I am soooo tired, my eyes are burning, but as Astrid Lindgren says: Don’t let them get you down, be silly, wild and wonderful!

The fatigue is making every move difficult, but Mia is the first day in Kindergarten…. hallelujah! Our household aid is sick, but so is my psychologist, which means no appointments and apart from a few calls and emails, I rest all day to face the hours with my kids.

Yes, I am exhausted, but we bake a gingerbread house! That is what they wanted and since I believe that seasonality only makes sense with fruits and veggies, I eat Christmas cookies in September, ice cream in December and yes, we build gingerbread houses in January! Life is too short not to do it!

Dance in the rain, sing, as if nobody is watching, eat in bed and don’t care what you should or shouldn’t do!

I stay in bed most of the day…. I went out last night to see a my friend Christina for a lovely chat and though I had said no to any social engagements lately, I needed it so much. Yes, I need social contacts, but at what price?!?

Maybe it wasn’t the fact that I went out, but rather an accumulation of the last four weeks with a sick child….I have no energy to spend time with my kids and I don’t have the nerve today. Yes, most people would probably tell me to cherish every single moment with them, but I can’t…. Mia throws a tantrum this morning and I just want to run away and cry…. my tolerance for crying kids is close to zero. I wish I could, but I can’t, feel horrible, but that is the way it is.

Over the past year, my bad mum feelings got better, but I simply cannot live up to my expectations as a Mum or just towards myself…. My strategy is to rather spend intense moments with them, where I am really present than being just physically there.

I will be in bed with the kids tonight, like every night, snuggle up with them, will tell them a good night story and listen to their thoughts and stories. I hold them tight, hear them bubbling away before their breaths slow down, feel their little arms around my neck and smell their hair. I love them more than anything, but without my energy this is all I can do.

It is good to say no, to set boundaries, but I often say no because I lack the energy. I am doing ok in all areas of my life right now, just manage somehow to juggle the pieces, but I look forward to not only staying on a straight course, but to loop a loop now and then, march to a different drum and let my hair down! Rehab won’t do miracles, but I am already happy with any improvements. I’ll have one portion of strong, fit and health please – with sprinkles on top 😉

The entire week my mind circled around a fellow Instagram cancer patient, 21, diagnosis terminal.

On Sunday, I was told by fellow cancer bloggers that she is mentally ill and invented her cancer.

Now, generally, I don’t like talking behind someone’s back and believe that anyone is innocent until it is proven otherwise. An accusation like this isn’t easily voiced, as you don’t want to confront someone, who is terminal ill with allegations like that.

Friends have been accused of not being ‚really‘ ill due to the ignorance of some people, who do not think that someone is really ill unless they look it, who think that cancer means you always loose your hair, etc….these things happen and it is something no cancer patient needs, as we have other issues to deal with.

My mind was occupied all week with this story, as I was in contact with her and felt sorry, admiring her strength to still help others, while being terminal ill. I believe in the good in anyone and thought that maybe the screenshots quoting her confessions were sent from a fake account. She denied it all, but started to act strangely.

Apparently she already pretended a while ago that she was terminally ill, even talking about going to a hospice…. and then she admitted it and disappeared.

The sick part is that she not only received presents, created a bucket list and had her wishes fulfilled, she tricked her way into our lives, pretended to be one of us and played with our time and feelings.

A charity that fulfilled her wishes is now filing legal charges in order not to ruin their reputation. Charities have a hard life anyway and it is unfair to take the mick out of their wonderful work and celebrities, who support them.

If she had been innocent, she could have easily proven it and it would not have gone this far, which is the point, where I am closing this chapter. She has now admitted it.

She played games with something you don’t joke about and now that it is for sure that this was all fake, a big lie and a scam, I can rest my mind again. It upsets me, makes me angry, but at the same time I do not understand what can trigger someone to do something like this.

I am not judging, I distance myself from this story and I will not comment on it, as apparently she has psychological issues, is seeking professional help and hopefully someone can help her! I don’t know how mental illnesses work, what they do to someone and how much was done intentionally, but it is a very sad story for all involved!

I am sitting with Mia in the children’s hospital waiting for an x-ray…. I am annoyed having had to travel to the other end of town, try to get a doctor’s appointment to discuss her restricted mobility…. and then I see the parents with the newborn, who look so worried and the dark circles under their eyes, the mother with her daughter, who is hooked to an infusion stand. The children oncology is in the same building and I am grateful!

The only worry is that things won’t be back to normal, when I start my rehab on the 6th….

The fracture is healing as planned, but I want to see surgeon to see, if she should have physio therapy or at least to get a perspective. Waiting waiting waiting – but for a change it is not for me….

Peace – that is what I need.

• Peace and quietness (I am tired)

• Peace of mind (I should meditate again – my mind is spinning around)

• Peaceful interactions (I just don’t want any argument – with no one)

• World peace (just that – no ambitions to compete in any beauty pageants 😉)

Today everyone seems so agitated – I had enough phone calls, enough bureaucracy and enough paperwork, when yet another letter arrives from the pension fund concerning copies of all my degrees…. give me a break. I had a nice lunch with Maja and try to ignore it for a while 🙏

Mia stays for lunch in kindergarten, but I had planned to use the hour to get ready… nop … I am staying for lunch too 🙄 Tomorrow I will send my Mum to accompany her. I might as well benefit from here being here before she departs tomorrow 😉

I have my – what I think is the – final onchology appointment at pioh and I am happy with it! What I do about hormones, he wants to know?!? Nothing! And that is ok. My tumor was post chemo triple negative (TN), which means non hormone receptive, and therefore it does not make sense to me and the very little chance to prevent a reoccurrence, as it was minimal hormone receptive beforehand, is in my eyes disproportionate to the amount of side effects and the decreased quality of life I would be facing for the next ten years.

Everyone is different and some people do anything, even if there is only a hint of a chance to prevent a reoccurrence and that is ok, but I decided against it.

The tumor conference is now recommending a anti resorptive therapy. First I am thinking „another therapy?!?!“, but it is not as dramatic as it sounds. Bisphosphonate will be given for the duration of three years, either as an infusion of Zometa or an injection of Denosumap every six month. The aim is to increase my bone density to make it harder for bone metas to get in there and a cool side effect is that it will probably help with my osteopenia – yeah! I am all up for it!

I go straight away to the dentist to get my ok, as it can effect my jaw bone and the oncologist will not start unless he gets a letter from my dentist with the go ahead.

The therapy will start post rehab. I am just waiting for my blood results, which should be available early next week and then I know, if I might have to increase my vitamin D, but this is the way forward now concerning follow up care:

• mammogram once a year

• gynaecologist every three months

• injections/ transfusion and blood control every six months

• ultrasound of the breast every six month

Next stop rehab!

Tea – yes – tea – it is not unusual for me to drink tea, but it is unbelievable that just the thought of coffee makes me sick – that happened last time during the first days after my EC chemos 🤦‍♀️ ….but I enjoy my tea and am actually contemplating whether to go coffee free for a while!

Today is my last lymphdrainage before rehab and that means: no more music therapy, no more physio therapy and no more lymphdrainage before rehab and extra time to organise everything and look after myself.

There are household aid invoice disaster, as they changed their admin, rehab paperwork to get my household aid, I need to organise for Markus and the kids to visit me… but one step after the other!

Tomorrow I plan for Mia to have lunch in kindergarten…. she can crawl now…. whoohooo – I am do frustrated and sincerely hope she is fit, when I leave for rehab….

In our borrow, most of the shops close around lunch time and despite the fact that I often laugh about it, today I join in and have some food and tea with the local crowd at Rosensalz café. I like my new pace – slow and mindful!

Old?!? Yes, I am 45 and I could easily be the mother to a 25 year old, but do I feel old?!? No! And really?!? 45 is not old…. older than 25 and 35, but far away from old….

Mädelsabende’s theme this week has triggered my thoughts though!

There were definitely a lot of moments in my life, when I feel old, especially during therapy, when your bones are stiff and you can hardly get out of bed or off the couch, walking like the hunchback of Notre Dame to my children’s room…. but overall…no!

When do I feel old? When I talk about a movie and the others only know the remake, when I try to explain to my kids that we had no internet or computers and when I see this morning a phone with a dial plate in music therapy room and actually know how to use it! Do you?!

The air is crispy and the sun beautiful and my mood lifts with every breath I take! I manage the morning ticking off my cancer itinerary with physio, music therapy and psycho therapist – ok, having had a cold and not eaten for almost four days, make me weak and almost faint in the tube, but I feel so much better, happily sing among in music therapy, cry during therapy and truly enjoy a corean food bowl before heading home!

Markus is sick now and just wants to sleep, Mia and Mum are at the Zoo and I will sleep before our household aid arrives! Have a good start into your week!

My cold is a bit better and I make an effort….

I try to bake a cake with the kids – had promised to do it for days and feel guilty – and feel that my energy drains and the bottom of the baking pan falls off – the springform literally springs – and the dough is all over the place…… just what I need 😉 I almost faint and go back to bed!

In the afternoon I finish the insurance paperwork though!!! Hurray! It isn’t complete, but the best I can do!

Baby steps! My mum is here now and so am back in bed and hopefully fit by tomorrow!

I forget the easiest things, am overstrained looking after my kids, exhausted and tired and yes, I could just stay at home apart from doctor appointments, but I would probably get depressed…. I try though, make an effort, take Mia along to physio without a shower and a child that resembles a dandelion clock. I really try, but already before lunchtime I let her watch tv, try to rest, my body hurts and I feel useless and the need to be alone.

Our household aid arrives in the early afternoon and I rest for thirty minutes, am shivering and steaming hot at the same time, but I need to pick up Leo… each step is suddenly a burden, my throat is sore and once we are at home, I collapse into bed and thank heavens for our household aid!

Mia moves her leg today 3 cm while sitting – I know it is a big trauma, but I wish I could send her to kindergarten…. Today, Leo has a play date today and I am taking Mia along to lymph drainage…..how shall I ever handle our normal life and working?!?! Markus is taking Mia along to the hairdressers now and I rest! I am so much better than last night, but it frustrates me tremendously … it might just be a flu, but my head is spinning!

I know I need time and I will take whatever time I need. And yes, I am longing for rehab to make me fit again!!

Guess having done sports for the first time since month can take some of the credit for my muscle aches 😉