I am home after radiation and a reflexology and acupuncture session – calm, tired and sentimental. Even my fingers hurt now in the morning, but Ingrid says it is the same for her and it feels like we are these two whinging grannies complaining about their aches and pains 😂

Throwback Tuesday?!?!! London 1998 – my friends from Aachen visit me for my 25th birthday and we do some sightseeing – I had managed to save 1.000DM and just bought my first car! It was one of my happiest times!

If my life was a movie, London would be the location for some of the key scenes, which leveraged my lifelines and my love.

I have always been fascinated by London and when my flight attendant buddy Jan told me about his plans to study at Thames Valley University (now University of West London), I applied to study Tourism Management there…..

A lot of my closest friendships started in London – it was my 22nd birthday, when I met Jan’s girlfriend Anke in the dreadful nightclub „Broadway Boulevard“ ❤️ and lived with some funny, weird and wonderful people.

This is where I first met Markus, the father of my kids, when my friends from Aachen brought him along for my 23rd birthday…. he had really long hair back then!

Just after my 25th birthday, I dated Nick, who suddenly vanished and broke my heart. I was recruited to work onboard the Queen Elizabeth 2 (QE2) for the summer and ended up going to sea for nine years – after which Nick miraculously reappeared …. but that’s another story!

On the 26th August 2017, I was in the shower in London, getting ready to travel down to Southampton for the QE2 50th anniversary crew reunion, when I felt a lump in my left breast….

I love the country, the people and the accent! I need to plan another trip there – and I want make my 2CV fit again, when I have the money. I will probably go to an InterNations evening tonight to bring some international flair into my life!

Fatigue…. cancer fatigue, kids fatigue, whatever fatigue…. I am soooo tired!

I had this picture taken by Annegret Balsereit about half way through chemo, just before loosing my last eyebrows and lashes and I don’t think that I was this tired then…. but then again, it is all a bit blurry 😉

My eyebrows and lashes are back, my hair is back, but radiation is adding to my fatigue and even though I look fitter, I am not! Looks can deceive … looking healthy, looking fit, looking rich, poor, pretty, ugly, smart, stupid whatever…. you only see the outer shell, but you will not know what is happening inside until you speak to me! Cancer is not visible and neither are all the treatment side effects.

After brunch at Simone’s, I return early to start cleaning the balcony (no, I am not a typical cleaning-my-car-and-everything-during-a-public-holiday German, but the professional drainage cleaners are coming around tomorrow ….. oh whatever…. it only means putting some chemicals onto the floor and leave it…. big deal)…and to rest a bit!

I am tired and scroll – despite the weather being brilliant – through the social media….. and what do I read? People suffer from fatigue years after treatment?!? OMG – things have to change and the same post from Anna talks about an anti fatigue app for cancer patients….. whaaaaattt?!? I download it straight away and whenever I will have a bit energy in the future, I shall test it – it is called Untire – beating cancer fatigue 🤔

I am proud to have finally prepared my tax return yesterday tough and am determined to send the 25 year high school reunion invitation email this week …. babysteps!

Being in Meschede brings back many memories – childhood memories, youth memories…. coming home late from a lovely evening with Frauke and watching TV with my brother in the middle of the night, is something I have not done forever…. normal, nice and peaceful!

I manage to visit my school friend Anne-Karen and her family today. She is married to Tobias, who also went to school with us and it is quite funny how life and love takes crazy turns, as they fell in love years after having left school! I have know Anne-Karen since I was 10, spent most my youth with her and it also feels like ’normal‘ life being with her in the house she grew up in – and normal is what I need right now.

I want to do normal things and plan a holiday for the summer, but need to know my chemo schedule presuming that I will be fit enough, I will organise something easy, where I can rest and relax. Ideally I want to be by the seaside, but a lake would already do…. let’s see what I find – after all I work in the travel industry and should take advantage 😉. A short trip to see my godmother Ingrid at her place in Mondsee is definitely possible and I might go by myself to chill, meditate, swim and relax between chemos!?! We will see….

Before we take off, we manage to stop at the Hotel von Korff to see my cousin Antje, her husband Dirk and my godchild Sophia. I feel old having a godchild – or actually two, as my other godchild Lale is Sophia’s age – who is a young woman herself and Antje reminds me of my childhood, kids birthday parties and the times we spent in the hotel – my grandfather was actually born in room 8 and I love the house!

I am happy to be back in Cologne and happy that tomorrow is another public holiday, as my breast can do with a break – I noticed a sun tan this morning in the radiated area and it tickles a bit 😉

„Why do you have cancer, Mummy?“ It is the curiosity and honesty of children, which is the purest – this is what makes it the hardest and the easiest at the same time… children ask me directly why I am bald and I can talk about it. I will always prefer that to any talking behind my back, whispering or pretending that I have hair…. well, I think I have just passed a level, where my hair looks purposely trimmed, but you know what I mean 😉

Why do I have cancer? I swallow and pause before I tell my son that nobody really knows why one has cancer and that I was just unlucky, but that it is gone now and I have more treatment in order to make sure that it does not come back! Yes, I really really hope that this is the way it will go …

We are visiting my parents, as my brother Micky and his son Finn are in Meschede. „You have hair in your face!“ Yes, honesty – my nephew is honest, but this is a sore point…. I have new born fluff all over my body…. my arms, my shoulders, my neck and on my face. The face really bothers me and I hope it will soon fall out, as I am scared that if I plug it, it might grow back…. I tell my nephew that I am planning to grow a beard in order to be the main attraction in a circus 😉 If it grows any longer I will plug it and face the risk of terrible regrowth.

We spend the afternoon in H1, a new event location right by our local lake (Hennesee) and it feels like being on holiday – water, sun, a cool location with a beautiful terrace overlooking the Hennesee with great food! Wow – they are building a large playground and you can hire stand-up paddling boards and boats…. This is such an upgrade for the lake, my new hangout for when in Meschede ❤️ and we will go there again tonight with my school friend Frauke!

Radiation 15/28 is done and I am waiting for my first colonoscopy …. whoohooo!

I actually know two women, who work in the endoscopy department in St. Vincent hospital and I am happy they are not the ones doing it…

My two babies were born in this hospital and it is a place I like to be! I am a bit nervous…. what if…. but it does not help anyway 😉

I have to put on sexy x-large shorts with an opening in the back….The team is really nice, but they have trouble finding a vein … thank you chemo – nice side effect, which will probably stay ! As the blood pressure meter inflates for the second time, I realize that they put it on the arm, where some lymph knots are missing …. ahhh! That is a no go, which I have to remember, but I am happy I was not asleep yet and dose off while they check my bowel.

My vision is blury and I am a bit dizzy, when I wake up, get dressed and wait for my results – large and small intestine are all fine and I get a compliment how well prepared and clean it all was….. hmmmm 🤔

I have late lunch and coffee with the girls, slowly walk home with a little rest in the park and look forward to a relaxed afternoon and evening in the garden 😎

Half time ….. whoohooo radiation 14/28 is in the books 🎉🎉🎉

Otherwise I have first world problems today 😉 Tired…. yep, no surprise here. I shall eat only limited dietary fibre due to my colonoscopy tomorrow and from 4 pm I stop food all together and empty my bowel…. ahhhhh…. yuck!

I have nothing planned for today, right …. apart from radiation, where I swish in and out without makeup, bring back some white bread rolls and do … NOTHING until the kids come home and that is the first time since ages! No phone calls, no to dos – it’s not that there isn’t a list of things I have to do, but not today! I linger around in bed, eat and watch movies, etc…. awwww – that’s the life 😍

And now the kids will be home any minute and I have to drink the Moviprep to prepare myself for my first colonoscopy …. wish me luck!

Radiation 13/28 – Ingrid (I actually met her before in the tube, but she was wearing a wig) has the same funny regrowth like me – super strong above the ears…

I am tired, but can rest today after the running Mamas 😀 and actually make it to a Lufthansa event in the evening. Why bother?!? I am not working right now…. but it is fun & food & laughter. It feels a bit like normal life, an after work party and the weather is mild for a walk across the Rhein river!

The fresh air makes me feel alive! Normal life is something I am longing for, but on the other hand, it feels so good to break out of the routine! I just wish I had more energy – today the only task I manage to do is calling my oncologist to arrange an appointment for June….tomorrow I will try the next thing on my list – call the insurance company 😉

Curly hair?!? Yep – despite the ultra short length, my hair is going wild… unbelievable 😂 The rest of me is just tired, tired, tired…. radiation 12/28, podologist, physiotherapy and I am done!

Frau Dietrich, the physio therapist, informs me that muscle ache can be caused by radiation and my aching bones and joints likewise …. hmmm…. why do I always underestimate what my body has to cope with?!?

All day long, my thoughts are with Paula, who has her double mastectomy today … my tough bosom buddy ❤️

I rest for the rest of the day, Anne, Maja & Lea visit, the kids play in the garden and I can barely keep my eyes open now! Good night!

Mia is 2 – and happy that her biggest wish comes true…. chocolate chocolate chocolate! She is tired, but she is overwhelmed, her eyes are sparkling and my heart explodes ❤️

I am tired too, but flow through the day! Radiation 11/28 – I meet Anna again, who will now be doing the rest of my treatment with me, but I miss Frau Schöps today…. All breasties in the waiting area agree that the joints are hurting – when I sit on the floor nowadays, I can hardly get up and feel like I am stone old…. it is good to know that I am not alone!

Music therapy is uplifting and on my way home I bump into my early childhood friend Lars and have a quick coffee with him, which is always an uplifting experience – both Lars and the coffee!

Up up and away – Mia’s godmother Anne from Frankfurt is visiting and I am so happy to catch up with her…. a wee bit! We join Mia’s birthday bash in Kindergarten, pick up Leo and the party continues at home ❤️ what a day!

Sandra and I even manage to have our yearly picture retaken …. well, the original shot was the 12 May, we already had much trouble re-creating it last year and it takes about 100 takes today 🤦‍♀️ Sandra wants to make a movie out of it for the kids‘ 18th birthday and we have to improve the process …. it was a good laugh though and maybe a making off movie with all the out takes would be even funnier 😂

I feel tired out, cancel yoga and am going to bed now! What was the best present? „The house“ … for little dolls – thanks for cleaning up the rest of the mess now, Markus!

„I have been to church once – it is really boring“ is my son’s way to prepare his cousin for what is ahead of them today. I am not a church person either, but my godchild Finn’s communion day is super emotional for me!

He is nine now and I have to cry a few times during the church service, as I am so proud of him and really touched how grown up this little man is already.

When the church service finishes, I turn around and first see Jan – my flight attendant friend, who I studied with in Ealing – then his son Teja and finally his wife Anke …. they are so important to me and I am so happy that they came to Munich! Yep, more tears, but happy tears…. I have to make sure to see them soon again and I am thrilled that they join us for some drinks before lunch in the Menterschwaige ❤️

I am resting a bit at Micky & Anna’s, the kids play and now we are on the train back to Cologne! I am tired and the kids do not give the impression to be sleeping in the near future, but since we are only back in Cologne at midnight, there is a chance…..! This fatigue thing is getting on my nerves, but I am a happy camper and a happy mother – not only because it’s Mother’s Day! My kids give me so much energy, they are my everything and I want to see them grow up! I cannot believe Mia will be two in a few hours ❤️