One more night like this one and I gonna jump out of the window…. Leo is fine during the day, but cries and screams during the night coughing away. My poor baby …. and poor me!!

I am on my way to Prof. Dr. Breidenbach’s practice to get a referral to Haus LebensWert and look forward to seeing Claudia there! I really want my results now!

Despite the fact that it is nearly impossible to get an appointment with Prof. Dr. Breidenbach this week, she actually has time to see me, but does not look happy. She says that the tissue, which was removed around the tumor spots, is cancer free, but the 4mm tumor, which was left, is unfortunately still active – only minimal, but she cannot give me a „Total Remission“. What does that mean? She says that sometimes there are quite large tumors left, but they are pathologically declared as ‚dead‘ and that the size of the remaining tumor after chemo does not indicate anything….She is waiting for the last pathological results regarding hormonal status and „then we need to make a decision“. Immediately I am thinking „removal of a breast“, „new chemo therapy“, but she says „how do you feel about doing another chemo … with pills?“…. whatever it takes. She says that this would follow the radiation and that she normally does it with her triple-negative patients (which I almost am, since my tumor was only minimal hormone receptive).

Triple-negative breast cancer (sometimes abbreviated TNBC) refers to any breast cancer that does not express the genes for estrogen receptor (ER), progesterone receptor (PR) and Her2/neu.

Well, I am not happy chappy about it and rather would have liked to have a „Total Remisson“, but it is not the end of the world and compared to other cancer stories, I still consider myself quite lucky. The tumor has been removed and even though it is still active, it is in some petri dish and no longer in my body. The difficult thing is to know that there were still active cells and not to get scared that they might have moved around my body, but then again, there will not be a guarantee for the rest of my life that I won’t face a reoccurrance. The rest of my life will contain close monitoring and cancer hanging over me like a sword of Damocles.

My case will be discussed in next Monday’s tumor conference (I just learned that they are meeting weekly) and I will see Prof. Dr. Breidenbach next Tuesday for a post operation check and to discuss the next steps.

„You do not seem too surprised“ she says as we discuss the results and yes, I explain that I had always been a bit disappointed with my results after starting the second kind of chemo – the Paclitaxel (Taxol aka „T“). My tumor shrank after three Epirubicin + Cyclophosphamide chemos (aka „EC“s) from 2cms to 6mm and a few weeks and another EC and some Ts later, it only shrank to 4mm. Everyone said that chemo results are neither calculable nor logical in mathematical terms, but I had the feeling that my tumor did not respond to the Ts that well. Later Prof. Dr. Breidenbach said that there was no longer anything visible on the ultrasound, but the MRI a week prior to my last chemo, stated that there was a 4mm tumor left and Prof. Dr. Warm located it on the ultrasound a few days prior to the operation …. it is all guessing and nothing scientific and does not change the results, but I had these thoughts that my tumor did not respond well and possibly even grew.

I have a coffee with Claudia and her twin sister and make appointments for radiation and Haus LebensWert and go to physio, pick up the kids with Anja and spend the afternoon at the playground meeting some Mummy friends…. and I do not feel like yoga tonight, but will answer all the messages I received today! Thank you so much for all your concerns and support and going on this journey with me! It really helps and means so much to me!!

Onwards and upwards now – I will go to Legoland and skiing (the insurance company called today to inform me that there is no issue with me going to Austria!) and take one step at a time along the cancer road!

Hair update – I trim my stubbles again and notice that there is a faint shadow of regrowth along my hairline…..This is exactly my reason for continuously shaving since December. I have hair, I have regrowth, but to date there was no hairline or if anything a rather receding one with bald patches. When I lost my hair, it started on the top of my head behind my hairline and it would be natural to think that it comes back in reverse order, but it does not work this way and from what I can see, it is different for every single chemo buddy anyway 😉 Hello hairline, my old friend ❤️

It’s a dream come true! Today I booked tickets for Legoland Germany – now that I have kids, I finally have an excuse to go there …. whoohooo. We use it as a stopover on our way down to the south next week, where I book a hotel in Sölden, Austria. Our holiday is overlapping with my cousin Sylvie and her family’s for a few days and even if I can only ski a little bit, I can at least see them and their friends and the mountains and the fresh air are worth it! To be on the safe side, I did inform the insurance company that I am leaving Germany for a few days 😉

My energy levels are still low and I am a bit impatient, as I do not have enough energy for a full weekend with my kids….. I know, I know, but it is the way I feel and yet I am proud that I still manage most of it and will try to relax tomorrow. The weekends are so tough for me, as I am around the kids all day, but Sunday was quiet and apart from a walk through the Botanical Gardens and a bike trip with Leo to the fleamarket & Jakob’s, we chillaxed.

Happy St. Patrick’s Day! What will I do to celebrate?!? Nothing…. my energy to celebrate goes as far as making a green smoothy bowl 🙄

I wonder, if I will ever have more energy…. yes, I know I will, but it feels very surreal today and I wonder what my life after cancer will be like. Some people expect everything to be the same, but I am not the same person and the former life does not fit anymore. I don’t need to change everything though…. it is like a shoe, which is now too small – it’s not that I don’t like the style anymore, it is just a bit too tight in places. Shall I get it a size bigger or go for a completely different style altogether?!? I will just see, as time passes – next step: Radiation!

In hospital I started to write my story, but I am not even at 2.000 words yet 😂 this will be a long way, but I will write a bit more next week and try to make it a regular habit 😉

I spend the day with the kids and cycle with them threw snowy Cologne…. first to meet Jana & her family, run some errands, and visit Lea & her family for lunch…. without gloves – jeeeeeez, is there any need for these temperatures in March?!?! My hands are almost falling off!! Once Mia is awake, we are all meeting Simone & her family for ice cream at Eis Engeln….. just to make a point 😉 and I will have a quiet evening to recover, while Markus will go out with his friends.

No pathological results before Monday, but I am too busy to think about it (much)…. what are the consequences, if there are still cancer cells in the tissue, which was removed during the operation? I have no idea… would another operation be sufficient or would I even face further chemo? I have no clue, but Prof. Dr. Breidenbach will call me on Monday!

Monday is tumor conference, which takes place on a regular basis. All parties involved in treating the cancer patients in the area meet to discuss progress and next steps. It is reassuring that they exchange informations and plan the further course of action.

I let Leo stay at home, as he is not fit today, we colour Easter eggs and play, he is at his best behavior at physio and we go for some ice cream. Lucia from the ice cream parlour is a breast cancer survivor, who just moved to Cologne from Italy. Yes, the cancer stories are everywhere, but you cannot see them. Talking about it raises awareness and I am happy that people approach me with their stories once they see my bald head ❤️

Little did I know in the morning that our household aid would call in sick and I have to handle the kids all day…. it does not help that it is raining cats and dogs! Leo and I are drenched after riding home and my energy lasts until I return from picking up Mia, while it is still pouring down and yes, I am still soaking wet, but Markus is working from home and can finish work earlier to help me! Thanks!

Did I mention that my last brave eyelash went to unicorn heaven?!? There is a full army of little stubbles ready to grow strong though and since I could not really put mascara on one eyelash anyway, I am not really in mourning 😉

Other bodyparts are not developing as well – I flipped up my big toe nail by accident and there is no new one underneath….ahhhhh!

Today I call Prof. Dr. Breidenbach’s practice and find out that my results are not ready yet. Oh well, but I got news from Haus Lebenswert, that she can refer me to the psycho oncology as my post oncological doctor and hopefully I can start a music therapy then …… I find it unbelievable that psychological help is not automatically provided when one is battling cancer, but apparently the topic is on the political agenda…. I really hope so for future patients, as this is a struggle that could clearly be avoided and I feel the emotional impact is by far more dramatic than the physical (well, that depends of course, but at least for me).

Simone and I spend most of the day on her big green couch and attempt to make green smoothly bowls …. I have to breg about the wonderful taste and beautiful composition, but would not consider a food blogging career yet 😉

I pick up Mia and spend some much needed quality time with her and her buddy Max at Café Klein Berlin with waffles, milkfoam and icecream and buy a cute little summer dress for her at the new retro shop Annika & Tommy. It is amazing that I can already have a girly afternoon with my not even two-year-old….

I am exhausted, but manage to activate the last bit of energy to dance with the kids to Disco Partizani after dinner – they love this since Nina introduced it ….. thanks Nina 😉 Markus will go to his sports and for me it will be an early night again 😴

A bit of gentle Running Mamas training and endless coffees at Klee’snack is the right thing to start this bright sunny day. I am however, a bit anxious to hear from Prof. Dr. Breidenbach regarding the pathology results…..but no info today, so I will see what tomorrow will bring.

Menopause is a subject the Fuck Cancer Club brought up on Instagram and it seems to me worth writing about, as this is regarded as one of the little side effects from chemo, but it is a massive subject for young women facing cancer! Having chemo, we are all suddenly unfertile within a month and go through the normal side effects of menopause – mood swings, which might be from chemo brain though…. all a grey area 😉 and hot flushes, which is extremely annoying and therefore I am glad that I do not wear a wig, as my head is the hottest when it happens 🙄 These side effects are bearable though, but emotionally it is quite a big topic. I am lucky to have two kids, but within a day of the diagnosis, you have to make a decision, if you want to freeze some eggs (which still does not guarantee, that your body will still be in a state to actually carry a baby). I don’t want to be ungrateful, but I would have loved to have another child and even if I would not have had it, I would have loved to make this decision myself and it is not fair that cancer made this decision on my behalf.

Leo asks me when he will be dead and it completely throws me off track, but I learn that it is apparently normal for this age and we have a calm chat about it, but it is a subject I really struggle with. Now more than ever!

Despite these serious subjects, I am very happy and enjoy the sunny day. The birds are singing and spring is in the air, I pick up Leo, scroll with him through Riehl and take him along to physio. Our babysitter is busy tonight, but I fetch some take away from Thai Gourmet, which is wonderful despite the waiting time (which I spend at Maja’s 😉). No rest for the wicked though…. Leo is starting to have an aweful night again with coughing and pain, which means that we take turns eating and I am hurrying into bed now to be with him 😢

I think I have the hospital blues….and I am knackered! I have breakfast with the kids though – via FaceTime 🤣

What happened to my left breast?!? Well, during the operation, the 4mm rest of my tumor in my left breast was removed and the surrounding tissue plus the tissue around the spot where the second tumor was and the chemo port on the right hand side was also removed. They cut next to the nipple, just like last time, which will be barely noticeable, if it heals alright, but for now, it is still bleeding now and then. The breast is massively big, but apparently all ok and I am allowed to go home tomorrow. Last time my boobs were this big, I was breast feeding, but since this is a one sided issue, it feels strange….I need to wear a sports bra 24 hours a day for the next couple of weeks, need to do some exercises and shall not lift anything with my left arm – up to 2,5kgs is ok though. I have hardly any pain, but regularly take pain killers.

It could be worse, but I am sad. Why? If only I would know! It is good though that I can just pop my head into Claudia’s. Everything is quiet today and Claudia also has the blues, so we go for a coffee and spend the morning together…. Spirits are lifting and I think it is time for a sneaky champagne today!

The other issue that I was asked about on Instagram today is my port. When placed, there is a little cut they make near the chest bone on the opposite side from where the cancer is. Mine is on the left side, the port on the right. The port is a little titanium canister with a membrane on one side, which sits directly underneath your skin and a tube feeds into one of the large blood vessels. The benefit of a port is that the chemo would destroy the little venes, as it is very aggressive and you do not have to be scared about the placing of a cannula, as they simply put a needle into the port and cover it up. You simply inhale, they bang the needle into the port, put a plaster on top and you are connected. It also works for any infusions you need, e.g. the antibiotics I got in hospital for pneumonia. Once it has done it’s job, it is being removed through the same spot.

I have been back from Bali for one week now and only meditated once! Every time I attempt to do it, there is a meal or someone is cleaning, visiting, etc. It shall be the one thing I need to do today!

Working on my story is another thing, which is keeping me busy. Two pages are done, but it is a mess…. it is a bigger project than what I expected, still a bit overwhelming and frustrating, as I want to say so much all at once – pretty much like in my real life at times 😉