Renewal of eyelashes happens serenely every few months…. generally it is a gradual process, but for me, my new lashes decide to renew themselves all at once! Now is there any need for that?!? I heard that after a while it goes back to a gradual renewal… fingers crossed that this won’t be too long!

Ok, we are having first world problems here and to be honest, I am not as devastated as the first time I lost them, as there is immediate regrowth!

Today is apparently the hottest day so far … therefore the kids and Markus go to the pool and I take over after my alternative practitioner, BUT… instead of going straight to the pool after my appointment, I learned my lesson and will try to rest!

I will need my energy for tonight, as I gave my chemo sisters – my mummy friends who supported me all along chemo – concert tickets for Christmas…. thinking that this would be over, thinking that I would have already thrown my „thank you all – I am cancer free“ party…. but hey, I no longer plan ahead too much! I really look forward to tonight 🤗

🎵🎶🎵 Monday – Music therapy day….oh what joy! I am glad we sing not only English and German, but also African and Maori songs, as my mind does not attach to the words – I actually have no clue what it means or quickly forget it and my mind takes off on little adventurous journeys. Today I fly through the coulds, dance along the beaches of the South Pacific, think about myself, but I also run through our grocery shopping list…. it is a rollercoast ride, I cry, I laugh, then I have trouble strike the right notes, but the last song is – as always – uplifting and I go full of happy tunes to see my psycho onchologist …. and yes, she is right, I need to give myself more breaks… easy in theory, but with two little kids, it’s such a difficult balancing act!

I only have three long lashes left, but put on happy nails and try to keep the positive vibes 🎶🎵🎶

An alliance – that is what we are…. we are on this path together. No matter what cancer, no matter what background, I feel the special connection between the cancer patients – it’s the sense of understanding without words.

Chemonurse Fassbender says you cannot go along with everyone and at one point, you need to distance yourself, as there will always be new patients, but I feel that I want to stay….

Sophia contacted me yesterday. A young mother of a little baby about to face her first chemo and I try to help and it makes me happy, if I can just make a little difference!

Someone, who really makes a difference, is Nicole aka Prinzessin uffm Bersch…. this breast cancer survivor and wonderful mother of a handicapped son, has created an amazing website with tons of information and wants to help anyone diagnosed with breast cancer, but is also actively ‚out there‘ doing good and increasing awareness. Check out her site on Facebook – this lady is such an inspiration and help to so many people! I am honored that she asked me to write my story for her blog.

I am weak today, stay all day at home, play with the kids and rest, while Markus takes them to the zoo in the afternoon.

The past weeks, there were a lot of bad news, these moments, when you learn about reoccurrences, metastasis, death and despite the fact that all handle it differently, it touches all of us…you feel helpless, angry, frightened and often it simply pulls the rug out from under your feet! We had not heard from our Insta friend Tom for ages…. yes, I had the worst thoughts, but today he wrote to me and it made my day! Thank goodness!

Total cancer fatigue disaster yesterday…. I am running on emergency power from 5pm onwards and it gets worse and worse…. normally, not that much of an issue, but we have Simone and her family over and I am presenting my worst self…. tired is ok, but I am moody, thin skinned, impatient and have no energy to make an effort to hide it 🤦‍♀️

I feel it creeping up, feel exhaustion when I have to leave the pool, but a little swim cools me down and gives me another energy boost to go to Kindergarten. I collect the kids, feel tired and am glad that our household aid Steffi is there to help me at Kindergarten …. I try to sit down, but there is always one kid, who wants something and I am less patient with the kids and by the time we BBQ I am merely keeping my head up….. I hate it! And in these moments I hate myself, the cancer and everything…. I just want to have my energy back and don’t want to be this wreck of a myself, who is a pain in the neck. I want to be the Mum I can be, the friend I can be….the heat does not help either, as the kids are tired as well!

This morning Leo says that he had a bad dream …. „what was it?“ I ask…“ I dreamed that you were dead“ apparently I was 100, but it does not help. I cry during breakfast, as I am so tired and exhausted.

I have to improve managing my energy budget – I should not overspend and running on emergency power ruins it all….

Today is the day to start meditating again! And if I have any power, I continue with the untire app…. and I am sending Markus and the kids to the public pool now. I wish I could do something with them, but my energy hits rock bottom, my body hurts like I ran a marathon and I can hardly get out of bed. I just need a little time to myself, where I can rest…. and then I will join them later!

Great – my plans for a wonderful summer holiday time are going down the drains….. but I will find a way and save more energy and next weekend, the kids will spend two days at my Mum’s before we start our little holiday away from Cologne ❤️

Markus drops off the kids this morning for the first time since he has been to hospital, but no rest for the wicked – our cleaning lady arrives early and turns everything upside down and I have planned to do something nice for myself today….. guess what – coffee with Simone, then a quick meeting with my Cologne Cancer blogging buddies and off to the public pool …. that’s the life!

It is always amazing to meet Don, Conny and Sabrina. Check out their Facebook Blogs! We all have or had cancer, we all blog about it, we are all different though, have different cancers, different issues…. we listen to each other, understand each other, accept each other the way we are, the decisions we make…. the dynamics are amazing and I know that there is more to come!

And after swimming, eating fries – without sharing 😜 and chilling a bit, I am ready and relaxed to pick up the kids for the summer holidays and spend the rest of the day in the garden – with Simone, her family, water and a BBQ – TGIF!

I am at work today! Well, not really, but I visit the office to hand in my sick note. I chat to my colleagues and it feels like I am back… and what do I do – I want to write some articles I was asked for anyway and have my laptop with me – I join my colleague Bernadette and ‚work‘ in the office…. yes, I could relax instead, do something else, but this little blink of normality feels so good and just like a glimpse of the daily grind I used to live in! I am a visitor though…. visiting my old life, visiting my old normality, I am still part of it, but I am also really far away from it all!

My daily grind is something else now though and from Monday the kids are on summer break and my new daily grind will be upside down again, apart from my doctor’s appointments. I am happy and scared, but the happiness wins….

I will have to run the summer on reduced speed, but I will just invent a light version of summer holiday fun, which I am fit to do, but without any decrease in happiness and fun and I already see the smiling faces of my kids! Summer holidays, no alarm clocks, no rush, sun and fun and loads of ice cream, love and happiness and my mind smells sunscream and BBQs…. hello summer!

Boobs, bosom, breast, bust, falsies, foobs, melons or lemons…. whatever you call them, whoever you are… rich, poor, tall, short, big, small, male, female…. check them on the 1st, as breastcancer can hit anyone!

It’s the pot calling the kettle black, as I am the worst example and NEVER checked! I found my lump by accident – under the shower, but I was lucky that it was on the outside…. not all the lumps are detected easily and it is not all black & white! Maybe the skin is different….. there are many signs! And don’t think you are safe while undergoing treatment – cancer does not play fair 😉

That should be it for news of the day…. proudly complete LaufMamaLauf with my running Mamas in what feels like 100 degrees, have millions of builders at home, do a pointless trip downtown and am really ready for Mia’s play date in our splash pool, while Leo’s play date has been outsourced …. I feel like an old granny, even stiffer post sports, but hey…. I am in a good mood today and look forward to a few events and our holiday lined up in August!…. and there is yoga tonight 🙏

26 August 2017 was the day I felt a lump in my breast and 31 August 2017 was the day I was diagnosed and now I am sentimental, as August is starting tomorrow. One year ago was the run up to the big c-day, but I wasn’t aware…

What followed was an outlook of a min. of 9 months until I would be back to ’normal‘ – I heard „very aggressive, fast growin, happy to metastasis“, „chemos and operations and radiation“…. but with cancer, nothing goes according to plan…. first it was one tumor, then two, then the removal of all breast tissue was discussed, which would have meant no radiation and I pictured myself in my ’normal‘ life in June/ July…. then it wasn’t removed, which meant radiation until end of May….. but that only ended in June and meanwhile I learned that the chemo did not kill the tumor, which was removed in March and I had to face chemo pills for another five months….. moving ’normal‘ to 2019.

It is a bit like managing a project, but with a client, who changes his mind all the time and suddenly turns around and stabs you in the back. Even though it feels that you are in control, ticking off your appointments, you never really are….What I know for sure is that ’normal‘ will be a new ’normal‘ – nothing will be the same…. whenever the treatment will be over, I will still be myself, but different…

I am happy to be alive, grateful and more in the here and now. I am changing a lot of things and am excited to see what my new ’normal‘ will be like …. watch this space!

I love travelling, different countries, climates, vegetation, beaches, mountains, the sea and the food, but most of all, I love the people…. travelling wides your horizon, let’s you experience different views and cultures….

You don’t have to go far, different regions in Germany are already different, but I love Asia… and Latin America, and South America, the Pacific islands…. well, any area has its beauty, but also different people! I don’t want to moan about the Germans, as I choose to live here and love a lot of them, but sometimes, I like to get away from the correctness, the moaning, the judging and the observations…. in no other country have I ever noticed the amount of surveillance, the joy some people have when catching someone doing something wrong….the jealousy and distance. What I really want to say is that I enjoy the diversity that we have in Germany!

This is why I love InterNations – I can meet people from all over the world without leaving Cologne. Despite being tired, I look forward to this trip with Nisha tonight!

But for now, it’s music therapy at Haus LebensWert, which let’s me travel with African, Hebrew and Maori songs…. I close my eyes, feel the vibes and the sea breeze and the roar of the ocean – we are on the ground floor today, as the elevator is out of order and I don’t want to know, what the people passing by are thinking, when they see and hear us sing 😉 but then again, I really could not care less!

After my psycho oncology date with Caroline Scheulen, I have Indian lunch with Lars and meet his lovely girlfriend Maryam for coffee, who I have not seen for years! I am getting mentally prepared for two Kindergarten friends visiting us, but I enjoy it! It keeps my kids entertained and it is lovely to watch them having fun. Despite being tired, I look forward to my little travel adventure tonight, where Maryam might join us being Persian!

My eyes are burning and I wonder how I will ever manage a normal life again…. it’s Sunday, I make pancakes and rest on the garden sofa, read with the kids and give them water colours …. that is all I manage, but it is all I need today! My heart is filled with love and my kids are covered in water colours ❤️ I am exhausted, but happy!

I know I will get there, I know I will have the strength and I know it just needs some time!! I am not there yet, by far not, but I take babysteps…and I let my body rest and listen to my body! It is 3pm and I am not joining Markus and the kids, but rest…. and hopefully I will have the energy for tomorrow and my therapy appointments and the rest and maybe, I will have some energy tomorrow to finally get my head around the Untire app 😉😴