I am sitting at the airport in the wee hours of the morning, being tired and listening to the introduction of the Untire app…. is it cancer fatigue?!? Surely not always… I had less the five hours of sleep ahead of me by the time I went to bed last night and the kids wake me twice during this time…. hmmm…. but I am here now, ready for a chilled weekend with my brother. There are several stag dues… is it that or do these guys simply love to dress up in the same outfit and start the day with loads of beer?!? Who cares…. at least they are jolly. I am boarding with a group dressed up as a soccer team including the goalie Oliver Kahn…. yeah!

The Germans have the reputation of being stiff, sour, serious, etc. and yes, a lot of them can be…. but there are people in here and it seems a lot of them are in Cologne, who enjoy life and don’t take things too seriously … and yes, I am sitting right next to them in the plane and they sing Karneval songs from Cologne and at the end of the flight the entire plane is singing…. well, at least the people from Cologne, who know the words…. and that is why I chose Cologne, when I decided to live in Germany ❤️

It is raining cats and dogs as I leave the plane, but I am in a jolly mood…. it is ironic, as the entire month of July seems hot and sunny apart from these two days, who I spend with my brother at Eibsee lake 🤦‍♀️ the summer of the century decided to take a two day break …. whatever – more spa time!

Lucky lucky lucky….. the weather is ok, it just rains a little bit and Micky and I take a boat straight after arriving at Eibsee Hotel – the calm is amazing. Micky is fishing, but no reading for me…. I just enjoy the calm and peace. The water is flat and the clouds and trees and glimpses of Zugspitze reflect in the water while Micky is fly fishing, which is such a picture perfect way of fishing – I am in the middle of this Robert Redford and Brad Pitt movie! The time seems to stand still….we decide to hit the spa and the weather improves… I can swim in the lake and when Micky rows out onto the lake, I grab one of the Stand Up Paddling (SUP) boards and join him.

SUP – I tried it once …. days before my diagnosis. What a meditative way to move across the lake…. balancing, unwinding, concentration and slowing down…. we won’t have any fish for dinner, but luckily we are on hardboard 😉 enjoy your evening – I already feel like I have been here forever!

A beautifully normal day comes to an end… the kids are in kindergarten, I have coffee with Nadine, run some errands, rest and pick up the kids…. it is summer in the city, life is easy and beautiful and if I wasn’t tired, it could just be any nice normal day off….

Mum arrives for the weekend and I attend an blind-folded yoga class with Ina from Yogalicious at I’m possible yoga! I have a one month trial membership now and since Markus cannot do any sports for three month, I got the Thursday evening slot to do yin yoga there …. whohhooo…..

Doing yoga blind folded is a totally different experience and for some reason I completely loose orientation, as Ina turns me 90 degrees to face forward, which I thought I had been doing all along 😉… A great opportunity to forget everything and concentrate on breathing and yoga …. theoretically – surely my mind is still all over the place, but it calms me down….

At home I have evening madness with a wild screaming Mia – bless, she has a lot happening in her little life being in big kindergarten now and needs a lot of calming down and Mama cuddles and ages to fall asleep and I still have to pack – no procrastination this time…. I simply had no time – and I have to be at the airport at 6:30 for my flight to Munich 😴 Good night!

My energy level is at rock bottom – I am proud to have managed this week with Markus on crutches and short childcare hours, but I need this quiet time away now to recharge my batteries!

I can still do it…. I am still happy for other people and don’t begrudge someone their luck, their life and their happiness. Au contraire – it makes me happy to see their happiness!

Meeting my friend Andrea’s baby, who is not even a week old, let’s my heart melt…. yes, I will never be pregnant again, won’t have another child, will never nurse a baby again and yes, cancer decided that this is the way it is and it makes me sad, but you know what? There is nothing I can do about it – it is sad, but it’s ok. I am alive, I even have two wonderful children and I try to make the most of every day and life in general. I am happy for Andrea and Heinzi ❤️

Jealousy is not healthy and a waste of energy – if I would start the why me, why not me, why them, blablabla, it would not get me anywhere, but simply frustrate me…. I live a healthy lifestyle, but I have cancer…. I cannot say that I don’t do it at all though. Yes, I look at other people, at happy healthy people and a bit of looking around is ok. Sometimes it makes me sad, but it is mainly not the happy healthy people – despite the slight jealousy of a carefree life, but who truly has a carefree life?!? It’s the moaning people, who I don’t have the nerve to listen to – mainly about nothing or other people… then again, that’s a very German thing and I never liked it along with attacking strangers, telling them what they are doing wrong, only seeing the negative and being generally bitter…. and yes, I am sad and frustrated at times that I cannot do everything I want, but I try to minimize comparing, try to focus on the things I can actually do and maximize living. It is a balancing act, but I try my best to stay on track! Being tired and having aches & pains is an absolute ok price to pay right now – I just really hope it’s temporary – as I am lucky that my treatment almost killed my tumor, I am happy to be here and I appreciate it every single day!

Here is a special recommendation – aloe vera infused hydrating gloves & socks with some kind of silicone or gel layer inside! Doro sent them to me as a gift after their trip to the Canary Islands and now they come in handy, as one major side effect of chemo pills is dry hands and feet and if not moisturized well enough, they can get all red, sensitive and full of blisters….. thanks, Doro, I feel all prepped!

My friend Hera is in town, but the last minute breakfast date is too spontaneous, as I have already dropped the kids off at Kindergarten and am on my way to LaufMamaLauf – what a pity… she is leaving town shortly afterwards. I had saved my energy for my exercise programme today and it feels really good! I have a coffee with the girls, a quick lunch with Maja and after a little rest, I pick up my kids. Markus is fit enough to make it on crutches to the public pool and Steffi, our household aid, helps me to prepare everything and the kids and off we go! It is a beautiful afternoon and evening and I will now have a quiet evening after having just finished my second chemo cycle! The week will continue without any appointments and I love it and next week I am ready for all doctors, therapist & oncologists! Bring it on!

Help! This is a difficult one! How can one help? What is right? What is wrong? What is a no go?!?

I wish there was that one answer that would always work, but there isn’t. What helps one day, does not work the next – at least for me! And what helps me, might not help someone else!

I don’t need pity and despite all good intentions of „let me know, if I can help“, I have difficulties to phrase it sometimes… sometimes I need to talk, sometimes I don’t… I know that a lot of people feel helpless, are afraid to say the wrong things, but there is no real wrong…. often saying something wrong is better than nothing, but nothing is better than „why do you have cancer“ or nonsense…. see, it depends!

What did help so far was ….

1) to put all my potential helpers in a What’s App group for any emergencies! This means for me that I say it once that I need something and the group can see, if anyone is available…..

2) actions – people who offer something specific e.g. Nina and Luisa’s „we will pick up your kids next Thursday, when you have chemo and have a play date at our house“ thank you! Bringing some food over – like my neighbour Gracie does today… her Indian cuisine is to die for and new dad of two, Heinzi and Markus equally love it… hmm….

3) normal things – ask me, if I want to go out, join in, whatever…. I say no, if I don’t feel like it…. even if I don’t show much initiative, I appreciate it…. yes, I am a bit more reactive lately than proactive

4) call me – I will simply not pick up the phone, if I have no time or don’t feel like it, write cards, letters, etc…. I appreciate every single one…. needless to say that my little chemo sisters girls club supported me with words and presents prior to every single chemo along with so many other presents that I feel truly blessed

5) don’t bother me…. share your normal problems, but I don’t need cancer worries – if you can’t deal with it, please talk to someone else – I need my positive energy for myself and my kids and only have limited extra resources…. I do, I can carry you along, but only to a certain extend

6) if I say no, don’t question it – normally I am already beyond ok, when I say that I am not well…. yes, I have hair, but I don’t have my strength or energy back yet, as I am still in chemo….

7) don’t challenge me mentally …. I am not a good decision maker, but right now, I always try to find simple and quick solutions for everything…. I often just cannot be bothered with complicated stuff (which might seem so easy to you – it’s a burden for me)

8) stop moaning about nonsense….. I like a good moan, don’t get me wrong, but only in little portions 😉 whinge away

9) make a joke – I am still myself, still like to laugh and any humour is ok – including cancer jokes …. my brother is good at it!

10) it is called cancer…. name it …. it is not ‚it‘, the situation, etc…. it is cancer!

And as I write this – my little Mia is sleeping in Kindergarten…. and I will go there now for her to see me, when she wakes up ❤️

The song „sleeping beauty was a pretty child“ is in my head as Mia rephrased it to „poo-poo was a pretty word“…. oh well! I shouldn’t, but I love it!

Today is my day off after bringing the kids to kindergarten and I sleep, but feel that there is no improvement…. we could not get extra household aid hours from our provider, while Markus is on sick leave and though I feel strong enough and happy to get the kids ready in the morning, have breakfast with them and drop them off, this is as far as my energy lasts today. I go pick up the kids at 1:00 and my heart melts when they tell me how happy Mia is, how she sings all day and bubbles away….. so far, there was not a single tear and I am so proud of her.

I feel that she needs more of me for the rest of the day though and I have some lunch in the restaurant, while they get a small ice cream and a comic, as I am starving and feel I don’t want to go home straight away….and when we get home, Markus is there to play with the kids – he is on crutches, but fit – and our household aid arrives at the same time and is doing the rest. And I rest…. Mum stops by for a few hours on her way home from Munich, therefore I have a lot of support, but I feel sorry for the kids. They have another day at home – they are fine with it… it’s just me!

It is 30 degrees, I would have loved to go to the water playground, the public pool or the lake, but I have zero energy – feel sorry to lay in bed with the blinds closed, but…..maybe …. tomorrow, when kindergarten will try to let Mia stay until after nap time… fingers crossed! I will leave the bedroom, when there is more shadow on the terrace…. a bit later… but for now, I rest!

I feel weaker than in my worst chemo times, tired, so awfully tired and exhausted. It is cancer fatigue at it’s best and the restless night did not help… Leo had nightmares and in the early morning hours I finally carried him over to my bed. Reflecting on my cancer treatment so far….Yes, it has been a long journey and I am glad my body can rest today, even if my mind does not like it right now. My body has done a tremendous job so far and has been coping with two operations, 28 radiations, 16 chemos and is currently facing the second cycle of chemo pills…..I need to give it some rest and train my mind constantly to accept the fact that the body has trouble keeping up with my mind.

Next weekend is my trip with my brother Micky to Zugspitze…. he will be fishing in the Eibsee and I will be reading and it is the first weekend I am allowed to enjoy the sauna again – they have a wonderful wellness area and the lake is a dream – you swim and can look up to Zugspitze! This is what I look forward to… I climbed Zugspitze before, but this time, we will take the gondola 😉

I hear the kids laughing and dry my tears. By now there should be some shade and I will be with them and put my feet in the splash pool! Onwards and upwards! I am going to bed with the kids now ….

You realize how much you enjoy a day, an evening, forget the whole cancer thing, when you realize at 1:00am that you forgot to take your chemo pills 🤦‍♀️

I am sleeping at Anke’s, have a little snack and take my chemo pills 30 min later…. we have an early wake-up call, as Anke works for Lufthansa at Munich airport and can give me a lift to catch my Sunday morning early bird flight….. 😴😴😴

I love airports, I love flying and I am happy to fly back to Munich on Saturday, but now I am happy to see my kids!

DriveNow is a car sharing service with Mini Coopers cabriolets – I rent one from Cologne airport, turn the music on, the wind blows through my hair and I feel happy, free and alive, as I sing along…. that! Fun fact – my hair helmet does not move at all! Now there is an advantage!

Yes, I look healthy now, I seem to be strong, but I am still ill and my energy easily hits rock bottom, when I try to do all the things I want to do. Therefore, it does not come as a surprise that I am exhausted and I am now planning chill days, accept that this is the way it is right now….or at least try to accept it and we just spend the rest of the day at home. „Have a little rest, Mama“ is Mia’s suggestions before she gives me a big kiss and I sleep while the kids play in their room, before we are watching the worldcup finals now….at home! I am so sorry for Croatia!

What bothers me a bit is the fact that I seem to be loosing a lot of lashes lately… oh, please don’t!

Today I am on a secret mission and sleep is the key!! I sort all my stuff and am in bed by 1am, which I deeply regret as Mia cries at 5am and wants to join me…. thankfully she falls back asleep. Leo joins us just before 6am, snuggles, but is awake…. the minute he leaves to join Markus in the living room, I fall back sleep and Mia and I sleep until 9am…. bliss! I feel like nothing is too much….

Want an extract of my crazy life?!?! My neighbour Maggie joints me in the kitchen, as I am baking pancakes with the kids in our PJs, while speaking to my cousin Sylvie on the phone, while holding Mia…. Markus sorts out our builder and joins us and while I try to talk to all, Leo tilts the coffee machine and some coffee spills on his hand. I put Mia down, grap Leo and put his hand in cold water, the pancakes start burning, I ask Markus to take them off the stove and the smoke alarm goes off…. Maggie decides to leave, Leo’s hand is fine and I laugh my head off! My crazy crazy life …. and these are the moments I love most ❤️

My mission: my baby brother turned 40 July 3rd and tonight is a surprise party his wife organised. Markus‘ sister and brother-in-law help Markus with the kids and I am on the train to Munich …. my Mum is arriving at appr. the same time on a different train and my friend Anke is meeting us at the station. I will sleep at her’s tonight, as she lives next to the airport Munich and I have an early flight back in the morning…..

Did I mention that I looove surprises!?!? I cannot wait to see his face and call him this morning to coordinate next weekend, when I will go with him to Zugspitze for a fishing and wellness weekend – just the two of us…. And I am equally excited! „Have a nice weekend“…. little does he know that we will see each other in only a few hours already.

Mia and I drop off a few things at the postoffice and feel that my energy levels start dropping! Perfect timing to now sit on the train with my cousin Sylvie’s daughter – her grandfather is on his way from Salzburg to Munich right now to pick her up…. it all works like clockwork…. I love it when a plan works 😉

Will only post this when my brother arrives…. whooooo…. the excitement 🤗, but will try to relax now, have lunch and ice cream work, on the kid’s sticker book and look out of the window…. I love train journeys – optimistically packed loads of stuff to read 😉 Oups…. she might be sick now…. hmmm…. poor thing!

I have my chemo pills with me, but today there is no room for cancer … Happy Birthday, Micky! Love you ❤️

Emotional, great, funny – what an evening at Kim & Co …Anke and I are in a taxi now, exhausted, but happy and I am glad to spend some extra time with her now! Good night!

Stuff, it is just useless stuff, which stresses me today! Why? I use the time while the kids are in Kindergarten to tidy the flat, prepare the folders for kindergarten and go to lymphdrainage, but I am restless….I have to pick the kids up at 1pm nowadays and three hours can be very short.

I should bring our pram to Andrea, who is due on Monday, I should get the parcel with baby stuff & presents ready for Conny, I should get the maternity clothes ready for Markus‘ sister and the ’starter set‘, who will pick it up tomorrow – it is a pile of stuff in the bedroom, which needs sorting, should should should….but I say NO. As soon as the household aid is here and Markus back from the doctor – on crutches, but pain free and fit – I go upstairs and sleep…. it is a constant battle of balancing rattle and rest and I make more of an effort now. More NO, more rest and I enjoy the rest of the day with my kids!

The pain in my joints is apparently from a lack of rest – now that this is the third time I hear it this week, I am more determined to stop. I don’t always have much of a choice, but I have a choice… rest, relax, enjoy the day! I am late with a lot of things, but hey, I will get there!

Andrea’s husband will pick up the pram, I have both kids in bed early and will sort the stuff now and if it is too much, I will do it another day.

My cousin will pick me up tomorrow and I will have a day off, while Markus, his sister and his brother-in-law handle the kids! Hmmm….

Oh, my little girl… she waves me off and runs into the play kitchen in Kindergarten…. „I will be back after lunch! Do I get a kiss?“ Quick kiss and off I go to my alternative practitioner for reflexology and acupuncture, while I am clinging to my phone!

Frau Kakizaki gives me a mild look – I am apparently running on emergency power and shall take more time out…. next week, for sure! She looks at my tongue and feels my puls before and afterwards and apparently ‚it‘ flows better…. whatever it does, it calms me down and she hit apparently some ’super points‘, which shall give my body extra power to recover! I will try not to use it for useless tasks, but rather look forward to less pain in my joints…. even my fingers are really stiff now 😜 Apparently it shall also help with the heat, water retention…. we shall see!

Am picking up the kids and drive to Bonn to collect Markus from hospital. Mum is leaving tonight and I will be stuck with getting the kids ready, etc. but I am taking time off before she is leaving – right here, right now!