Today is a good day – busy, I still have a tummy ache, but good and I even manage to mediate before I cycle to radiation! It is nice to ride my bike, but choosing the wrong route results in me just being spot on time for my radiation slot at 8:50 sharp 😉

Anything I said about radiation before is at stake today, as they called me in 20 minutes late – mental note to myself: it does not do any harm to be a couple minutes early …. Frau Schöps and her zimmer frame are waiting already. She is tired and so am I and apparently this is not the weather, but a side effect…. I still think the weather plays a part though!

I manage sports, coffee and a rest before I pick up Leo from Kindergarten and Mehrnaz and Laetizia visit for a play date and it feels good. It feels normal and I want a little bit normal right now!

As a closure, I see Dr. Multhaupt, who is one of my many psycho oncologists, for a final session tonight. We decide that I am now in good hands with Anja Gattinger in Haus LebensWert and our ways part here. She helped me a lot on my way ….. which way? I don’t know, where I am going and where this is leading me to, but it does not really matter. I am more and more in the here and now and I am getting to know myself better and I accept what I cannot change, change what I want to change, find out what I want and try to do it. There are many people going a part of this way with me and everyone plays a different role and some come and go and some are here to stay!

I need to make sure to rest more and therefore I will have a quiet evening now!

Here she’s going on about it again – it is the first! Time to check your boobs and listen to your body! I still have a lump in my left breast, but it is getting better and as I am writing this, Mia comes in „go to hospital, my breast is hurting, need plaster“ 😂 …. ok, you get the point! Check yourself – it only takes a couple of minutes and it can save your life!

I realize that I need to look after myself a bit more and I am sending Markus with the kids to the zoo, as I need to cover from a dreadful night and the early bird shift!

Today is Mayday and there is a tradition in some regions in Germany, where the night before the 1st of May, men place young birch trees with colourful paper ribbons outside the houses of their open or secretly loved ones. This is not a tradition where I come from and therefore I never had one, but even when I moved to Cologne, where you see them everywhere with names on them avoiding ambiguity, which is often caused by the density in cities and multi flat houses – I never had one…. years of mentioning it, finally produced one in 2015 – Markus placed a wee one on our van, as we were traveling Europe for two months with baby Leo and stopped at my parents…. I never had one again though 😂! It is ok as I just love seeing them everywhere and as we are quite liberal in Cologne a lot of men get them as well. Love is all around ❤️

I start feeling funny as we are about to leave the house and run to the loo. Markus and the kids go without me and I feel lonely and sorry for myself. Tummy cramps and diarrhea make me think of bowel cancer, but it was probably just the fried eggs I had for lunch. I am glad I have the colonoscopy on the 18th…. it is probably nothing, but „it does not happen to me“ no longer works for me. Look after yourself!

Frau Schöps is very old and walks slowly with her Zimmer frame into the radiation center. I am ten minutes early today and we chat about cancer and radiation, being tired and living in the same neighbourhood… she had a mastectomy 30 years ago and there are new tumors around her scar and they spread… yep, it can always come back and I won’t even start on how unfair this is! Frau Schöps is optimistic though and takes one step at a time. The positive news – Paula’s tumor did not spread and that is excellent news!

I praise the efficiency in the radiation center and the Italian doctor confirms that in Italy, this would not be possible 😉 Honestly, I am called into radiation 8:48, undress, wait, radiation, dress myself again and am leaving the building at 9:00! Whoosh!

Sabrina, who I met at the blogger workshop picks me up and we drive to the university clinic, have coffee and she has her blood checked, while I have music therapy and a psycho oncology session….

Music therapy is wonderful – half the wonderfulness is due to the incredible view from the 12th floor, but it is the music that makes me happy and emotional. I chat to the psycho oncologist, which adds to this feeling and walk with Sabrina back to the car. She has a gene mutation, a lymphoma and leukaemia and really needs a donor, but handles everything so well!

I will help her organize a bone marrow donor registration with DKMS in Cologne! It is super easy, only takes one minute and can save lifes – her life for example!

Today is the first time since my diagnosis that I invited one of Mia’s friends over – Moritz and his Mum Marie. Let’s see how it goes and yes, it is a very nice afternoon and I am happy. I enjoy my kids, they seem to be happy and am proud of myself and even manage to go to yoga tonight. I am very emotional though, as I have not done any yoga since Bali, my conversation with the psycho oncologist is stuck in my head and during the end relaxation tears start running down my cheeks. I rush home, as Markus wants to go out tonight and the wind tries my tears, as I cycle through the park. I am tired, but happy and off to bed now, as I am on early bird shift tomorrow 😉

You did it again…. you are an asshole, you stupid cancer, and you don’t play fair! I hate you! You grew during my bosom buddy Paula’s first chemo and now during the second chemo as well?!? Not funny …. but you picked the wrong girl – she is badass! Thinking of you ❤️

I started to watch a movie last night… why do I always pick the wrong ones?!? Is Amazon Prime evil suggesting the wrong movies where people die of cancer?!? Can’t you have a cancer ratings just like a kids ratings? I get up early with the kids, but later take some time off and watch the rest of the movie only to realize that she actually dies! Why don’t they put info like this in the preview?!? Can I only watch Disney movies now?!? Well, even then you don’t have the guarantee…. surely sometimes the thoughts arise, the ifs, but that does not help…. surely I think about death as well, about my kids, especially since another cancer blogger died last week. Svenja – I never heard about her, but saw one of her videos… surely we can all die and it is something everyone has to live with……not only a cancer patient – here is to life and to living each day to the fullest!

After a cancer blogger workshop last weekend, most of the participants connected and chatted a lot and decided to be the „Invisible Army“. We feel that we are ambassadors for anyone connected with cancer and it is our responsibility to make cancer and the fight that often happens behind closed doors visible! Join us on Facebook today, be part of our finding process, see us develop and grow and help us to break the taboo!

The sun is coming out, I dry my tears, put on some makeup and join the family for some fun in the sun! It is a lovely day and we have dinner near the deer park!

I used to look forward to weekends, but now I am somehow dreading them… I love spending time with my kids, but I still don’t really have the energy for a full day of kids chaos! Maybe it is only the fear that I won’t manage and fail at being a good Mum…. am I the only one, who feels this way?!?

I actually get up early with Mia to give the boys a lay-in, manage to fulfill Leo’s pancake wish and actually have the power and nerves to simply enjoy it! On top of it, we actually make it to the market and visit the Montessori primary school fair for lunch. I love our local market, as the vendors are always the same, there are loads of flowers, local produce and there is this guy with the coffee cart, who does a wonderful soya latte, while the kids love the waffles and the freebies they get – I try to by local, regional and seasonal and the market makes it a really nice event. I get flowers and fruits, am really happy, enjoy atmosphere, love the time I spend with my kids, but I also appreciate Markus taking the kids to his parents in the afternoon to give me a chance to gain strength for the rest of the weekend!

I am home alone and realize that I have not meditated for ages. This is what I will do right now and I might sleep! If I have any energy left before the kids come home, I have the mission to sort out and tidy their wardrobes…. if…. maybe….or I might just relax for a change and read and save my energy for my kids! Enjoy your weekend!

Radiation 2/28 – I am early, everything clicks like clockwork today…. ready, taxi, traffic lights all green, in, radiation, out. If I had not been early, I would have spent no more than fifteen minutes in the building… wow!

Off I go to Frau Kakizaki, the non-medical practitioner …. pity I only notices two days ago that I should document what I eat for three days 😳 one day is documented, but she calls that her bike broke down have way to her practice and I get off the tube there and then. I could just go home, but since I am downtown I meet Sonja for a spontaneous coffee – she is my colleague (we started ten years ago on the same day with HRG) and my friend (and I was her maid of honour, as I set her up with one of Markus‘ friends 😉).

I could go home now, but instead I run some errands and go shopping….ahhhh… I have no money – but retail therapy is somehow something I need right now! Do I really? Or is it rather the feeling that I don’t want to stop, to rest, to think? Am I running away? What am I running away from? Am I keeping myself busy in order not to be at home? I hope I am not addicted to shopping yet…?!? After chemo shopping is one thing, but a daily shopping routine would definitely manoeuvre me into bankruptcy 🤦‍♀️ bam flat broke – but for today, I don’t care, am happy and am exhausted when I finally return home.

I rest and am relieved that the music school parent meeting has been cancelled. The girls are going out tonight, but so is Markus and therefore I cannot even consider going out and will sleep sleep sleep and whoop whoop no radiation tomorrow!

Radiation 1/28 – I do my last physio in the morning and am a bit nervous. My heart is ok and my body strong enough, which is something I am grateful for, but I do not know my way around the radiation business yet. Surely I will have the hang of it in no time being there almost every day for the next six weeks 😉

The staff is friendly, but it feels a bit like a factory with loads of patients going in and out. It is my turn and I shall remove my top and wait for my call while covered with the towel I brought along. I am a bit nervous, as I enter the room. There is a table and something that looks like a massive electric fluff remover… I need to lay on my back with my arms over my head – there are moulds into which I am being placed. My hip is adjusted and I shall not move…the the table is sliding slowly towards the radio head!

Today they need a bit more time to measure and draw the radiation fields onto my body… a bit more time means ten minutes… I thought I already had a lot of lines, but now I am covered with green and black lines. Let’s hope they stay….

Then it starts….A massive robot arm moves the radiation head around my body. It feels like I am part of a nuclear experiment or an astronaut in training, but it is actually more of a sun bed, but open to all sides. The radio head sends beams from my right through my breast, then does the same from my left, while I try to breath normally…. try, but my heart is actually beating really fast. The whole procedure does last maybe 5 minutes and it’s a wrap! See you tomorrow 😎

A doctor takes pictures of my war paint and my face, before I see Dr. Ricke, as I still have discharge from my breast and wonder, if I can continue with lymph drainage and if cabbage wraps are ok…. Dr. Ricke gives the go for Lymphdrainage once a week and cabbage leave, but looks a bit puzzled asking which cabbage I use 😂 „white“ and yes, I smell like Sauerkraut now and then….Here is an example of German efficiency at it’s best – I spent not even 30 minutes in this building.

I see my auntie Ingrid and uncle Sigi for lunch and treat myself to a beautician appointment (she plugged eyebrows, but just minimal 😉) and I notice that I am short of breath… and after meeting the kids and our household aid, I need to lay down, my eyes are burning, I cancel Simone for the evening and am now in my PJs waiting for Maja to pick up an outfit for Sunday before I plan to fall into a coma…. Good night!

I am happy about every single hair that is coming back into my life…. ok, I could have done without shaving my legs for another few months, but it is a price I am happy to pay! Nurse Fassbender said that once the hair comes back, everyone expects you to be back to normal again, but it is not. I am still facing radiation and another chemo, where I won’t loose my hair and I realize that it is easier to have a bald head as an ice breaker than to explain to everyone why I am currently not working. People think that I chose my hairstyle, but I did not and my bossom buddy Paula was called a bull dyke yesterday, when some idiots could not get passed her?!?! Can you believe that?!? It is a new aspect to our fight, a new level, we have to get used to… my friend Eva never lost her hair and looked extremely healthy during her cancer treatment, but we are not healthy…. we do not manage a normale life, do not have the energy, even if we look like it or wish we had, grit our teeth and take one day at a time and we smile and we laugh and we are still living a normal life, but at times it is hard and tough and tiring just to get up in the mornings! Kids help a lot though, as staying in bed is simply not an option 😉

Leukofighter Alex wrote about us as the army of the shades and Krabbamein Diana calls is the invisible army and this is what we are…. most of our cancers are not visible and our group gives cancer a face, while trying to give hope and information!

Off I go to the running Mamas for some armless sports and coffee before I rest and relax until the afternoon. I no longer need to draw eyebrows or put any make-up to pretend I am ok, nowadays I can leave the house as I am without feeling that I look ill and it makes life that little bit normal again! Our household aid will pick up Mia and take her to gymnastics, but I promised Leo to pick him up – am still in my sports outfit though…. in bed. I will chill with Leo and do as little as possible. I feel more exhausted than after some chemos. I am tired beyond belief, but I thought some exercise is good, as I can barely get up from sitting on the ground, my bones and joints are rusty and hurt and I feel like an old woman…. is this maybe due to the lack of cortisone?! I have no idea, but on top of it, my eyes are burning and my nose is running. At physio Frau Dietrich asked yesterday, if I ever considered maybe having a hayfever?!? Oh, please – just what I need now 😉 I am ignoring it and hope it will go away and yes, I look forward to an early night before I have my first radiation session tomorrow! Hmmm…. I should really read that leaflet they gave me a week ago … time to sort my paperwork again, I guess – story of my life 😉

Today I pay the price for yesterday … I am exhausted, but have a strange experience brushing my hair for the first time since September…. hmmmm…. it hurts a bit and to be honest, I don’t really notice a difference. I will not do that again and see for how long I can get away with it 🤔

Frau Dietrich at Physio manages improve the state of my breast and I am grateful – maybe it will be ok until Thursday!?!? I run some errands and go to querbeet, which is a kid’s store, but actually does great Latte macchiatos and I like to pop in now and then for a quick scroll and a chat with Jenny, who also used to live in London for a while… and then I sleep and chill until I pick up Leo.

I have my first InterNations meeting tonight. My friend Michelle said I should join them, as it is a well travelled international crowd of global minds and despite being busy enough, I thought I should give it a try! We meet at Maria Eetcafe, which is a cool place I have never been to. The crowd is international, it feels like traveling and I love it. It is being away from home at home…. in general, I don’t feel that I have enough time and energy to socialize a lot, but I will definitely fit in these InterNation events now and then, especially when being stuck here with daily radiations 😉

Today is a good day! It is sunny and I am in a good mood despite being tired!

Prof. Dr. Breidenbach praises my boob work & cabbage efforts! If it was primary school, I would get a star, as she did not expect the result to be this good – I shall continue and radiation can go ahead. I also got the go ahead for yoga, but should not lift anything with my left arm yet… no weights, no tubes, but I am extremely stiff and look forward to doing some exercise again!

I need to slow down a bit, but stop at Maja’s on my way home… I am all determined to relax more and take it easy after this weekend, but a quick coffee with Maja serves exactly that same purpose anyway and I will have time to chill before my heart echo appointment.

I bump into Wolfgang and my heart jumps…. we always met during chemo, he is much older than me, walks on a stick and is adorable. He was always one of the highlights during chemo, as there was a sense of calm cheekiness about him and I learned midway through chemo that we live in the same neighbourhood. Doing another chemo means that I will see some of the chemo faces again… Wolfgang, Tanja, Nurse Fassbender … I know it sounds strange, but I actually look forward to it – only from that perspective though.

Dr. Hellemann checks my out everything and I notice that my lines and crosses are coming off slowly 😳 – I will have to refresh the lines, where the plasters protecting them have come off….My ECG, heart echo and blood pressure are all fine though! I am ready for the next leg on my journey – radiotherapy here I come!

Tonight I am invited to join my colleagues from HRG at Mongos for dinner. I have not been working for two years now, since cancer followed my maternity leave, but it is great to be in touch and since I worked in a team spread all over Germany, I have not seen most of them since I was pregnant…. what a nice evening! It feels like I am still there and no time has passed….