1 February 2018

Chemo 15/16 ✔️

Beauty update: I was too scared to leave the eyebrow colour on all night and peeled it off before I went to bed last night and they are quite dark. I ask Markus at breakfast, if they are too dark and he states „yeah, but you still peel them off, right!?!?“ …ahhhh! They loose intensity after a shower though and I like them! The attempt to tattoo an eyeliner line (or whatever you call that), also went terribly wrong. I lines did go for a wander during the night and are everywhere, but nothing permanently and my eyes are swollen and sore …. This is probably already the dramatic end to my bright beauty blog future 😉 Yet, I am in a good mood today and even manage a drugstore and cash maschine run prior to chemo!

Today is the last time I am meeting Sonja at pioh and she gives me a little good luck bracelet ❤️, while I get a lecture from nurse Fassbender about doing sports while having an infection. She is right, I know – the heart… even no muscle training! Well, next Wednesday is LAST chemo day and I cannot do sports anyway 😉

Dr. Reiser comes to see me and I shall take the antibiotics for another week and we are going ahead with the chemo. It is quite funny, but all my doctor’s look like they could play in one of these hospital soaps…. maybe this is all not real!??! No, as actually feel the port needle quite intensely today. Last time, the spot was bruised a bit, maybe that is why. These needles look dramatic, as they are really thick, but normally I look away, inhale, they punch it in and all is done.

I actually sleep a good hour at Chemo and get a jacket potato, which they call „Kumpir“ at BearSalad…..hmmmmm and some fresh carrot juice. I sit there, look at the people passing by and feel the peace and quietness.

„You are hungry? You did not have breakfast!?“ The driver asks, as I start eating the licorice I stocked up on, now feeling a bit guilty, as I had breakfast and lunch… „no, I had chemo and it makes me hungry“ he looks at me, nods and says „you will do it! “ and I nod back „this was in fact chemo 15/16 and all is going well! Thanks!“ … and then it comes – attention Bullshit bingo lovers: he wants to know what cancer I have „Aha, breastcancer! You know what you have to do?!? I had a passenger once with the same cancer…. beetroot juice! You can get it in Rewe, go to the beverage section and they sell little packages, but make sure it says Bio on it. It is great and the cancer will be gone!“ 😂🤣 I just thank him – I know he meant well and he is such a friendly chap – sorry, Mr. Taxidriver! Yep, all this time with cancer research wasted, while the answer was always there – but nobody asked the taxi driver in Cologne! Go Bosom Buddies – drink beetroot juice☝️

I talk for a long time with my school friend Gregor on the phone. I know him from kindergarten/music school already and connections will always be there. We are always automatically ourselves – we know so much about each other. Talking to him about Sandra, helps both of us and I am mentally stronger and stronger. Saturday should be a day to celebrate her life!

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Waiting for my second last chemo!!

31 January 2018

I am sooo tired … again! Yesterday I fall asleep all dressed, only to wake up at 3.00am, when Mia decides to be awake. I finally get ready for bed and spend the next two hours laying next to her, while she is singing all her favorite songs, naming all food, which she loves and wants, naming all my body parts, while randomly resting on my belly (much more comfortable post cortisone), chest, neck and cheek 🙄!

Today everything is too much, but also too good…. I go for a mild workout and a heavy coffee & lunch session with the running mamas, quick shower & chat with the Bosom Buddies and it starts raining cats and dogs…. but I still have to pick up Leo and drop him off at the English playgroup. This is the last time we go there and I am quite happy about it! While I wait for him I book my first two nights in Canggu (Bali) on AirBnB for me, myself and I, as Silke is only joining me on the 18th, when we go together to Ubud…. Now I really cannot wait!

Next stop is the department store Kaufhof for Leo’s birthday wish list inspiration. His birthday is in September, but he is determined that it is about time to start thinking about it and since he has never been to a proper toy shop, he is amazed by all the products and cannot stop saying „Wow! Mum, come here… wow!“. We buy something little for him and Mia and off we go – still in the pouring rain – to my hairdresser CUT… obviously it is not me getting a trim!

Hannah lives in the same house as CUT and we go to her place for a playdate before we ride the bike home (still raining).

Yes, it is raining a lot and I have a busy schedule, but I am very happy today and really enjoy the day! I am tired, but I feel alive and I do normal things not having time to check my messages …. that will all change again tomorrow, when I have my second last (!!!) chemo! Thanks to Luisa and Nina for looking after my kids once again in order for me to have peace and quietness post chemo!

Maybe I am going a bit overboard, but I currently have the eyebrow colour on my eyebrows again to make them a bit darker and also on my lids as eyeliner colour….. I will try to leave it overnight and hope I will still have eyesight when I wake up 😜 Fingers crossed!img_9457 At the hairdressers….

30 January 2018

Attention – Beauty blog 😉

After dropping off Leo, I cannot wait to hit the drugstore to get the magic tattoo eyebrows. You paint them on and then peel them off and whoops, you have eyebrows again. It sounds too good to be true and I definitely am not up-to-date when it comes to beauty products. I learn about lash extensions (not suitable right now, as there is nothing to extend, but make a mental note to keep this in mind) and buy some tattoo eyeliner.

I am in Cafe Pause – for a change – to catch up with Hannah after finishing my errands. The girl, who works there, asks me, if I am ok again with my friend. I do not think that I have seen her since the start of the year, but I must have left a lasting impression back then venting my anger about my friend Nick. At the time she did give me a complimentary coffee 😉 …on the other hand, I am kind of easy to recognize with my bald head 🙄

Since I am tired, I cancel my lunch date and ride home to finally try my new eyebrows before I rest. Well, I am happy with the results! Now I will see how long they last and get some energy for the rest of the day… note to self – learn more about cool products! Thank you Bosom Buddies for bringing me up-to-date! There is a whole world out there, which I am apparently not aware of – jeez, I think I am old… but hey, I got eyebrows! Time to take them out for a spin 😜

29 January 2018

The situation is already very emotional, but with chemo drugs, I am even more emotional than normally and cry all morning trying to write to Sandra’s family. My mind does not stand still and since I have so much time to think, I do not find a way out of this mental spin – I need to get out of the house to distract myself! I finally write and post the letter and after physio and a grocery run, I go for some well needed ‚coffee therapy‘ to Café Pause with Nina. Simone joins us and Maja picks me up for lunch in the salad bar next door…. as Tabea said – the café scene in Nippes would currently not survive without me 😉

Trying to be all healthy prior to Karneval, Maja and I have Indian spinach & lentil soup …. hmmm…. but I am shaking from too much coffee and emotions. I ride home and try to rest until the kids return, but chat to the bosom buddies and my school friend Vera instead, which is the best for recharging my batteries. I even have the energy to bath both kids, which is wonderful ❤

Apparently I do not look too well, as the girls thought that I did not wear any make-up. OK, it was not a lot, just some eyebrow colour, mascara on my five lashes (which is now really pointless) and eyeliner, but you don’t know what it looks like without any make-up at all – you would be shocked….I will have to wear MORE make-up! My bosom buddies told me about these tattoo eyebrows and I cannot wait for the drugstore to open tomorrow – beautiful brows, bring them on! I will post the results unless I look like Theo Waigel 😉

Yes, I am still on antibiotics, but I feel a little better and did consider yoga for about five minutes… Markus is happy that he can quite regularly go to his sports lately, but next week, I will go again!

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28 January 2018

I think my big toe nails are slowly saying good bye now 😢, my new lashes are almost all gone again, I have skin irritations and have gained more weight – I really had enough and cannot wait for the chemo to be over!!…. Silke has booked her flights to join me for one week in Bali and now we can start looking for accommodation, yoga, meditation, etc. – I really need this now to keep me going and I look forward to rest, peace and quietness.

Today is time for a quiet day, as I am tired and exhausted. We just stay at home and Carla and her dad come around.

Leo and I have tickets for the Deine Freunde concert in Palladium and we are both not in the mood, but I decide not to arrive too much in advance and only stay for an hour. There is a massive queue and for the first time, I use the cancer joker, as I don’t think I am fit enough to queue for thirty minutes and the security lady let’s us in through the VIP entrance. Thanks! These kids concerts are amazing – I would never thought that something like this existed until my nephew Finn told me about it…

Sandra’s funeral is next Saturday and I cannot stop thinking about her. It helps a lot to talk to my school friends and it brings us closer together, as we are all united in shock. I am dreading Saturday, but I really want to go to somehow be close to Sandra, her family and my friends.

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27 January 2018

Leo and his buddy Jakob learn how to ski today! Despite my prejudice concerning indoor skiing, I am amazed by the set-up with different lifts, ski huts and all you would normally find in a ski resort – great concept, Skihalle Neuss!

We have a quick dinner at Jamas and are all exhausted, but happy! What a great day!

26 January 2018

Mia was restless and I took her in my bed last night – which I loooove, but I could not sleep until 11:00pm and have been awake since at least 1:30 am 😴 ….then again, I am a mother – we can cope with no sleep at all …NOT!

Digital detox does not work with sleepless nights – I did watch a movie though (which is not really non digital, but somehow better), but it was a bit disturbing and I could not fall asleep again.

I have bad mom moments again for leaving the kids for two weeks, but I need to recharge my batteries and rest my brain and preferably in a warm climate. I am sure they will be fine, but I am torn apart and almost cancelled my flight! Well, they need a fit Mum as well, I know and I cannot get any rest here and I always wanted to do this and now is the time.

I use the time the cleaning lady is here to clean up the bedroom – declutter would be more appropriate – as things just pile up here! While I am at it, I do the sideboard in the hallway and the bathroom shelves…. Wow, what power cortisone is giving me – all done and it is only 9:30am …. I do paperwork and online banking (triple checking all the numbers 😉) and after physio I want to rest… the carpenter comes around just as I lay down – no rest for the wicked!

I manage a little sleep, before it is Spiritual Awakening time again at the Institut für Intuition… what a weird experience and it lasts way too long taking away my rest at home before the von Brücken gig at Kulturkirche tonight. The idea of the intuition training is to listen to your heart and we have to think about colours, which is all fine and a meditation in a way, but then there is the final exercise, where we should in pairs feel each other’s aura 🤪 This is too much, sorry, I feel nothing and do not need this again! I agree though to a healing session, which is actually nice. This lady walks around me, touches my shoulders and tells me that I am full of love and she gives me green and gold colours and a gold protection! I like that pictures and dash off!

I should go straight with Christina to the gig now, but have to pick up my antibiotics from home …. pfew. After a quick hello, I jump on my bike and meet Christina. I have a tummy ache since this stupid aura reading, but hope that it will be better, when I am at the concert! I did not plan to stuff the day this much, but it just happened 😉

The band leader of von Brücken actually had to stop at the peak of his career due to anxiety, started a therapy and wrote a book about it. He is very authentic and emotional during the concert and I really love the concert! We even can sit in between, as the church benches were left on the sides. Since Mia and Leo’s Christening, I think I have only been here for concerts and readings 😉

Food dilemma – they always sell pretzels at the bar in Kulturkirche, but not today, which means that Christina and I still have to get food after the concert for me to take the antibiotics 🙄 We go to Da Franco, I have pasta and drinks and it rounds up a great evening, but that huge plate of spaghetti is keeping me awake now…. 😂🤣

25 January 2018

Will the chemo take place? Dr. Reiser is concerned, but we make a plan – I take antibiotics and he will do the chemo and we see next week how I am ….. whoooohooo 14/16 is in the books!

Maja picks me up from chemo  and we planned to go for Fish’n’Chips, but the place closed down! We find another Chips place, where the chips actually look better than what they taste like. My face is all blown up from cortisone, but it is like a face lift – no wrinkles!!! I am soo tired that I can barely keep my eyes open. Good night world 😴

24 January 2018

Despite all my good intentions I spent the evening clinging to my laptop and phone – yet, I did not have the energy for anything else! Well, the intention is already a good start I guess 😉

Today I am … still in bed! I cancel the running Mamas, neither do I have the energy to meet them for a coffee nor Maja in her allotment garden across the street – I am flat out!

I get a few phone calls, which make me feel socially connected, but my highlight is that two of the cancer chicks from Insta and I now have the „Bosom Buddies“ What’s App group – Paula’s husband named us 😉 – and I love it! We chat away and it really cheers me up! We are all in the same boat!

Baby steps… Lunchtime goal: meditate and food, big goal for today – shower and pick up Leo from Kindergarten, if I have the energy – thank god we have the household aids, who can pick up Leo, if I am too weak!

It is almost dark, when I finally shower, but I have no energy for the Kindergarten run…. I am still coughing and inhale away!

On top of that I am on the phone with Prof. Dr. Breidenbach’s practice and the insurance company, as the household aids have only been contracted until 31st January and the paperwork is missing – it is stressing me out and I wonder how I will cope with my job one day, if I am already overwhelmed by this?!? Then again – it is probably not the best day to compare myself to the full-time working multitasking normal me 😉

Markus is going out tonight, I have a phone date and an early night to be ready for chemo 14/16!

23 January 2018

Welcome to the world of my emotional ups and downs – maybe you can image what it can be like at times, when I share my morning: As I wake up, I have no energy and have the feeling that I don’t really have a life at the moment. Somehow I cannot even picture that I will ever have one again – it is beyond my imagination that one day I will have the strength and energy to manage the kids, work and everything around it… on the other hand, I have the feeling while sitting at home that everyone else has a life and seems to be enjoying it. I really try to tell myself that this is silly, but it does not work.

At lymphdrainage I mention that my hand still hurts and that I cannot hold anything. Frau Dietrich has a solution, as always, and tapes my hand. Luckily I can talk her out of the pink tape, but black looks like serious business now.

I want to sew something, but just the thought of getting the sewing machine off the shelf makes me tired and I am ending up being on the internet instead. It is an activity that does not take much of an effort and I can sit in bed. It does not really brighten my mood though.

To cheer myself up, I am meeting Andrea for lunch at Klee’Snacks. I know I have to take it easy, but it is unlikely that I will get pneumonia from riding the bike around the corner and having lunch 😉 and this is exactly what I need… not from a calorie point of view, as I had a whole bar of chocolate as an ‚after breakfast snack‘, but from an emotional one 😉 This actually works! I still have no energy, but I am in a much better mood.

My hair is growing like crazy, but I will just shave it off again until I have an even hair growth. I know that a lot of chemo patients are happy about any hair that grows back, but I think a lot of them look like ostriches, when the first baby hair grows back and for my liking I am rather bald than an ostrich. I have a close look every day at my hairline (or rather the missing hairline) and as soon as I see a bit more regrowth, I will let my hair go wild!

Enough is enough and on my way to mindfulness and digital detox, I have yet taken another step. After deleting the Facebook messenger a while ago, I deactivated notifications from Insta and the rest today. I feel empowered and much better already. If you need to get hold of me, give me a call or send me a text 😉

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