Ready, steady, go…. after breakfast, I decorate the table for Mia’s birthday, draw on our chalkboard wall, shower and off we go! The train literally departs 2 minutes after we board 😉

I am well impressed with Deutsche Bahn – not only do the kids get toys, no, there is kids animation onboard…. whoohooo! What a great idea!!

Can I have a bad hair day? Theoretically, not, but my curls are back big time…. will I be a Rastafarian?!! I shall not find out, as I plan to keep my hair short, but it might be worth a try 🤔

Hello Munich – nice to see you again!I am tired & chillaxing at Anna & Micky’s is what I need right now! So good to see you ❤️

Radiation 10/28 ✔️

I noticed little blisters after the last radiation, but due to the public holiday, my breast had a day off and now they are gone. I am glad my skin has the weekend to recover.

I am being called in at 8:45am and leaving the radiation center at 8:55am – they actually warn me that it takes a bit longer today as they have to take control pictures to make sure the lines are still in the right place, as sometimes the breast can swell during radiation 😉

I cannot get over it – I am back home 30 min after I left the house….Now it all has to go like clockwork: buy the last ingredients, shoes for Leo and a 2 balloon for Mia, bake & decorate my cakes for Monday, presents are almost all wrapped. No rest for the wicked? I cut everything else out of my day, accept that I don’t have enough red and pink smarties for my cake decoration and rest during lunchtime.

I have a busy, but super fun afternoon with Leo and we all visit our local fair before we have dinner at our local Italian restaurant La Spendula! I just have to finish packing and wrapping and off we go to Munich tomorrow morning 😎

I feel I am really on top of things, I am superwoman in my own terms, as I even finished sorting out the kids‘ wardrobes today …. whoohoooo! Bring on anything – I can handle it!

Nutrician – despite a German documentary suggesting that nutrition can kill cancer, I still think everyone needs to find a way to lead a happy life in whichever way works best and I think that there certainly is a benefit to eat healthy, whether you have cancer or not, but I also think that it is a personal choice how to live and what to eat. This actually goes for everything – or as chemo nurse Fassbender always says – „it is your movie, you are the screen director and you decide what is happening!“…

The only thing I was not allowed to eat during chemo was grapefruit fresh orange and lemon juice due to the acid and I was completely ok …. I did NOT cut out sugars, as the tumor cells need fuel for cell division and the chemo can only destroy the cell during this process. In fact, I ate a lot of sugar…. I have reduced it after chemo and one could point finger and say „see, your tumor was still active after chemo“, but you know, it shrank from more than 2cm to 4mm and it is my movie.

I have always looked after myself, practiced sports and had a healthy diet, which I am keeping and now adjusting, where I feel that I need improvement…. and yes, I still enjoy my life, drink wine, eat candy and unhealthy food, but not all the time and I am interested in healthy nutrician.

Therefore I went to see the alternative practitioner – specialized on traditional Chinese medicine (TCM). The belief is that it is all about energy – Yin and Yang, the calm and the energetic, which needs to be in balance and if in unbalance, it can cause pain and illnesses.

I had to fill a 20 page questionnaire answering all about my lifestyle, nutrician and medical history. There are five elements in the nutricianal concept – air, metal, wood, earth and water, simply to categorize the different parts of your body. I need attention with wood and earth and no, I don’t really believe in the whole concept, but I take the best elements of each theory, which are logic to me and use them….

To get more energy, I should – drink hot water and eat more hot food and less raw, as the raw food actually is too difficult to digest for me (I have tummy cramps), I can still drink the occasional green smoothie, but rather as a small dessert, eat more legumes and limit processed food, fast food, fried food, battered food, spicy food, frozen food, garlic, ginger, onions, pepper, large amounts of cinnamon, dairy, additives, sweets and sugar – nothing new here. I actually started a while ago to eat porridge, never liked milk anyway and I should eat prior to my first coffee….

I love it when a plan comes together – not -we have Simone and her family over for a BBQ now …. good nutrician here we go!

A good night’s sleep makes a whole difference, but cannot fix anything…. I am still sensitive and emotional, when I wake up and that is totally ok. Reflecting what I have been through and what lays ahead of me, it is a long journey and I am happy that I passed the half way mark of my treatments and the worst is hopefully in the past. I have been on this journey for more than eight months now and I really hope that it won’t be another eight month, but I will go however long it will be, it would just be nice to put an end to it.

An end?!? Right, there will never be an end, but there will hopefully be an end to active treatment and then comes the worst part anyway, which already started – the uncertainty, if the monster is secretly growing again somewhere, if the uninvited guest, who might be lingering somewhere, waiting for an opportunity to sneak in already has a foot in the door.

One thing, which really helps me mentally and physically since the start of my journey, has been regular sports and therefore I am happy that I am meeting the running Mamas after radiation. Simone gives me an envelope from my mummy friends with a BeYOUtiful card and a shopping voucher for my next retail therapy at Kiss the Inuit and I have to cry – they know me so well….

Be yourself and be beautiful – this is part of this journey. I am listening more to what and who I am, not what I am supposed to be – inside and out. What helped me a lot to still feel that I was being myself, was make-up! The Look Good Feel Better programme run my DKMS LIFE is offering complimentary make-up courses for cancer patients, where you learn how to draw eyebrows when yours are no longer there, how to tie headscarves and they have a hair programme helping you with wig options!

I am quite emotional today and cry again during coffee just talking about all the things I have to do. I see how – as the day progresses, I run my errands and go to lymphdrainage – I am emotionally stronger and stronger and spend a lovely afternoon with Hannah and the kids.

Markus has gone out, as it is a public holiday tomorrow and I am waiting for the kids to fall asleep, will watch a breast cancer documentary, which was on RTL TV two days ago and go to bed early! Look after yourselves!

Generally my kids are good sleepers, but what happened last night?!? Mia is wide awake at 3:30, first screaming and then playing nicely in my bed while constantly asking for my attention. She is really cute and adorable, but aaaahhh….. I am soooo tired!

It might be the tiredness, but reality hits me hard today…. radiation 8/28 is in the books, I see the psycho oncologist and was asked to see Prof. Dr. Breidenbach today. She says that she cannot use the ultrasound, as radiation has already started and the gel would be an issue, but that she does not like the look of my breast, promises me that it will look dreadful after radiation and that she will have to operate again next year, if I can live with it this long…. well, whatever it takes.

I check, if I should do anything, like take supplements and she says that vitamin D is the only thing she could suggest, if anything. Ok ✔️

Then I want to know if there are different chemo pills, but apparently there are only different dosages…. that is all and the reason she wants me to take them is based on studies concerning my tumor, where they were successfully used.

The final question – how do you know, if it works? You don’t – you only know, if it does not work, when the tumor comes back. What an outlook…. not!

I am about to leave and check with the receptionist as to when I should see her again – three months after radiation ends…. hmmmm…. that means I call Dr. Reiser to arrange the next steps concerning chemo, I guess!

I get the vitamin D and return, as I still have questions due to the fact that I would only see her in September and get an appointment for early June. I am sad and frustrated, but that does not help…. it all feels vague and despite the fact that I should run some errands, I run home and eat and sleep and shed a few little tears! I do send a quick What’s App to Prof. Dr. Breidenbach, as I remember her doing the ultrasound when I was marked for radiation, which started two days later….

Apparently it is normal that radiation drenches out all your energy…. unbelievable. I still want to drop off Leo at kids gymnastics and mobilize my last energy, but I just make it to Kindergarten and back and since a bike hit our household aid, I send her to hospital and stay with the kids in the garden – me on the sofa and the kids can do whatever they want with water and sand 😉.

I might have to cancel Maja and Christina tonight, if I still feel this way and cut out as much as I can to survive the rest of the week. A nice evening with my girls would be exactly what I need now ….. or loads of sleep!

What a day…. I hardly have time to breath and have to leave the house without a coffee/ breakfast…. radiation, music therapy, alternative practitioner and Kindergarten. I drop off Leo at a birthday party and get ready for the Distribution and Sales Team Meeting dinner with my colleagues from Germany, Austria and Switzerland.

Is it all worth it? I think so, radiation kills my cancer, music therapy lets my heart sing while our voices travel over the roof tops in the skies and the practitioner advised me how to change my diet. Apparently the raw food is too much for my digestion and I shall continue to eat porridge …. I will try it and see what happens!

It is wonderful to see all my colleagues and it feels so normal! They are a bunch of wonderful people and I am happy to have a somewhat normal evening. It feels like I am part of this normal working life and I still am – at least for tonight! Some of my former colleagues from Controlling and Sonja join after dinner, it is the first of these mild summer evenings, where you sit outside and chat away and time just flies. I could sit there for hours, but I am tired and take a taxi home! Thank you for the wonderful evening!

The daily radiation does not take a lot of time, but is really is getting on my nerves. If only it wasn’t each working day…. pfewwww… on top of it this week is packed with medical appointments and I am exhausted just thinking about it! Thank goodness for a public holiday on Thursday!

The naked truth – 2 days vs 3 months past my last chemo…. time really flies, I have the hopefully last operation in the books, 6/28 radiation sessions done and it is summer in the city! Mia will be two next Monday and it only seems like yesterday she turned one….

The next week will be busy, I am a bit overwhelmed by the outlook even though it is all positiv things, which are lined up and I shall take it step by step to make sure I still have energy for Munich and Mia’s birthday and therefore the only activity is a wee trip to the zoo.

Apparently I am not handicapped enough – no discount on my annual zoo card?!!? Ahhh… I waited for months to renew the card in order to benefit from being severely disabled – nevermind – I would not have gone to the zoo anyway and even today, we just visit the hippos, the playground and have lunch!

We are off to chillax in Carla’s garden for the rest of the day – this about all I can possibly handle today, as my energy level is close to zero!

What a nightmare – Leo wakes at least ten times screaming and shouting! My poor boy is exhausted and so am I.

I hit the backyard fleamarkets in Nippes, while Markus and the kids go to the playground. Today anyone with a backyard can register and sell whatever they no long need in there. I am too tired to really enjoy it, but have a mission, as the kids need a few things. It is hot today with no single cloud. I buy way too much and visit a few friends, who are selling before I bump into Don, who is one of the fellow cancer bloggers from the workshop and I sit down with him, happy to rest for a little while.

Someone who has gone through the treatments, the emotions, can truly understand where you are standing at and I am happy to chat to Don. He is already working full time, but it is never „all good“ again …. cancer is staying with me for the rest of my life and these connections will hopefully also stay with me. My perspective has changed, I have changed and my life has changed!

Markus is calling me and I am back in here and now, as our neighbour Maggie invited us for her birthday dinner and I need to go home now, but look forward to seeing Don soon again….I am completely exhausted by the time I reach home. I did not see my kids almost all day long, but there is no way I would have managed to check out the flea markets with them.

As I get dressed, I feel like putting high heels on. The problem with chemo feet is that they constantly hurt – either your feet hurt, your nails hurt or you no longer have nails and it hurts and therefore you aim for the most comfortable shoes. If I wear heels, I cannot wear closed shoes, as my toes hurt, but if I wear peeptoes, my missing toe nails show. I thought about fake toe nails, plasters, but there is no quick fix and I decide to wear my peeptoes anyway. Yes, as Simone points out quite rightly, some people have ugly nails all their life and it is a dinner party and probably nobody will even notice it. „Your look only needs to be perfect, if you are incapable of anything else!“ My toe nails are not pretty – au contraire – but they are part of me, something like a scar, which reminds me right now of what I have been through so far…. You deserve to see the world, this one time, peeps, and I will sort something out for the rest of the summer, but for tonight, I am ok 😉

I am officially „severely disabled“ – what?!? Why?!? Well, it proves my point again…. you don’t see cancer, I don’t look ill – even get a lot of compliments regarding my hairstyle…. but life is not the same and it will never be the same again!

What do I need this ID for? I know that I get a €40 discount on the annual zoo card, five extra days of paid holidays and tax benefits, which is a great! Cancer blogger Judy recommended to buy „my rights with a severe handicap“ (ISBN 978-3-406-65426-8) and I will. Might as well benefit from living with the devil 😉

My day is busy, but really productive and I am proud of myself! I have a post radiation breakfast with Hannah, run some errands and I am almost done sorting the kids wardrobes. Since it is something apparently only I have the superpower to do, it had not been done since my diagnosis – at least…. actually more like a year or even more…. what a burden and how wonderful that I managed to do it! In a way I am now decluttering my flat and my life. I had the urge to do it for ages, but no energy and despite being tired, the radiation does not seem to have and side effects and with the two kids tired is something I have been living with for a while 😉 yep, I use the time before the next chemo to get sorted and then I might find peace and quietness to continue working on my book 😀

I am done for the day and even managed to go to a parent meeting at music school and a parent meeting at Mia’s Kindergarten! My Mum is here with my nephew Janis, summer is here as well and I am going out to Suderman with the girls tonight – Hannah’s husband actually runs it! The day does not have enough hours …. I need a quiet day to catch up with a few friends, but will hopefully manage during the weekend – I am tired, but happy …. over and out!

I use the baby brush for a stylish radiation wave – thanks, Elisa for the tip! This sounds funny, but my new hair can really hurt a bit, when it points the wrong way… my scalp is somehow more sensitive!

Radiation 5/28 in the books! Apart from fatigue, I am fine and my skin is still ok, but I will treat it to some cabbage wraps tonight, as it tingles a tiny bit 😀

The radiographer redraws my lines – do I need to worry that they are all wobbly? Guess they are better at radiation than drawing and don’t need a steady hand, as the machines are moving automatically once programmed and not per joy stick – thank goodness for that 😉

I have a few appointments and drop the new sick note off at HRG. It is great to see the colleagues and I am very touched to receive a hotel voucher for one night in Düsseldorf – thank you ❤️❤️❤️ well, will have to go to the forbidden city, I guess? Who will I take along? Maybe I go by myself?!?

I am really tired – it is a mixture of radiation and having the first sleepless night since ages. While I pause for a complimentary head and neck massage, I receive the devastating news – my Insta friend Dany, who I shortly met at Bloggers4Charity, has a rezidiv – she is in remission, just finished her treatments, was looking forward to summer and going back to work…. but she is a tough cookie!! 😘 … but it is just so unfair! Paula, Dany… enough is enough!

Leo invited his kindergarten friend Pepe for a playdate – I try to watch them from the sofa, but am actually busy with the three kids. Well, at least the toys are sorted now…. Markus is at sports, I hope that the kids will fall asleep any minute now and Simone is coming over tonight. We will chill and have alcohol – a little wine and I will be fine!