A friend of mine tells me about the closing meeting with her oncologist, who is bubbling away while hinting that she should really not come back for any little concern, as it is probably not cancer?!? He probably meant that we all might think with a little headache that it might be a brain metastasis, but this is not the way it came across!

I am so upset – it is statements like that that stop patients from going to the doctors, when they feel that something is wrong! Don’t listen to the bla bla blas, don’t care what doctors/ other people think or that it may be ’nothing‘ – if you feel that something is wrong, see a doctor … no matter how often and if you are not taken seriously or have a funny feeling, insist to be checked properly or change your doctor!

Additionally he said that the outlook was grim anyway, if it came back?!? Any cancer is different, but can you be any more negative?!?! Surely positivity does not kill cancer, but it brings you a long way and painting all black really does not help. Again, he probably wants to be realistic, honest and everything I appreciate about any doctor, but maybe he should really check how he comes across – thank god my friend is strong enough to ignore it, but other patients might not!

#stepupfor30 challenge – I have to bend this a bit today: the physio therapist Frau Dietrich puts me on a power plate for 5 minutes, which is apparently equal to 30 minutes exercise….. ok, that would be too easy, but I do the weekly grocery shopping by bike. And if this still isn’t enough – I single-handedly load our VW van with all my flea market stuff – jam packed – and unload it with Lea at her house….after a glorious parking manoevre, where I slide effortlessly into their narrow driveway exceeding any male expectations. That must do for today, as every single muscle in my body hurts!

2/3 done of my #stepupfor30 challenge…. whoohoo! Tomorrow is calling for a quiet workout, as my body is hurting and I am done after my session in the park today with the Running Mamas 😜….

I am tired, but have a coffee with the girls and an iced coffee at the market in Nippes, as it simply sucks me in. I love the market, the vibrant colours, the atmosphere and screeming of the vendors in the sunshine makes me think I am somewhere mediterranean and I am enjoying every minute.

Sitting still is really difficult at the moment and already last evening I had the urge to get up regularly, as the longer I sit, the stiffer I am, when I get up. But I am ok – I watch the mummies with their babies chatting away, the old men having their cigarettes while debating and I am enjoying the here and now before I do my round of fresh produce hunting! It is a hot day and I shall avoid the sun, but Vitamine D is good and I enjoy it just a wee bit – time for a little nap in the garden in the shade me thinks 😉

The coffee kiosk is an institution, a melting pot and I am shocked to learn that they are planning to knock it down to build some public toilets …. I will find out what can be done to avoid this.

I feel like a grey poodle and am thinking about using the clippers myself, but quickly change my mind …. badly trimmed curls would give me an even stronger poodle resemblance I guess 😉

I manage to pick up both kids today and be on time at Mia’s gymnastics – and I glide in effortlessly – glowing with pride. Mia and Leo are bubbling away and the teacher tells me that Mia never speaks when attending with the household aids – and it breaks my heart! I hope I will be fit enough to regularly go to gymnastics with her from now on!

Task number one completed – I paid the balance for my mini cruise November 1st with all the Ex QE2 crew and now just pray that nothing will happen and that I can go!

Task number two – the carpenter is finally fixing the last issue from the water damage we had over a year ago next week – fingers crossed!

Off off to autogenic training!

Busy happy bee – me…. lots of appointments are lined up, but they are happy appointments in between like lunch with my kindergarten buddy Lars and tea with Lea while the kids are at gymnastics…

19/30 for #stepupfor30 is crunning – crawling and running…. or at least an attempt to do so…. I do a training/ warm up video and off I go….Not! It is super tiring and I am definitely not fit enough 😂 – A for effort …. By I was 30 minutes active and now I am off to meet the girls for tapas and pintxos at Willie Tanner (there are no pintxos, but the tapas are nice) and maybe a cheeky vino?

I am too careful during my first chemo week to have wine, but I have dessert and great company – thank you, girls!

#stepupfor30 – cleaning up the cellar and getting the stuff ready for next week’s flea market …. pfewww!! I am so exhausted and my body hurts!

It’s football time – Germany’s first game and we are watching at a BBQ party at Alex and Lea’s 🇩🇪 I am tired, but troll along…. my energy level is decreasing, but during half time break I manage 15 min. on the trampoline with my kids – anyone with pelvic floor issues will understand the level of pride I feel 😂

Not that I am a football fan – I don’t even know all the names of our national team 😉, but during the World Cup, I love the vibrant atmosphere, the community and happiness …. but Germany loses and instead of cheering in the streets, it is quiet and we silently plod home – I am so tired and the hot flushes seem to be stronger than in the past. The kids cuddled up with me for a bedtime story make my heart explode though! I will have a quiet night and am glad that nothing is planned for tomorrow – office day I guess, as there is quite a bit of paperwork piled up next to my flea market mountain 😉

#stepupto30 challenge meets aqua fitness… last time I joined my cousin Sylvie doing it, I was pregnant, but it is fun and a British guy doing picturesque ballet moves, give the whole thing a funny synchronized swimming touch and makes my day….

While getting changed I meet Nadine, who I have not seen for ages – we met at a prenatal weekend class four years ago, met regularly and she making us fit again with fun outdoor exercises – and it is so nice to see her! All fresh and fit, we go back to Sylvie’s place and it happens – oh joy – to be backyard fleamarket time in her area…. Yipehhh – I scroll and buy to much, but love it.

Now it is my turn to look after the kids and we go to Lia’s birthday party, I return with fed kids, who only need to go to bed and I am super proud of myself for handling everything by myself and snuggle with them while reading their bedtime stories and my heart is melting – this feels normal and normal is good! I am not on the full chemo dosis though…. actually my oncologist laughed at me, when I told him my weight „oh, then I don’t think five pills are even enough“ and he laughed again …. I am glad two kilos were just water retention and I am ready to present a lighter version of myself next time 😉

It sounds strange, but somehow I look forward to regularly being at the oncology pioh again, to see nurse Fassbender and the others and to move step by step toward my last chemo pill. Being checked regularly also gives me a certain security and by the looks of it, my bosom buddy Paula and I are on the same schedule and it is nice to do this last leg of our journey with her ❤️

#stepupfor30 – £260 – wow!! I have a treat for you today – my physical activity of the day is called plogging! A mix of „plocka“ (Swedish for „picking up“) and jogging, where you combine running with picking up rubbish…. a win-win sports idea! Thank you Doro for the suggestion! Anyone else having fun ideas?!?!?

I am feeling a bit nausea, but nothing extraordinary and I still manage to drop off Mia in Kindergarten, have coffee with Nisha and rest before I pick up Leo for music school – which is fun nowadays, as I can spend time with Jakob’s mum and my friend Simone while the kids tootle along 😉

My hair is slowly but surely growing into a helmet, but the extreme curls are apparently only a cortisone side effect and will ease away… still, I need a trim!

This afternoon I get another present from my mummy friends – as a new milestone is starting – a Thai massage voucher ❤️

Oh, how could I not mention it – my life has changed! Yesterday was the first day I no longer needed to wear a sports bra 24/7 – one step towards normality and I am happy I can wear everything I want now! The hot temperatures were really calling for lighter clothing…. yeah!

As far as I am concerned now, I am cancer free – the tumor rest is in some petri dish or garbage bin and my new chemo, which I take this morning and tonight, is there to keep the sleeper cells quiet – that is my way of thinking and I am taking step by step back into normality.

#Stepupfor30 – I start the day with an hour of „gentle yoga“ at I’m possible yoga in my purple Bowel Cancer UK t-shirt and love it. The peace on the wooden deck, the singing birds, the blue sky and the fresh air…. I ride my bike to Nippes for a joined Thai back massage with Maja and back for physiotherapy with Frau Dietrich. So far, a lot of appointments, once again, but they are all good for me!

I see the psycho onchologist Frau Gattinger for a last time and it is beneficial as well! I cross the cemetery to take the tube to pick up Mia – two years ago today my buddy Matthieu passed away…. cancer! And I miss him so much ❤️

Lesson learned! I need to slow down…. reflecting the past weeks, tiredness dominated my days and having to be at radiation every morning filled up my scheduled pretty much.

Thank you so much for the support and all the lovely messages – it means the world to me ❤️

I check with my alternative practitioner Frau Kakizaki, if the acupuncture could be related to me being sick and having a headache.

She says that my pulse was prior to acupuncture already showing that there was tension in different elements meaning that my body is trying to mobilize the last energy reserves. I need to recharge my batteries and that headache and vomiting are often a sign that the autonomic nervous system being disturbed…. aha! She also says that I did not gain weight, but have water retention – that could have been it, as the extra weight is gone now 😎

Well, it was simply too much and even though I first attempt to go to the running Mamas, I spend the first half of the day in bed and my first activity is to pick up Leo and going with him to CUT for a summer trim.

Tomorrow morning I will start with the chemo pills – 30 minutes past breakfast and dinner for two weeks! Nurse Fassbender recommended to drink a bit water beforehand in order not to have a dry mouth! Babysteps toward my next milestone and despite some appointments, Maja and I booked a back massage for tomorrow 🤗

Tonight I will go to autogenic training and riding the bike there will be my #stepupfor30 physical activity! And I just saw that we are up to £240 🎉🎉🎉!

I am sick of being sick and tired of being tired….

in a helpless attempt to brighten the day, I paint Mia and my fingernails yellow, but that does not really help. I cry during the night and elements of my conversation with Dr. Reiser reappear on my mind…. the curly hair will go away, „did you have this much grey hair before?“, he asks for my weight and yes, I gained more weight and says that he will even have to increase the dosage now… I feel exhausted and tired. The bare thought of doing my overdue bank transfers tires me…. how shall I ever go back to work?!? Additionally I question my life! It does not help to think about the past, as it is over, but things have to change for me to not repeat the same patterns.

When I wake up, the mood isn’t any brighter, but my kids are adorable, kiss and cuddle and despite the fact that I gained more weight – stupid 5 elements …. stupid porridge … I have to check that with the alternative therapist today…. – I get ready and do my bank transfers and move my tired body towards town for more doctors‘ appointments. I want a coffee with Maja, but I need to see Prof. Dr. Breidenbach, the practitioner Frau Kakizaki and the psycho onchologist Frau Scheulen.

Prof. Dr. Breidenbach is happy with my breast and the next operation will probably happen around Easter and until the it needs massages with Calendula creme.

I can barely keep my eyes open, I have a headache, feel slightly nausea…. but manage to visit Sabrina for about five minutes. On my way to pick up Mia from Kindergarten, I have to get off the tube and just manage to throw up into a garbage bin! Mia and I go home and I sleep, but my head is exploding – no sports today for the #stepupfor30 challenge, sorry!