I used to look forward to weekends, but now I am somehow dreading them… I love spending time with my kids, but I still don’t really have the energy for a full day of kids chaos! Maybe it is only the fear that I won’t manage and fail at being a good Mum…. am I the only one, who feels this way?!?

I actually get up early with Mia to give the boys a lay-in, manage to fulfill Leo’s pancake wish and actually have the power and nerves to simply enjoy it! On top of it, we actually make it to the market and visit the Montessori primary school fair for lunch. I love our local market, as the vendors are always the same, there are loads of flowers, local produce and there is this guy with the coffee cart, who does a wonderful soya latte, while the kids love the waffles and the freebies they get – I try to by local, regional and seasonal and the market makes it a really nice event. I get flowers and fruits, am really happy, enjoy atmosphere, love the time I spend with my kids, but I also appreciate Markus taking the kids to his parents in the afternoon to give me a chance to gain strength for the rest of the weekend!

I am home alone and realize that I have not meditated for ages. This is what I will do right now and I might sleep! If I have any energy left before the kids come home, I have the mission to sort out and tidy their wardrobes…. if…. maybe….or I might just relax for a change and read and save my energy for my kids! Enjoy your weekend!

Radiation 2/28 – I am early, everything clicks like clockwork today…. ready, taxi, traffic lights all green, in, radiation, out. If I had not been early, I would have spent no more than fifteen minutes in the building… wow!

Off I go to Frau Kakizaki, the non-medical practitioner …. pity I only notices two days ago that I should document what I eat for three days 😳 one day is documented, but she calls that her bike broke down have way to her practice and I get off the tube there and then. I could just go home, but since I am downtown I meet Sonja for a spontaneous coffee – she is my colleague (we started ten years ago on the same day with HRG) and my friend (and I was her maid of honour, as I set her up with one of Markus‘ friends 😉).

I could go home now, but instead I run some errands and go shopping….ahhhh… I have no money – but retail therapy is somehow something I need right now! Do I really? Or is it rather the feeling that I don’t want to stop, to rest, to think? Am I running away? What am I running away from? Am I keeping myself busy in order not to be at home? I hope I am not addicted to shopping yet…?!? After chemo shopping is one thing, but a daily shopping routine would definitely manoeuvre me into bankruptcy 🤦‍♀️ bam flat broke – but for today, I don’t care, am happy and am exhausted when I finally return home.

I rest and am relieved that the music school parent meeting has been cancelled. The girls are going out tonight, but so is Markus and therefore I cannot even consider going out and will sleep sleep sleep and whoop whoop no radiation tomorrow!

Radiation 1/28 – I do my last physio in the morning and am a bit nervous. My heart is ok and my body strong enough, which is something I am grateful for, but I do not know my way around the radiation business yet. Surely I will have the hang of it in no time being there almost every day for the next six weeks 😉

The staff is friendly, but it feels a bit like a factory with loads of patients going in and out. It is my turn and I shall remove my top and wait for my call while covered with the towel I brought along. I am a bit nervous, as I enter the room. There is a table and something that looks like a massive electric fluff remover… I need to lay on my back with my arms over my head – there are moulds into which I am being placed. My hip is adjusted and I shall not move…the the table is sliding slowly towards the radio head!

Today they need a bit more time to measure and draw the radiation fields onto my body… a bit more time means ten minutes… I thought I already had a lot of lines, but now I am covered with green and black lines. Let’s hope they stay….

Then it starts….A massive robot arm moves the radiation head around my body. It feels like I am part of a nuclear experiment or an astronaut in training, but it is actually more of a sun bed, but open to all sides. The radio head sends beams from my right through my breast, then does the same from my left, while I try to breath normally…. try, but my heart is actually beating really fast. The whole procedure does last maybe 5 minutes and it’s a wrap! See you tomorrow 😎

A doctor takes pictures of my war paint and my face, before I see Dr. Ricke, as I still have discharge from my breast and wonder, if I can continue with lymph drainage and if cabbage wraps are ok…. Dr. Ricke gives the go for Lymphdrainage once a week and cabbage leave, but looks a bit puzzled asking which cabbage I use 😂 „white“ and yes, I smell like Sauerkraut now and then….Here is an example of German efficiency at it’s best – I spent not even 30 minutes in this building.

I see my auntie Ingrid and uncle Sigi for lunch and treat myself to a beautician appointment (she plugged eyebrows, but just minimal 😉) and I notice that I am short of breath… and after meeting the kids and our household aid, I need to lay down, my eyes are burning, I cancel Simone for the evening and am now in my PJs waiting for Maja to pick up an outfit for Sunday before I plan to fall into a coma…. Good night!

I am happy about every single hair that is coming back into my life…. ok, I could have done without shaving my legs for another few months, but it is a price I am happy to pay! Nurse Fassbender said that once the hair comes back, everyone expects you to be back to normal again, but it is not. I am still facing radiation and another chemo, where I won’t loose my hair and I realize that it is easier to have a bald head as an ice breaker than to explain to everyone why I am currently not working. People think that I chose my hairstyle, but I did not and my bossom buddy Paula was called a bull dyke yesterday, when some idiots could not get passed her?!?! Can you believe that?!? It is a new aspect to our fight, a new level, we have to get used to… my friend Eva never lost her hair and looked extremely healthy during her cancer treatment, but we are not healthy…. we do not manage a normale life, do not have the energy, even if we look like it or wish we had, grit our teeth and take one day at a time and we smile and we laugh and we are still living a normal life, but at times it is hard and tough and tiring just to get up in the mornings! Kids help a lot though, as staying in bed is simply not an option 😉

Leukofighter Alex wrote about us as the army of the shades and Krabbamein Diana calls is the invisible army and this is what we are…. most of our cancers are not visible and our group gives cancer a face, while trying to give hope and information!

Off I go to the running Mamas for some armless sports and coffee before I rest and relax until the afternoon. I no longer need to draw eyebrows or put any make-up to pretend I am ok, nowadays I can leave the house as I am without feeling that I look ill and it makes life that little bit normal again! Our household aid will pick up Mia and take her to gymnastics, but I promised Leo to pick him up – am still in my sports outfit though…. in bed. I will chill with Leo and do as little as possible. I feel more exhausted than after some chemos. I am tired beyond belief, but I thought some exercise is good, as I can barely get up from sitting on the ground, my bones and joints are rusty and hurt and I feel like an old woman…. is this maybe due to the lack of cortisone?! I have no idea, but on top of it, my eyes are burning and my nose is running. At physio Frau Dietrich asked yesterday, if I ever considered maybe having a hayfever?!? Oh, please – just what I need now 😉 I am ignoring it and hope it will go away and yes, I look forward to an early night before I have my first radiation session tomorrow! Hmmm…. I should really read that leaflet they gave me a week ago … time to sort my paperwork again, I guess – story of my life 😉

Today I pay the price for yesterday … I am exhausted, but have a strange experience brushing my hair for the first time since September…. hmmmm…. it hurts a bit and to be honest, I don’t really notice a difference. I will not do that again and see for how long I can get away with it 🤔

Frau Dietrich at Physio manages improve the state of my breast and I am grateful – maybe it will be ok until Thursday!?!? I run some errands and go to querbeet, which is a kid’s store, but actually does great Latte macchiatos and I like to pop in now and then for a quick scroll and a chat with Jenny, who also used to live in London for a while… and then I sleep and chill until I pick up Leo.

I have my first InterNations meeting tonight. My friend Michelle said I should join them, as it is a well travelled international crowd of global minds and despite being busy enough, I thought I should give it a try! We meet at Maria Eetcafe, which is a cool place I have never been to. The crowd is international, it feels like traveling and I love it. It is being away from home at home…. in general, I don’t feel that I have enough time and energy to socialize a lot, but I will definitely fit in these InterNation events now and then, especially when being stuck here with daily radiations 😉

Today is a good day! It is sunny and I am in a good mood despite being tired!

Prof. Dr. Breidenbach praises my boob work & cabbage efforts! If it was primary school, I would get a star, as she did not expect the result to be this good – I shall continue and radiation can go ahead. I also got the go ahead for yoga, but should not lift anything with my left arm yet… no weights, no tubes, but I am extremely stiff and look forward to doing some exercise again!

I need to slow down a bit, but stop at Maja’s on my way home… I am all determined to relax more and take it easy after this weekend, but a quick coffee with Maja serves exactly that same purpose anyway and I will have time to chill before my heart echo appointment.

I bump into Wolfgang and my heart jumps…. we always met during chemo, he is much older than me, walks on a stick and is adorable. He was always one of the highlights during chemo, as there was a sense of calm cheekiness about him and I learned midway through chemo that we live in the same neighbourhood. Doing another chemo means that I will see some of the chemo faces again… Wolfgang, Tanja, Nurse Fassbender … I know it sounds strange, but I actually look forward to it – only from that perspective though.

Dr. Hellemann checks my out everything and I notice that my lines and crosses are coming off slowly 😳 – I will have to refresh the lines, where the plasters protecting them have come off….My ECG, heart echo and blood pressure are all fine though! I am ready for the next leg on my journey – radiotherapy here I come!

Tonight I am invited to join my colleagues from HRG at Mongos for dinner. I have not been working for two years now, since cancer followed my maternity leave, but it is great to be in touch and since I worked in a team spread all over Germany, I have not seen most of them since I was pregnant…. what a nice evening! It feels like I am still there and no time has passed….

I am exhausted and try to chillax with the kids most of the day …. It is a contradition in itself, I know, but they actually can chill…. sometimes…. and I only need to leave in the afternoon for Düsseldorf, where the Blogger4Charity event takes place. A virtual meets reality event for me – I look forward to meeting a few of my Insta contacts!

Sturmfreie Bude is a great setting and the Beo Yalcin’s musicians created a beautiful atmosphere – wow to so much talent in one location. Nathalie has done a wonderful job to motivate people to donate for the support of children and their families by fulfilling their biggest wishes and helping young women to feel good despite having cancer! I am meeting up with DKMS LIFE, who supports the event and will organize a large event with Blogger4Charity in Berlin next year! Thank you for all your efforts – this is what makes a difference!

Markus is working a night shift, but I meet him on the doorsteps…. I send our babysitter Pam home and bring the kids to bed. I am tired, but it fills me with joy and only had the energy now to crawl across the hallway into my bed and post my blog entry, check out my goodie back and let the impressions of this weekend sink…. I met inspirational people, spoke a lot about cancer and saw the good that can develop from it….. I have a new hashtag on my mind – Benni’s #morehumorthantumor – feel drenched, but empowered at the same time and mentally prepare myself for a busy week ahead. Radiation starts on Thursday (unless Prof. Dr. Breidenbach throes in her veto last minute 😉)….

Tummy cramps and aches is something I have been living with for years along with frequent changes of bowel movements, but nowadays I worry about it! I check, if I notice any of the bowel cancer symptoms…. and I do, but there is no weightloss 😉 Thank goodness for the colonoscopy scheduled for the 18th May…. and thank goodness for being asleep while they do it!

The issue with cancer is that you see your body in a different light and you think about the ifs and whats a bit more often…. it is only normal, as I did not notice anything when the beast was growing in my breast and since the chemo was not able to kill it all together, my mind is not as straight forward as it used to be…. thankfully I do not freak though and it is something I will have to live with for the rest of my life anyway!

I spend the day in Gastraum Köln, a great loft, which Janssen Oncology rented to run their first Blogger Workshop with 12 cancer bloggers. The subjects cover clinical research, blogging from a psycho oncological perspective, web searches & social media analytics, patient communications & exchange …. it is fruitful, positiv, inspiring. Thanks for the exchange, listening, sharing, organizing this wonderful day accompanied by great food, a sensitive photographer and a wonderful artist, who graphically documented the day …. I will share the information about the other 11 bloggers below!

I am on a high flying home to see my kids and tomorrow I will report about the Blogger4Charity event in Düsseldorf!

Check them out! Fuck Cancer – das Leben mit Krebs und der Kampf (Braintumor), MaiRose & Krebskillerin (Breastcancer), Cancelling Cancer – Kein Weg zu weit (Bowelcancer), Krabbamein – der Krebs und ich (Thyroidcancer), Leukofighter – mein unglaublicher Kampf gegen die Leukämie & Always keep fighting – My Life My Story – My Life with Cancer (Leukaemia), Schockdiagnose Krebs – und plötzlich ist alles anders (Tongue/ Throat cancer), Auf einmal war er da (Yolk-Sac-Tumor), Gesundheit ist nicht alles – aber ohne Gesundheit ist alles nichts (Salivary Gland cancer), Krebstierchen (Soft tissue cancer)

Today is Mama and Leo Day, as Kindergarten is closed – it is sunny, warm and we are meeting Leo’s buddies in Boulder Planet, go to Burger King and hang out in our garden!

I am exhausted and realize that I am not fit yet for a full day with kids…. I need to get out and actually make it to Filos to meet the girls, who I first met in the prenatal weekend class pre Leo. When we all part, I have a last little glass of wine with my cousin Sylvie, who lives across the street. It is a mild summer evening and the streets are packed – it’s mid April 😉

Yes, we talked about cancer and yes, I am a bit sad today that I can’t say that it is all over soon, but I am ok that it takes longer and am willing to do whatever it takes. I was unable to see Prof. Dr. Breidenbach today to check my breast, but she will see me on Monday…. It is much better, but still has not healed properly. Well, since I know now that the radiation people will radiate anything, I am quite keen to get the go ahead from my doctor before it all starts on Thursday 😉

I ride my bike through the little streets off Turiner Straße, where the radiology center is. There is a huge construction site and I have problems finding the back entrance, but make it just on time. It is early in the morning, but the air is warm, the sun is bright and I am ready to get sewing patterns drawn all over me… I am laying on my back ready to whoosh into the CT scanner, the upper part of my body is naked and a nice doctor covers me up with my t-Shirt. It does not even feel weird anymore to lay somewhere naked…. the amount of people, who look at my boobs, touch them, scan them and talk about them is increadible and in a way, it has become something like having your feet measured…. absolutely normal!

Then everyone is there and despite feeling normal just a minute ago, I suddenly feel like a piece of meat. A roast, which is being prepared to be shoved in the oven…. I slide into the CT scanner, out and two women draw lines and crosses on my torso. It is actually not too bad, as my tumor area is apparently easily spotted and they tape the lines with plasters to prevent that they wash off too easily! I feel a bit like a crash test dummy, but what bothers me more is the fact that the therapy will end 11 June – no QM2 and no Berlin?!? Dr. Ricke sees me again and adjusts the appointments due to all the public holidays and the therapy suddenly ends 8 June and it works around the Berlin trip …. whooohoooo! Thank you!

I find the ideal bike route, have a coffee at Simone’s and another one at Maja’s to book our train ticket!!! Can’t wait! Berlin, Berlin, we are going to Berlin 🎶🎵

In the meantime, the revision department from my health insurance has declined my appeal against the cutting of the household aid, while I was recovering in Bali…. the comment is „unreasonable“. Well, do whatever you want. I find it sad that the bureaucracy is this narrow minded and that they pay for my household aid, when in rehab, but not when recovering in Bali, which was probably much more efficient than any rehab, but with no cost for them…. anyhow, it is not worthwhile to loose any sleep over it.

Off I go to talk about colonoscopy in hospital and am sitting in St. Vinzenz Hospital in the dark endoscopy department waiting for my appointment. But it won’t be long …. I hope…. and this afternoon the kids and I can try the new inflatable splash pool, which I bought today – hello summer 😎