Teeth – I never had good ones and I was always scared of losing them, had horrible dentist visits and the simple thought of visiting a dentist would give me shivers – not even the little rubber animals I was rewarded with could help! Yes, I definitely ate too much candy, the creaking of my grandma’s candy drawer would let me drool like Pavlov’s dog, I was happy each time I could get away without cleaning my teeth and my dentist really made me suffer a lot, if there was something that needed mending – the dentist practice smell was enough to make me sick 😉

My dentist in Cologne is great though, he fixed all my teeth, I learned that it does not have to hurt and it’s like a little social event to see them – in a way I now look forward to these visits, but it is still one of my worst nightmares that I could be loosing my teeth and I look after them!

Having your teeth cleaned professionally, is something I was not allowed to do during my last chemos due to the risk of an infection, but I got the ok yesterday and my dentist has a free slot today! I never thought I would be so happy to go – one more step towards normality!…. despite the fact that I almost fall asleep there 😂

Bones can suffer from chemo and there is more tooth bleeding and all this fun stuff …. I was worried about my teeth during chemo, but my teeth are all ok and I am over the moon and drag myself home to take over the kids. We are baking a cake, watch a little movie and I am – yep, I know, I am repeating myself – tired, but happy with those little rascals ❤️

„I am telling you for the last time“ chemo nurse Fassbender gives me a lecture.., and I know that she means well! „You have to say good bye to your cancer – tell him that in November you are parting ways!“

It makes me think, yes, definitely we are going separate ways, yes, I need to identify my energy killers, yes, yes, yes, but…. my chemo brain is running slowly today and I will process the information later 😉

„I told you – this is the hardest time – you are still in treatment, but look healthy and fit!“ and yes again – I feel the weakest since starting treatment! And I try to do whatever is good for me – in this aspect I am doing worst since starting treatment! Maybe I am tired of it…. maybe I want to be strong again and try too hard… I will concentrate on the highlights, which lie ahead of me!

Markus and the kids are visiting their grandparents and I can rest when I get home…. I am so exhausted just from having physio therapy and seeing the onchologist – but today is the first day of my chemo free week and I have my little doctor’s examining me thoroughly, so I can finish the day with some light Yin Yoga 🙏

It is amazingly warm at almost 30 degrees at 11pm, when Simone and I cycle back from the Philharmonia concert „The 27 Club“…. it feels like I am in a mediterannean country, as the warm air blows trough my hair and the Rhine river sparkles in the night… I am filled with happiness as I return home – the concert was a trip down memory lane and it was great to share it with my chemo sisters, who I a so fortunate to have in my life. They are not actually chemo patients, but my mummy friends, who virtually held my hand during chemo and if it would have been allowed to bring someone along, they would have joined me, they gave me a chemo playlist, books, vouchers, lovely cards, gadgets…. and I get another present and card for completing chemo cycle number three – these crazy chicks…Andrea joined us despite her new baby Änne not even being a month old and I was well impressed! Christiane, one of the four, was ill, but Kindergarten mum Nadine stepped in last minute and I enjoyed it – despite my hip hurting in any sitting position 🤦‍♀️

The day also marked my end for my „Dry July“ fundraiser for DKMS LIFE and I had a Spritzer last night to celebrate…thank you for all the donations! Already via Facebook, we raised €645! But you can still donate via the DKMS LIFE’s website – subject „Kick Cancer Chick“!

Today – crazy madness and pure happiness to have the kids at home all day and Berlin is coming closer, where I will meet a lot of my virtual Insta friends, who are so dear to me…. goosebumps! I take a time out though, when household aid Steffi arrives and will have an early night, as Markus is going out tonight 🤗

Renewal of eyelashes happens serenely every few months…. generally it is a gradual process, but for me, my new lashes decide to renew themselves all at once! Now is there any need for that?!? I heard that after a while it goes back to a gradual renewal… fingers crossed that this won’t be too long!

Ok, we are having first world problems here and to be honest, I am not as devastated as the first time I lost them, as there is immediate regrowth!

Today is apparently the hottest day so far … therefore the kids and Markus go to the pool and I take over after my alternative practitioner, BUT… instead of going straight to the pool after my appointment, I learned my lesson and will try to rest!

I will need my energy for tonight, as I gave my chemo sisters – my mummy friends who supported me all along chemo – concert tickets for Christmas…. thinking that this would be over, thinking that I would have already thrown my „thank you all – I am cancer free“ party…. but hey, I no longer plan ahead too much! I really look forward to tonight 🤗

🎵🎶🎵 Monday – Music therapy day….oh what joy! I am glad we sing not only English and German, but also African and Maori songs, as my mind does not attach to the words – I actually have no clue what it means or quickly forget it and my mind takes off on little adventurous journeys. Today I fly through the coulds, dance along the beaches of the South Pacific, think about myself, but I also run through our grocery shopping list…. it is a rollercoast ride, I cry, I laugh, then I have trouble strike the right notes, but the last song is – as always – uplifting and I go full of happy tunes to see my psycho onchologist …. and yes, she is right, I need to give myself more breaks… easy in theory, but with two little kids, it’s such a difficult balancing act!

I only have three long lashes left, but put on happy nails and try to keep the positive vibes 🎶🎵🎶

An alliance – that is what we are…. we are on this path together. No matter what cancer, no matter what background, I feel the special connection between the cancer patients – it’s the sense of understanding without words.

Chemonurse Fassbender says you cannot go along with everyone and at one point, you need to distance yourself, as there will always be new patients, but I feel that I want to stay….

Sophia contacted me yesterday. A young mother of a little baby about to face her first chemo and I try to help and it makes me happy, if I can just make a little difference!

Someone, who really makes a difference, is Nicole aka Prinzessin uffm Bersch…. this breast cancer survivor and wonderful mother of a handicapped son, has created an amazing website with tons of information and wants to help anyone diagnosed with breast cancer, but is also actively ‚out there‘ doing good and increasing awareness. Check out her site on Facebook – this lady is such an inspiration and help to so many people! I am honored that she asked me to write my story for her blog.

I am weak today, stay all day at home, play with the kids and rest, while Markus takes them to the zoo in the afternoon.

The past weeks, there were a lot of bad news, these moments, when you learn about reoccurrences, metastasis, death and despite the fact that all handle it differently, it touches all of us…you feel helpless, angry, frightened and often it simply pulls the rug out from under your feet! We had not heard from our Insta friend Tom for ages…. yes, I had the worst thoughts, but today he wrote to me and it made my day! Thank goodness!

Total cancer fatigue disaster yesterday…. I am running on emergency power from 5pm onwards and it gets worse and worse…. normally, not that much of an issue, but we have Simone and her family over and I am presenting my worst self…. tired is ok, but I am moody, thin skinned, impatient and have no energy to make an effort to hide it 🤦‍♀️

I feel it creeping up, feel exhaustion when I have to leave the pool, but a little swim cools me down and gives me another energy boost to go to Kindergarten. I collect the kids, feel tired and am glad that our household aid Steffi is there to help me at Kindergarten …. I try to sit down, but there is always one kid, who wants something and I am less patient with the kids and by the time we BBQ I am merely keeping my head up….. I hate it! And in these moments I hate myself, the cancer and everything…. I just want to have my energy back and don’t want to be this wreck of a myself, who is a pain in the neck. I want to be the Mum I can be, the friend I can be….the heat does not help either, as the kids are tired as well!

This morning Leo says that he had a bad dream …. „what was it?“ I ask…“ I dreamed that you were dead“ apparently I was 100, but it does not help. I cry during breakfast, as I am so tired and exhausted.

I have to improve managing my energy budget – I should not overspend and running on emergency power ruins it all….

Today is the day to start meditating again! And if I have any power, I continue with the untire app…. and I am sending Markus and the kids to the public pool now. I wish I could do something with them, but my energy hits rock bottom, my body hurts like I ran a marathon and I can hardly get out of bed. I just need a little time to myself, where I can rest…. and then I will join them later!

Great – my plans for a wonderful summer holiday time are going down the drains….. but I will find a way and save more energy and next weekend, the kids will spend two days at my Mum’s before we start our little holiday away from Cologne ❤️

Markus drops off the kids this morning for the first time since he has been to hospital, but no rest for the wicked – our cleaning lady arrives early and turns everything upside down and I have planned to do something nice for myself today….. guess what – coffee with Simone, then a quick meeting with my Cologne Cancer blogging buddies and off to the public pool …. that’s the life!

It is always amazing to meet Don, Conny and Sabrina. Check out their Facebook Blogs! We all have or had cancer, we all blog about it, we are all different though, have different cancers, different issues…. we listen to each other, understand each other, accept each other the way we are, the decisions we make…. the dynamics are amazing and I know that there is more to come!

And after swimming, eating fries – without sharing 😜 and chilling a bit, I am ready and relaxed to pick up the kids for the summer holidays and spend the rest of the day in the garden – with Simone, her family, water and a BBQ – TGIF!

I am at work today! Well, not really, but I visit the office to hand in my sick note. I chat to my colleagues and it feels like I am back… and what do I do – I want to write some articles I was asked for anyway and have my laptop with me – I join my colleague Bernadette and ‚work‘ in the office…. yes, I could relax instead, do something else, but this little blink of normality feels so good and just like a glimpse of the daily grind I used to live in! I am a visitor though…. visiting my old life, visiting my old normality, I am still part of it, but I am also really far away from it all!

My daily grind is something else now though and from Monday the kids are on summer break and my new daily grind will be upside down again, apart from my doctor’s appointments. I am happy and scared, but the happiness wins….

I will have to run the summer on reduced speed, but I will just invent a light version of summer holiday fun, which I am fit to do, but without any decrease in happiness and fun and I already see the smiling faces of my kids! Summer holidays, no alarm clocks, no rush, sun and fun and loads of ice cream, love and happiness and my mind smells sunscream and BBQs…. hello summer!

Boobs, bosom, breast, bust, falsies, foobs, melons or lemons…. whatever you call them, whoever you are… rich, poor, tall, short, big, small, male, female…. check them on the 1st, as breastcancer can hit anyone!

It’s the pot calling the kettle black, as I am the worst example and NEVER checked! I found my lump by accident – under the shower, but I was lucky that it was on the outside…. not all the lumps are detected easily and it is not all black & white! Maybe the skin is different….. there are many signs! And don’t think you are safe while undergoing treatment – cancer does not play fair 😉

That should be it for news of the day…. proudly complete LaufMamaLauf with my running Mamas in what feels like 100 degrees, have millions of builders at home, do a pointless trip downtown and am really ready for Mia’s play date in our splash pool, while Leo’s play date has been outsourced …. I feel like an old granny, even stiffer post sports, but hey…. I am in a good mood today and look forward to a few events and our holiday lined up in August!…. and there is yoga tonight 🙏