Help! This is a difficult one! How can one help? What is right? What is wrong? What is a no go?!?

I wish there was that one answer that would always work, but there isn’t. What helps one day, does not work the next – at least for me! And what helps me, might not help someone else!

I don’t need pity and despite all good intentions of „let me know, if I can help“, I have difficulties to phrase it sometimes… sometimes I need to talk, sometimes I don’t… I know that a lot of people feel helpless, are afraid to say the wrong things, but there is no real wrong…. often saying something wrong is better than nothing, but nothing is better than „why do you have cancer“ or nonsense…. see, it depends!

What did help so far was ….

1) to put all my potential helpers in a What’s App group for any emergencies! This means for me that I say it once that I need something and the group can see, if anyone is available…..

2) actions – people who offer something specific e.g. Nina and Luisa’s „we will pick up your kids next Thursday, when you have chemo and have a play date at our house“ thank you! Bringing some food over – like my neighbour Gracie does today… her Indian cuisine is to die for and new dad of two, Heinzi and Markus equally love it… hmm….

3) normal things – ask me, if I want to go out, join in, whatever…. I say no, if I don’t feel like it…. even if I don’t show much initiative, I appreciate it…. yes, I am a bit more reactive lately than proactive

4) call me – I will simply not pick up the phone, if I have no time or don’t feel like it, write cards, letters, etc…. I appreciate every single one…. needless to say that my little chemo sisters girls club supported me with words and presents prior to every single chemo along with so many other presents that I feel truly blessed

5) don’t bother me…. share your normal problems, but I don’t need cancer worries – if you can’t deal with it, please talk to someone else – I need my positive energy for myself and my kids and only have limited extra resources…. I do, I can carry you along, but only to a certain extend

6) if I say no, don’t question it – normally I am already beyond ok, when I say that I am not well…. yes, I have hair, but I don’t have my strength or energy back yet, as I am still in chemo….

7) don’t challenge me mentally …. I am not a good decision maker, but right now, I always try to find simple and quick solutions for everything…. I often just cannot be bothered with complicated stuff (which might seem so easy to you – it’s a burden for me)

8) stop moaning about nonsense….. I like a good moan, don’t get me wrong, but only in little portions 😉 whinge away

9) make a joke – I am still myself, still like to laugh and any humour is ok – including cancer jokes …. my brother is good at it!

10) it is called cancer…. name it …. it is not ‚it‘, the situation, etc…. it is cancer!

And as I write this – my little Mia is sleeping in Kindergarten…. and I will go there now for her to see me, when she wakes up ❤️

The song „sleeping beauty was a pretty child“ is in my head as Mia rephrased it to „poo-poo was a pretty word“…. oh well! I shouldn’t, but I love it!

Today is my day off after bringing the kids to kindergarten and I sleep, but feel that there is no improvement…. we could not get extra household aid hours from our provider, while Markus is on sick leave and though I feel strong enough and happy to get the kids ready in the morning, have breakfast with them and drop them off, this is as far as my energy lasts today. I go pick up the kids at 1:00 and my heart melts when they tell me how happy Mia is, how she sings all day and bubbles away….. so far, there was not a single tear and I am so proud of her.

I feel that she needs more of me for the rest of the day though and I have some lunch in the restaurant, while they get a small ice cream and a comic, as I am starving and feel I don’t want to go home straight away….and when we get home, Markus is there to play with the kids – he is on crutches, but fit – and our household aid arrives at the same time and is doing the rest. And I rest…. Mum stops by for a few hours on her way home from Munich, therefore I have a lot of support, but I feel sorry for the kids. They have another day at home – they are fine with it… it’s just me!

It is 30 degrees, I would have loved to go to the water playground, the public pool or the lake, but I have zero energy – feel sorry to lay in bed with the blinds closed, but…..maybe …. tomorrow, when kindergarten will try to let Mia stay until after nap time… fingers crossed! I will leave the bedroom, when there is more shadow on the terrace…. a bit later… but for now, I rest!

I feel weaker than in my worst chemo times, tired, so awfully tired and exhausted. It is cancer fatigue at it’s best and the restless night did not help… Leo had nightmares and in the early morning hours I finally carried him over to my bed. Reflecting on my cancer treatment so far….Yes, it has been a long journey and I am glad my body can rest today, even if my mind does not like it right now. My body has done a tremendous job so far and has been coping with two operations, 28 radiations, 16 chemos and is currently facing the second cycle of chemo pills…..I need to give it some rest and train my mind constantly to accept the fact that the body has trouble keeping up with my mind.

Next weekend is my trip with my brother Micky to Zugspitze…. he will be fishing in the Eibsee and I will be reading and it is the first weekend I am allowed to enjoy the sauna again – they have a wonderful wellness area and the lake is a dream – you swim and can look up to Zugspitze! This is what I look forward to… I climbed Zugspitze before, but this time, we will take the gondola 😉

I hear the kids laughing and dry my tears. By now there should be some shade and I will be with them and put my feet in the splash pool! Onwards and upwards! I am going to bed with the kids now ….

You realize how much you enjoy a day, an evening, forget the whole cancer thing, when you realize at 1:00am that you forgot to take your chemo pills 🤦‍♀️

I am sleeping at Anke’s, have a little snack and take my chemo pills 30 min later…. we have an early wake-up call, as Anke works for Lufthansa at Munich airport and can give me a lift to catch my Sunday morning early bird flight….. 😴😴😴

I love airports, I love flying and I am happy to fly back to Munich on Saturday, but now I am happy to see my kids!

DriveNow is a car sharing service with Mini Coopers cabriolets – I rent one from Cologne airport, turn the music on, the wind blows through my hair and I feel happy, free and alive, as I sing along…. that! Fun fact – my hair helmet does not move at all! Now there is an advantage!

Yes, I look healthy now, I seem to be strong, but I am still ill and my energy easily hits rock bottom, when I try to do all the things I want to do. Therefore, it does not come as a surprise that I am exhausted and I am now planning chill days, accept that this is the way it is right now….or at least try to accept it and we just spend the rest of the day at home. „Have a little rest, Mama“ is Mia’s suggestions before she gives me a big kiss and I sleep while the kids play in their room, before we are watching the worldcup finals now….at home! I am so sorry for Croatia!

What bothers me a bit is the fact that I seem to be loosing a lot of lashes lately… oh, please don’t!

Today I am on a secret mission and sleep is the key!! I sort all my stuff and am in bed by 1am, which I deeply regret as Mia cries at 5am and wants to join me…. thankfully she falls back asleep. Leo joins us just before 6am, snuggles, but is awake…. the minute he leaves to join Markus in the living room, I fall back sleep and Mia and I sleep until 9am…. bliss! I feel like nothing is too much….

Want an extract of my crazy life?!?! My neighbour Maggie joints me in the kitchen, as I am baking pancakes with the kids in our PJs, while speaking to my cousin Sylvie on the phone, while holding Mia…. Markus sorts out our builder and joins us and while I try to talk to all, Leo tilts the coffee machine and some coffee spills on his hand. I put Mia down, grap Leo and put his hand in cold water, the pancakes start burning, I ask Markus to take them off the stove and the smoke alarm goes off…. Maggie decides to leave, Leo’s hand is fine and I laugh my head off! My crazy crazy life …. and these are the moments I love most ❤️

My mission: my baby brother turned 40 July 3rd and tonight is a surprise party his wife organised. Markus‘ sister and brother-in-law help Markus with the kids and I am on the train to Munich …. my Mum is arriving at appr. the same time on a different train and my friend Anke is meeting us at the station. I will sleep at her’s tonight, as she lives next to the airport Munich and I have an early flight back in the morning…..

Did I mention that I looove surprises!?!? I cannot wait to see his face and call him this morning to coordinate next weekend, when I will go with him to Zugspitze for a fishing and wellness weekend – just the two of us…. And I am equally excited! „Have a nice weekend“…. little does he know that we will see each other in only a few hours already.

Mia and I drop off a few things at the postoffice and feel that my energy levels start dropping! Perfect timing to now sit on the train with my cousin Sylvie’s daughter – her grandfather is on his way from Salzburg to Munich right now to pick her up…. it all works like clockwork…. I love it when a plan works 😉

Will only post this when my brother arrives…. whooooo…. the excitement 🤗, but will try to relax now, have lunch and ice cream work, on the kid’s sticker book and look out of the window…. I love train journeys – optimistically packed loads of stuff to read 😉 Oups…. she might be sick now…. hmmm…. poor thing!

I have my chemo pills with me, but today there is no room for cancer … Happy Birthday, Micky! Love you ❤️

Emotional, great, funny – what an evening at Kim & Co …Anke and I are in a taxi now, exhausted, but happy and I am glad to spend some extra time with her now! Good night!

Stuff, it is just useless stuff, which stresses me today! Why? I use the time while the kids are in Kindergarten to tidy the flat, prepare the folders for kindergarten and go to lymphdrainage, but I am restless….I have to pick the kids up at 1pm nowadays and three hours can be very short.

I should bring our pram to Andrea, who is due on Monday, I should get the parcel with baby stuff & presents ready for Conny, I should get the maternity clothes ready for Markus‘ sister and the ’starter set‘, who will pick it up tomorrow – it is a pile of stuff in the bedroom, which needs sorting, should should should….but I say NO. As soon as the household aid is here and Markus back from the doctor – on crutches, but pain free and fit – I go upstairs and sleep…. it is a constant battle of balancing rattle and rest and I make more of an effort now. More NO, more rest and I enjoy the rest of the day with my kids!

The pain in my joints is apparently from a lack of rest – now that this is the third time I hear it this week, I am more determined to stop. I don’t always have much of a choice, but I have a choice… rest, relax, enjoy the day! I am late with a lot of things, but hey, I will get there!

Andrea’s husband will pick up the pram, I have both kids in bed early and will sort the stuff now and if it is too much, I will do it another day.

My cousin will pick me up tomorrow and I will have a day off, while Markus, his sister and his brother-in-law handle the kids! Hmmm….

Oh, my little girl… she waves me off and runs into the play kitchen in Kindergarten…. „I will be back after lunch! Do I get a kiss?“ Quick kiss and off I go to my alternative practitioner for reflexology and acupuncture, while I am clinging to my phone!

Frau Kakizaki gives me a mild look – I am apparently running on emergency power and shall take more time out…. next week, for sure! She looks at my tongue and feels my puls before and afterwards and apparently ‚it‘ flows better…. whatever it does, it calms me down and she hit apparently some ’super points‘, which shall give my body extra power to recover! I will try not to use it for useless tasks, but rather look forward to less pain in my joints…. even my fingers are really stiff now 😜 Apparently it shall also help with the heat, water retention…. we shall see!

Am picking up the kids and drive to Bonn to collect Markus from hospital. Mum is leaving tonight and I will be stuck with getting the kids ready, etc. but I am taking time off before she is leaving – right here, right now!

Tired, but happy….Mia was in kindergarten for breakfast and lunch and is super happy, while I went to my running mamas, have a coffee and run some errands, I pick up four kids on bikes from kindergarten and all goes well, I attend our home owner’s meeting and bring the kids to bed…..Holiday is booked, five days Mecklenburg Lake District between the Blogger4Charity event in Berlin and a party in the west 😉 and yes, I do too much, I know, but there is a light at end of the tunnel, as Mia is staying in Kindergarten now and hopefully there will be me time and rest time soon! My onchologist recommended resting and vitamin D (never would have thought that this was possible during summer 😂)…. will have to make time. And I want to just sit somewhere quietly with a book …. next week! Maybe 😉

Fundraiser – €592 …. whooohooo!!

Ok – am I ok?!? No, not really…. and yes, I am. I am not fit, but ok, I am not strong, but ok and it is ok that I am tired – I am still recovering from 28 radiation and 16 chemos, my breast looks horrible after two operations and I am facing another one and I am taking chemo pills…. I often say that it is ok, when I am really not and when I say that it is not ok, it is often too late….

I have always been this way… work hard, multi task, never ill, always finding a way and always being ok with everything. For now ok is good though 😉

I have an onchologist check-up today. My blood is ok, I am ok with my eight pills a day. I should take just a little less than five pills of 500mg morning and evening, but he wants to keep me on four for now, as he rather does all cycles on four pills than having to stop the chemo due to side effects…. we see how this one goes.

Nurse Fassbender chats to me about being ok – she says that now the hard time begins, as everyone thinks that all is fine again, as my hair is back and that they cannot understand that I am not fit. Tired?! Apparently that fatigue will stay for a while and I need to rest more, which I have no time to right now. Yes, she sums it up so nicely – I feel guilty and weak sometimes for not being up to speed and it hurts me, when people give me a puzzled look, when I say that I am not ok, but I am ok with it!

Tomorrow is day four in Mia’s Kindergarten and I will go to LaufMamaLauf and maybe have the chance for some me time, as I went to Bonn today to visit Markus and am exhausted now! It will be ok to have an early night!

Music therapy is extremely emotional today… we loosen the vocal cords, the face muscles, the tongue, the body and sing different songs. I am tired, but feel good and suddenly, with the next song, it all comes out. The melody triggers my emotions and tears are running down my cheeks – I cannot stop weeping and humming the melody at the end does not help….

🎵🎶Been travelling a day

been travelling a year

been travelling a lifetime

to find my way home  2x

Home is where the heart is

Home is where the heart is

Home is where the heart is

My heart is with you 🎶🎵

Home….what is home….I have travelled the world, called the ships and boats my home, but home isn’t a place, home is the smell of my grandfather’s hair, the sound of the pigeons outside their house (which I thought for ages were nightingales …. the idea was by far more romantic 😂), it is a little cave, I build as a child, it’s holding a child in each arm, as they snuggle up to me, while I am reading, it is the cosiness of my room in Adelaide Road and the feeling being held by Nick, who I was dating, endless nights chatting, drinking, eating and smoking in our living room, a phone call with Inga, Anne, Anke, Tessa, Conny, taking off in an airplane and seeing the clouds from above, a coffee with Hannah, Simone or Maja, a joke my brother makes, woodruff water ice sticks and candy I shared with Lars, my Mum’s hand on my cheek, a book, a movie, a song or singing the karaoke buttercup song with MiniMe on the QE2, coffee in that little diner in New York, skiing through deep snow, swimming in Mondsee or any lake and many many moments, but what it comes down to is being happy with myself, accepting myself the way I am, being in the moment and the here and now!

🎶 Home is where my heart is and my heart is with me 🎵, is the alternative ending and this is the right one! Love life, love the moment, love yourself ❤️

€522 for my fundraiser for DKMS LIFE …. whooohooo! Ok, €100 are my match, but this is amazing! Thank you!

Today I test my nerves and almost have an epic fail, but only almost…. I try sewing a kindergarten folder cover for Mia in between fleamarket and swimming and learn that I am not fit, as a) I almost throw the machine out of the window as it plays tricks on me (ok, that happened beforehand cancer as well) and b) I cannot figure out in my head which side I have to sew together…. I use trial and error and thank goodness it works…. but I am done for the day – mentally – and it is really messy! Normally I might have cared, but I don’t – it is handmade, by myself and for my daughter ❤️ From far away it looks great and it is almost midnight and I need to sleep now!

Point number two…. I like to raise awareness and donations for cancer projects, charities and cancer itself…. I do not see what a difference it makes that I am a patient…. on the contrary – I know best what it is like! Cancer is still a taboo, but I like to talk about it and hope that I can support cancer patients, encourage and make a difference! That’s it 😉