Tired, but happy….Mia was in kindergarten for breakfast and lunch and is super happy, while I went to my running mamas, have a coffee and run some errands, I pick up four kids on bikes from kindergarten and all goes well, I attend our home owner’s meeting and bring the kids to bed…..Holiday is booked, five days Mecklenburg Lake District between the Blogger4Charity event in Berlin and a party in the west 😉 and yes, I do too much, I know, but there is a light at end of the tunnel, as Mia is staying in Kindergarten now and hopefully there will be me time and rest time soon! My onchologist recommended resting and vitamin D (never would have thought that this was possible during summer 😂)…. will have to make time. And I want to just sit somewhere quietly with a book …. next week! Maybe 😉

Fundraiser – €592 …. whooohooo!!

Ok – am I ok?!? No, not really…. and yes, I am. I am not fit, but ok, I am not strong, but ok and it is ok that I am tired – I am still recovering from 28 radiation and 16 chemos, my breast looks horrible after two operations and I am facing another one and I am taking chemo pills…. I often say that it is ok, when I am really not and when I say that it is not ok, it is often too late….

I have always been this way… work hard, multi task, never ill, always finding a way and always being ok with everything. For now ok is good though 😉

I have an onchologist check-up today. My blood is ok, I am ok with my eight pills a day. I should take just a little less than five pills of 500mg morning and evening, but he wants to keep me on four for now, as he rather does all cycles on four pills than having to stop the chemo due to side effects…. we see how this one goes.

Nurse Fassbender chats to me about being ok – she says that now the hard time begins, as everyone thinks that all is fine again, as my hair is back and that they cannot understand that I am not fit. Tired?! Apparently that fatigue will stay for a while and I need to rest more, which I have no time to right now. Yes, she sums it up so nicely – I feel guilty and weak sometimes for not being up to speed and it hurts me, when people give me a puzzled look, when I say that I am not ok, but I am ok with it!

Tomorrow is day four in Mia’s Kindergarten and I will go to LaufMamaLauf and maybe have the chance for some me time, as I went to Bonn today to visit Markus and am exhausted now! It will be ok to have an early night!

Music therapy is extremely emotional today… we loosen the vocal cords, the face muscles, the tongue, the body and sing different songs. I am tired, but feel good and suddenly, with the next song, it all comes out. The melody triggers my emotions and tears are running down my cheeks – I cannot stop weeping and humming the melody at the end does not help….

🎵🎶Been travelling a day

been travelling a year

been travelling a lifetime

to find my way home  2x

Home is where the heart is

Home is where the heart is

Home is where the heart is

My heart is with you 🎶🎵

Home….what is home….I have travelled the world, called the ships and boats my home, but home isn’t a place, home is the smell of my grandfather’s hair, the sound of the pigeons outside their house (which I thought for ages were nightingales …. the idea was by far more romantic 😂), it is a little cave, I build as a child, it’s holding a child in each arm, as they snuggle up to me, while I am reading, it is the cosiness of my room in Adelaide Road and the feeling being held by Nick, who I was dating, endless nights chatting, drinking, eating and smoking in our living room, a phone call with Inga, Anne, Anke, Tessa, Conny, taking off in an airplane and seeing the clouds from above, a coffee with Hannah, Simone or Maja, a joke my brother makes, woodruff water ice sticks and candy I shared with Lars, my Mum’s hand on my cheek, a book, a movie, a song or singing the karaoke buttercup song with MiniMe on the QE2, coffee in that little diner in New York, skiing through deep snow, swimming in Mondsee or any lake and many many moments, but what it comes down to is being happy with myself, accepting myself the way I am, being in the moment and the here and now!

🎶 Home is where my heart is and my heart is with me 🎵, is the alternative ending and this is the right one! Love life, love the moment, love yourself ❤️

€522 for my fundraiser for DKMS LIFE …. whooohooo! Ok, €100 are my match, but this is amazing! Thank you!

Today I test my nerves and almost have an epic fail, but only almost…. I try sewing a kindergarten folder cover for Mia in between fleamarket and swimming and learn that I am not fit, as a) I almost throw the machine out of the window as it plays tricks on me (ok, that happened beforehand cancer as well) and b) I cannot figure out in my head which side I have to sew together…. I use trial and error and thank goodness it works…. but I am done for the day – mentally – and it is really messy! Normally I might have cared, but I don’t – it is handmade, by myself and for my daughter ❤️ From far away it looks great and it is almost midnight and I need to sleep now!

Point number two…. I like to raise awareness and donations for cancer projects, charities and cancer itself…. I do not see what a difference it makes that I am a patient…. on the contrary – I know best what it is like! Cancer is still a taboo, but I like to talk about it and hope that I can support cancer patients, encourage and make a difference! That’s it 😉

Here is something new…. I am tired 😂 and that’s why I am late with my July fundraiser!

I am participating in the #dryjuly challenge, not drinking any alcohol for one month and I am challenging you to donate to DKMS LIFE, who run the look good feel better patient programmes in Germany – cosmetic seminars for cancer patients! I support them, as this really makes a difference and to see some pale and sad faces leaving happy, smiling and radiant, is truly inspiring!

Click here for my Facebook donation page or donate to:

DKMS LIFE

Deutsche Bank AG Reutlingen

IBAN DE27640700850013230800

BIC DEUTDESS640

Subject: „Kick Cancer Chick“

Or click here to donate via their homepage!

I said I would double the donations once €100 are reached and while posting it, donations were already at €140…. thank you, please keep donating!!

Today is Kindergarten party and I am just recovering from the last few days…. I was doing alright during the day yesterday, but when Mia had enough last night, was screaming and shouting while I was trying to put her to sleep, I almost fainted….. sweat was pouring down my face, every bone in my body hurt and I felt weak and sick. Helpless not to have the physical and mental strength I used to have….. but I enjoyed the afternoon and evening and am putting some makeup on and getting my tissues ready for my wee boy singing in choir today at the kindergarten summer event ❤️❤️❤️…..

I manage alright, speak to some parents I have not seen for a while and am happy that my kids are happy in this cute little kindergarten! In the book „Why does Mum wear a hat during summer!“ the cancer free Mum goes to the kindergarten summer event and wins the sack race with her son! Maybe this is why I am so happy that the kids are fit again, so joyous that weather is splendid and I dive into rider racing, coconut shy and wheelbarrow racing. My kids are adorable and my heart jumps with joy.

I am equally exhausted when we return home and rest a bit! Chill, bake pizza with the kids and I will finish with a yin yoga workshop at I’m possible yoga with my friend & fellow Kindergarten Mum Nina 🙏

Two vomiting children and one haircut – Mum looks after the kids while Fadime at CUT trims my hair helmet and it feels sooo much better!

I have a quick coffee with Maja – I just need it, as the night was exhausting – and we kiss for charity! For every kiss selfie, gdh Germany donates €1 towards the look good feel better seminars run by DKMS LIFE in Germany. I support them, as it is one initiative for cancer patients, which does not look at cancer, but at the woman behind it and it brings normality and joy during cancer treatment – make-up can make such a difference ….. especially, when the natural look disappears along with hair, lashes and brows! Want to make a cancer patient happy?!? Donate to DKMS LIFE!

Mia is still sick during the morning, but our friends are not afraid to come around for a BBQ anyway – bless them. I will probably sit in the corner with Mia glued to me, but Leo is fit and I can do with some company after Mum left post my lymphdrainage 😉

It is all… beautiful, normal, tiring & exhausting…. the night was short – from 4am I have one kid in each arm, which makes me equally happy and tired. Mia is fine again today, but I keep her at home, as you are not allowed to send your kids, when they vomited and I feel it’s right and …. thank goodness my Mum is here. I run some errands with Mia and past lunch I am done for the day! But I can sleep and Mum takes the kids for a stroll…❤️

On my mind are a thousand things – at least I did not forget to take my chemo pills this morning 😜, but bank transfers, paperwork and a general mess of papers & things just overwhelms me. No, I did not continue my #feelgood challenge, but I will…. just not today 😴

Markus surgery was moved to next Tuesday, when the builders are here, I have to be in kindergarten in the morning and I have an onchology appointment in the afternoon, which means that I can’t even drive him despite my Mum being here to help. He does not want it anyway 😉. His insurance company granted more household aid hours, but our provider has no one available …. somehow it will all work out – it always does 😉

…and I still need to book our holiday…

I manage! I build toy trains, read books and now I am in the hammock, with a drink with Leo in his Sheriff Woody PJs running around, which makes my heart jump! He might have a little temperature, but we will see what the night brings! The alarm reminds me to take my chemo pills and the kids need me ….

I wake up and can barely open my left eye…. any need for a mosquito bite there?!? Just what I always dreamt off… not!

I spend a quiet morning in Kindergarten! Mia wants to stay for lunch and does not want to go home afterwards…. therefore we stay and I am happy that she loves it. I sit outside, write her diary, read and relax…. lovely!

My Mum prepared lunch, but this way there will be more food for me!

This afternoon, I leave the kids with my Mum and go to the cathedral to meet Libby – my Instagram bosom buddy from Florida…. whoooohoooo! We connected during our journey and found out that we were on pretty much the same schedule, ended ratiation together and the only difference is that I will now continue with chemo fun… she is on a cancer recovery tour through Europe and I am so happy she and her friends take their time to stop in Cologne for a few hours. We stroll through the cathedral, the Roman ruins and the old town, have a beer and chat away – what an uplifting experience! Her friends give me a necklace with a shell from St. Petersberg (FL), which I wear with all my wristbands ❤️

I love it when I meet the digital friends in real life! Wow! These connections are truly amazing! I never used Instagram before November and with Insta suddenly this whole community of fellow breast cancer patients opened up, inspiring, supportive, sad, emotional – some amazing friendships started here…. we go through the ups and downs and along with us a large crowd of followers, who simple support, encourage and often make me laugh! Thank you – sometimes I don’t know what I would have done without you ❤️❤️❤️

I am a bit tired, take the wrong tube and walk the rest home….I still have time to read the kids‘ bedtime story, but Mia has a little fever already and falls asleep in my arm. It was a big day and she did not nap! …..gosh, I hope I won’t fall asleep at autogenic training, but all goes well…. last time this takes place, but I take a lot of calm into my daily life – or at least that is the aim.

As I come home, Mum is Holding crying hot Mia. I calm her down, lay down with her and she pukes all over me…. my poor baby. But at least she is not as hot any more and falls asleep next to me. Here I am watching over her, hoping she will have a good night’s sleep now, listening to her breathing , being alert each time she swallows a bit louder. I am glad my Mum is here, so I can shower and then I hold her in my arm and we fall asleep …. good night all!

A mother’s summer tale…. it is 30 degrees and Mia’s first day in Kindergarten. We have a relaxed morning and after a tantrum due to the fact that Leo realizes upon arrival that he is wearing Crocs instead of sneakers 🤦‍♀️, he is super sweet and shows Mia around in her group and plays a bit with her. She then stays by herself, I sit outside and finally update the diary I write for her and we happily departed at 11am.

I just pop into our dm drugstore to quickly print off some photos for Mia’s kindergarten, when the drama starts…. my phone is not connecting to the printers and once I get it, the computer needs ages and the programme keeps shutting down…. I get assistance from a really nice employee and a stool to sit on, as I start feeling weak and Mia is whinging….

It finally works and Mia falls asleep on my arm. I have to laugh out loud, but am happy that we are seated and don’t get stressed when the colour ribbon needs changing, as I feel that Mia can do with a nap anyway.

Mia wakes up at the checkout and we stop at Tatjana Böhmer’s to stock up on berries before we have a quick lunch at Tasty Pasty …. oh, my heart jumps today, as Mia is so adorable!

We pick up Leo and relax on the terrace – I bought 30 ice sticks yesterday…. hmmm – that’s the life!

This is when cancer reality hits me again…. I am a bit tired from the heat and realize that I still have to hand in my insurance card to the doctors… I leave the kids with our household aid Jessica and sit on the tube on the way to Prof. Dr. Breidenbach…. I quickly drop off my sick notice at work and chat to my colleagues, but am tired and happy to return home!

I take it easy – my mum arrived this afternoon to stay until Saturday – and it’s the first Tuesday of the month, which is girls‘ night and today we are chilling at Bumann & Sohn’s beergarden – streetfood & cool drinks – bring it on! Yeah! A little bike ride and a bit of wind to blow through my curls is just what I need now!

This is my week without chemo pills, but I don’t think they have massive side effects anyway, but that I am still having bone aches from my previous chemo and my tiredness is due to radiation – and I hope that this is fading now, as enough is enough…. I want a bit more energy or jut less tiredness!

Summer in the city and after a short night with the kids having wild dreams, the day starts with an 8am doctor’s appointment with Mia – the annual check, where all is fine …. our babysitter Pam looks after her, while I go to music therapy and the psycho oncologist.

I really look forward to Mondays nowadays – music therapy is truly uplifting, makes me stronger, gives me energy and it is amazing how As or Us can touch you in this way, but it works. Haus LebensWert runs these therapies on donations and this is something worthwhile donating to!

I run some errands, as – whoohoooo – our household aid is sick today …. I collect Mia and we pick up Leo for an afternoon of splashpool fun – I do pimp our little pool with water toys and an inflatable flamingo …. we have icecream, I put a hammock up and for dinner I am ordering something! I need to make sure I manage my energy alright and it works!

I am calm, relaxed and cannot be bothered by anything today! I forget to do things, prepare things, whatever – today I do not care. My kids clean the windows with their foam water toys and I let them… it keeps them busy, they have fun and it is only water…. before dinner we watch Jim Knopf, which I loved as a child and I am happy and now Markus can take over, while I am in the hammock 😉

Little reward for myself? Yoga – if I ever get out of this hammock! Outlook – Mia is starting big kindergarten tomorrow!