Procrastination – that is me…. however, having the to do to pack, I do a lot instead and am awefully proud of what I have achieved.

I bake my first ever zucchini brownies – not by her receipe, but inspired by Yavi ❤️

I make endless calls to get the confirmation that the pension fund will be paying for our household aids, while I am in rehab.

I organise a follow up dentist scan outside Cologne (where I have to be tomorrow morning).

I pack two large parcels for the „Platz schaffen mit Herz“ campaign, which is amazing. Otto are running several campaigns and this is one of them. You send all your old clothes, shoes, hats, any garments you no longer need including anything no longer fit to be reused and they sort it out, check what can be used and give the rest to be recycled into cushion fillings, cleaning rags or whatever. How cool is that?!? Whatever they ‚make‘ is donated to a charity and here is the wonderful part – you can choose from a list which charity you want to support. Naturally, I will support Andrea’s „Heldencamper„. Check it out!

Otherwise, Cologne is unexpectedly turned overnight in a proper Winter Wonderland and I am loving it! I am getting ready and try to pick up the kids with the sledge today. Oh, what a dream!

Have I packed? Not really 😉

Today I hate cancer even more than normally, as it took little Jana away from her family. That’s not fair! Jana was about to turn 13 and was looking for stem cell donors.

Please make sure you register with DKMS – it only takes a few minutes – and/or donate blood, if you can, as Jana and other patients constantly need blood. I no longer can do either, so please take my place!

Today I am at the dentist! Before starting my bisphosphonat therapy, it is important that there are no infections anywhere in my jawbone. Despite having had the ok to go ahead with the therapy, I insist on a further check, as there is one area that could be infected. Why?!? Because in the worst case scenario – it is a low risk, but I rather don’t take a chance – I could face a osteonecrosis of my jaw, which means that I could loose part of or my entire jaw bone…. ahhh 😳

Cancer fatigue status update – my alternative practitioner visit helped and I did sports today with my running mamas and eat a lot of warm soup!

Fatigue – I am tired of you!! I am already exhausted from waking unpin the morning!

I see my alternative practitioner today – Sabine Kakizaki – she says that anxiety frees my last energy reserves and is on a mission. Foot reflexology, burning moxa stick and acupuncture for my kidneys, liver, bones and energy … I have never had a moxa treatment, but it is a fuming stick, held close to your skin, as bit like incense. My body is extremely cold though and she recommends hot beverages and hot food, like stews and bouillon! I make it to Café Rotkehlchen and have done vegan lentil soup! Oh bliss!

I feel that I need to look after myself a bit more, decide not to meet my friends for coffee or tea, but go home and rest. I don’t even have the energy to socialize 😳 now, that is shocking! But the good thing is that I already feel better by the afternoon!

The sun is shining and I am soaking it in. I am quiet and calm, happier and more awake and I will continue to only socialize with my kids until Friday, when I will attend a cancer blogger dinner in preparation to our Janssen Cancer Blogger Workshop 2.0 on Saturday.

And guess what?!?? Claudia from Glam up your Lifestyle ran a price draw and I am the lucky winner of a FitBit Alta!! Whooop whooop – being on my active life!

I am soooo tired, my eyes are burning, but as Astrid Lindgren says: Don’t let them get you down, be silly, wild and wonderful!

The fatigue is making every move difficult, but Mia is the first day in Kindergarten…. hallelujah! Our household aid is sick, but so is my psychologist, which means no appointments and apart from a few calls and emails, I rest all day to face the hours with my kids.

Yes, I am exhausted, but we bake a gingerbread house! That is what they wanted and since I believe that seasonality only makes sense with fruits and veggies, I eat Christmas cookies in September, ice cream in December and yes, we build gingerbread houses in January! Life is too short not to do it!

Dance in the rain, sing, as if nobody is watching, eat in bed and don’t care what you should or shouldn’t do!

I stay in bed most of the day…. I went out last night to see a my friend Christina for a lovely chat and though I had said no to any social engagements lately, I needed it so much. Yes, I need social contacts, but at what price?!?

Maybe it wasn’t the fact that I went out, but rather an accumulation of the last four weeks with a sick child….I have no energy to spend time with my kids and I don’t have the nerve today. Yes, most people would probably tell me to cherish every single moment with them, but I can’t…. Mia throws a tantrum this morning and I just want to run away and cry…. my tolerance for crying kids is close to zero. I wish I could, but I can’t, feel horrible, but that is the way it is.

Over the past year, my bad mum feelings got better, but I simply cannot live up to my expectations as a Mum or just towards myself…. My strategy is to rather spend intense moments with them, where I am really present than being just physically there.

I will be in bed with the kids tonight, like every night, snuggle up with them, will tell them a good night story and listen to their thoughts and stories. I hold them tight, hear them bubbling away before their breaths slow down, feel their little arms around my neck and smell their hair. I love them more than anything, but without my energy this is all I can do.

It is good to say no, to set boundaries, but I often say no because I lack the energy. I am doing ok in all areas of my life right now, just manage somehow to juggle the pieces, but I look forward to not only staying on a straight course, but to loop a loop now and then, march to a different drum and let my hair down! Rehab won’t do miracles, but I am already happy with any improvements. I’ll have one portion of strong, fit and health please – with sprinkles on top 😉

The entire week my mind circled around a fellow Instagram cancer patient, 21, diagnosis terminal.

On Sunday, I was told by fellow cancer bloggers that she is mentally ill and invented her cancer.

Now, generally, I don’t like talking behind someone’s back and believe that anyone is innocent until it is proven otherwise. An accusation like this isn’t easily voiced, as you don’t want to confront someone, who is terminal ill with allegations like that.

Friends have been accused of not being ‚really‘ ill due to the ignorance of some people, who do not think that someone is really ill unless they look it, who think that cancer means you always loose your hair, etc….these things happen and it is something no cancer patient needs, as we have other issues to deal with.

My mind was occupied all week with this story, as I was in contact with her and felt sorry, admiring her strength to still help others, while being terminal ill. I believe in the good in anyone and thought that maybe the screenshots quoting her confessions were sent from a fake account. She denied it all, but started to act strangely.

Apparently she already pretended a while ago that she was terminally ill, even talking about going to a hospice…. and then she admitted it and disappeared.

The sick part is that she not only received presents, created a bucket list and had her wishes fulfilled, she tricked her way into our lives, pretended to be one of us and played with our time and feelings.

A charity that fulfilled her wishes is now filing legal charges in order not to ruin their reputation. Charities have a hard life anyway and it is unfair to take the mick out of their wonderful work and celebrities, who support them.

If she had been innocent, she could have easily proven it and it would not have gone this far, which is the point, where I am closing this chapter. She has now admitted it.

She played games with something you don’t joke about and now that it is for sure that this was all fake, a big lie and a scam, I can rest my mind again. It upsets me, makes me angry, but at the same time I do not understand what can trigger someone to do something like this.

I am not judging, I distance myself from this story and I will not comment on it, as apparently she has psychological issues, is seeking professional help and hopefully someone can help her! I don’t know how mental illnesses work, what they do to someone and how much was done intentionally, but it is a very sad story for all involved!

I am sitting with Mia in the children’s hospital waiting for an x-ray…. I am annoyed having had to travel to the other end of town, try to get a doctor’s appointment to discuss her restricted mobility…. and then I see the parents with the newborn, who look so worried and the dark circles under their eyes, the mother with her daughter, who is hooked to an infusion stand. The children oncology is in the same building and I am grateful!

The only worry is that things won’t be back to normal, when I start my rehab on the 6th….

The fracture is healing as planned, but I want to see surgeon to see, if she should have physio therapy or at least to get a perspective. Waiting waiting waiting – but for a change it is not for me….

Peace – that is what I need.

• Peace and quietness (I am tired)

• Peace of mind (I should meditate again – my mind is spinning around)

• Peaceful interactions (I just don’t want any argument – with no one)

• World peace (just that – no ambitions to compete in any beauty pageants 😉)

Today everyone seems so agitated – I had enough phone calls, enough bureaucracy and enough paperwork, when yet another letter arrives from the pension fund concerning copies of all my degrees…. give me a break. I had a nice lunch with Maja and try to ignore it for a while 🙏

Mia stays for lunch in kindergarten, but I had planned to use the hour to get ready… nop … I am staying for lunch too 🙄 Tomorrow I will send my Mum to accompany her. I might as well benefit from here being here before she departs tomorrow 😉

I have my – what I think is the – final onchology appointment at pioh and I am happy with it! What I do about hormones, he wants to know?!? Nothing! And that is ok. My tumor was post chemo triple negative (TN), which means non hormone receptive, and therefore it does not make sense to me and the very little chance to prevent a reoccurrence, as it was minimal hormone receptive beforehand, is in my eyes disproportionate to the amount of side effects and the decreased quality of life I would be facing for the next ten years.

Everyone is different and some people do anything, even if there is only a hint of a chance to prevent a reoccurrence and that is ok, but I decided against it.

The tumor conference is now recommending a anti resorptive therapy. First I am thinking „another therapy?!?!“, but it is not as dramatic as it sounds. Bisphosphonate will be given for the duration of three years, either as an infusion of Zometa or an injection of Denosumap every six month. The aim is to increase my bone density to make it harder for bone metas to get in there and a cool side effect is that it will probably help with my osteopenia – yeah! I am all up for it!

I go straight away to the dentist to get my ok, as it can effect my jaw bone and the oncologist will not start unless he gets a letter from my dentist with the go ahead.

The therapy will start post rehab. I am just waiting for my blood results, which should be available early next week and then I know, if I might have to increase my vitamin D, but this is the way forward now concerning follow up care:

• mammogram once a year

• gynaecologist every three months

• injections/ transfusion and blood control every six months

• ultrasound of the breast every six month

Next stop rehab!

Tea – yes – tea – it is not unusual for me to drink tea, but it is unbelievable that just the thought of coffee makes me sick – that happened last time during the first days after my EC chemos 🤦‍♀️ ….but I enjoy my tea and am actually contemplating whether to go coffee free for a while!

Today is my last lymphdrainage before rehab and that means: no more music therapy, no more physio therapy and no more lymphdrainage before rehab and extra time to organise everything and look after myself.

There are household aid invoice disaster, as they changed their admin, rehab paperwork to get my household aid, I need to organise for Markus and the kids to visit me… but one step after the other!

Tomorrow I plan for Mia to have lunch in kindergarten…. she can crawl now…. whoohooo – I am do frustrated and sincerely hope she is fit, when I leave for rehab….

In our borrow, most of the shops close around lunch time and despite the fact that I often laugh about it, today I join in and have some food and tea with the local crowd at Rosensalz café. I like my new pace – slow and mindful!