A year ago today, I was at breakfast with my mummy friends, relieved that I had both kids in day care for the first time ever and a couple of weeks left for myself before returning to work…. just then, I remembered that I wanted to see my gynecologist because of that knot…. I was luck to get an appointment straight away, which I postponed to Wednesday due to the kids…. but then I changed my mind, asked our babysitter to take over and went to see Dr. Rix.

„Oh, it’s probably a cyst, as you just stopped breastfeeding, but let me have a look!“ The only thing I have ever seen on the ultrasound were eggs, babies and anything positive, but there was this black lump… and that fact that she tried to call a colleague there and then, worried me! She made an appointment with Prof. Dr. Breidenbach for a biopsy the next day and said it could be anything… but how she held my hand and wished me good luck, worried me again…. I had known her for years – it was that look!

Today I am with my physio therapist and she says that I should get an ultrasound of my breast, as something is strange….. hopefully just water, maybe the haematoma started to finally dissolve or maybe a lyphoedema… now I have flashbacks…. I get an appointment for Monday… and again I have flashbacks…. it was the Monday before my yoga and wellness retreat last year that I went to Dr. Rix…. but what can I do?!?

Shopping! I need a dress for the Dreamball in Berlin – whoohooo … I am so excited to go – and sometimes I think that I have developed a shopping addiction, as I walk home with a dress, a sweater and some trousers and I don’t want to check my bank account…. but it was all on sale 😉

Coffee is my remedy…. I love coffee! Not just the coffee itself, but the mood around it! Coffee let’s me sit down, I smell it, nip the foam, take the first zip and breath. I can drink it alone or with company and my coffee dates are like therapy for me….

It is the first day past our vacation, it is hectic, Markus is at the doctors and I need forever to drop the kids off. But I manage it and there are no tears and I see my psycho oncologist…. without breakfast and without coffee! But I have my coffee now – with fresh orange juice and a Müsli in Café Krümel ….. ahhhh! Life is beautiful and I enjoy my little time out before I get some groceries and face the mess and to do list at home…. or maybe I just mediate and sleep, when I get home 😉

I sit there, at a small table on the pavement outside the little café, a cool breeze let’s me shiver, which is something I am not used to any more… I wear closed shoes for the first time since week, as we are having this amazing summer…. it will be warm again in a couple of days, it is sunny! I sit quietly and watch the people – a young mother is passing by on her bike, talking to the kids in the bike trailer and next to me a group of international students is planning a trip to Spain, while the pensioners at the traffic light chat about their last vacation…..and I wonder, if I will ever manage a normal life again…. I get stressed with little things I would normally not even think about…. and I mean little!

But for now, I get my book out and have another coffee! Enjoy your Monday!

Fun fact – little Bennet sees me for the first time with hair…. „hey, you have hair again – last time you looked like Valdemort“ oh, thanks – I guess that was a compliment 😂 Now that makes up for my post chemo and post holiday excess weight of meanwhile 10 kgs 😳

I am officially back from my time out, rested, stronger, less bones aches, more energy…. I might have spent all last night though, when I danced away till the wee hours of the morning, but at least for one day I felt strong and full of power. It was a beautiful party with friends I know for more than 20 years…. but up til then it was all week good food, a bit of wine and happy kids – my remedy – and daily sports… Pilates, yoga, step aerobics, stretching, stand up paddling, aqua gymnastics, I was a jack of all trades…. low key of course 😉 I hope once I am more awake, I can confirm that I still feel stronger…. now I have a sore throat from singing and talking and a nostalgic trip through the 80s and 90s…. all the memories – I am grateful and happy!

Today I feel old and tired, but I think that I am in good company ….. It was a long and wild party, but today is not just any day – one year ago, I had a shower in a hotel in London and felt a knot in my breast, hard as a stone, big as a cherry…. I had just stopped nursing Mia ten days earlier…. probably just a cyst…. nothing to worry! Oh, boy, was I wrong!

It only took five days to know that this was an aggressive little knot, fast growing – very fast growing, minimal hormone receptive and happy to metastasize…. my world was turned upside down and it scared the hell out of me! „Give me all the chemo you have…. anything it takes, I will do it!“ and I did it, ticked off one by one, an operation, 16 chemos, pneumonia, another operation, 28 radiations and little complications and bits and bobs, but my little friend decided to be stronger than expected and after all of the treatments, it shrank, but was still alive and kicking, the little rascal….less fast growing, but mutated to a triple negative…. thank you! Now I am taking chemo pills and I hope that the end of therapy is end of this year! Enough is enough and I want to go to rehab, dance with Paula at the seaside and drink Gin Tonics shouting „it’s a wrap“!

One year of fears, tears, but also laughter, strength and amazing people, who I would have never met….it makes me stronger, a better person and I am determined to change something…. not only in my life, I want to raise more awareness, make cancer visible, give it a face and make sure that women and men look after themselves! We only have this one life!! And I try to live it to the fullest, while carefully choosing what to use my energy for…. I am more and more aware, am living the moment, try to look after myself and dance in the rain and I know that there is an army of wonderful people out there, who go along with me and I am thankful for every single one! Thank you for going on this journey with me, being there in real life or virtually – today I am not throwing my „Thank you to all & I am cancer free“ Party, as planned…. but I danced away last night and am enjoying my life and I am thankful for being alive! Please look after yourselves! YOLO!

My heart cannot take any more positive moments, love and happiness – what an amazing weekend!

I manage to do the Spiritual Sunday meditation with Laura Malina Seiler – a Live Session at 9:00am every Sunday and today all about gratitude! What am I grateful for?!? This – the here and now – the events, the charities and organizations (Blogger4Charity, Stiftung für Junge Erwachsene mit Krebs, DKMS LIFE, Kooperationsgemeinschaft Mammographie, only to name a few), who make a difference exceeding expectations with selfless enthusiasm and all the Instafriends, who I finally meet in reality!

I am heading to the Riogrande Restaurant on the banks of the river Spree. It is sunny, warm and I start crying as I descent to the beautifully decorated location decorated with their motto #gibachtaufdich – #takecareofyourself and seeing the MammoMädels and some of the Insta bloggers in real life!

We were invited to this kick off event to raise awareness of the screening programme and self care…. you will hear more during the breast cancer month October, but for now, please look after yourselves and follow these amazing ladies, so we can spread the word! You know yourself best and don’t let anyone brush you off, when you feel that something is wrong – it’s your health, your body and your life! Insist to be checked properly! Listen to your body, to your needs and your heart and do whatever is good for you! When was the last time you treated yourself to something? Fully enjoyed a moment?

That is what I am doing now – I am on the train to the Mecklenburg Lake District, where my family is waiting for me and I will be offline for a few days…. digital detox!

🎵🎶Berlin, Berlin – we’re going to Berlin🎶🎵…. it is my second Blogger4Charity event and I am full of love and happy moments.

I arrive a little early and scroll through Rudi-Duschke-Strasse, where I spent so many days in our HRG office during my regular business trips…. I see the Turkish grocery guy stacking the water melons as he always did, the little coffeeshop we used to grab a quick lunch, the tourists running to Checkpoint Charly and I think about my working life, which seems so far away, while I sip a coffee and enjoy a little quietness before the event!

My trip down memory lane comes to an end and suddenly I am in the here and now and in the middle of all these people in EWerk, who I mostly only know from Instagram…. surreal, magic, emotional and so tiring! It is great to see the familiar faces from the last event in Düsseldorf and they exceeded expectations! Blogger4charity have created this wonderful event in this cool location with so much attention to detail and so much love – they do all of it voluntarily, work endless hours and all the money raised goes to the following charities: DKMS LIFE and the Stiftung für junge Erwachsene mit Krebs, who are all doing great jobs and are definitely worthwhile supporting! There is a tattoo artist, you have little workshops, merchandizing, giveaways & little shops, make-up booths, varieté artists, amazing music acts and food & drinks!

I am done, have a bite to eat and some wine in my MotelOne before the craziness continues tomorrow, when I meet the MammoMädels and if there is any energy left, I will watch some TV, which I think I have not done since last year 😂

Why are there no longer steamer trunks – the QE2 guests had them for the world cruise and I could clearly do with a couple for my 12 days away from home …. there is simply no energy to pack light!

The other heavy baggage I take along is grief. My insta friend Erin passed away in remission from radiation pneumonia – the aftermaths of treatment …. please all look after yourselves, even when treatment is over ❤️

I have to handle it, yes, but all the sad and devastating cancer news amongst my insta community just hits me so hard. We bring normality into cancer life, show the happy sides, the funny sides, but there is always this frightening sight, lurking around the corner. It does not matter how strong, how positiv, how fit or feisty you are – cancer does not play fair. This is what scares me most…. but today is full of happiness and I am grateful beyond belief, sucking in every minute of our holiday!

Sea, sand, happy kids and my first meeting ever with my Instafriends Merle and Geraldine. Merle is my bosombuddy and it is amazing to finally connect in real life with those two wonderful women. Thank you Instagram!

Nobody understands these connections, which often give me more than most of my ’normal‘ friends, as only we understand what it is like to have a chemo brain, a chemo hangover, ups and downs within seconds and all the emotional and physical turmoil you get along with mix of diagnosis, treatment and kids…. I am grateful that we found each other – we miss Paula, but I will see her Saturday ❤️

No blog post today – I only post this for you not to worry, if I am silent!

Meditation – this is something literally everyone recommended I should do after I got my diagnosis… but how?!?! I had some experience with guided meditations through my travels and yoga practices, but needed to find a way to bring regularity into this….. I quickly discovered Headspace (thanks Oli!) and when I could no longer run away from my thoughts and feeling, as I had pneumonia and was stuck in hospital, it was my anchor and it literally saved me from going insane 😉

I always want to be good at everything and most of the time I am not…. I was the one, who could never turn a wheel, I cannot roll my tongue and the list of thing I am not good with is long…. and with meditation I had this feeling that I am not good at it either…. but there is a difference. I figured that I don’t have to be ‚good‘ – I just have to do it! Just taking out 10 minutes every day, 10 minutes you only care about yourself, is all it takes….constant dripping wears away the stone 🙏

My peak meditation time was in Bali and somehow the regularity stopped then…I came back all calm, strong and somehow did not get the hang of it any more…I added the 7Mind app into my repertoire, which is in German, then Calm for meditation sounds, checked out Amazon prime for chanted mantras, downloaded the SeeBeNow app, which features a few of my teachers from Bali and also includes yoga, even upgraded my Headspace account, which I can all highly recommend…. and I remembered something I started in hospital back in December – listening to Laura Seiler’s Daily Self love advent calendar, which I did not like at first…. too soft, too mellow, too much positivity – all kippers and curtains to me … it seemed all too commercial, but I listened to some of her podcasts lately and she seemed calmer, more real or maybe it was me, who changed…. and yesterday I did her „Spiritual Sunday“ meditation – and it was very powerful and I was weeping like a little child! She mentioned at the end that people meet in many cities to exchange experiences…. and I signed up for it. It’s tonight….I am a bit scared, but want to be open to new things….and suppose I can always leave, if it is too spiritual for my likings 😉

I have always been open to this, but sometimes it is too much…. remember me having to feel someone’s aura?!? Sorry, I am too much of a head person for this! But mindfulness is something I am focusing on! I return to Eckhard Tolle, who’s voice I got slowly used to over the years and listen to the podcasts Oprah’s Supersoul, 7Mind and Laura’s Happy, Holy & Confident ….. let me know what you can recommend!

Music therapy ties in quite nicely to this topic today as we talk about our feelings, music and meditation. We are singing a Tibetan mantra – and suddenly, I am in McLeod Ganj…. where I did a silent retreat with a Tibetan nun years ago…. I see the misty hills, hear the bells and the chanting in an incense enriched air, before we travel to Polynesia and I am on the beach, with flowers in my hair moving in the sea breeze, feeling the sand under my feet resting my mind while gazing at the calm sea…..an African tune puts me in the middle of a group of little boys playing soccer on a dusty field with red sand clouds twirling above their heads. I leave filled with happy moments until we meet again in September! I will check out Jon Kabat-Zinn in the meantime ….Thank you, LebensWert e.V. for this little weekly bliss!

#BraveBrightBeautiful – that’s what I want to be, but in the mornings it’s normally #OldTiredStiff…. not today though…. I am waken by some rays of sunshine on my face at 9:00am – peace, quietness and warmth fill the room and I can just turn around, linger in bed and have a first quiet coffee, while doing nothing!

I facetime with my kids – they are all happy, excited, knights in action and adventurers getting ready for a trip to the dear park with my parents … Leo was sick last night, had a fever and vomited – my poor baby! It is good to see him all happy and feisty ❤️

What to do with this beautiful day, when I don’t have to save my energy for my kids?!? Oh, no worries – there is a long list and I will randomly pick one or two things or just meditate, chill, read and have more coffee in bed! Heaven 🤗

I am looking after myself today, pamper myself, will put on comfortable clothes, some make-up, treat myself to a nice breakfast somewhere …. but maybe I sleep a little more and listen to myself – self love inside out …. even if it’s sometimes hard to love yourself, I still try to look after myself – mindfulness makes me #BraveBrightBeautiful!

#BraveBrightBeautiful is an initiative DKMS LIFE started – what makes you #BraveBrightBeautiful? Tell us, use the hashtag and tag DKMS LIFE!

My kids are going for a few days to my Mum’s before we pick them up for our holidays…. I want to spoil them beforehand, give Markus a lay in, make yellow and green pancakes, play silly games and let them watch their first 20 minutes of Sesame Street – ever – and it brings back all my childhood memories with Ernie, Cookie Monster and the rest….loads of cuddles and kisses and off they go!

Oh, I have so much to do, to sort, to pack, +500 unread emails, unopened letters, piles of stuff, I need to pack, …. but I just need some sleep… and a massage… and first of all… coffee!!

They leave me at IKEA….oh, don’t ask…. and I lunch, scroll through the ailes humming a song, buy things I think we need …. no, no tealights… and what is anyone else’s nightmare – IKEA on a Saturday – is something I suck in in slow motion, having a coffee, chilling on the displayed sofas and watching the crowds….the arguments of the old couple, who cannot agree on where to sit in the restaurant, the happiness of the young couple discussing baby gear, while he softly tickles her babybelly and the funny lady who cannot decide what colours the embroidery on her friend Elke’s cushion should have, as her taste is more ‚country style‘ …. it is a bit normality I watch, tired, but happy and since I cannot carry it all home, I get a DriveNow Mini – convertible of course – turn up the music and drive home to do absolutely nothing….apart from getting the candy drawer out and eating junk food without anyone watching!

Despite all the resting, the tiredness and all – Markus and I will out tonight – even if it is only for an hour….I need fresh air, sunshine, friends, food, wine and Schillplatz – one of my favorite spots in Cologne!