Generally my kids are good sleepers, but what happened last night?!? Mia is wide awake at 3:30, first screaming and then playing nicely in my bed while constantly asking for my attention. She is really cute and adorable, but aaaahhh….. I am soooo tired!

It might be the tiredness, but reality hits me hard today…. radiation 8/28 is in the books, I see the psycho oncologist and was asked to see Prof. Dr. Breidenbach today. She says that she cannot use the ultrasound, as radiation has already started and the gel would be an issue, but that she does not like the look of my breast, promises me that it will look dreadful after radiation and that she will have to operate again next year, if I can live with it this long…. well, whatever it takes.

I check, if I should do anything, like take supplements and she says that vitamin D is the only thing she could suggest, if anything. Ok ✔️

Then I want to know if there are different chemo pills, but apparently there are only different dosages…. that is all and the reason she wants me to take them is based on studies concerning my tumor, where they were successfully used.

The final question – how do you know, if it works? You don’t – you only know, if it does not work, when the tumor comes back. What an outlook…. not!

I am about to leave and check with the receptionist as to when I should see her again – three months after radiation ends…. hmmmm…. that means I call Dr. Reiser to arrange the next steps concerning chemo, I guess!

I get the vitamin D and return, as I still have questions due to the fact that I would only see her in September and get an appointment for early June. I am sad and frustrated, but that does not help…. it all feels vague and despite the fact that I should run some errands, I run home and eat and sleep and shed a few little tears! I do send a quick What’s App to Prof. Dr. Breidenbach, as I remember her doing the ultrasound when I was marked for radiation, which started two days later….

Apparently it is normal that radiation drenches out all your energy…. unbelievable. I still want to drop off Leo at kids gymnastics and mobilize my last energy, but I just make it to Kindergarten and back and since a bike hit our household aid, I send her to hospital and stay with the kids in the garden – me on the sofa and the kids can do whatever they want with water and sand 😉.

I might have to cancel Maja and Christina tonight, if I still feel this way and cut out as much as I can to survive the rest of the week. A nice evening with my girls would be exactly what I need now ….. or loads of sleep!

What a day…. I hardly have time to breath and have to leave the house without a coffee/ breakfast…. radiation, music therapy, alternative practitioner and Kindergarten. I drop off Leo at a birthday party and get ready for the Distribution and Sales Team Meeting dinner with my colleagues from Germany, Austria and Switzerland.

Is it all worth it? I think so, radiation kills my cancer, music therapy lets my heart sing while our voices travel over the roof tops in the skies and the practitioner advised me how to change my diet. Apparently the raw food is too much for my digestion and I shall continue to eat porridge …. I will try it and see what happens!

It is wonderful to see all my colleagues and it feels so normal! They are a bunch of wonderful people and I am happy to have a somewhat normal evening. It feels like I am part of this normal working life and I still am – at least for tonight! Some of my former colleagues from Controlling and Sonja join after dinner, it is the first of these mild summer evenings, where you sit outside and chat away and time just flies. I could sit there for hours, but I am tired and take a taxi home! Thank you for the wonderful evening!

The daily radiation does not take a lot of time, but is really is getting on my nerves. If only it wasn’t each working day…. pfewwww… on top of it this week is packed with medical appointments and I am exhausted just thinking about it! Thank goodness for a public holiday on Thursday!

The naked truth – 2 days vs 3 months past my last chemo…. time really flies, I have the hopefully last operation in the books, 6/28 radiation sessions done and it is summer in the city! Mia will be two next Monday and it only seems like yesterday she turned one….

The next week will be busy, I am a bit overwhelmed by the outlook even though it is all positiv things, which are lined up and I shall take it step by step to make sure I still have energy for Munich and Mia’s birthday and therefore the only activity is a wee trip to the zoo.

Apparently I am not handicapped enough – no discount on my annual zoo card?!!? Ahhh… I waited for months to renew the card in order to benefit from being severely disabled – nevermind – I would not have gone to the zoo anyway and even today, we just visit the hippos, the playground and have lunch!

We are off to chillax in Carla’s garden for the rest of the day – this about all I can possibly handle today, as my energy level is close to zero!

What a nightmare – Leo wakes at least ten times screaming and shouting! My poor boy is exhausted and so am I.

I hit the backyard fleamarkets in Nippes, while Markus and the kids go to the playground. Today anyone with a backyard can register and sell whatever they no long need in there. I am too tired to really enjoy it, but have a mission, as the kids need a few things. It is hot today with no single cloud. I buy way too much and visit a few friends, who are selling before I bump into Don, who is one of the fellow cancer bloggers from the workshop and I sit down with him, happy to rest for a little while.

Someone who has gone through the treatments, the emotions, can truly understand where you are standing at and I am happy to chat to Don. He is already working full time, but it is never „all good“ again …. cancer is staying with me for the rest of my life and these connections will hopefully also stay with me. My perspective has changed, I have changed and my life has changed!

Markus is calling me and I am back in here and now, as our neighbour Maggie invited us for her birthday dinner and I need to go home now, but look forward to seeing Don soon again….I am completely exhausted by the time I reach home. I did not see my kids almost all day long, but there is no way I would have managed to check out the flea markets with them.

As I get dressed, I feel like putting high heels on. The problem with chemo feet is that they constantly hurt – either your feet hurt, your nails hurt or you no longer have nails and it hurts and therefore you aim for the most comfortable shoes. If I wear heels, I cannot wear closed shoes, as my toes hurt, but if I wear peeptoes, my missing toe nails show. I thought about fake toe nails, plasters, but there is no quick fix and I decide to wear my peeptoes anyway. Yes, as Simone points out quite rightly, some people have ugly nails all their life and it is a dinner party and probably nobody will even notice it. „Your look only needs to be perfect, if you are incapable of anything else!“ My toe nails are not pretty – au contraire – but they are part of me, something like a scar, which reminds me right now of what I have been through so far…. You deserve to see the world, this one time, peeps, and I will sort something out for the rest of the summer, but for tonight, I am ok 😉

I am officially „severely disabled“ – what?!? Why?!? Well, it proves my point again…. you don’t see cancer, I don’t look ill – even get a lot of compliments regarding my hairstyle…. but life is not the same and it will never be the same again!

What do I need this ID for? I know that I get a €40 discount on the annual zoo card, five extra days of paid holidays and tax benefits, which is a great! Cancer blogger Judy recommended to buy „my rights with a severe handicap“ (ISBN 978-3-406-65426-8) and I will. Might as well benefit from living with the devil 😉

My day is busy, but really productive and I am proud of myself! I have a post radiation breakfast with Hannah, run some errands and I am almost done sorting the kids wardrobes. Since it is something apparently only I have the superpower to do, it had not been done since my diagnosis – at least…. actually more like a year or even more…. what a burden and how wonderful that I managed to do it! In a way I am now decluttering my flat and my life. I had the urge to do it for ages, but no energy and despite being tired, the radiation does not seem to have and side effects and with the two kids tired is something I have been living with for a while 😉 yep, I use the time before the next chemo to get sorted and then I might find peace and quietness to continue working on my book 😀

I am done for the day and even managed to go to a parent meeting at music school and a parent meeting at Mia’s Kindergarten! My Mum is here with my nephew Janis, summer is here as well and I am going out to Suderman with the girls tonight – Hannah’s husband actually runs it! The day does not have enough hours …. I need a quiet day to catch up with a few friends, but will hopefully manage during the weekend – I am tired, but happy …. over and out!

I use the baby brush for a stylish radiation wave – thanks, Elisa for the tip! This sounds funny, but my new hair can really hurt a bit, when it points the wrong way… my scalp is somehow more sensitive!

Radiation 5/28 in the books! Apart from fatigue, I am fine and my skin is still ok, but I will treat it to some cabbage wraps tonight, as it tingles a tiny bit 😀

The radiographer redraws my lines – do I need to worry that they are all wobbly? Guess they are better at radiation than drawing and don’t need a steady hand, as the machines are moving automatically once programmed and not per joy stick – thank goodness for that 😉

I have a few appointments and drop the new sick note off at HRG. It is great to see the colleagues and I am very touched to receive a hotel voucher for one night in Düsseldorf – thank you ❤️❤️❤️ well, will have to go to the forbidden city, I guess? Who will I take along? Maybe I go by myself?!?

I am really tired – it is a mixture of radiation and having the first sleepless night since ages. While I pause for a complimentary head and neck massage, I receive the devastating news – my Insta friend Dany, who I shortly met at Bloggers4Charity, has a rezidiv – she is in remission, just finished her treatments, was looking forward to summer and going back to work…. but she is a tough cookie!! 😘 … but it is just so unfair! Paula, Dany… enough is enough!

Leo invited his kindergarten friend Pepe for a playdate – I try to watch them from the sofa, but am actually busy with the three kids. Well, at least the toys are sorted now…. Markus is at sports, I hope that the kids will fall asleep any minute now and Simone is coming over tonight. We will chill and have alcohol – a little wine and I will be fine!

Today is a good day – busy, I still have a tummy ache, but good and I even manage to mediate before I cycle to radiation! It is nice to ride my bike, but choosing the wrong route results in me just being spot on time for my radiation slot at 8:50 sharp 😉

Anything I said about radiation before is at stake today, as they called me in 20 minutes late – mental note to myself: it does not do any harm to be a couple minutes early …. Frau Schöps and her zimmer frame are waiting already. She is tired and so am I and apparently this is not the weather, but a side effect…. I still think the weather plays a part though!

I manage sports, coffee and a rest before I pick up Leo from Kindergarten and Mehrnaz and Laetizia visit for a play date and it feels good. It feels normal and I want a little bit normal right now!

As a closure, I see Dr. Multhaupt, who is one of my many psycho oncologists, for a final session tonight. We decide that I am now in good hands with Anja Gattinger in Haus LebensWert and our ways part here. She helped me a lot on my way ….. which way? I don’t know, where I am going and where this is leading me to, but it does not really matter. I am more and more in the here and now and I am getting to know myself better and I accept what I cannot change, change what I want to change, find out what I want and try to do it. There are many people going a part of this way with me and everyone plays a different role and some come and go and some are here to stay!

I need to make sure to rest more and therefore I will have a quiet evening now!

Here she’s going on about it again – it is the first! Time to check your boobs and listen to your body! I still have a lump in my left breast, but it is getting better and as I am writing this, Mia comes in „go to hospital, my breast is hurting, need plaster“ 😂 …. ok, you get the point! Check yourself – it only takes a couple of minutes and it can save your life!

I realize that I need to look after myself a bit more and I am sending Markus with the kids to the zoo, as I need to cover from a dreadful night and the early bird shift!

Today is Mayday and there is a tradition in some regions in Germany, where the night before the 1st of May, men place young birch trees with colourful paper ribbons outside the houses of their open or secretly loved ones. This is not a tradition where I come from and therefore I never had one, but even when I moved to Cologne, where you see them everywhere with names on them avoiding ambiguity, which is often caused by the density in cities and multi flat houses – I never had one…. years of mentioning it, finally produced one in 2015 – Markus placed a wee one on our van, as we were traveling Europe for two months with baby Leo and stopped at my parents…. I never had one again though 😂! It is ok as I just love seeing them everywhere and as we are quite liberal in Cologne a lot of men get them as well. Love is all around ❤️

I start feeling funny as we are about to leave the house and run to the loo. Markus and the kids go without me and I feel lonely and sorry for myself. Tummy cramps and diarrhea make me think of bowel cancer, but it was probably just the fried eggs I had for lunch. I am glad I have the colonoscopy on the 18th…. it is probably nothing, but „it does not happen to me“ no longer works for me. Look after yourself!

Frau Schöps is very old and walks slowly with her Zimmer frame into the radiation center. I am ten minutes early today and we chat about cancer and radiation, being tired and living in the same neighbourhood… she had a mastectomy 30 years ago and there are new tumors around her scar and they spread… yep, it can always come back and I won’t even start on how unfair this is! Frau Schöps is optimistic though and takes one step at a time. The positive news – Paula’s tumor did not spread and that is excellent news!

I praise the efficiency in the radiation center and the Italian doctor confirms that in Italy, this would not be possible 😉 Honestly, I am called into radiation 8:48, undress, wait, radiation, dress myself again and am leaving the building at 9:00! Whoosh!

Sabrina, who I met at the blogger workshop picks me up and we drive to the university clinic, have coffee and she has her blood checked, while I have music therapy and a psycho oncology session….

Music therapy is wonderful – half the wonderfulness is due to the incredible view from the 12th floor, but it is the music that makes me happy and emotional. I chat to the psycho oncologist, which adds to this feeling and walk with Sabrina back to the car. She has a gene mutation, a lymphoma and leukaemia and really needs a donor, but handles everything so well!

I will help her organize a bone marrow donor registration with DKMS in Cologne! It is super easy, only takes one minute and can save lifes – her life for example!

Today is the first time since my diagnosis that I invited one of Mia’s friends over – Moritz and his Mum Marie. Let’s see how it goes and yes, it is a very nice afternoon and I am happy. I enjoy my kids, they seem to be happy and am proud of myself and even manage to go to yoga tonight. I am very emotional though, as I have not done any yoga since Bali, my conversation with the psycho oncologist is stuck in my head and during the end relaxation tears start running down my cheeks. I rush home, as Markus wants to go out tonight and the wind tries my tears, as I cycle through the park. I am tired, but happy and off to bed now, as I am on early bird shift tomorrow 😉

You did it again…. you are an asshole, you stupid cancer, and you don’t play fair! I hate you! You grew during my bosom buddy Paula’s first chemo and now during the second chemo as well?!? Not funny …. but you picked the wrong girl – she is badass! Thinking of you ❤️

I started to watch a movie last night… why do I always pick the wrong ones?!? Is Amazon Prime evil suggesting the wrong movies where people die of cancer?!? Can’t you have a cancer ratings just like a kids ratings? I get up early with the kids, but later take some time off and watch the rest of the movie only to realize that she actually dies! Why don’t they put info like this in the preview?!? Can I only watch Disney movies now?!? Well, even then you don’t have the guarantee…. surely sometimes the thoughts arise, the ifs, but that does not help…. surely I think about death as well, about my kids, especially since another cancer blogger died last week. Svenja – I never heard about her, but saw one of her videos… surely we can all die and it is something everyone has to live with……not only a cancer patient – here is to life and to living each day to the fullest!

After a cancer blogger workshop last weekend, most of the participants connected and chatted a lot and decided to be the „Invisible Army“. We feel that we are ambassadors for anyone connected with cancer and it is our responsibility to make cancer and the fight that often happens behind closed doors visible! Join us on Facebook today, be part of our finding process, see us develop and grow and help us to break the taboo!

The sun is coming out, I dry my tears, put on some makeup and join the family for some fun in the sun! It is a lovely day and we have dinner near the deer park!