22 January 2018

I have a cold, a sore throat and I am doing nothing!! Promise! I think a lot about Sandra, exchange memories & pictures with our little circle of girlfriends from school…. we were really close and shared so many memories. I will always be really close to them, even though we are not regularly in touch and all live in different cities and countries.

Muriel sent me this hilarious book Cancer and the City – it is a French comic about cancer and I love it… it shows the whole journey, but is done in such a nice way! Informative, serious and funny!

I feel really old today – I can hardly walk up and down the stairs and there is no way I will even consider going to yoga! No way! Markus is happy that he can go to his sports tonight then!

Despite having no energy and feeling sorry for myself, I did look for yoga, meditation and quietness in Bali ❤️

21 January 2018

I am so shocked and so sad. I found out last night that my school friend Sandra died in a car accident on Friday. We have not been in touch for almost five years, but I knew her already from primary school, we shared so many memories, went horseback riding for years, tried rowing, were in a basketball team, shared ups and downs…. Sandra has two daughters, I just cry thinking about her family and I cannot believe it. I was sure to meet her this year for our 25 year high school reunion! I am still in shock….

My cousin also had a terrible car accident last week, but he was lucky and it was a miracle he survived.

We take it all for granted, but have to treasure each person and live each moment. When you have cancer, you think about the possibility of death, but suddenly being taken away like this, feels unreal and so unfair!

YOLO – you only live once ❤️

20 January 2018

Chillaxing with one of my best friends – best therapy ever ❤️ Anne points out that I have a massive number reading issue with my chemo brain, as I read out some numbers and prices to her and apparently say them all in the wrong order …. hmmm…. mental note to self – no more online banking post chemo!

I read an article yesterday (yep, one day post chemo and I am able to read again!) that the compulsory mammography scans are not bringing the results they were supposed to bring – especially as there is no point having them prior to 50, as the breast tissue is too dense, „young“ cancer patients like me (in cancer terms, I am considered being a spring chicken at 44 😉) are missing out on being diagnosed early enough…. the good news is that there might be a blood test that can determine, weather you have cancer or not! This is why cancer research needs to be supported!!

What a coincidence – as I plan my trip to Bali, the best option is to fly via Singapore! A friend of mine is traveling the same day from Melbourne to Singapore and we will spend a one night in Singapore. Silke will only join me later anyway, so this is a winwin for all of us and makes my eastbound journey very relaxed and I can catch up with my friend! All is booked now – will be in Bali 16th February – 2nd March 🙏

My granddad would have been 110 today and I am taking a trip down memory lane. This afternoon I am meeting my friend Holger – we were in love when I was 18, but I was too shy to admit it …. teenage troubles…. he then found himself another girlfriend and I was heartbroken. We have been back in touch for a while and I am very happy that we sorted it out. Life is too short for problems and I am even more eager to get rid off any issues since I have cancer! If there are misunderstandings/ problems, I like to talk about them, overcome any issues, forgive other people or myself and move on! I am more in the here and now, try not to look back with regret and not to plan too much for the future…. that is at least what I try to do 😉

We scroll through the rainy Frankfurt, chat away and have dinner and drinks before taking the trains in different directions.

19 January 2018

Instagram’s Paulina posted that her tumor did not much care about the EC chemo and I have to think about her all the time. They will operate next week now and then try another chemo – there are options and that is great, but it is scary and I cannot stop thinking about her ❤️ it also makes me appreciate even more that my tumor is gone, as it is not uncommon that chemo does not work, but luckily chemo is only one of the steps! Cancer, it is not fair how you play, but you messed with the wrong girl! Go Paulina 👍🏻

I am going to Frankfurt to stay with Anne & her family …. whooohooooo! Cannot wait to see her – Thank you Markus for staying with the kids!

Due to hurricane Friederike, almost all trains are cancelled, but I am able to catch a later super fast one and despite a 45 minutes delay due to a missing train conductor, I still arrive at the same time I was supposed to be there 🎉 Lucky me!

I did shave my head again…. I had the feeling my hair was falling out and I looked ill. I am a proper Mr. Clean again! Unfortunately I had to say good bye to a few lashes as well 😢, but I am ok with it this time around. The end is near! And I started coughing again…. I will monitor it, as I cannot face another pneumonia! Ok, maybe I am exaggerating a bit and hypochondriac, but I cannot read or trust my body anymore, when it comes to my immune system. It is still doing a great job with all the chemo poisons, but is too busy for the normal wee colds nowadays. We will see! I have a sauna date with the girls on Sunday and hope I will be fit – fingers crossed!

Side effects from chemo – numb fingers and feet, very dry skin inside and out, bone aches, light skin irritations, hunger and water retention (also in my face … well, I do not have any wrinkles now 😉). It could be worse though and a good night’s sleep really helped! Total weight gain – 4kgs and I hope it won’t be more.

I am chilling on Anne’s Sofa skipping the kids‘ afternoon activities and look forward to some quality girlfriend time later on ❤️

A new thing I discovered, are inspirational podcasts…. I am trying a few! The boring ones help me to sleep…. any recommendations???Our 14€ Sushi lunch.....

18 January 2018

Life is like a bag of candy – you only know what something tastes like, when you actually try it….. Hurray it’s chemo day!

What a night…. Mia was crying a lot, basically slept on top of me and in short intervalls and I didn’t 🙄. I stayed up late with Anke and chatted, but had to run all the time to look after Mia, who wants her „Mamaaa“ and wish I had more time with her, but she is already on her way back to Munich after bringing a bag of sunshine into my life and I have a chemo date. My eyes are burning and red and I look forward to sleeping!

I do ask chemo nurse Fassbender in an hopeless attempt, if the cortisone could be reduced a little bit – no chance…. what a surprise!

Frau Fassbender promises that all will be normal again after the end of chemo and always has encouraging words. Only three chemos left now! …. might as well stuff my face with the licorice Caroline sent from Sweden 😜

I am calm and happy as I leave – there is a massive storm, but it’s sunny and I feel gratitude. What for? I don’t know…. the sun, being alive with relatively little side effects, the nice people in bearsalad & more, who prepare my weekly carrot juice and a jacket potato, as I sit there, wait for my order and watch the people being blown away! They actually help each other and that also makes me happy.

I organized a playdate with Steffi and the kids at Simone’s and sleep all afternoon. Markus took the car to work today and picks them up. They break down with the car, but actually right outside our house. I will sleep now, Markus will go to play sports and we deal with that tomorrow!

17 January 2018

„You were supposed to be here 10 minutes ago!“ …. I forget an 8:10h appointment with Frau Dietrich, put on a coat and ride my bike in my PJs to the physio therapy ….. it snowed during the night and the road is really slippery, but I make it and she does the lymphdrainage, tells me that my weightgain is mainly water retention due to cortisone and fixed a dislocated bone in my hand, which will hopefully be ok soon 😉

By the time I stop home to put my sportswear on and slowly ride to Nippes, the running Mamas have already left and I am running all over the place until I finally meet them, quick coffee, shower, Anke is already in Cologne and we rush to the genetics test.

The doctor scribbles a large family tree on a piece of paper and I have to send quite a few messages to my Mum to find out family connection, birthdates and illnesses and she makes three attempts to take some blood. I have plasters everywhere 🙄. I will get a letter saying that the results are there in four weeks time and will have to come back!

Anke and I have time for a coffee and scroll through town. It is wonderful to chat away and I wish she would stay longer ❤️

16 January 2018

Sleep – restless, energy level – zero, mood – down, bones – hurt….. poor me 😉

My tummy cramps and for the first time I think „oh, another tumor“ … stupid! But apparently normal!

Thank God I have a breakfast date, the kids are back today, I am going out with the girls tonight and my friend Anke from Munich is visiting for one night tomorrow. She is one of these friends, who I don’t see a lot, but it is like time does not pass…. and we are sooo much alike! We met in Ealing, where I started uni with my flight attendant buddy Jan, who was her boyfriend…. sometimes I wonder about the ifs… if I had studied architecture, I would not have accepted the temp flight attendant job, would not have met Anne, would not have met Jan, would not have ended up in Ealing, would not have gone to sea and what if I had been with Holger, Rob or Nick…. yet another story 😉

I spend yet another morning in Café Pause, with Simone and Hannah…. This is kind of my therapy. I sit with Hannah until the afternoon, and Tatjana comes in and chats to me, Nina joins us for a quick coffee and we talk and talk and talk….now I am ready for the rest of the day! Thank you, girls 😘

Pan Clinic gives me the paperwork for the genetics test and Holweide gives me the operation timelines. I will have to meet Prof. Dr. Warm 5th of March and the operation will be on the 8th, which means that I have a travel window between the 14th Feb and 5th March, which should be enough…. Bali, here I come. I feel guilty for traveling without my kids, but will probably come back on the 1st to spend some quality time with them before going to hospital…. I do need the time to recharge my batteries!

I am taking a train to Hagen, where Mum hands over the kids half way … I cannot wait! And I am glad that Leo calls and says that he actually looks forward to coming home ❤️

15 January 2018

Chemo drenches any liquid out of your body. My throat, my skin, all is dry and despite permanent moisturizing, it is getting worse! Thank god the end is near and kudos to all the endless supply of lotions and cremes I have been given – how did you guys know?!?

To treat my skin, I am seeing a beautician today. Margot Hornecker was nice and a fellow breastcancer survivor, but was fully booked and I was more wowed by her prices than by the experience! Therefore I tried Melanie’s recommendation vis a vis in the Syringe pharmacy today. This Persian lady is funny, I grow an inch after all her compliments and my skin feels really nice afterwards and…. tatatataaaa….she tints my new blond eyebrows and – wow – I have eyebrows again! Sure everyone says that I look well, etc., but when I look in this face without (visible) eyebrows in the morning, it is a cancer patient, who looks back at me…. hurray to my eyebrows! What a difference ❤️

„I want to stay longer and Mia wants to stay longer too!“ …. I miss my kids, but that is the only information I am getting on the phone. Well, better than the other way around – we are extending their stay…and I miss them!

I try to coordinate all my appointments, try to register for music or art therapy, try to find out when the operation is and get frustrated, as there are everywhere too many people involved! I visit PAN Clinic and HRG to get my paperwork done, which chemo brain forgets at PAN Clinic, have a coffee with Sonja and rush to physio in Müngersdorf. The physio lady is nice, but somehow I am always in a bad mood, when I leave, as I do not get all the exercises and feel like an idiot.

I have no energy to make a decision on our skiing trip and I am worried that it will be too much…. Post operation is no option, but I will see, if we can go skiing locally instead. I just don’t want to jeopardize it all together…

I am really tired again, but work on the paperwork for the genetics test, notice that I need a referral from PAN clinic….. daaaa…. I could have easily gotten that today and I am in a foul mood now. I have no energy, feel exhausted and cannot cope with these mood swings… I was a bit melancholic this morning, but cheered up and I don’t know what happened!! I feel lonely, sad and I could cry….. Just like that 😢

I have to make an effort to go to yoga….but maybe I will just go to bed.

Old eyebrow hairs on the right hand side: two – new ones: millions 🤗

14 January 2018

Writing a blog is like talking to the universe… in a way! I blog about licorice and ….whooop… Caroline and Eva send me licorice …. I wonder what else I could write about 😉 Thanks!!

It is a beautiful sunny day, the kids are at my parents, I can sleep and ….. have a massive cold 🙄 It is annoying, as my sinuses are really dry and I have a few nose bleeds lately…No sauna, no swimming, but maybe a walk?!? Thank God I got myself a weekly newspaper yesterday …. just some coffee now and I can spend the morning in bed ❤️

I still have difficulties reading. The newspaper articles are too long… My concentration span is almost zero….I don’t even try to read any books, but Olivia sent me The Wisdom of Sundays by Oprah Winfrey – a book with short statements, which is easy to read… and inspirational! Thanks, Oli! Newspaper, Oprah and by the afternoon maybe a novel….!?!?

One thing I have to do is fill in the paperwork for my genetics test on Wednesday. „Can you print something at home? Then it is enough, if you show up at 1.30pm!“ – Sure, little did I know that she was talking about 48 pages!?? Well, I will have a look at it today. The test is there to see, if I carry the BRCA1 or BRCA2 gene mutation that are connected to hereditary breast cancer and known since Angelina Jolie had her breasts removed. It is important not only for me and the planned operation, but also for any of my relatives, who would also need close check ups, if I carry it.

I actually spend all day in bed, reading, watching a movie, on the phone…, but I needed it so much. I know that I spend way too much time on the phone and in the social media, but it is is easy and does not take much concentration….am actively reducing it though. In a way, they play different roles … Facebook is the ‚blast from the past‘ with all my shipmates and Insta is my cancer world and funnily enough, I feel really close to these cancer girls, who I have never met, but chat with now and then….and my Facebook Kick Cancer Chick page combines both shipmates & cancer and my daily life & childhood friends are popping up in all medias…Pinterest is my interior design world, but for some reason, I have completely lost interest since my diagnosis – actually the entire subject does no longer interest me. I wanted to be an interior designer or architect since I was a young girl, which makes it strange… I did check out tattoos on Pinterest though…. I have never been a tattoo person, as my taste changes quite frequently, but maybe I will get a post cancer tattoo!??!

13 January 2018

The kids are fit and off we go! They are so happy to stay with my parents and it makes it so much easier to leave….. perfect!

We are meeting Markus‘ friends from uni for lunch in Schloss Rheydt and since three of them are now married to three of my girlfriends, we both profit equally 😉

I did not see Silke since our Yoga weekend the day after I was diagnosed and we have plenty to discuss, as she wants to join me in Bali for the first week before meeting her husband in Thailand for a diving holiday.

Looks like I will do a back-to-back Karneval, skiing, Bali…. I will have plenty happy moments to pack into my little suitcase to manage the next steps! 😎

Off to the cinema to „Loving Vincent“!