Summer is here and it feels like the ‚good old times‘ in Frankfurt! Anne and I know each other from the Lufthansa’s flight attendant training days in 1994 – back then there were no kids and endless talks with coffee and cigarettes…. today was just like that, as the kids stayed at their father Karsten’s place …. but no cigarettes 😀 It’s these friendships that are effortlessly comfortable, where you never think you have to do something, can let your hair down (if you have any 😉) and feel at home. Anne is one of my best friends and Mias godmother. Fun fact: she lived in Ealing (London) year before I went to uni there and there are so many fun memories I share with her!

There is not much film shooting left to do for DKMS LIFE today and I can meet Anne for a quick brunch at Café Crumble before I jump on my train home to Cologne. I am happy that I could support DKMS LIFE and it was fun, happy that I could see Anne and happy that I can go home now to see my kids after kindergarten!

DKMS LIFE runs the German „Look good feel better“ programme organizing make-up seminars for cancer patients. It does not matter, if you just got your diagnosis, are in the middle of treatment or already in remission – they want to put a smile on our face and there are many companies supporting them with make-up products, which you can take home in a goodie bag. DKMS LIFE are completely financed by donations and yes, the seminars are complimentary ….you learn how to handle chemo skin, draw eyebrows, if you no longer have any and colour eyes without eyelashes – it makes any cancer patient feel good and the patients leaving the seminar glow inside out! Pale faces suddenly brighten up through make-up and confidence!

I am happy to support this wonderful organisation and I am helping to shoot a training video for their make-up artists, who voluntarily run these seminars all over the country! Check out the DKMS LIFE homepage for seminars and if you want to donate, this is money well invested!

It is a fun day, we will finish tomorrow and until then, I will spend some quality time with my friend Anne!

The sunshine wakes me up and my mood brightens as the beams hit my face. I feel much better and enjoy the early morning with my kids. Mia wants to cuddle all the time and clings to my leg…. my kids – like all kids – have very fine senses and feel when I need extra love ❤️

The elevator takes me to the 12th floor in the building next to Haus LebensWert. There are windows on each side of the room overlooking Cologne – what a beautiful setting for music therapy. Today is apparently the ‚large‘ circle meeting of appr. 14 people, which takes place once a month, while the ’small‘ circle meets weekly. We warm up humming different tones and loosening our tongues and jaws before we pair up. I pair up with the therapist Norbert Herrmanns, close my eyes and follow his humming around the room…. it actually focuses me on my hearing while I am in a cocoon of humming sounds and it is an amazing feeling of warmth and homeliness. There is a roof terrace outside the room and we all go outside to sing with Norbert Herrmanns taking the guitar with him. We are singing „we are sailing“ and tears start running down my cheeks…. it is a joyful crying in this beautiful setting with the wind blowing through my short hair and the sun warming the air. I am thinking about my time at sea, karaoke in the Golden Lion Pub onboard the QE2, MiniMe and I singing together, as I love singing, but would never sing alone, would blush and try to get away. Today, I don’t care what the others think, what I sound like …. I enjoy it so much and sing at the top of my voice! A final song combines movement and singing and I cannot wait until next week. We don’t introduce each other and I have no idea, who the others are, but the group has a good feel about it and Norbert Herrmanns plays a major role. He has a very strong voice being an opera singer and I really look forward to next Monday 🎶 …. let’s see who is part of the ‚inner‘ circle 😉

I enjoy the high, while having a coffee and a croissant – yep, that is ok, as I started the day with a green smoothie bowl – in the sun outside Café Petit Noir and run some errands before seeing psycho oncologist Dr. Multhaupt! I feel stronger than ever…. just a little cold, but much better!

To complete my feel well experience, I am at the Barber’s …. drinks offered: coke, coffee and water 🙄, but it was a great experience, the guys were fab and I wasn’t even charged, as he said that he hardly did anything…. well, without a beard and without long hair, there is not much to do, I guess, but having clean contours means the world to me. I do smell a bit like a bearded guy now, but I am sure that wears off soon and the other mothers at the playground do not complain 😉 Thank you, Al Barbier Nassr!

I sleep only a few hours and lay awake having bad mom thoughts running through my mind. It rains heavily and I do not manage to stop my mind, which runs like a hamster in a wheel….I feel guilty for not spending the afternoon with my kids, as I will hardly be home next week. I am beyond tired, think I have a cold, start coughing again and have pneumonia flashbacks, my breast is still not healing properly and I am angry with myself for being light tempered last night. Any little task I have to do overwhelmes me just thinking about it…. I am nine weeks post chemo, but I guess I have to give myself more time to recover!

Therefore I meditate, get up and spend time with my kids and after my first coffee the world looks already so much friendlier. It actually stops raining and as the first rays of sunshine break through the clouds, my mood brightens equally 😉

My energy level is close to zero, but the kids want to go swimming. I would go, but check with my doctor (on a Sunday with a What’s App boobie picture – she simply is the best), am not allowed and drag myself through to lunchtime just being present…. I ask them not to go without me, as I cannot stand not being with them right now!

Today is the first time we have friends over since my diagnosis …. my cousin Sylvie, Maja and their families come over for a BBQ. I had a busy social life throughout my therapy, but somehow I was not able to cope with having people over. Maybe home became my little sick place, my castle, my refuge?! I don’t know…, maybe it was just easier to leave at any point when I am somewhere else instead of kicking my guests out 😉

I try to sit back and relax and let my guests and Markus do everything, but am knackered beyond believe. My heart explodes with joy though seeing this bunch of wonderful people. The kids love each other and do cooking competitions! Tomorrow is my first day of music therapy and I am really excited. I will be asleep in no time and hope I will be ok again 😴

It is warm and sunny and busy…. Yes, I do too much, but the weather is so beautiful and I feel that I am full of energy.

I am very proud to say that I managed to get an appointment at a very cool barber shop! The bearded guys and their bearded clients looked slightly puzzled when I enter, but it is no issue and I will see them on Monday….in the late afternoon – just in case they will offer me a drink 😉

Anna, who I know from my first meeting at DKMS LIFE (who organise the look good feel better cosmetic workshops for cancer patients), organised a get together with five breasties and it was great to chat with them! The exchange amongst cancer patients is always special, as we can best relate to each other – thank you for organizing this meeting, Anna!

I have little energy left, but meet my family and friends at Fink for a nice open air dinner! Carola, the owner, actually sports the same hairstyle I have – by choice though – and it is nice to see her again!

I am beyond tired, completely exhausted and simply fall into bed when we finally reach home. Just two quick bedtime stories and my energy is gone. I look forward to having more energy one day to manage a whole day plus an evening, but for now, I am happy for what I have. I will catch up on some sleep, as I have been awake with Mia since 6.00am, and try not to do anything for the rest of the weekend apart from barbecuing…. of rather eating and socializing on my terrace 😉

I quickly get some passport pictures done today, as the City of Cologne wants some up-to-date ones for my handicapped ID, which was apparently granted in February. I look at the pictures thinking that I look quite normal again.

Normal? What is normal?!? My world is upside down, I do things differently, think differently and generally care less what is normal and if I am normal or not. I am definitely not the standard normal right now, but I feel good and love my blossoming hair, lashes and eyebrows – I am a short hair fan now…. ok, a little bit more density and length will cover my scalp quite nicely, but it is ok as it is!

I think that I could do with a little trim around the edges and ears by now though…. is that a hair dresser’s job??? No, I think I want to use the opportunity and go to a barber for the first and last time in my life…. I might as well take advantage of the situation and I always wanted to know what it is like to visit a barber, since the shops look so nice and according to my brother, it is quite an experience and my friend Nick says he even get’s whiskey there?!?! Not that I like whiskey, but hey… if I am lucky, my hairdresser offers me a coffee 😉 Let’s see if they turn me away, but since I have seen kids in there, you obviously don’t necessarily need a beard?!?!?…. I will try it this weekend!

I feel much better today, tidy the flat, go to lymph drainage and manage the entire afternoon with Leo, music school, ice cream and a quick visit to a very nice birthday party at Steffy’s, who I have know for years now! We don’t see each other a lot since she left the running mamas, but every time we do, I really enjoy it and we have the same interior design taste 😉.

I am in bed… I am exhausted, my throat hurts, I have no energy…. Throw back Thursday at it’s best… I realize that the last time I felt like this was past chemo…. WOW! It has really been a while! I have been busy lately, but for now, I have cancelled everything until this afternoon, am staying in bed and will try to sleep now. Fingers crossed that this is not the flu!! Over and out 😉

PS: did you see my lashes?!?!? There are tons growing back now 😍

Getting up I am tired beyond believe!! My mood today follows the weather – rainy in the morning and sunshine in the evening. I have not been to the running Mamas for a while, but make an effort and join them 30 min late. This week is a plank challenge in which I cannot participate anyway 😉, but the social aspect is certainly a motivator though. Coffee with the girls and lunch with Maja and Sandra brighten my day a bit!

I am late for sports due to my fatigue and a call from the music therapist. I can start the therapy on Monday and what he explains sounds very promising – I really look forward to it 🤗

I notice that people look at me more these days…. why?!? I have hair now and in my terms it is loads of hair!! Well, it was not really warm for the past seven months and I used to wear a hat or beanie while being outside, which made me blend in quite nicely. I would take it off as soon as I entered a building, but with this warm weather nowadays I no longer need a beanie to keep me warm…. do I care though?!?!? Not really…. and I always speak to the people straight away, if they keep staring, which normally helps both of us 😉

It ties in quite nicely that Michael and I visit a vernissage tonight „Schönlinge – Auf der Suche nach der Schönheit der Verletzlichkeit“ ….this exhibition is aimed to raise awareness for Alopecia Areata (an autoimmune illness, which is often considered ‚cosmetic‘ as you ‚only‘ loose some or all of your hair). Lisa Haalk, the beautiful and charming initiator of this project, has been living with alopecia since she was 11 years old and asked her friend Ingrid Hagenhenrich to take her pictures…. The idea was born and 2015 they started this amazing project with 27 alopecia beauties, 27 photo shootings, 1 traveling exhibition. It is an inspiring evening and I see great photographies, incredible people and have tears in my eyes, when one of them describes what being part of this project meant to her.

Yes, I lost every single hair on my body, but I always knew that it was only temporary and it was amazing to see all these photographies of these beautiful women shining despite being hairless for years! The exhibition is in Cologne until May 25.

When I first received my diagnosis, I approached it in the same way I manage projects at work – make a project plan, timelines and set up a good filing system. An accordion file folder is my way to stay on top of all the paperwork. The is a slot for insurance, nutrition, courses, psychology, radiation, diagnosis, invoices, hospital, chemo, etc. and the folder is almost bursting after more than six months, but considering the amount of administrative work one has to cope with, it really helps to have a project manager’s approach and key is a digital calendar …. physio, podology, make appointments for colonoscopy and a heart echo, I should also check out my music therapy, should complete the TCM questionnaire, should organise the taxi transfers contract for radiation, which the insurance company has granted, etc etc …. and there is our household and social life, which needs organizing, but I am ready for all and in a much better mood today after a meditation with Leo and the perspective to have lunch with Maja ❤️

Apart from the necessary administration, there is some work, which I actually enjoy and which helps my intention to raise awareness and support others. I am supporting DKMSlife and will have a first project with them next week. Additionally, I have been invited to a blogger workshop on April 21 and just received the agenda today! Not only are the topics quite interesting, but it will be nice to exchange information with fellow bloggers, which I will also be doing on the 22nd, when I am attending the Blogger4Charity event in Düsseldorf! There are interesting times ahead, a lot of cancer and charity publicity and I will certainly write about it!

My energy level is quite high today, I organise whatever I can while having a quiet coffee at Café Eichhörnchen and I am fit enough to look after the kids a bit more, which I enjoy a lot! I also try to think about my therapy in baby steps again! Radiation first: the start is now being moved to 26 April. I speak to Dr. Ricke and she says that the recommended window for radiation is 4-8 weeks post operation and with 7 weeks, we are still alright! 28 days of radiation, five days a week, bring me right to 4 June….. There are tons of public holidays in May – do they radiate on public holidays?!?! Maja and I wanted to go to Berlin on the 4th of June …. fingers crossed 😉

Today I am back in the medical world… I had no energy yesterday, there is still a lump in my breast and it was bleeding and therefore I am at the doctor’s first thing in the morning (but did send a What’s App to Prof. Dr. Breidenbach yesterday not to get into trouble again 😉).

My mental state was similarly low, as I still do not have the energy to do what I want. I would like to go swimming, but I can’t and I just feel fed up with this stuff…. maybe it’s just easier during winter to be sick or rather limited, as there are not that many opportunities out there?!? There are still loads of things I actually CAN do and I will concentrate on them!

Prof. Dr. Breidenbach is happy with my progress, gets some more blood out of my breast, but is not happy with the look of my breast ….. I could not agree more. It looks more like a crater landscape than a normal breast after the swelling has gone down. To tackle the rest of the , I have to massage it and put white cabbage leaves as much as I can and she said if the breast would be radiated in this state, it would stay like this 😳 I will cover myself in cabbage and postpone radiation!!

I discussed the anti-hormone therapy… or rather my disagreement being now a triple negative breast cancer patient! The tumor conference decided to give me AI and GnRH, which have heavier side effects than TAM…. these medications are normally given to patients with hormone receptive cancers!! I still do not see the point and will object. TAM is something I could try, but my feelings – and mainly my mind – say no! We shall discuss the matter and I sent my regards to the tumor conference 😉

There is no way that chemo will be started during radiation, says Prof. Dr. Breidenbach, as it simply would not work! No discussions! Good – this way I can concentrate on one treatment at a time!

I am also seeing a non-medical practitioner today as per Claudia’s recommendation. She is into traditional Chinese medicine (TCM), 5 elements nutrition and acupuncture and I have a free trial…. it won’t do any harm, I guess, but it is yet another appointment to fill my day and as I said … I am a bit fed up, but feel that I can benefit and agree to do it. Nutrician and cancer are linked, but since I – apart from to many sweets – am a healthy eater, I did not pay too much attention to it yet. I like the holistic approach of TCM tackling the working on the cause of an illness and not only the symptoms! My first homework is a questionnaire with millions of questions….. pfewww…. my motivation sinks a bit, but I will do it…. just not today!

To add a new dimension, there is blood in my stool … just what I need, but thinking about Amy, I will see a doctor asap!

Anyhow, the weather is nice and I scroll along the Rhine river, enjoy the peace and quietness and forget everything for a while! I breath, rest, feel happy and get the info that our household aid Steffi’s car broke down…. there is always something, but I am on my way home to enjoy our terrace, meditate and enjoy a quiet afternoon with my kids! I am grateful for what I have, but just sooo tired and will take it easy today!