„If you were three centimeters longer, you would get an extended bed!“ Well, I am not and wonder what the nurse is trying to tell me…. stretch?!?!

My kids love hospital …. or rather the electric bed and turn and twist it as much as they can – I watch it from a far distance and love it ❤️

Apparently I am not allowed to lift more than 2,5kgs for three months!!….. ok, no kids, but already my handbag is probably much heavier 😳 Hmmm….. I plan to declutter 😉

Pain is ok, sleep is ok, food is ok and I can relax between Physio, Social Services, Psycho Oncology appointments and visitors. Claudia is two doors down the hall and we visit each other. I feel happy and think about my journey so far, while I chat with other patients about it.

I am one lucky girl and despite the fact that this might be misunderstood, I still say it…. I am happy that I have cancer. I was quite quickly in a position, where I knew it had not spread – otherwise I might not have been as positive, who knows, but I felt on top of things ….. and really, it is not the cancer itself obviously, but the opportunities it brings along, the people, the time….maybe I needed this as a more drastic wake up call, as I was too busy to listen to the quieter ones?!?!

I started to write my story today – I still have a bit to go…. six weeks until radiation, the four weeks radiation, four weeks later rehab, which brings me to at least July!

International Women’s Day – great day for a breast operation – chemo buddy Claudia messaged me last night that she will have the operation today in Holweide…. what a coincidence?!?!? Maja wanted to come with me this time, but her daughter has D&V and I am so happy to see Claudia.

Prof. Dr. Warm sticks a wire into my breast like last time, I still don’t like it and I have to go get a mammogram to see, if it sits alright. Not MRI? „It is broken!“ „What?“ Well, they are doing a software update/ maintenance …. all patients, who needed an MRI prior to the operation had to be cancelled and I am so happy that a mammogram will do the job for me!

The mammogram ladies are so nice, the experience is nowhere near the butcher scenes I had at Pan Clinic and we chat about Bali. The team that brings me to the operation is quite jolly and the nurse in the OP prep had a pub, lived in Spain and is really funny – the atmosphere is very relaxed and I am not nervous…. well, my blood pressure rises a bit, when they need quite a few attempts to place the needle for the narcotics, but then I feel my eyelids getting heavier and heavier.

„Don’t forget to remove the port!“ Are my last words before the operation, as they did not mark it and when I wake up, I notice that there is no drainage bag….. Whooohooo! That makes it so much easier and maybe I can go home earlier?!? What is the issue with a drainage bag? There is a hole in the side of the breast and they regularly empty it. Once they remove it, you need to change the dressing after each shower and make sure it is kept clean and dry. It is just one thing less to worry about 😀

I really feel I am in good hands with Prof. Dr. Warm and Prof. Dr. Breidenbach and both come and see me post operation! All went well and my value is higher now, according to Prof. Dr. Warm, as he placed two titan clips into my breast to mark the tumor landmarks, which will be important for the radio therapy. Apparently the radio therapy will do ‚boosters‘, which are highly concentrated beams on the spots…. I am sure I will learn more about it later 😉 my breasts are still the same – well, it is all bandaged, but the plan was to only remove the tissue around the tumor areas and this will be examined to see, if I am cancer free…The pathology results should be there on Wednesday and Prof. Dr. Breidenbach will call or What’s App me and also gave the ok to go a little bit skiing around Easter – She is simply the best!

Back in my room, I get a hearty lunch, which I barely touch and fall asleep. My room mate is really nice, specially comes here from Düsseldorf because of Prof. Dr. Warms and we chat away, but I am happy she will leave tonight, as I will have a single room 🎉

„What kind of VIP are you?!?!“ she wonders, when even the Stefan Mross like head of anesthesia comes to check on me after a psycho oncologist and a nurse, who gives me a new heart pillow…. I don’t know, but feel well taken care off 😉

Normally I would tell Leo to get lost at 6:00am, when he said we should bake a Fireman Sam cake, but since I am awake since at least 4:00am, Mia since 5:00am and I am going to hospital tomorrow, I find myself baking a cake 🤦‍♀️

I do not consider baking a cake as lasting or meaningful, but it is a happy memory we share. Yes, I want to do as much as I can with my kids while I am still able to do so.

Having withdrawn my objection to cutting my sick benefits 1-6 February, the insurance company calls to ask, if I will also withdraw the objection to cutting the household aid… hmmmmm…. no!

After meeting the running mamas, I quickly stop at home to shower, before meeting Hannah and getting the fondant for the cake. The phone rings and my blood freezes for a minute, when I see that it is the hospital Holweide. Didn’t Prof. Dr. Warm only wanted to call, if the genetics test was positive to discuss a mastectomy?!? „We are calling regarding the genetic test results“ my heart beats really fast and I barely hear anything…. „tomorrow we will proceed as planned, as the results are negative!“ Pfewwwww…. I am over the moon! I was hoping that it was negative and to be honest, I would not have been emotionally prepared facing a mastectomy not even 24 hours later…. whoooohoooo!

Slight weight improvement – 4kg to go now! I met a breast cancer survivor at Prof. Dr. Warm’s yesterday and asked her about the cortisone …. she said it took her at least six month to get rid of it?!?!? …. will pretend that I am back in a matter of weeks and count on terrible hospital food 😉

I have a busy schedule and am awake since 3:30am again…. doctor’s, HRG, coffee and lunch dates at Klee’snacks and chiropody. My toe nails look dangerous and one might be slightly infected, but as always, she says that she has seen worse 😂…. well, I will loose the two big ones, but they are still hanging in there!

It is sunny, much warmer and the best setting for a hospital day at charming Holweide 😉

On my way to the clinic, the insurance company calls me to inform me that due to the beneficial nature of my trip to Bali, I will get my sick benefits for this period. Whoohoooo, now I only have two issues outstanding with them …

At Holweide, I have several talks with doctors, the professor, the admin, the patient management, the head of anesthesia and the psycho oncologist and despite all of them being super efficient, it keeps me busy for a few hours and brings me back to my medical reality…. what is the outcome?!? The operation will be breast-preserving and the port will be removed at the same time. Prof. Dr. Warm is charming and efficient as ever and the only little drawback is that he did not get the results from the genetics test…. this might change the entire scope of the operation. I will not share the results, but he will call to get them and I might have to meet him again to discuss a possible mastectomy.

The future – six weeks past the operation, radiotherapy will start and it will be every day for four weeks! This actually means that we could fit a little skiing holiday in prior to radiation and that I will be done shortly after my godchild Finn’s communion and Mia’s second birthday – I have to be fit for both though.

Scrolling through the park on my way home, as the trains have major issues today, I rest for a while in the sun, enjoy the moment and feel gratitude. Lucky me!

I am still on a high after Bali and I have more energy than ever! Whoohoooo…. unfortunately I also still have this blown up cortisone face more than three weeks past my last chemo, which somehow feels worse now than before and honestly, I cannot wait for these side effects to fade away. I know I will have more wrinkles, but I don’t care 😉 …. and the hot flashes are just as annoying, but I guess I have to live with them for a while 🙄

I do the early morning shift with Mia making pancakes, the late morning with Leo playing, reading and chatting, Mia and I meet Simone for lunch and a scroll around the parks and it is great to have some quality time with each one separately ❤️ I am less distracted and more focused and hope that it will get better as the chemo poison is slowly leaving my body.

By the late afternoon I am exhausted though… yep, I still have to take it easy I guess 😉

I cannot wait for the kids to wake up, but the lack of sleep certainly hits me by 11:00 am…. never mind, I am so happy and we have snow 😍

As far as my hair is concerned, I trim it to 1mm and am now waiting for even density until I let it grow 😉, my eyebrows are growing a little bit and apart from three eyelashes, all others are gone and there is not even the faintest regrowth in sight 🙄

Four hours of sleep is not enough 😫, but hey…. I have yet a last peaceful breakfast by the pool and as Luh put it so nicely: „Bali is where the souls comes to heal. The air here is medicine for the soul!“

The flights home are easy and thanks to Barbara from Auckland, who let me use her phone, I can quickly call the kids from Singapore before jumping on my second leg.

I hope my doctor’s office issues my sick notice on the 1st, so I don’t face further cuts 😉, but the important message of the day – it is the second already…. did you check you boobs?!? Honestly, to this day I have never done it, but I will, as it was only by accident that I found that knot!

Home sweet home?!? Home freezing home would be more appropriate – it is snowing…. it has not been this cold for years and I am definately not dressed for the occasion, but cannot wait to go home and see my sleeping kids ❤️

Sound Medicine is a combination of different breathing techniques, mantra singing and listening to music. Leaving I am tired beyond belief and despite all efforts, cannot stay awake until the kids are home from Kindergarten…. but they have a bedtime story and a video waiting.

It is almost full moon, but I sleep like a baby until it is time to see David for an early morning Qi Gong, which is amazing. The Yoda Studio is a little straw hut right next to a pont with sea lillies and a little rice patch and the exercises are slow and smooth and calmly wake up my mind and body while the rolling of the river, which passes by is rounding up this wonderful experience.

I actually meet some more cancer survivors during my trip and it is interesting how everyone has a cancer story…. this one is Margarete’s – she had a double mastectomy and yet got breast cancer in the same spot ten years later, which I did not know was even possible!

To complete my healing journey, I am seeing a kinesiologist today, which makes it a somewhat busy morning, but worth the while. Theodora lives outside of Ubud in the middle of some rice fields and we talk a lot, sitting on her terrace while the humming birds fly in and out of the trees surrounding her little house. I have to lay on a bench and she presses my arm. The things she tells me are nice and interesting and guess what – I need to meditate more 🙄

Since I am leaving tomorrow, I want to do as much as I can: Yoga Massage, where I definitely enjoyed the receiving more than the giving, Sound Healing with Punnu, which is very relaxing, as we just listen to Punnu and his gang playing and singing and Restorative Yoga with Tina, which is a pure bliss with only about four asanas in 90 minutes and mindfulness guidance as we rest in the poses….

I skip Yin Yoga though, as I need to eat something and a quick swim ….. but I am happy!

Ubud is happy celebrating full moon and offerings are piled up outside our hotel and everyone is dressed up. The joy and pride are contagious and we hit the town for a final evening out. There is singing and laughing coming from the temples as we walk up the main road. I feel so familiar now with the people, the traffic and easily find my way around this little city, which I am so fond of.

It was the best decision to come here and I go back stronger and with many happy memories to help me through the next challenges ahead of me. Apart from looking forward to seeing my kids, I don’t want to leave, but will make sure to come back soon – apparently in June it is really quiet here and you get good deals 😉

It was a wonderful atmosphere last night with candles only in the upper studio, which is open to all sides letting the subtle noises of the jungle mingle with the singing of the Tibetan bowls. Peaceful and beautiful, but all these bowls ringing did not help me sleep well. Maybe the day was spiritually a bit overloaded 😉

Camilla and I make our promise though and meet Greg for Kundalini Yoga at 7:30 and it is beautiful …. swimming, breakfast with what has become my little gang, and today I finally go to the market – with Made on his moped, as it is too hot today. All of Ubud is preparing for Friday, when the royal cremation is taking place and there is the smell of intense everywhere with an atmosphere of equally calm and excitement.

Shamanic Breathwork is unspectacular today, but I cry when it is finished…. I actually might have dosed off in between 😉 let’s see how Sound Medicine will go tonight….🙏 if this all does not help my emotional turmoil I don’t know what will 😂, but somehow I hope that the chemo drugs are slowly leaving my body.

I have figured out what is happening on my head. It is the density of my hair on top of my head that is less than on the sides…. shall I shave it off again? Trim it until the density is the same the the sides? Maybe I always had less hair on top of my head?!? The combover is unfortunately no longer possible though 🤔