I think I have the hospital blues….and I am knackered! I have breakfast with the kids though – via FaceTime 🤣

What happened to my left breast?!? Well, during the operation, the 4mm rest of my tumor in my left breast was removed and the surrounding tissue plus the tissue around the spot where the second tumor was and the chemo port on the right hand side was also removed. They cut next to the nipple, just like last time, which will be barely noticeable, if it heals alright, but for now, it is still bleeding now and then. The breast is massively big, but apparently all ok and I am allowed to go home tomorrow. Last time my boobs were this big, I was breast feeding, but since this is a one sided issue, it feels strange….I need to wear a sports bra 24 hours a day for the next couple of weeks, need to do some exercises and shall not lift anything with my left arm – up to 2,5kgs is ok though. I have hardly any pain, but regularly take pain killers.

It could be worse, but I am sad. Why? If only I would know! It is good though that I can just pop my head into Claudia’s. Everything is quiet today and Claudia also has the blues, so we go for a coffee and spend the morning together…. Spirits are lifting and I think it is time for a sneaky champagne today!

The other issue that I was asked about on Instagram today is my port. When placed, there is a little cut they make near the chest bone on the opposite side from where the cancer is. Mine is on the left side, the port on the right. The port is a little titanium canister with a membrane on one side, which sits directly underneath your skin and a tube feeds into one of the large blood vessels. The benefit of a port is that the chemo would destroy the little venes, as it is very aggressive and you do not have to be scared about the placing of a cannula, as they simply put a needle into the port and cover it up. You simply inhale, they bang the needle into the port, put a plaster on top and you are connected. It also works for any infusions you need, e.g. the antibiotics I got in hospital for pneumonia. Once it has done it’s job, it is being removed through the same spot.

I have been back from Bali for one week now and only meditated once! Every time I attempt to do it, there is a meal or someone is cleaning, visiting, etc. It shall be the one thing I need to do today!

Working on my story is another thing, which is keeping me busy. Two pages are done, but it is a mess…. it is a bigger project than what I expected, still a bit overwhelming and frustrating, as I want to say so much all at once – pretty much like in my real life at times 😉

„If you were three centimeters longer, you would get an extended bed!“ Well, I am not and wonder what the nurse is trying to tell me…. stretch?!?!

My kids love hospital …. or rather the electric bed and turn and twist it as much as they can – I watch it from a far distance and love it ❤️

Apparently I am not allowed to lift more than 2,5kgs for three months!!….. ok, no kids, but already my handbag is probably much heavier 😳 Hmmm….. I plan to declutter 😉

Pain is ok, sleep is ok, food is ok and I can relax between Physio, Social Services, Psycho Oncology appointments and visitors. Claudia is two doors down the hall and we visit each other. I feel happy and think about my journey so far, while I chat with other patients about it.

I am one lucky girl and despite the fact that this might be misunderstood, I still say it…. I am happy that I have cancer. I was quite quickly in a position, where I knew it had not spread – otherwise I might not have been as positive, who knows, but I felt on top of things ….. and really, it is not the cancer itself obviously, but the opportunities it brings along, the people, the time….maybe I needed this as a more drastic wake up call, as I was too busy to listen to the quieter ones?!?!

I started to write my story today – I still have a bit to go…. six weeks until radiation, the four weeks radiation, four weeks later rehab, which brings me to at least July!

International Women’s Day – great day for a breast operation – chemo buddy Claudia messaged me last night that she will have the operation today in Holweide…. what a coincidence?!?!? Maja wanted to come with me this time, but her daughter has D&V and I am so happy to see Claudia.

Prof. Dr. Warm sticks a wire into my breast like last time, I still don’t like it and I have to go get a mammogram to see, if it sits alright. Not MRI? „It is broken!“ „What?“ Well, they are doing a software update/ maintenance …. all patients, who needed an MRI prior to the operation had to be cancelled and I am so happy that a mammogram will do the job for me!

The mammogram ladies are so nice, the experience is nowhere near the butcher scenes I had at Pan Clinic and we chat about Bali. The team that brings me to the operation is quite jolly and the nurse in the OP prep had a pub, lived in Spain and is really funny – the atmosphere is very relaxed and I am not nervous…. well, my blood pressure rises a bit, when they need quite a few attempts to place the needle for the narcotics, but then I feel my eyelids getting heavier and heavier.

„Don’t forget to remove the port!“ Are my last words before the operation, as they did not mark it and when I wake up, I notice that there is no drainage bag….. Whooohooo! That makes it so much easier and maybe I can go home earlier?!? What is the issue with a drainage bag? There is a hole in the side of the breast and they regularly empty it. Once they remove it, you need to change the dressing after each shower and make sure it is kept clean and dry. It is just one thing less to worry about 😀

I really feel I am in good hands with Prof. Dr. Warm and Prof. Dr. Breidenbach and both come and see me post operation! All went well and my value is higher now, according to Prof. Dr. Warm, as he placed two titan clips into my breast to mark the tumor landmarks, which will be important for the radio therapy. Apparently the radio therapy will do ‚boosters‘, which are highly concentrated beams on the spots…. I am sure I will learn more about it later 😉 my breasts are still the same – well, it is all bandaged, but the plan was to only remove the tissue around the tumor areas and this will be examined to see, if I am cancer free…The pathology results should be there on Wednesday and Prof. Dr. Breidenbach will call or What’s App me and also gave the ok to go a little bit skiing around Easter – She is simply the best!

Back in my room, I get a hearty lunch, which I barely touch and fall asleep. My room mate is really nice, specially comes here from Düsseldorf because of Prof. Dr. Warms and we chat away, but I am happy she will leave tonight, as I will have a single room 🎉

„What kind of VIP are you?!?!“ she wonders, when even the Stefan Mross like head of anesthesia comes to check on me after a psycho oncologist and a nurse, who gives me a new heart pillow…. I don’t know, but feel well taken care off 😉

Normally I would tell Leo to get lost at 6:00am, when he said we should bake a Fireman Sam cake, but since I am awake since at least 4:00am, Mia since 5:00am and I am going to hospital tomorrow, I find myself baking a cake 🤦‍♀️

I do not consider baking a cake as lasting or meaningful, but it is a happy memory we share. Yes, I want to do as much as I can with my kids while I am still able to do so.

Having withdrawn my objection to cutting my sick benefits 1-6 February, the insurance company calls to ask, if I will also withdraw the objection to cutting the household aid… hmmmmm…. no!

After meeting the running mamas, I quickly stop at home to shower, before meeting Hannah and getting the fondant for the cake. The phone rings and my blood freezes for a minute, when I see that it is the hospital Holweide. Didn’t Prof. Dr. Warm only wanted to call, if the genetics test was positive to discuss a mastectomy?!? „We are calling regarding the genetic test results“ my heart beats really fast and I barely hear anything…. „tomorrow we will proceed as planned, as the results are negative!“ Pfewwwww…. I am over the moon! I was hoping that it was negative and to be honest, I would not have been emotionally prepared facing a mastectomy not even 24 hours later…. whoooohoooo!

Slight weight improvement – 4kg to go now! I met a breast cancer survivor at Prof. Dr. Warm’s yesterday and asked her about the cortisone …. she said it took her at least six month to get rid of it?!?!? …. will pretend that I am back in a matter of weeks and count on terrible hospital food 😉

I have a busy schedule and am awake since 3:30am again…. doctor’s, HRG, coffee and lunch dates at Klee’snacks and chiropody. My toe nails look dangerous and one might be slightly infected, but as always, she says that she has seen worse 😂…. well, I will loose the two big ones, but they are still hanging in there!

It is sunny, much warmer and the best setting for a hospital day at charming Holweide 😉

On my way to the clinic, the insurance company calls me to inform me that due to the beneficial nature of my trip to Bali, I will get my sick benefits for this period. Whoohoooo, now I only have two issues outstanding with them …

At Holweide, I have several talks with doctors, the professor, the admin, the patient management, the head of anesthesia and the psycho oncologist and despite all of them being super efficient, it keeps me busy for a few hours and brings me back to my medical reality…. what is the outcome?!? The operation will be breast-preserving and the port will be removed at the same time. Prof. Dr. Warm is charming and efficient as ever and the only little drawback is that he did not get the results from the genetics test…. this might change the entire scope of the operation. I will not share the results, but he will call to get them and I might have to meet him again to discuss a possible mastectomy.

The future – six weeks past the operation, radiotherapy will start and it will be every day for four weeks! This actually means that we could fit a little skiing holiday in prior to radiation and that I will be done shortly after my godchild Finn’s communion and Mia’s second birthday – I have to be fit for both though.

Scrolling through the park on my way home, as the trains have major issues today, I rest for a while in the sun, enjoy the moment and feel gratitude. Lucky me!

I am still on a high after Bali and I have more energy than ever! Whoohoooo…. unfortunately I also still have this blown up cortisone face more than three weeks past my last chemo, which somehow feels worse now than before and honestly, I cannot wait for these side effects to fade away. I know I will have more wrinkles, but I don’t care 😉 …. and the hot flashes are just as annoying, but I guess I have to live with them for a while 🙄

I do the early morning shift with Mia making pancakes, the late morning with Leo playing, reading and chatting, Mia and I meet Simone for lunch and a scroll around the parks and it is great to have some quality time with each one separately ❤️ I am less distracted and more focused and hope that it will get better as the chemo poison is slowly leaving my body.

By the late afternoon I am exhausted though… yep, I still have to take it easy I guess 😉