I am exhausted and try to chillax with the kids most of the day …. It is a contradition in itself, I know, but they actually can chill…. sometimes…. and I only need to leave in the afternoon for Düsseldorf, where the Blogger4Charity event takes place. A virtual meets reality event for me – I look forward to meeting a few of my Insta contacts!

Sturmfreie Bude is a great setting and the Beo Yalcin’s musicians created a beautiful atmosphere – wow to so much talent in one location. Nathalie has done a wonderful job to motivate people to donate for the support of children and their families by fulfilling their biggest wishes and helping young women to feel good despite having cancer! I am meeting up with DKMS LIFE, who supports the event and will organize a large event with Blogger4Charity in Berlin next year! Thank you for all your efforts – this is what makes a difference!

Markus is working a night shift, but I meet him on the doorsteps…. I send our babysitter Pam home and bring the kids to bed. I am tired, but it fills me with joy and only had the energy now to crawl across the hallway into my bed and post my blog entry, check out my goodie back and let the impressions of this weekend sink…. I met inspirational people, spoke a lot about cancer and saw the good that can develop from it….. I have a new hashtag on my mind – Benni’s #morehumorthantumor – feel drenched, but empowered at the same time and mentally prepare myself for a busy week ahead. Radiation starts on Thursday (unless Prof. Dr. Breidenbach throes in her veto last minute 😉)….

Tummy cramps and aches is something I have been living with for years along with frequent changes of bowel movements, but nowadays I worry about it! I check, if I notice any of the bowel cancer symptoms…. and I do, but there is no weightloss 😉 Thank goodness for the colonoscopy scheduled for the 18th May…. and thank goodness for being asleep while they do it!

The issue with cancer is that you see your body in a different light and you think about the ifs and whats a bit more often…. it is only normal, as I did not notice anything when the beast was growing in my breast and since the chemo was not able to kill it all together, my mind is not as straight forward as it used to be…. thankfully I do not freak though and it is something I will have to live with for the rest of my life anyway!

I spend the day in Gastraum Köln, a great loft, which Janssen Oncology rented to run their first Blogger Workshop with 12 cancer bloggers. The subjects cover clinical research, blogging from a psycho oncological perspective, web searches & social media analytics, patient communications & exchange …. it is fruitful, positiv, inspiring. Thanks for the exchange, listening, sharing, organizing this wonderful day accompanied by great food, a sensitive photographer and a wonderful artist, who graphically documented the day …. I will share the information about the other 11 bloggers below!

I am on a high flying home to see my kids and tomorrow I will report about the Blogger4Charity event in Düsseldorf!

Check them out! Fuck Cancer – das Leben mit Krebs und der Kampf (Braintumor), MaiRose & Krebskillerin (Breastcancer), Cancelling Cancer – Kein Weg zu weit (Bowelcancer), Krabbamein – der Krebs und ich (Thyroidcancer), Leukofighter – mein unglaublicher Kampf gegen die Leukämie & Always keep fighting – My Life My Story – My Life with Cancer (Leukaemia), Schockdiagnose Krebs – und plötzlich ist alles anders (Tongue/ Throat cancer), Auf einmal war er da (Yolk-Sac-Tumor), Gesundheit ist nicht alles – aber ohne Gesundheit ist alles nichts (Salivary Gland cancer), Krebstierchen (Soft tissue cancer)

Today is Mama and Leo Day, as Kindergarten is closed – it is sunny, warm and we are meeting Leo’s buddies in Boulder Planet, go to Burger King and hang out in our garden!

I am exhausted and realize that I am not fit yet for a full day with kids…. I need to get out and actually make it to Filos to meet the girls, who I first met in the prenatal weekend class pre Leo. When we all part, I have a last little glass of wine with my cousin Sylvie, who lives across the street. It is a mild summer evening and the streets are packed – it’s mid April 😉

Yes, we talked about cancer and yes, I am a bit sad today that I can’t say that it is all over soon, but I am ok that it takes longer and am willing to do whatever it takes. I was unable to see Prof. Dr. Breidenbach today to check my breast, but she will see me on Monday…. It is much better, but still has not healed properly. Well, since I know now that the radiation people will radiate anything, I am quite keen to get the go ahead from my doctor before it all starts on Thursday 😉

I ride my bike through the little streets off Turiner Straße, where the radiology center is. There is a huge construction site and I have problems finding the back entrance, but make it just on time. It is early in the morning, but the air is warm, the sun is bright and I am ready to get sewing patterns drawn all over me… I am laying on my back ready to whoosh into the CT scanner, the upper part of my body is naked and a nice doctor covers me up with my t-Shirt. It does not even feel weird anymore to lay somewhere naked…. the amount of people, who look at my boobs, touch them, scan them and talk about them is increadible and in a way, it has become something like having your feet measured…. absolutely normal!

Then everyone is there and despite feeling normal just a minute ago, I suddenly feel like a piece of meat. A roast, which is being prepared to be shoved in the oven…. I slide into the CT scanner, out and two women draw lines and crosses on my torso. It is actually not too bad, as my tumor area is apparently easily spotted and they tape the lines with plasters to prevent that they wash off too easily! I feel a bit like a crash test dummy, but what bothers me more is the fact that the therapy will end 11 June – no QM2 and no Berlin?!? Dr. Ricke sees me again and adjusts the appointments due to all the public holidays and the therapy suddenly ends 8 June and it works around the Berlin trip …. whooohoooo! Thank you!

I find the ideal bike route, have a coffee at Simone’s and another one at Maja’s to book our train ticket!!! Can’t wait! Berlin, Berlin, we are going to Berlin 🎶🎵

In the meantime, the revision department from my health insurance has declined my appeal against the cutting of the household aid, while I was recovering in Bali…. the comment is „unreasonable“. Well, do whatever you want. I find it sad that the bureaucracy is this narrow minded and that they pay for my household aid, when in rehab, but not when recovering in Bali, which was probably much more efficient than any rehab, but with no cost for them…. anyhow, it is not worthwhile to loose any sleep over it.

Off I go to talk about colonoscopy in hospital and am sitting in St. Vinzenz Hospital in the dark endoscopy department waiting for my appointment. But it won’t be long …. I hope…. and this afternoon the kids and I can try the new inflatable splash pool, which I bought today – hello summer 😎

Summer is here and it feels like the ‚good old times‘ in Frankfurt! Anne and I know each other from the Lufthansa’s flight attendant training days in 1994 – back then there were no kids and endless talks with coffee and cigarettes…. today was just like that, as the kids stayed at their father Karsten’s place …. but no cigarettes 😀 It’s these friendships that are effortlessly comfortable, where you never think you have to do something, can let your hair down (if you have any 😉) and feel at home. Anne is one of my best friends and Mias godmother. Fun fact: she lived in Ealing (London) year before I went to uni there and there are so many fun memories I share with her!

There is not much film shooting left to do for DKMS LIFE today and I can meet Anne for a quick brunch at Café Crumble before I jump on my train home to Cologne. I am happy that I could support DKMS LIFE and it was fun, happy that I could see Anne and happy that I can go home now to see my kids after kindergarten!

DKMS LIFE runs the German „Look good feel better“ programme organizing make-up seminars for cancer patients. It does not matter, if you just got your diagnosis, are in the middle of treatment or already in remission – they want to put a smile on our face and there are many companies supporting them with make-up products, which you can take home in a goodie bag. DKMS LIFE are completely financed by donations and yes, the seminars are complimentary ….you learn how to handle chemo skin, draw eyebrows, if you no longer have any and colour eyes without eyelashes – it makes any cancer patient feel good and the patients leaving the seminar glow inside out! Pale faces suddenly brighten up through make-up and confidence!

I am happy to support this wonderful organisation and I am helping to shoot a training video for their make-up artists, who voluntarily run these seminars all over the country! Check out the DKMS LIFE homepage for seminars and if you want to donate, this is money well invested!

It is a fun day, we will finish tomorrow and until then, I will spend some quality time with my friend Anne!

The sunshine wakes me up and my mood brightens as the beams hit my face. I feel much better and enjoy the early morning with my kids. Mia wants to cuddle all the time and clings to my leg…. my kids – like all kids – have very fine senses and feel when I need extra love ❤️

The elevator takes me to the 12th floor in the building next to Haus LebensWert. There are windows on each side of the room overlooking Cologne – what a beautiful setting for music therapy. Today is apparently the ‚large‘ circle meeting of appr. 14 people, which takes place once a month, while the ’small‘ circle meets weekly. We warm up humming different tones and loosening our tongues and jaws before we pair up. I pair up with the therapist Norbert Herrmanns, close my eyes and follow his humming around the room…. it actually focuses me on my hearing while I am in a cocoon of humming sounds and it is an amazing feeling of warmth and homeliness. There is a roof terrace outside the room and we all go outside to sing with Norbert Herrmanns taking the guitar with him. We are singing „we are sailing“ and tears start running down my cheeks…. it is a joyful crying in this beautiful setting with the wind blowing through my short hair and the sun warming the air. I am thinking about my time at sea, karaoke in the Golden Lion Pub onboard the QE2, MiniMe and I singing together, as I love singing, but would never sing alone, would blush and try to get away. Today, I don’t care what the others think, what I sound like …. I enjoy it so much and sing at the top of my voice! A final song combines movement and singing and I cannot wait until next week. We don’t introduce each other and I have no idea, who the others are, but the group has a good feel about it and Norbert Herrmanns plays a major role. He has a very strong voice being an opera singer and I really look forward to next Monday 🎶 …. let’s see who is part of the ‚inner‘ circle 😉

I enjoy the high, while having a coffee and a croissant – yep, that is ok, as I started the day with a green smoothie bowl – in the sun outside Café Petit Noir and run some errands before seeing psycho oncologist Dr. Multhaupt! I feel stronger than ever…. just a little cold, but much better!

To complete my feel well experience, I am at the Barber’s …. drinks offered: coke, coffee and water 🙄, but it was a great experience, the guys were fab and I wasn’t even charged, as he said that he hardly did anything…. well, without a beard and without long hair, there is not much to do, I guess, but having clean contours means the world to me. I do smell a bit like a bearded guy now, but I am sure that wears off soon and the other mothers at the playground do not complain 😉 Thank you, Al Barbier Nassr!

I sleep only a few hours and lay awake having bad mom thoughts running through my mind. It rains heavily and I do not manage to stop my mind, which runs like a hamster in a wheel….I feel guilty for not spending the afternoon with my kids, as I will hardly be home next week. I am beyond tired, think I have a cold, start coughing again and have pneumonia flashbacks, my breast is still not healing properly and I am angry with myself for being light tempered last night. Any little task I have to do overwhelmes me just thinking about it…. I am nine weeks post chemo, but I guess I have to give myself more time to recover!

Therefore I meditate, get up and spend time with my kids and after my first coffee the world looks already so much friendlier. It actually stops raining and as the first rays of sunshine break through the clouds, my mood brightens equally 😉

My energy level is close to zero, but the kids want to go swimming. I would go, but check with my doctor (on a Sunday with a What’s App boobie picture – she simply is the best), am not allowed and drag myself through to lunchtime just being present…. I ask them not to go without me, as I cannot stand not being with them right now!

Today is the first time we have friends over since my diagnosis …. my cousin Sylvie, Maja and their families come over for a BBQ. I had a busy social life throughout my therapy, but somehow I was not able to cope with having people over. Maybe home became my little sick place, my castle, my refuge?! I don’t know…, maybe it was just easier to leave at any point when I am somewhere else instead of kicking my guests out 😉

I try to sit back and relax and let my guests and Markus do everything, but am knackered beyond believe. My heart explodes with joy though seeing this bunch of wonderful people. The kids love each other and do cooking competitions! Tomorrow is my first day of music therapy and I am really excited. I will be asleep in no time and hope I will be ok again 😴

It is warm and sunny and busy…. Yes, I do too much, but the weather is so beautiful and I feel that I am full of energy.

I am very proud to say that I managed to get an appointment at a very cool barber shop! The bearded guys and their bearded clients looked slightly puzzled when I enter, but it is no issue and I will see them on Monday….in the late afternoon – just in case they will offer me a drink 😉

Anna, who I know from my first meeting at DKMS LIFE (who organise the look good feel better cosmetic workshops for cancer patients), organised a get together with five breasties and it was great to chat with them! The exchange amongst cancer patients is always special, as we can best relate to each other – thank you for organizing this meeting, Anna!

I have little energy left, but meet my family and friends at Fink for a nice open air dinner! Carola, the owner, actually sports the same hairstyle I have – by choice though – and it is nice to see her again!

I am beyond tired, completely exhausted and simply fall into bed when we finally reach home. Just two quick bedtime stories and my energy is gone. I look forward to having more energy one day to manage a whole day plus an evening, but for now, I am happy for what I have. I will catch up on some sleep, as I have been awake with Mia since 6.00am, and try not to do anything for the rest of the weekend apart from barbecuing…. of rather eating and socializing on my terrace 😉

I quickly get some passport pictures done today, as the City of Cologne wants some up-to-date ones for my handicapped ID, which was apparently granted in February. I look at the pictures thinking that I look quite normal again.

Normal? What is normal?!? My world is upside down, I do things differently, think differently and generally care less what is normal and if I am normal or not. I am definitely not the standard normal right now, but I feel good and love my blossoming hair, lashes and eyebrows – I am a short hair fan now…. ok, a little bit more density and length will cover my scalp quite nicely, but it is ok as it is!

I think that I could do with a little trim around the edges and ears by now though…. is that a hair dresser’s job??? No, I think I want to use the opportunity and go to a barber for the first and last time in my life…. I might as well take advantage of the situation and I always wanted to know what it is like to visit a barber, since the shops look so nice and according to my brother, it is quite an experience and my friend Nick says he even get’s whiskey there?!?! Not that I like whiskey, but hey… if I am lucky, my hairdresser offers me a coffee 😉 Let’s see if they turn me away, but since I have seen kids in there, you obviously don’t necessarily need a beard?!?!?…. I will try it this weekend!

I feel much better today, tidy the flat, go to lymph drainage and manage the entire afternoon with Leo, music school, ice cream and a quick visit to a very nice birthday party at Steffy’s, who I have know for years now! We don’t see each other a lot since she left the running mamas, but every time we do, I really enjoy it and we have the same interior design taste 😉.