I feel like I partied all night… I wish 😉 I am dizzy and weak and hope my energy returns tomorrow!
Yesterday everyone commented on how well I look – easy trick …. cortisone makes rosy cheeks! Today I spend almost all day in bed and sleep a lot, while Markus is out and about with the kids. Additionally I am still busy trying to get one of the completely sold out Tonies Boxes for Xmas, as I – idiot – talked Leo into wanting one.
Reading is not possible, but I listen to the audiobook Am Arsch vorbei ist auch ein Weg, which I downloaded after my first operation in hospital. The author is reading it herself and her voice is sooo tiring and the book is so boring, that I fall asleep all the time 😉
There are a lot of cancer stories out there and the more I get into the subject, the bigger the subject gets…. a lot of people don’t talk about it for all different reasons and it is up to each individual how they want to handle it. Since I went public with my story, a lot of people told me their unknown or secret cancer stories and it seems that cancer is everywhere, but most of the stories I heard have a happy ending ❤️ never give up!
Finally managed to capture my amazing – though probably temporary – hair growth ❤
No more coughing, but I get my revenge for yesterday – I am exhausted! I still manage to decorate the tree with Leo and go to the Kulturkirche Christmas market meeting lots of friends and kids… I am freezing though and shivering when I arrive back home and have to cancel my evening plans – yes, that is what I do nowadays 😉 good girl!! Hot water bottle and a cup of tea – what an exciting Saturday evening….
Something amazing happened today though….my hair is still growing!! I did have to shave my head after hospital, but now there is new hair again and it seems to grown quite strongly … I tried to take a picture, but it is really light coloured. It will probably stop growing soon, when I am back on chemo track, but I am amazed how fast it grows, will shave it off again and look forward to enormous hair grow at the end of chemo 😀
Doro sent me Aloe Vera goodies from Fuerteventura – I love the gloves and socks, which make really soft hands and feet and I do use the gel, but sorry…. I cannot make myself drink that stuff on an empty stomach yet…. maybe it is the bottle, which looks like shower gel, but I will soon make an effort….. promise 🤢
I definitely overdid it today. It was not really my fault though for having an physiotherapist appointment at the other end of town in the wee hours of the morning though. Then I had lots of things to do in town, met auntie Ingrid & Mom for lunch and more running around. I think it was a side effect of the chemo though, as I felt exhausted and tired, but at the same time had the urge to do everything for Christmas TODAY… mind you, I did by myself some presents as well. Prof. Dr. Breidenbach had mentioned that that can happen – treating yourself to something nice to make up for the stuff you are going through 😉 I did bump into Hannah though and had a little coffee & rest. Home, baking cookies with the kids and bringing them to bed … pfewwwww! I am knackered!
I pack food, books, earphones and Christmas cookies for the nurses and off I go. My blood is good and chemo #8 is on it’s way! They always order them from a pharmacy across the road and it is only mixed just before I get it. While I wait, I manage to do today’s mediation and then they put the first drip and immediately I feel sooo tired. The cortisone pushes you and it is responsible for the restlessness and sleepless nights, but the painkiller I get first, makes my eyelids really heavy. No reading, no watching movies, but I listen to an audio book and dose off. Having missed two chemos, Prof. Dr. Breidenbach will decide after my check-up in January with Dr. Reiser, if I can skip any of the next 8 chemos or continue until February. I have to check Bali‘s volcano anyway, so there is no rush 😉
Claudia arrives a bit later, so I rest first and only start chatting with her, as the third bag – the chemo itself – mighty Paclitaxel (known as T) runs through my port into my blood vessels. Today they cool my hands and feet while I have the T, though nurse Theis does not really think that it will make a difference. My fingertumbs are really numb now and I don’t like typing, but hey, it is worth a try 😉
Already in hospital I no longer tasted the NaCl flushing my port on my tongue. They are doing it slower now, but maybe my taste buds have given up on salty!?!? My tongue looks funny and they tested it and will get the results next week. Claudia leaves before me and shares some licorice – licorice is something that really works for me and I love it! There is the Bärendreck Apotheke, licorice heaven, just a few houses down the street and I send Claudia there, who cannot believe that she has never been there… especially the very pure licorice can help so well with the chemo sickness!
As I get up, I am all dizzy and tired and I feel my head is under a huge diving bell…. I am not a high blood pressure candidate anyway ;). I take the taxi home, eat something and sleep like a baby. The kids are at Nina’s again and I am so grateful, as I can peacefully sleep and Mom is here and pampers me – being all dizzy, I am glad I am not alone today ❤
When the going gets tough, the tough get going – Tabea and the running Mamas are training despite the cold and the rain, but we sit for ages in the Klee’snack Cafe afterwards hugging the radiator… cold and wet is not ideal, but I took it easy. It is the second day without antibiotics and I feel the coughing is getting a bit worse, but try to inhale a bit more to be fit tomorrow.
The subject of the day is silicone implants and one of the running Mamas is wondering, if they are being removed after you die or if you are buried with them!??!? What a thought…I seriously do not get it… are there environmental concerns!?!? It was a fun morning though 😉
Well, I see the dentist (I am not allowed to use the special toothpaste for more than three months and they recommend something else) and pick up Leo from Kindergarten to… how do I put this the right way without coming across like an iceskating mom: We visited Speaker’s Corner, who have English playgroups for kids, who are three and older and it is just around the corner from where we live. It was actually good fun and Leo enjoyed it and we will be there next week again before we decide, if he will continue. No worries, he is not starting Mandarin and violin yet, but I often talk in English and he always asks about it 😉
While Mia is at gymnastics with Anja, Leo and I prepare cookie dough and fresh carrot juice. Mom arrives and I use the evening to finally clean up my bedroom, sort all my paperwork, pay all overdue invoices and get my stuff ready for tomorrow – I wanted to do that for weeks and it is such a relief. I have the urge to make the most of today, while my head is clear and I am under less chemo… and I will spend time with Mom now and try to read, as I will probably loose my concentration again by tomorrow… Carpe diem!
Tough ain’t enough – soaking wet after training with Simone 😉
After a lazy morning, I see psycho oncologist Beate Rahn and funnily enough, I can see her again in January…. She says that the fact that my head is clearer and I can concentrate on reading books, is probably due to the chemo pause – therefore I have to hurry with my next book before chemo on Thursday! I really hope it will go ahead.
From Holweide I go straight to see psycho no. 2, Dr. Kroll-Fratoni, an American guy. He agrees to fill in the paperwork required by the insurance company, says that he will put adjustment disorder regarding my breastcancer situation and recommends two psychotherapists. He also recommends someone the kids can see, if I feel they have issues. Haus LebensWert is the psycho oncologist service of the Uni Klinik and the offer a lot of activities for cancer patients and nurse Fassbender is also raving about it…. I shall check it out!
Having talked with two psychos about what I do, how I handle the situation, how my kids and Markus are, how I look after myself, etc., really does my head in…. it’s all mushy peas. Today I missed my stop at Holweide and also the one for Dr. Kroll-Fratoni – Chemo Brain is not completely gone 😉
I just finished the last nude art session – it really takes my mind of everything and the psychics…..
Cologne is green and rainy again and I am back in my busy life, but at a much slower pace. The coughing is almost gone and my voice is still a bit rough, but coming back 🙂
I see my gynecologist, Dr. Rix, for the first time since seeing her with the lump in my breast on 28 August. She hugs me and we chat for a while. There were actually six or seven women, who she sent to Prof. Dr. Breidenbach and Katja was the first, all were young, the youngest being 28… she said that I am handling the cancer in a good way and that she would make the same choices I have made, compliments me on writing a blog and says some people have been successful writing their stories … and I know immediately that she is talking about Nicole Staudinger – the quick-wittedness queen!
Having been in hospital I was unable to get a new sick note from Prof. Dr. Breidenbach, therefore I organize this quickly, drop it off at work and say hello to my colleagues. The administration around cancer is annoying. Every four weeks I have to get a new sick note and drop one off at work and send another one to my insurance company. Welcome to Germany with all it forms, rules and regulations. Guess what – the psychologist, who I will see tomorrow, will have to fill a certain form (PTV 11) and the insurance company pointed out that he will have to enter a certain code and I should double check. With this form and a code, I then call this appointment service number of the Association of SHI Physicians North Rhine, who arranged this appointment for me, again and they will find a psychologist, who I can see in the future… and you do not have a say in the where and who 😉
I am suppose to have lunch with Armin, one of Markus friends, who is wonderful, but Katja calls. I have not seen her since her last chemo and she had also just been to Dr. Rix, so I decide, if I take a taxi, we can quickly meet and catch up… Her hair is already growing again. It is very soft and does not look like the down some of the cancer pictures show, but it actually looks like proper hair. Well, from pictures I know that she had a lot of hair beforehand – so did I and that is a nice perspective! She will also keep her hair short and apart from facing radiation next, she is well and suddenly has these remarkable eyelashes…. I probably focus mainly on eyebrows and lashes now, as I am terrified of every single lash I loose at the moment and my eyebrows are a dilemma.
Taxi to meet Armin, lymph drainage, groceries and Christmas party in Leos Kindergarten…. I do rest as well though, inhale and will have a lazy morning tomorrow!
I finish the day with yoga and on my way home I get a chicken Dürüm again, which is – and this is scary – almost like my pavlovian response to yoga now…. ahhh – how ironic?!?! But at least I am eating 😉
This is the first time Leo actually draws something recognizable (it’s Nikolaus and not a cockatoo!!) …. proud Mummy Me ❤
Oh what a beautiful day! Note to self – always check the weather app before taking the bike anywhere in December. I thought a little excercise and fresh air would be beneficial, so we take the bikes to Simone’s for breakfast. It is 10.00am, a bit cold, but a nice and dry day.
While chillaxing with Simone and Sebastian, it starts to snow and does not stop anymore… suddenly we are in Winter Wonderland and in the early afternoon we figure that there will not be any improvement and we still have to take the bikes home. It is magic – but also mad to ride a bike, as there are tons of snow!
We can finally build a snowman, have snowball fights, go crazy and the kids are sooo happy and excited. This is the first snow for Mia! We warm up, eat cookies and the excited, red and glowing faces of my kids warm my heart. My Mom is leaving in the late afternoon despite the fact that all transportation around Cologne completely breaks down, but she does not want to stay another night, so we cross our fingers and toes, but there is already a two hours delay with the first train… Good luck!!!
A neighbour brings some freshly baked brioche around and I actually have a second serving. Not enjoying food is really sad and therefore this is a great 🙂 When I was younger I would comfort myself with food to numb feelings, therefore food has always played a large role in my life. Nowadays I allow feelings, a healthy nutrition is important to me, I enjoy dining with friends with a good glass of wine and not having any appetite is taking something away from me. I know that it is temporary though and in the meantime I just force myself to eat regularly.
I am exhausted, but happy, as I love snow and we did not have this much snow since years! I am taking it easy now, rest and look forward to tomorrow, which is a bit packed, but I will try to go slowly 😉
Snow… snow… snow… for about one hour and all was green again…. well, that is Cologne for you!
I am a bit down today. The kids are adorable and give me so much joy, but everything else is really tiring. I want to bake spritz biscuits and am all motivated when I prepare the dough in the morning. At lunchtime I try to process it for the first time with the KitchenAid and greatly fail… the dough is too dry and it does not work. I have absolutely no nerves for this and just leave it as it is in the kitchen. Ahhhh!!!! I have no patience whatsoever and no energy, I feel hot and cold and completely exhausted …. Markus just returns from running and he and my Mom are trying to finish it off – bless – but I am angry that I lost my patience. How long after chemo will it take for me to be me again!?!??
Emotionally I am really struggling today and cry during the afternoon, when Markus and the kids are at the zoo. My mom is still here, my Dad comes to visit and that distracts me. The problem with being strong is that everyone expects that you are always strong, but I have my lows as well, especially being super sensitive, thin skinned and fragile. The other problem is that people do not think you are really ill, if you don’t moan about it. When Leo arrived, for example, the hospital did not think I had contractions, as I had cycled there and was speaking normally. They would have sent me home again (and I would have gone home), if they had not seen last minute that the cervix was already open 7 cm. It was probably the same with the pneumonia, but I did tell everyone that the coughing was annoying me….hmmm. No, I will not start to be a moaner!
On a positive note – the coughing seems to get a little better and the kids love the inhalation machine, as there is a tiny mask for kids as well and Leo has a theory that it cures coughing just by putting the mask on – for some reason only in the combination with a builder’s hat 😉
After a sleepless night, I can’t wait to go home – goodbye Klösterchen! I should take it easy, inhale and take the medication. Maja was ill all week, but comes to pick me up and it is great to see her 🙂
Home Sweet Home – I need to go to ‚downtown‘ Riehl to see the podiatrist – who did say that apart from the air under my nails, my feet are actually in good shape and could be much worse – but I take it easy and cannot wait for Mia to get home. I have not seen her since Sunday and it is wonderful to spend time with her alone. When Leo gets home from music school, we finished decorating the cookies we baked before I went to hospital and the kids are full of chocolate, but I love it … and I am exhausted…. Dinner, bedtime reading and I realize that I need to rest a little more. I am ok to rest during the weekend and we do not have any plans. If I am fit on Sunday, we might see the lights parade, but I do not have the restlessness I faced beforehand and am quite happy to chill and read, when not with the kids. Mom is staying an extra night with us to make sure that I rest 😉
Sadly, I realized today, that I still do not really feel at home in this apartment, even after two years and I need to address this issue after cancer along with a lot of other things. I did spend a lot of time here at the beginning of my therapy though and I will be fine to increase the home time again, just looking after myself.
Strange things are happening – My appetite is completely gone now and I have to force myself to eat. Normally I love eating, but even being without chemo right now, I did not get my appetite back…. especially sweet things do not tempt me at all and decorating the cookies I did not even try to see what they taste like.
Kick Cancer Chick 