28 January 2018

I think my big toe nails are slowly saying good bye now 😢, my new lashes are almost all gone again, I have skin irritations and have gained more weight – I really had enough and cannot wait for the chemo to be over!!…. Silke has booked her flights to join me for one week in Bali and now we can start looking for accommodation, yoga, meditation, etc. – I really need this now to keep me going and I look forward to rest, peace and quietness.

Today is time for a quiet day, as I am tired and exhausted. We just stay at home and Carla and her dad come around.

Leo and I have tickets for the Deine Freunde concert in Palladium and we are both not in the mood, but I decide not to arrive too much in advance and only stay for an hour. There is a massive queue and for the first time, I use the cancer joker, as I don’t think I am fit enough to queue for thirty minutes and the security lady let’s us in through the VIP entrance. Thanks! These kids concerts are amazing – I would never thought that something like this existed until my nephew Finn told me about it…

Sandra’s funeral is next Saturday and I cannot stop thinking about her. It helps a lot to talk to my school friends and it brings us closer together, as we are all united in shock. I am dreading Saturday, but I really want to go to somehow be close to Sandra, her family and my friends.

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27 January 2018

Leo and his buddy Jakob learn how to ski today! Despite my prejudice concerning indoor skiing, I am amazed by the set-up with different lifts, ski huts and all you would normally find in a ski resort – great concept, Skihalle Neuss!

We have a quick dinner at Jamas and are all exhausted, but happy! What a great day!

26 January 2018

Mia was restless and I took her in my bed last night – which I loooove, but I could not sleep until 11:00pm and have been awake since at least 1:30 am 😴 ….then again, I am a mother – we can cope with no sleep at all …NOT!

Digital detox does not work with sleepless nights – I did watch a movie though (which is not really non digital, but somehow better), but it was a bit disturbing and I could not fall asleep again.

I have bad mom moments again for leaving the kids for two weeks, but I need to recharge my batteries and rest my brain and preferably in a warm climate. I am sure they will be fine, but I am torn apart and almost cancelled my flight! Well, they need a fit Mum as well, I know and I cannot get any rest here and I always wanted to do this and now is the time.

I use the time the cleaning lady is here to clean up the bedroom – declutter would be more appropriate – as things just pile up here! While I am at it, I do the sideboard in the hallway and the bathroom shelves…. Wow, what power cortisone is giving me – all done and it is only 9:30am …. I do paperwork and online banking (triple checking all the numbers 😉) and after physio I want to rest… the carpenter comes around just as I lay down – no rest for the wicked!

I manage a little sleep, before it is Spiritual Awakening time again at the Institut für Intuition… what a weird experience and it lasts way too long taking away my rest at home before the von Brücken gig at Kulturkirche tonight. The idea of the intuition training is to listen to your heart and we have to think about colours, which is all fine and a meditation in a way, but then there is the final exercise, where we should in pairs feel each other’s aura 🤪 This is too much, sorry, I feel nothing and do not need this again! I agree though to a healing session, which is actually nice. This lady walks around me, touches my shoulders and tells me that I am full of love and she gives me green and gold colours and a gold protection! I like that pictures and dash off!

I should go straight with Christina to the gig now, but have to pick up my antibiotics from home …. pfew. After a quick hello, I jump on my bike and meet Christina. I have a tummy ache since this stupid aura reading, but hope that it will be better, when I am at the concert! I did not plan to stuff the day this much, but it just happened 😉

The band leader of von Brücken actually had to stop at the peak of his career due to anxiety, started a therapy and wrote a book about it. He is very authentic and emotional during the concert and I really love the concert! We even can sit in between, as the church benches were left on the sides. Since Mia and Leo’s Christening, I think I have only been here for concerts and readings 😉

Food dilemma – they always sell pretzels at the bar in Kulturkirche, but not today, which means that Christina and I still have to get food after the concert for me to take the antibiotics 🙄 We go to Da Franco, I have pasta and drinks and it rounds up a great evening, but that huge plate of spaghetti is keeping me awake now…. 😂🤣

25 January 2018

Will the chemo take place? Dr. Reiser is concerned, but we make a plan – I take antibiotics and he will do the chemo and we see next week how I am ….. whoooohooo 14/16 is in the books!

Maja picks me up from chemo  and we planned to go for Fish’n’Chips, but the place closed down! We find another Chips place, where the chips actually look better than what they taste like. My face is all blown up from cortisone, but it is like a face lift – no wrinkles!!! I am soo tired that I can barely keep my eyes open. Good night world 😴

24 January 2018

Despite all my good intentions I spent the evening clinging to my laptop and phone – yet, I did not have the energy for anything else! Well, the intention is already a good start I guess 😉

Today I am … still in bed! I cancel the running Mamas, neither do I have the energy to meet them for a coffee nor Maja in her allotment garden across the street – I am flat out!

I get a few phone calls, which make me feel socially connected, but my highlight is that two of the cancer chicks from Insta and I now have the „Bosom Buddies“ What’s App group – Paula’s husband named us 😉 – and I love it! We chat away and it really cheers me up! We are all in the same boat!

Baby steps… Lunchtime goal: meditate and food, big goal for today – shower and pick up Leo from Kindergarten, if I have the energy – thank god we have the household aids, who can pick up Leo, if I am too weak!

It is almost dark, when I finally shower, but I have no energy for the Kindergarten run…. I am still coughing and inhale away!

On top of that I am on the phone with Prof. Dr. Breidenbach’s practice and the insurance company, as the household aids have only been contracted until 31st January and the paperwork is missing – it is stressing me out and I wonder how I will cope with my job one day, if I am already overwhelmed by this?!? Then again – it is probably not the best day to compare myself to the full-time working multitasking normal me 😉

Markus is going out tonight, I have a phone date and an early night to be ready for chemo 14/16!

23 January 2018

Welcome to the world of my emotional ups and downs – maybe you can image what it can be like at times, when I share my morning: As I wake up, I have no energy and have the feeling that I don’t really have a life at the moment. Somehow I cannot even picture that I will ever have one again – it is beyond my imagination that one day I will have the strength and energy to manage the kids, work and everything around it… on the other hand, I have the feeling while sitting at home that everyone else has a life and seems to be enjoying it. I really try to tell myself that this is silly, but it does not work.

At lymphdrainage I mention that my hand still hurts and that I cannot hold anything. Frau Dietrich has a solution, as always, and tapes my hand. Luckily I can talk her out of the pink tape, but black looks like serious business now.

I want to sew something, but just the thought of getting the sewing machine off the shelf makes me tired and I am ending up being on the internet instead. It is an activity that does not take much of an effort and I can sit in bed. It does not really brighten my mood though.

To cheer myself up, I am meeting Andrea for lunch at Klee’Snacks. I know I have to take it easy, but it is unlikely that I will get pneumonia from riding the bike around the corner and having lunch 😉 and this is exactly what I need… not from a calorie point of view, as I had a whole bar of chocolate as an ‚after breakfast snack‘, but from an emotional one 😉 This actually works! I still have no energy, but I am in a much better mood.

My hair is growing like crazy, but I will just shave it off again until I have an even hair growth. I know that a lot of chemo patients are happy about any hair that grows back, but I think a lot of them look like ostriches, when the first baby hair grows back and for my liking I am rather bald than an ostrich. I have a close look every day at my hairline (or rather the missing hairline) and as soon as I see a bit more regrowth, I will let my hair go wild!

Enough is enough and on my way to mindfulness and digital detox, I have yet taken another step. After deleting the Facebook messenger a while ago, I deactivated notifications from Insta and the rest today. I feel empowered and much better already. If you need to get hold of me, give me a call or send me a text 😉

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22 January 2018

I have a cold, a sore throat and I am doing nothing!! Promise! I think a lot about Sandra, exchange memories & pictures with our little circle of girlfriends from school…. we were really close and shared so many memories. I will always be really close to them, even though we are not regularly in touch and all live in different cities and countries.

Muriel sent me this hilarious book Cancer and the City – it is a French comic about cancer and I love it… it shows the whole journey, but is done in such a nice way! Informative, serious and funny!

I feel really old today – I can hardly walk up and down the stairs and there is no way I will even consider going to yoga! No way! Markus is happy that he can go to his sports tonight then!

Despite having no energy and feeling sorry for myself, I did look for yoga, meditation and quietness in Bali ❤️

21 January 2018

I am so shocked and so sad. I found out last night that my school friend Sandra died in a car accident on Friday. We have not been in touch for almost five years, but I knew her already from primary school, we shared so many memories, went horseback riding for years, tried rowing, were in a basketball team, shared ups and downs…. Sandra has two daughters, I just cry thinking about her family and I cannot believe it. I was sure to meet her this year for our 25 year high school reunion! I am still in shock….

My cousin also had a terrible car accident last week, but he was lucky and it was a miracle he survived.

We take it all for granted, but have to treasure each person and live each moment. When you have cancer, you think about the possibility of death, but suddenly being taken away like this, feels unreal and so unfair!

YOLO – you only live once ❤️

20 January 2018

Chillaxing with one of my best friends – best therapy ever ❤️ Anne points out that I have a massive number reading issue with my chemo brain, as I read out some numbers and prices to her and apparently say them all in the wrong order …. hmmm…. mental note to self – no more online banking post chemo!

I read an article yesterday (yep, one day post chemo and I am able to read again!) that the compulsory mammography scans are not bringing the results they were supposed to bring – especially as there is no point having them prior to 50, as the breast tissue is too dense, „young“ cancer patients like me (in cancer terms, I am considered being a spring chicken at 44 😉) are missing out on being diagnosed early enough…. the good news is that there might be a blood test that can determine, weather you have cancer or not! This is why cancer research needs to be supported!!

What a coincidence – as I plan my trip to Bali, the best option is to fly via Singapore! A friend of mine is traveling the same day from Melbourne to Singapore and we will spend a one night in Singapore. Silke will only join me later anyway, so this is a winwin for all of us and makes my eastbound journey very relaxed and I can catch up with my friend! All is booked now – will be in Bali 16th February – 2nd March 🙏

My granddad would have been 110 today and I am taking a trip down memory lane. This afternoon I am meeting my friend Holger – we were in love when I was 18, but I was too shy to admit it …. teenage troubles…. he then found himself another girlfriend and I was heartbroken. We have been back in touch for a while and I am very happy that we sorted it out. Life is too short for problems and I am even more eager to get rid off any issues since I have cancer! If there are misunderstandings/ problems, I like to talk about them, overcome any issues, forgive other people or myself and move on! I am more in the here and now, try not to look back with regret and not to plan too much for the future…. that is at least what I try to do 😉

We scroll through the rainy Frankfurt, chat away and have dinner and drinks before taking the trains in different directions.

19 January 2018

Instagram’s Paulina posted that her tumor did not much care about the EC chemo and I have to think about her all the time. They will operate next week now and then try another chemo – there are options and that is great, but it is scary and I cannot stop thinking about her ❤️ it also makes me appreciate even more that my tumor is gone, as it is not uncommon that chemo does not work, but luckily chemo is only one of the steps! Cancer, it is not fair how you play, but you messed with the wrong girl! Go Paulina 👍🏻

I am going to Frankfurt to stay with Anne & her family …. whooohooooo! Cannot wait to see her – Thank you Markus for staying with the kids!

Due to hurricane Friederike, almost all trains are cancelled, but I am able to catch a later super fast one and despite a 45 minutes delay due to a missing train conductor, I still arrive at the same time I was supposed to be there 🎉 Lucky me!

I did shave my head again…. I had the feeling my hair was falling out and I looked ill. I am a proper Mr. Clean again! Unfortunately I had to say good bye to a few lashes as well 😢, but I am ok with it this time around. The end is near! And I started coughing again…. I will monitor it, as I cannot face another pneumonia! Ok, maybe I am exaggerating a bit and hypochondriac, but I cannot read or trust my body anymore, when it comes to my immune system. It is still doing a great job with all the chemo poisons, but is too busy for the normal wee colds nowadays. We will see! I have a sauna date with the girls on Sunday and hope I will be fit – fingers crossed!

Side effects from chemo – numb fingers and feet, very dry skin inside and out, bone aches, light skin irritations, hunger and water retention (also in my face … well, I do not have any wrinkles now 😉). It could be worse though and a good night’s sleep really helped! Total weight gain – 4kgs and I hope it won’t be more.

I am chilling on Anne’s Sofa skipping the kids‘ afternoon activities and look forward to some quality girlfriend time later on ❤️

A new thing I discovered, are inspirational podcasts…. I am trying a few! The boring ones help me to sleep…. any recommendations???Our 14€ Sushi lunch.....