26 August 2017 was the day I felt a lump in my breast and 31 August 2017 was the day I was diagnosed and now I am sentimental, as August is starting tomorrow. One year ago was the run up to the big c-day, but I wasn’t aware…

What followed was an outlook of a min. of 9 months until I would be back to ’normal‘ – I heard „very aggressive, fast growin, happy to metastasis“, „chemos and operations and radiation“…. but with cancer, nothing goes according to plan…. first it was one tumor, then two, then the removal of all breast tissue was discussed, which would have meant no radiation and I pictured myself in my ’normal‘ life in June/ July…. then it wasn’t removed, which meant radiation until end of May….. but that only ended in June and meanwhile I learned that the chemo did not kill the tumor, which was removed in March and I had to face chemo pills for another five months….. moving ’normal‘ to 2019.

It is a bit like managing a project, but with a client, who changes his mind all the time and suddenly turns around and stabs you in the back. Even though it feels that you are in control, ticking off your appointments, you never really are….What I know for sure is that ’normal‘ will be a new ’normal‘ – nothing will be the same…. whenever the treatment will be over, I will still be myself, but different…

I am happy to be alive, grateful and more in the here and now. I am changing a lot of things and am excited to see what my new ’normal‘ will be like …. watch this space!

I love travelling, different countries, climates, vegetation, beaches, mountains, the sea and the food, but most of all, I love the people…. travelling wides your horizon, let’s you experience different views and cultures….

You don’t have to go far, different regions in Germany are already different, but I love Asia… and Latin America, and South America, the Pacific islands…. well, any area has its beauty, but also different people! I don’t want to moan about the Germans, as I choose to live here and love a lot of them, but sometimes, I like to get away from the correctness, the moaning, the judging and the observations…. in no other country have I ever noticed the amount of surveillance, the joy some people have when catching someone doing something wrong….the jealousy and distance. What I really want to say is that I enjoy the diversity that we have in Germany!

This is why I love InterNations – I can meet people from all over the world without leaving Cologne. Despite being tired, I look forward to this trip with Nisha tonight!

But for now, it’s music therapy at Haus LebensWert, which let’s me travel with African, Hebrew and Maori songs…. I close my eyes, feel the vibes and the sea breeze and the roar of the ocean – we are on the ground floor today, as the elevator is out of order and I don’t want to know, what the people passing by are thinking, when they see and hear us sing 😉 but then again, I really could not care less!

After my psycho oncology date with Caroline Scheulen, I have Indian lunch with Lars and meet his lovely girlfriend Maryam for coffee, who I have not seen for years! I am getting mentally prepared for two Kindergarten friends visiting us, but I enjoy it! It keeps my kids entertained and it is lovely to watch them having fun. Despite being tired, I look forward to my little travel adventure tonight, where Maryam might join us being Persian!

My eyes are burning and I wonder how I will ever manage a normal life again…. it’s Sunday, I make pancakes and rest on the garden sofa, read with the kids and give them water colours …. that is all I manage, but it is all I need today! My heart is filled with love and my kids are covered in water colours ❤️ I am exhausted, but happy!

I know I will get there, I know I will have the strength and I know it just needs some time!! I am not there yet, by far not, but I take babysteps…and I let my body rest and listen to my body! It is 3pm and I am not joining Markus and the kids, but rest…. and hopefully I will have the energy for tomorrow and my therapy appointments and the rest and maybe, I will have some energy tomorrow to finally get my head around the Untire app 😉😴

Being exhausted last night, I still could not sleep…. the lunar eclipse? The chemo pills? The heat? It’s like the cortisone push I used to have – tired, but cannot sleep, exhausted, but restless….

Therefore I feel like in a bubble today, vegetate through the morning and early afternoon until Markus and the kids leave for a BBQ invitation at Alex and Lea’s and I stay at home…. I will join them later, but I have hot flashes, am dizzy and super tired. Just a little rest is something I am longing to have since getting up…. and now is the time 🤗

It is not until 8pm I get up… and I clean myself up and go! And I am happy I join them at least for a little while, as the party is nice, I am happy to see a few people again, enjoy the food and watching the kids …. and I need to rush home, as I once again forget my chemo pills, but I am tired anyway! Good night 😂

Pfeww… 37 degrees until 7pm, but it is actually ok!

Highlights of my day are

1) Angela and I get our free post-chemo cuts with Tatjana Richartz, who made our wigs…I actually never wore mine and checked, if she could give it back, but that does not work, so I will probably donate it somewhere else, unless I want to keep it for dressing up…. I will think about it 😉

2) my host parents from Minnesota visit me…. we have not seen each other for 27 years and it is amazing! It just seems like yesterday we saw each other and despite a little aging, they have not changed at all! We just stay at my place, have waffles and a BBQ and chill and talk. The Irish lady and her German husband bring back great memories of Peter Rabbit, stirring Plumpuddings, dozens of Stollen baked with cream cheese, cat hair all over my clothes, as I forgot to close my wardrobe… „good girl“ molly the dog and lots of „Jesus, Mary and Joseph“s ❤️

Leo is sleeping, Mia tired, but still bubbling away next to me and I hope to see the lunar eclipse soon.

Yep…. hot… the alternative practitioner Frau Kakizaki does a reflexology foot massage and places her acupuncture needles to help bone pain, for cooling and in the „holy temple“ on top of my head ?!!? Whatever helps…. I look like a hedgehog, but it’s ok.

Next stop onchology – the temperature is already at 35 degrees, which I find already hot, when swimming, but on the tube it’s like sitting in an oven… chemo nurse Fassbender and the team are jolly – well, there is AC 😉 The pain in my hip every time I get up or sit down is bearable, but I just want to confirm today that it is normal and not some metastasis. It is not a side effect from chemo pills, but rather the previous chemo and radiation….Her trick of the day – continue taking vitamin D and pineapple juice against bone aches…. fresh from the juicer …. I shall give it a try.

Rehab is another subject…. I want to go in January, but it might fall into December…. there is no strategy yet, but there is no way I will go for Christmas…. I would never do that to my kids… never ever!

Across the street is Cafe Buur, where they sell unicorn bowls of which €2 go to DKMS LIFE…. it is cool, tasty and gives me a little break before going back into the sun…. home, kids, splashpool is all I can face right now!

Tomorrow I write about closeness and distance and I want to check out the untire app … but it is too hot and I am too tired! As Maja parts today for more than three weeks in Italy, I am glad that Simone is back from New York and joins us for splashpool fun with the kids! Jetlag and cancer fatigue …. what a team! I will mobilize the last energy and ride my tired bones to yin yoga at I’m possible yoga – outside!

Positivity!! I have always been a positive person and it really helps to get me through treatment, keeps me going and let me move on. There surely are ups and downs and the cancer journey isn’t a fun ride, but there is nothing I can do about it and to concentrate on the positive helps me, as I don’t have a choice anyway!

A smile will always help my mood and a laugh can lift me up! And I laugh a lot!

But there is also a downturn to this: Because I don’t moan all day, people always assume that I am alright…. people say… „you are so positive, you will beat the cancer“…. sorry to say, but positivity does not kill cancer. It helps and certainly can aid the recovery, but cancer is a beast and without my treatment, I could not survive… I have also learned to say, when I am not well – especially now that I look fit and healthy 😉 … or at least I try!

Furthermore, if it works for me, it does not necessarily work for someone else. Everyone has a different cancer story!! Don’t compare…. If you are generally not a positive person, why should you be one during cancer treatment?!? Everyone finds their own way through this, but what helps me a lot is the exchanges with my fellow cancer buddies….

Again, there are patients, who don’t want this closeness and especially in remission they try to distance themselves from the illness and that is absolutely ok and at some point for sure a good strategy. My chemo buddy Katja said after rehab, that she never ever wants to talk about cancer again!

For me, however, I get strength from my cancer buddies, I am still in treatment and am still not tired to talk about it – no matter, if it’s the ups or the downs we share….surely the downs and yes, especially death, hit me hard, but there is so much companionship, that it helps to share and we can even lift each other up and – at least for me – it means so much!

There are patients, who don’t want this close contact to other patients…. that is fine as well – we are all different, have our different ways to cope and please do us a favor – don’t stereotype….we give cancer a face, but we are still all individuals!!

After my running Mamas thrill today, I concentrate on …. surviving in tropical climate…. watermelon and splashpool… any recommendations??! And what was I thinking?!?! A hairdresser appointment at 5:00pm for my kids 🤦‍♀️ and before you ask – the smile is on my new shopping bag from Flying Tiger…. and I love it – €1 that puts a smile on my face ❤️

It is a hot hot summer, but a little iced coffee and a chat at Maja’s do the trick…. the main thing on my mind today is LASHES…. or rather parting lashes 😉

I finished the main chemos 5 1/2 months ago and last week I am suddenly loosing lashes …. not just a few, but a lot…. is this the regular renewal and as they all came back at the same time, they all leave together? Is it a side effect of my new chemo pills (I have the feeling that I am loosing hair as well, but it resists any hectic pulling and tearing of mine)?!? There are short stubbles, but less than half my lashes are left…. and my eyebrows suddenly seems ‚lighter’…. hmmm!

I check with my fellow cancer buddies – thank you #Instafriends…. always there when I need them – and it is the same for most of them… and it can apparently happen a few times past finishing chemo. The good news is that normally it levels out, meaning that the renewal is at some point slowly but surely staged and not simultaneously …. pfeww…. good that I know.

Energy levels are ok despite the tropical temperatures and since Leo has a ‚date‘ with Carla today, I have the pleasure of only taking one child to the public pool. I feel a bit tired, but how relaxing is that experience….it seems I always had two kids with me in the past, since I only had one summer with Leo alone before Mia was born…. the only drama – they sold out of french fries and basically any food part from icecream 😉

Chemo pills side effect of the day…. I helped Leo build LEGO yesterday and the skin on my thumbs is still sore from pushing the bricks in place….. hello?!? You must be joking…. extra cream tonight!!

Here we go again…. I am on the 8:20 flight from Munich to Cologne…. just like last Monday! Tired, but happy!

Due to high demand, the flight is operated by an Airbus A330, which is nothing unusual, but I have this long distance feeling, as I board the plane…. they show the distance of 435km and the world map on the screen – how I would love to just fly to Bali now… hmmm, but music therapy starts at 10:00 and I need to go back to Cologne into my little cancer world!

What motivates me? Yes, I look forward to seeing my kids again, booked my flights to London for late October and yes, music therapy is the highlight of my week…. someone from the ‚outside‘ world would just burst out laughing, thinking we are some sort of esoteric hare krisma singing circle standing on the roof terrace on the 12th floor, singing Hawaiian and Maori songs, but it does sooo much to me!

It is a hot day and I have flowers in my hair, see Kim dancing the hoola, am in the South Pacific in the crystal clear blue water, while sting rays float passed and my feet touch the sandy ground lined with palmstrees slowly dancing in the wind….the singing frees my body and mind, my voice is stronger and I am stronger….

Leaving my little South Pacific flower world, I see the psycho-oncologist and my to do is to cross off at least a third of any to do list I have 😉 I am happy to slowly make my way home, just need a quick referral from Prof. Dr. Breidenbach, buy bits and bobs and see Sonja for lunch….. I am so tired, but calm and happy and I think I am ready for this week… hopefully, but then again, it’s not that there are any alternatives anyway 😉

There is no energy for the rest of the day, it somehow I make it 8:00pm and I am off to bed now 😴…. please keep your fingers crossed that the kids will fall asleep soon!

Chillaxing with Micky…. hmmm…. I could stay forever…. reading, sauna, swimming in Eibsee….

In the late afternoon we are driving back to Munich, where it apparently rained all day….I am exhausted from doing nothing….happy as can be and look forward to seeing Anna & my nephews before going to Freising to stay with Anke & Jan and the kids 🤗

That’s it…. time with the people I love most! I enjoy these moments more intensely now….recharge my batteries with positive moments and happy memories!

Tomorrow I will arrive be back in Cancerville with appointments and Thursday my third cycle of chemo pills will start and it’s another step towards the end of treatment …. bring it on!