12 January 2018

Cortisone – love you and hate you….. forget the the rosy cheeks, as it is does not make up for the downturns….. not even a tiny weeny bit! No way! Apart from gaining weight and retaining water, I did not sleep all afternoon yesterday!! I rested though and listened to an audio book and watched a movie… Highlight of the day: I read something to the kids, when they came home and they were exhausted, Markus was happy to go to his Jujutsu training and the kids fell asleep really quickly. Mia always sings and talks a lot before she doses off…. just like Leo did ❤️ Adorable ❤️

I do not fall asleep until late and the kids wake me early. Mia is a bit hot today, so we decide to keep her at home and Markus can take a few hour off until she is napping….

Sylvie’s daughter Marie is in hospital…. So sorry for the newly 10 year old…. I change a book I bought for her, but am too tired to drop it off in hospital, as it is really far away and have breakfast with Maja in Café Schmitz instead – Love the place and their porridge!

On the way home I run into this Thai Massage special offer – pure bliss – and …. oh no…. buy clothes again….. I have to stop this post chemo retail therapy, as this is getting out of hands – I already bought a wooly sweater and a cardigan yesterday, but at least second hand 😉 The lady in the shop chats to me about cancer and gives me another 10% discount on the dress and the t-shirt. „Is that a cancer discount?“ I ask „Yes, I think you are handling this so well or do you find that this is inappropriate?!“ Not at all and I told her that I also got 20% discount on my new shoes 😉 Thank you Kiss the Inuit!

Bad Mum moments today: millions, I spend the early morning with the kids, but then I go away and I sleep, while Steffi is with the kids…. I have to look after myself and have to make sure I only see them as much as I can handle right now, but it hurts. We are dropping them off at my parents tomorrow morning for two nights for the same reason – it is the first time ever though that they have both kids and the kids really look forward to it. I just need one or two days, where I can have a layin! I join Steffi and the kids in the late afternoon and we build and ironboard slide, have dinner and a nice evening…both kids have diarrhea and a light temperature though…. fingers crossed for our weekend plans.

Update on the hair count: lost the last two ‚old‘ eyebrow hairs on the left side during the day, but there are plenty of baby ones to make up for it 😀

11 January 2018

Chemo 12/16 is in the books ✔️….. as I am early, I decide to have a coffee in Café Fleur, where I have not been since my first date with Dr. Reiser. As I jump out of the taxi, I bump into Bianca, whose daughter used to go to Leo’s kindergarten. She follows my story and joins me for a very quick coffee – I was not that early after all….

All chemos are lined up and the last one is 7th February 🎉. The clinic calls between two infusions and I quickly go in the hallway with my stand and fix an MRT (MRI) appointment 2nd of February. The operation will be scheduled min. three weeks post the last chemo….. the later the better 😉 It shall not interfere with my travel plans, but she seems to be aware: „So you are planning to go to Bali prior to your operation…“ I will have to see Prof. Warm though prior to the operation and traveling. Whatever it takes – I will make it work!

The insurance company only grants the household aid until the end of chemo, but Prof. Dr. Breidenbach did say „until further notice“. No way! Herr Becker calls me on the way home and I need to get another document signed from the doctor documenting the further therapy and all will be fine!

Chemo nurse Block says that she will not make any predictions, if my hair will stay or go, but I think that there are good chances and also….lighter patches?!! Probably just my imagination! Fingers crossed …. Markus will probably roll his eyes because I write about my hair again, but I love love love it and I am excited to see what structure and colour it will have – so far dark and white mixed. My new eyelashes & brows are white as well and there is fine hair growing in my face and on my arms – but I don’t have to shave my legs yet 😉

I pretty much know all the other faces at chemo now and it makes it even more normal to regularly go! Claudia and Sonja are not here this week, so I quickly chat to the elderly lady next to me about the advantage of having a port and fall asleep.

I gained weight again and make a point to only bring only half a bag of candy, NO chocolate and an apple to chemo, have my carrot juice and jacket potato after chemo – this time I eat it there and watch the people – I love doing that! …. and I eat the chocolate the minute I get home 🙄.

The kids are at Nina’s again for a play date. They really enjoy these afternoons/ evenings and Markus also gets some dinner, when he picks them up! Thanks ❤️ Time for me to go to sleep 😴

10 January 2018

Oh what a day….I have a cold, but want to go to a moderate LaufMamaLauf training and coffee 😉, need to drop something off at the doctor’s and be by 1pm with the new psychologist….. pfewww… the Haus LebensWert, where Frau Scheulen is located has a variety of psycho oncology offers for cancer patients and she recommends a music or art therapy, which I shall book tomorrow. I will see her again, when she has a space available, which might be in appr. 3 months.

2.45pm English playgroup with Leo & Jakob, we meet Mia and Anja at the playground and I drop them off at gymnastics at 5.00pm, as I need to be at the Institut for Intuition by 5.45pm!

Christina and I arrive late and already entering the room, I have the urge to leave again. Half the audience sits there with their eyes closed touching their chakras …. oh please! Alexandra gives a short introduction and each of us are paired with someone, who will do a reading or healing with us (these were actually the people, with the closed eyes). Sandra tells me about pictures she sees and all I have to do is say my full name a few times. The funny thing is that I can picture this and that it touches me emotionally. Very interesting – Christina and I use the opportunity to discuss this over dinner and drinks in the Eckstein 😉 Tomorrow is chemo day and I will sleep all day …. awwww!

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Spiritual awakening…

9 January 2018

The tumor is gone, gone, gone….. whoooohoooo 🎉

Prof. Dr. Breidenbach is really nice as usual and I ask when the genetics test will happen and she is surprised that Holweide did not organize it yet – that will be the next step. Concerning my outstanding chemos, she still wants to finish the full cycle of 12 Ts, which I am completely fine with – only realizing afterwards that my last chemo will be the first day of Karneval 🤦‍♀️ Well, it is only the first day of Karneval and I can still celebrate the remaining days – on the other hand, pioh is located near Rudolfplatz, where it is all happening during Karneval …. there is no way I can even get there. I will check, if they can do it a day early!

Further subjects are lyphdrainage – I can continue and it is not an issue during chemo (as my sentinels were ok), I will continue to have the household aid until further notice, I will get the handicapped pass (50%) next time in Holweide and she will schedule the MRT for prior to Karneval, in order for me to travel & recover without any worries.  She asks about my weight and yes, Cortisone makes you hungry and causes water retention 🙄 I say that I am often hot and that is also why I don’t want to wear a wig and she says that it is menopause…. BAM! I thought it was cortisone and that chemo would kill any fertility and menopause would start after the anti hormone therapy, but now… at 44?!? Whatever….I still blame the cortisone!

She is such a great doctor and quite cool about everything – I do everything that is good for me and she totally has my back here. There is a cancer history in her family and she is completely dedicated to make a difference – we also discuss Kim and how sad it is, if young patients are sent away without being checked properly for breast cancer, as they are „too young“.

Prof. Dr. Breidenbach checks both breasts with the ultrasound and finds absolutely nothing apart from the tumor marker and she is extremely pleased with everything – and so am I. She says that „we still have to make a decision“ concerning the operation – I thought that she had made this decision long time ago, but it will have to wait until after chemo now. In case she will hollow the breast and also ‚do‘ the other side, does this mean that she will also hollow the other side?!?….. no, only if the gene test is positive. This means that I would have a full silikon breast and a half one 😜 interesting and apparently the health insurance will decide what will happen to my second breast, but she says that she cannot just do one, which makes sense with gravity, etc. …. again – we will discuss the details later. The next meeting will be post the MRT, which is yet another check that the tumor is gone and that there are no other areas of concern. „Total remission“ can only be given by the pathologist post operation, but I am all positive.

My cousin’s daughter Marie is 10 today and I stop by before going to Holweide to see the psychologist…. here I am eating cake at my cousin’s just like I did on the day of my diagnosis, when her other daughter Jule started school 😉 Chemo brain kicks in again on my way to Holweide. A friend had a baby, which is in a very critical state and I want to drop off a goodie bag with magazines & sweets, as she is in Holweide, but notice that I left it on the tube 🤦‍♀️ Someone will be happy…. thank god there is a little shop in the hospital, where I can buy it again…..

I see the psycho oncologist. She will be at the intuition training the next day, which will be interesting and hopefully not as spiritual as I fear – I will still give it a try, as she says that it would be perfect for me. She tells me about the different aspects of rehab and the differences in quality. That will be a subject down the line though – I don’t even know, if I want to do it, but it is probably a good idea and there is a service in Holweide, which can give advise about the different rehabs on offer. I drop off the newly purchased magazines & candy in my friend’s room, as she is with the baby, pick up Leo from Kindergarten and drop him off at gymnastics, have coffee with Lea and look forward to a quiet evening. Whooooo, I am so happy!!

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Tumor there – tumor gone!

8 January 2018

Friends & food all day – I am so happy!

After dropping off Mia and laughing at physio (hand and knee are much better), I meet Hannah for a coffee, which turns into more coffees and lunch…. I love these dynamics and only have to leave, as I am meeting my friend Inga, who is on a Business trip in Cologne and free to spend the afternoon with me….more food and drinks 😉

Inga and I met when we were eighteen on a skiing trip and after graduation accidently in Paris queuing to enroll at Sorbonne and spent one fabulous year there. It’s these friendships – it does not matter how long we have not seen or spoken to each other, we just continue, where we left off.

Off to yoga now… I will just see whatever I can do with only one hand and knee, but I am desperate to finally go again! Ooooommm… I am ready for tomorrow’s doctor’s appointment without any anxiety.

7 January 2018

I love weekends and I equally don’t lately…. it is the constant stretch between what I want and what I can do that causes emotional turmoil.

Saturday I feel really well post chemo, get up early with Mia, make breakfast and sing with her – did I mention that my 1,5 year old is singing thousands of songs (having an older brother, this naturally includes the Fireman Sam and Bob the Builder theme songs 😉 and all Christmas and St. Martin tunes are still on top of her list). I love these moments and when everyone is up, we take it easy, the kids play, Carla joins them, I cook lunch, and the rest of Carla’s family joins us. Markus goes for a run with Leo, while I stay home with Mia, who sleeps. We meet Leo’s friends and families at the playground and spend the evening at the Chinese Light festival in the zoo with Carla’s family. Already at the playground, I feel tired – my hand and knee still hurt and it is not the easiest to ride my bike (I have never been one of these cool kids, who can ride a bike freehanded…). In the zoo I start freezing a bit. I love spending the day with the kids, but I am exhausted beyond believe, when we get home and fall into bed. Pfewwww…..

And now there is Sunday, I have a little cold and cannot get out of bed – thank god it is not my turn to get up early today, but normally I make an effort to always have breakfast with the kids… not today and this is where I have an issue. I need to rest, but I want to be with the kids and this is what makes it so hard, when they are here all day. It is 9.30 am, I have another coffee, put on some music and join the kids and Markus.

Maybe I can catch up with a few friends today, who I promised to call – I hardly call anyone nowadays and am rather reactive than proactive. I appreciate it though, when you call me, but don’t be upset, if don’t get back – I have never been good at it, but lately it is even worse 😉 I have lonely moments, but still….

There was no yoga and no running Mamas during the Christmas break and I am looking forward to Monday, when ’normal‘ life starts again. This will also help with my weight – yes, it really is an issue for me and I am dreading the anti hormone therapy, which I will have to discuss again with my doctor. The point is that my tumor is not triple negative ( quick explanation, as one comes across this term all the time, when talking about breast cancer: sometimes abbreviated TNBC – refers to any breast cancer that does not express the genes for estrogen receptor (ER), progesterone receptor (PR) or Her2/neu). My tumor is only very little hormone receptive though (ER <10%, PR 5%, HER2/neu negative) and I yet have to see the point why I should then undertake the therapy for five years. Well, that subject is well down the line and I will get the chemo out of the way first and then the operation and the radiation …. baby steps!

I cannot wait for Tuesday now, I want to plan a ski trip (even, if I can only do one ski run a day, I want Leo to start skiing and I want mountains and snow …the reality will probably be a trip to my parents in Sauerland ;)) and I want to book a flight to do yoga in warm weather…. I need something to look forward to!

In the meantime, my hair has grown so much, that I decided to nourish and nurse it – I will not give up on you!! I might even be able to sport a comb over soon 😉 Scrolling through photos all afternoon due to a sudden lack of energy to do anything, I finally find the proof that I look better without hair – love my hair in this picture though, but it never really looked this way without styling – too many curls….

Maja saves me today by forcing me to leave the house now – off I go to join the kids and Markus at the playground and to meet Maja! Thanks, my dear ❤

IMG_1881 This was an interview without words – don’t remember the question though ;)

5 January 2018

Long live Cortisone – despite a dreadful night with Mia being awake next to me from 2 til 4 and me slipping on the wooden floor in the morning, when dashing over to Leo and bruising my wrist and knee, I feel great and well recovered from chemo. I do the Kindergarten run, sort out my taxi rides to chemo, off to the ‚village‘ and Cortisone is giving me rosy cheeks. Hair is also still there 😉 Whoohooo!

Today I want to mention the importance Instagram has suddenly gained in my life. I had an account, but never used it and was told that I should post my blog entries on Insta, which I have been doing for a while now. I have now connected with so many fellow cancer patients and it has a certain dynamics I do not want to miss any longer… we are all in different stages, one girl has been diagnosed the same week as me and she posts the funniest videos, we share the good and the bad, chat, but most of all, we can truly understand each other, as we are all experiencing the same thing ❤️ Thank you #Instafriends – I am glad I stumbled into this world!

I nap at lunchtime and when I wake up, I am suddenly really sad again – and exhausted. This afternoon I take the kids to Michael and Tina’s to take the ornaments off their Christmas tree Dorothea. It is one of Michael’s annual celebrations with Christmas leftover drinks, food & cookies, which I really enjoy – as any of his events. Markus joins us on the way and he and the kids are staying for pizza, but I have to leave early, as my friend and colleague Niko is taking me to Gloria – one of my favorite event locations – for a Wladimir Kaminer reading – the guy is really funny …. just the right remedy!

4 January 2018

Full moon – yeah baby…. I am often in a funny mood, when it is full moon and do not sleep well – went to bed late, get up early. Today is chemo (No 11), I feel I am coming down with something and I am very emotional right now anyway….. great start! When I call the taxi company, they tell me my prescription has expired. Deep breath…. pfeewww 😉  I arrive late, but Fassbender, Theis & Co are all chilled, as usual. The atmosphere has something calm about it and I appreciate it a lot! In a way I always look forward to my chemos nowadays.

Onboard the cruise ships, we all were in our little bubbles, away from the real world and we wore our masks, when we needed to function – trouble with work? Mask on – Captain’s cocktail party here I come! Bad news from your family at home? Mask on – guests are waiting at my officer’s table to be hosted. I have always been authentic, but I learned to do smalltalk about almost anything (always avoid religion and politics, just like in any other job). But with my close friends, I do not have to wear a mask. After nine years at sea – it is sometimes hard to completely loose it and a mask is also a wonderful way to protect yourself and makes life a lot easier!

When I show the real me, I try to love unconditionally and give without the expectation of getting something in return. I forgive and try to see things from a different perspective to understand – with limits. I am honest and need honesty in return and my close friends know that – they tell me the truth, hold a mirror in front of me or tell me, if I am wrong. They tell me, if they have problems and do not try to protect me from something. If you are close to someone with cancer, don’t try to put them in cotton wool (at least this is the way it works for me).

A friend of mine did not tell me for months that he was unemployed not to bother me with his issues. This is the wrong approach and when I found out, I told him and we sorted it out  – I want to participate in everyday life, as mine is currently upside down and anything but normal. Share your life, with all ups and downs, as I need to talk about normal things, when I want to talk – it makes me feel alive!

Another thing was a comment a friend made, when I said that I was upset, because I gained weight: „In your situation this certainly does not matter…“ – wrong – I am my normal self, it is not my top priority, but I need to feel comfortable in my body, as weight has always been an issue for me. I continue to look after myself and still worry what to wear sometimes. I am happy to talk about the cancer, but it is not everything – it influences my life a lot, but I am still a normal person (at least that is what I think with the chemo brain mess and all that ;)).

Having a chemo brain, being the most fragile I have ever been, I can easily get hurt – I want to embrace vulnerability though, as it makes me feel alive. I don’t cry a lot, but I cried last night and today I suddenly worry about cancer. I never did really, maybe other things distracted me – even if in a negative way – quite nicely from the anxiety cancer can bring along. I am anxious to what the ultrasound will tell me on the 9th. It is only 5 days, thank god for that, but as I was disappointed with the last result, I worry that this chemo cycle maybe did not do it’s job properly… It will probably all be fine, but I still worry.

Claudia and I chat a lot and I eat some of her chocolate (I purposely did not bring chocolate today ;), but hey, it’s ok). Chemo nurse Fassbender admires my hairgrowth, but says it will all go again …. whhhaaaa… but maybe my new mini lashes will hang in there just for this little bit longer 😉

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3 January 2018

„No time for assholes – follow your heart!“ is the book, the girls gave me as a chemo gift for tomorrow….

I had breakfast with the girls and the rest of the day with Jutta, who I worked with onboard the QE2. I am tired today and therefore thin skinned, but enjoy the day despite the constant rain.

Weather forecast for tomorrow: raining cats and dogs all day – perfect chemo weather!

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Twins with Hannah!

2 January 2018

„Make a wish with each lash you loose“… ahhh, why didn’t I think of that earlier… now Frau Dietrich tells me, as I am about to loose my five last lashes … well, five wishes is a lot 😉

I am full of energy, do the kindergarten run, do a beautician appointment to take care of my chemo beaten skin, do a massive amount of grocery shopping and am once again amazed what my bike can carry, cook dinner, do paperwork, tidy up, make long phone calls, pick up Leo, take the xmas decoration off the tree with the kids – less glass ornaments to care about now and almost no needles left to worry about, invite Carla for a playdate and I am about to head out for a girls night. I am enjoying this until the next chemo and no worries, I still chill in between….

Kim’s story is still on my mind all day and has caused a wave of shocked posts on Instagram – it is the fact that despite being all positive, cancer can always win and makes everyone feel vulnerable, even if we do not like to admit it.

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See the regrowth!!!