Feel it on the first! 9 months ago, I had just stopped nursing my second child and would have loved to have another baby, but instead, I was diagnosed with breast cancer….the only reason that it was detected this early, was because I felt it myself – not that I checked, it was by accident while showering…. lucky me. My gynecologist did check in May and there was nothing there. It grew within no time, as it is super aggressive, fast growing and this kind of tumor loves to spread! I am hopefully on the right path to tell it where it can go, but if I had not felt it, the outlook could have been much worse….

I sit for ages on the steps outside the radiation center…. 24/28 is in the books, yeah, and I think I got away quite lucky, as there is redness, but it is not too bad. My physio therapist considered it badly burned, but I have seen worse and it does not bother me – apart from being exhausted.

I think about not being fit enough to look after my kids by myself, but also about Tom, Dany, Vriesl and my other cancer companions…. in a way it is all surreal and on the other hand scary, but also wonderful, horrible and horrendous, hilarious and tragic – all at once!

I get up and walk in my usual ‚robot‘ style for a few meters until the stiffness is gone. I look forward to getting up smoothly and to no longer dreading stairs …. thank goodness that this is temporary! Off to the doctor to get June’s sick note…. and then I am peeping into two shops, as I need a dress for a wedding and buy a tennis dress Oh no … what am I thinking 😂

It must be the heat, but suddenly I am too exhausted to drop off my sick note at work, even though it’s around the corner and I forget to buy cake for Mia’s little belated birthday get together with her friend Lia. I manage to quickly bake one, but I also rest and have a lovely afternoon/ evening!

Physical activity for the day!?!?!? Hmmm…. 🤔 after two glasses of champagne I actually get my yoga mat out and do 30 minutes of Kundalini yoga way past 10pm …. totally rocking the „Step Up for 30“ challenge – 1/30 is done and get a notification that I already raised £100 before even starting….. wow! You guys are amazing – thank you so much!!! I will sleep very well tonight!

Guess what – there is some news for you – I am soooo tired today! It is a public holiday though and I want to do something fun with the kids…. no chance of leaving the house yet! I am physically there, but I feel like I am trapped in a parallel universe… far away from my kids. Even a little resting does not help! In a hopeless try to get more energy, I eat two bars of chocolate, no, no little bars…. ahhhh, I know…. and yes, it is a complete fail and I have even less energy….my circulation hits rock bottom 😴 and my joints and bones hurting every time I get up, does not really add any joy….

In an attempt to beat my fatigue, as exercise is good during cancer treatment and to do something good, I decide to fundraise for Bowel Cancer UK in their „Step up for 30“ campaign. Throughout June I will be stepping up and doing 30 minutes of physical activity every day for 30 days – watch this space …. might even start to play tennis 😉 as part of this challenge! You can support me donating to my Just Giving page! And yes, it starts tomorrow and the way I feel today, I might just straight away sign off again 😂

Highlight of my day? My kids picking flowers for me and I hope that my mojo returns as I drag my body into the forrest, where the kids play and I walk along and sit around. „Look at that, there is someone, who wants to go skiing!“ Is Leos answer to a Nordic walker passing by, who naturally hears that as well, but does not even blink 😂 To my shock, I notice – and I promise that it is pure coincidence and I am not a city nerd – that I am wearing a green dress and happen to have…. again, no clue where that came from… painted my nails green today! Living the outdoor experience full on!

My vocal therapist talked about forrest bathing and while I sit on a stump, watching Markus and my kids pass by, I try it…. it is just being mindful, listening to the birds, sucking in the fresh air and nature’s energy…. I love the peace – until one of the kids falls, cries, is thirsty, hungry, bored or needs a cuddle 😉 in Mummy terms, any five minutes are quite an achievement!

I am still exhausted, but I feel better and my mood has equally brightened up. Time for the kids to go to bed and for me to have a glass of Aperol Spritz outside before I crawl into bed myself!

World Blood Cancer Day – are you registered with DKMS? It is a saliva swab and some information are needed and you are done! And if you are qualified to be a donor, it is quite harmless and pain free! Most of the time the stem cells can be taken from your blood!

I start the day with radiation 20/28 and make my way to music therapy, as the temperatures are climbing sky high and the sun is bright…. only then I realize that I wear no sun screen and feel exposed, as I normally wear a 50+ all the time…the worst about the sun and me are pigmentary defects or spots I battle with…. I got some free samples of Caudalie Vinoperfect Serum, which is made of grapevine sap and should tackle my dark spots, boost radiance and even out my skin tone …. hmmmm… today it looks like there is a slight improvement, but I shall let you know, if it really works 😉

There was a TV reportage (beginning of part 2) about our music therapy on RTL’s Fakten Checker, which emphasizes the importance and power of music and I fully agree. It looks a bit like an esoteric singing circle, but it is not. For me, the music therapy is the highlight of my week and can really make a change for any cancer patient! It is run by Haus LebensWert, a psycho oncological association and is entirely financed by donations – a cause worthwhile supporting!

Lately there are some bad news floating through my cancer community and my thoughts are a lot with Paula, Nadine, Sabrina, Rachel, Tom and many others, but also with Dany, who I am meeting for lunch. She is in remission, ready to enjoy her summer before returning to work in autumn, when she discovers a new tumor…. her journey is starting all over again and she is incredible! Thank you Dany for making your way to Cologne – it was lovely and Instagram really brings people together ❤️ this community is magic! I never expected these wonderful connections and people, who it is so easy to connect with, as we all walk parts of the same path together!

I feel like I am having a Groundhog Day, as I am in the radiation center again in the afternoon for 21/28. A doctor wants to see me afterwards and apparently I have done a good job baby powdering my breast, but now I shall start putting Asche Basis creme on the slightly red patches and the scar area and baby powder only on the lines. Thank goodness there are only seven sessions left!

I have a short afternoon interval with my kids and am off to a parent evening in Kindergarten, which is quite entertaining as we are playing kids games and sing children songs and by the time it is over, it is too late for yoga – not that I have any power left 😉 …. I grab some crisps and junk food for dinner, as I have no energy left 😉

Since we had such a nice time with Christina, Daniel and the kids yesterday, we all go to the open air pool Lentpark to start the day…. well, I am not allowed to go swimming, but I just watch the kids from the shade with Christina, who is nursing wee baby Mattis. I do love this place, as it is one of the nature pools without chlorine and even has a little sandy beach. I want to swim, badly, but enjoy it anyway and meet a lot of people I know. If it wasn’t for the war paint, one would not see that I am in therapy – I guess – since the scars from my port and my sentinel removal are minimal and the scars on my breast are covered.

On an energy high I cook some strawberry rhubarb jam and bake pancakes, but now we have to leave for a 2nd birthday BBQ across the road! Yes, I am tired, but today feels like normal life and all these happy moments give me the energy for the three days stretch until the next public holiday on Thursday 😜

Weekends have a different meaning now, as radiation makes my weeks busy and I can finally have a laying, as the kids are nicely playing with each other! I feel I am on top of the world, but it does not last for long…. we go to the market and by the time we hit the zoo playground, I am exhausted and have to sit on a bench…. I don’t even see my kids and decide to sit underneath the climbing frame in the shade…. great! Not!

While the kids have lunch in the zoo, I take my bike to run some errands and while riding my bike always gives me a feeling of freedom, makes me happy and makes me feel alive, I also feel the sun …. I am drenched and exhausted.

Thinking about it, I am happy that my chemo was during the winter months – I love the sun, but I cannot stand the heat, prefer the shade or the seaside to summer heat in the city and am glad that some friends are coming over for a chillaxing BBQ this afternoon – it is just what I need.

Markus is going out tonight and all I want to do is sit outside, read – for a change – and have a glass of wine!

„Code red code red“ …. I have actually no idea what the announcement was, but suddenly all the doors in the radiation center open and loads of people in white coats run up the stairs past the waiting area carrying different equipment…. we wait and see and I am being called into radiation 19/28 and am being informed that it was a medical emergency…. I am shortly relieved that it was not a radiation accident and even more relieved that it was a false alarme….. while the radio beams run trough my chest (you don’t actually feel a thing and with all the red and green lights, I always wonder when it is actually active….) I think about the different emergency codes we had onboard the cruiseships… there is a code for fire, medical emergency, pirates, man overboard, etc., which only the crew understands in order not to distract the guests onboard. Today, I am code tired, but I think it is getting better!

The train station is next door to my radiation center and Sabrina and I meet there to drop off some chocolate for the team of the DKMS, who work onboard a train, which tours all week through Germany to register stem cell donors, as it is World Blood Cancer day on the 28 May, when their last stop is in Berlin – tomorrow is Leipzig and Sunday Hamburg! Please go there to get registered – it can save lifes – Sabrina’s for example! If you can’t go, you can request a donation set to be sent to you – check out the website!

Registration is super easy – you just hold a cotton bud into your mouth. In case you are a match, it is really easy as well to be a donor and it is a myth that they have to puncture your bone marrow – most of the donors nowadays have to give blood and that’s it….I am happy to support DKMS in any way I can, as I no longer qualify as a donor and had to inform them to delete me from their database – who wants to be my replacement?!?

I am resting now to have energy for my trial yin yoga session with im possible yoga and an afternoon with Hannah, Finlay & Josephine – sunshine, 28 degrees and a splashpool …. what else do you need 🤗

I have a magic moment last night – autogenic training is nice, relaxing and I enjoy it, but the big WOW comes in form of Bokoma rings, which Beatrix Häcker gives us in between two exercises …. I wish I had known about them earlier! You slide these metal rings, which are similar to winded elastic hairbands, onto your fingers, move them up an down and not only do they relieve any pain I have, but also take away the numbness and my fingers seem to be less swollen … I order them straight away after my return home and will probably wear them 24/7 from now on 😀

Another positive side effect is a very deep and relaxing sleep and I feel actually quite good in the morning!

Radiation 18/28 goes smoothly and I decide that it’s about time to ask, if I need to see a doctor at any point and if I have missed something, as other radiation patients have to see a doctor every week?!? No mistake or missed action on my part – the radiographers will apparently advise me when I need to see a doctor unless I feel that I want to see one…. no, thanks! By the time I leave the radiation center and my eyes lids are suddenly really heavy – oh joy…. at least I had an awake couple of hours today…. babysteps 😉

I am meeting my Insta friend Angela for breakfast at Alte Feuerwache and actually stay for lunch, as it is so good to see her! We were both diagnosed in August 2017 and had roughly the same timing with everything …. it is once again really nice to share! Thank you ❤️ I look forward to getting my first proper trim at our wigmaker & hairdresser Tatjana Richartz!

We do agree that once the chemo is over, there is a gap …. nobody is there to check your blood regularly, there are no checks, scans, etc. to make sure that all is going according to plan… is there a plan? There are too many negative news lately of recrudescence during treatment or early remission… maybe it is time that the health system and the insurance companies focus a bit more on post-rehabilitation support, as it all seems a bit re- instead of proactive. Offence is the best defence and in the long run, it could save money …. I am not there yet – at the end of this way – but from all the stories I see and hear, there seems to be too much leeway in the after care, which is spot on in some clinics/ countries and random in others. Now here is something the „Invisible Army“ can shed some light on 😉

Radiation 17/28 …. 11 to go and if I will be any more tired, there won’t be any getting up for me any more ……whaaaaa!!!!

I am proud to have stopped by the InterNations meeting yesterday, do some sports and run some errands today, but I am actually quite relieved that chemo Claudia cancelled our date today, as radiation has apparently the same effect on her…. 😴😴😴

I think I have never been this tired and exhausted ever…. and I have worked in hospitality, in different time zones, nights and have two small kids….

Sleeping in the garden in the rain is the most beautiful thing I have done for ages and we will see how I will survive the rest of the day until my first autogenic training tonight!