22 December 2017

11 degrees and rain…. not the kind of Christmas weather I asked for, but hey, Michelle is stopping in Cologne on her way from Amsterdam to Frankfurt this afternoon and I cannot wait to see her 😀

Markus is home with Mia and Anja can fill in for our household help Steffi in the afternoon – all sorted 🎉

In between my appointments I go shopping again …. T-Shirts, a dress, earrings, Chelsea Boots…. this has to stop…. one week of treating myself has been way too expensive – then again, I really don’t care and it feels like I had to do it! Time for the shops to close during the holidays 😉

Foodwise, I have suddenly cravings since yesterday…. I was never a big meat fan, but suddenly I want to eat spicy salami sausages…. crazy – and also sweets!?!? Oh I hope that will stop after Christmas, but it is good timing for my appetite to return for the festive season with all the nice food….hmmmmm. And remember, you don’t gain weight between Christmas and New Year, but between New Year and Christmas 😉

I see Tatjana Richartz with my wig and she actually manages to make it look like real hair again – I now lost the Berlusconi hairline and she shows me different styles. Who knows, maybe I will wear it one day, but even if not, I love what Tatjana does ❤️ It is funny how quickly I got used to not having any hair and it is strange to imagine that I will have hair again one day. I will keep it short though… at least for a while.

More presents for me arrived when I return from neighbours and my godchild family! I am such a lucky girl! When I pick up Leo from Kindergarten, I chat with the teachers and I once again realize how happy Leo is in Kindergarten and how nice they all are. This is such a relief to know that he is happy and often does not want to leave, as currently he spends more time there than before I was ill and I often feel guilty.

Michelle picks me up in the afternoon and we hit the Christmas markets!

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21 December 2017

Chemo day…. Number 9 today! By now I know most of the patients and I chat with Sonja, who gets bi-weekly infusions due to an immune deficiency. Her friend has just been diagnosed with breastcancer and she heard about my blog. I hope it will help her! My other ‚follower‘, who has been diagnosed with breastcancer had her first Paclitaxel today…. fingers crossed, my new chemo buddy! She is actually trying the cooling cap to prevent hair loss, gloves and shoes and I look forward to her feedback!

I forgot my earphones, can not meditate, there are no cooling pads for my feet, but I dose off… surely they would tell me, if I was snoring – I certainly hope so 😉 Nurse Fassbender is back and I am so happy to see her. She cannot fit into her Christmas dress and I feel immediately sorry for bringing cookies and chocolate 😜. She tells me that I have to accept that resting and slowing down is what it takes and that I have to embrace it and not fight against it. I do – I really really do, but she does not quite believe me yet!! I have really taken speed out of my life and truly enjoy the quiet moments and will digitally detox a bit while at my parents‘.

I did get some Christmas cards, but I will continue to write them whenever I feel like it – easy easy and presents for the kids can be wrapped on the 24th in the morning and I asked in the ‚Alex needs Help‘ group, if someone can pick up the Tonies Box for me, as I am not able to drive a car today and it is in the middle of nowhere.

I see Dr. Reiser and he confirms that we (they) will decide, if I can simply skip the two chemos I missed on the 9th of January. Concerning my miracle hair growth, he said that it can always happen during the chemo that the hair grows and a lot of patients worry then that the chemo does not do it’s job. I did not worry there, but wonder, if it will stay…. Either it will or it won’t. I think I will shave it off again to have an even re-growth…. I still need my bald head picture with my bald head brother 😉 then again… and I am sadly loosing more lashes. Could cry with every single one I notice 😢

With a fresh carrot juice and jacket potato takeaway, I am heading home, eat and sleep – I am sooo tired and exhausted, hot and cold and need to rest. My eyelids are extremely heavy and so is my entire body. This is where the balancing act starts again…. I hear the kids come home with Steffi, but I cannot even get up. I have locked myself into the guest room and I am hiding from my kids. How sad is that!??! I feel really alone and like I am letting my kids down, but I cannot handle it and I need energy for them. I join them in the late afternoon, but I am weak but I manage to only go back to bed when they go to bed.

Mia has diarrhea again and is not allowed in Kindergarten tomorrow and Steffi is not well either…. Markus can take Friday morning off and I try to get HomeInstead to send Anja instead of Steffi in the afternoon. Fingers crossed that all will go smoothly, as I need to go to physiotherapy, but might cancel my wig appointment at lunchtime. I asked Tatjana Richartz to have a look at my fiffy again, as I don’t want to wear it, but maybe I will start one day, if the haircut is a bit cooler…It would have been just such a waste of money for the the fiffy to live a sad life in my cupboard 😉 then again – I really could not care less…

20 December 2017

A Captain once said „Alex, you are like a Rottweiler – you do not let go until you get what you want…“ right! I got a Tonies Box…whoohooooo 🎉 It is mainly due to Alexa, who spotted and reserved it in one of Facebook’s fleamarket groups, but I got it, I got it, I got it 🎉

Mia stays with me today, but no throwing up since yesterday evening and we enjoy the last session and coffees with the running Mamas.

Leo is so sweet when I leave the house tonight to meet the girls „and you really did not forget anything, really?!?! Are you sure!?!?“. Maybe my kids realize more and more that I am slightly forgetful with chemo brain 😉

We are having dinner and drinks, it is a fun evening, but I seriously overeat …. I am sooo sick now! What really shocks me is leaving Hahnheiser and having 90+ What’s App messages!?!? Hello!??! That is a bit mad…45 were from one group of friends, but still…. Thank God I cannot sleep yet, as my tummy is all wobbly, so I will sit back, relax and enjoy my nocturnes.

I did not shave my head yet…. I think I will check with the chemo nurses tomorrow, if my hair is possibly growing despite Paclitaxel!??! I guess I know the answer, but hey, little hair for another day 😉

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19 December 2017

I decide to enjoy the morning’s peace and quietness today! A newspaper with coffee in bed is my most desired thing right now – pure bliss! Even if everything is available online, I love reading ‚real‘ papers, like I did before I had kids!

Eventually I go to town and after yet another unsuccessful attempt to get a Tonies box, I go shopping for ….myself…..  Maybe this is a way of treating myself?!? Am I compensating?!? Whatever! My family stopped giving presents to each other in the 90s and starting this year Markus and I decided not to give each other anything either. I am on a mission and enjoy it, while I am in between constantly on the phone with the insurance company, the association of SHI physicians and different psychotherapists – I can finally see a psycho oncologist in Haus LebensWert in January now 🙄 what a hassle!!!

Little did I know that in the meantime the postman had been! Thank you! I received this massive parcel from Steffi, who I worked with onboard QE2, with books, home made cake, cookies and loads of other goodies…. I was really touched and overwhelmed!!! And Kerstin sent a parcel, Birgit and her daughter crocheted a hat….I am continuously receiving lots of cards and letters, but also emails and messages with so much love – …. thank you all for your words and time! It really makes my day ❤️ and did I mention that my wonderful neighbours created a St. Nikolaus explosion outside our door on the 6th?!?!

Did I mention that I do love Christmas!?!?! Maybe it is because I was away so much, but I love to be here this time of the year! I did also love the Christmas season onboard the cruiseships, where we went a bit overboard with tons of decorations, carol singers during embarkation and for the crew – non-stop Christmas parties. Each department would have a different slot on Xmas day and you would have eggnog (uh, that is something I never got used to along with mince pies 🙄) at the doctor’s office, a Christmas grotto in the Engineer’s workshop, mulled wine in the crew office and by lunchtime, you would wonder how you would survive…. and being away from family and friends somewhere in the Caribbean, we would all feel very close and jolly!

Nevertheless – it is wonderful to have Christmas markets, decorations and cold weather…. mind you, due to stupid cancer and pneumonia, I have only been to the little markets and it has been raining all day, but I am not bothered a lot –  I look forward to going home and to seeing my family and childhood friends!!

Thank god I am fit and strong today. Mia is throwing up all afternoon – twice all over me 🤢 – she is in a good mood though and I hope that she will not continue during the night …..fingers crossed!

17 December 2017

I feel like I partied all night… I wish 😉 I am dizzy and weak and hope my energy returns tomorrow!

Yesterday everyone commented on how well I look – easy trick …. cortisone makes rosy cheeks! Today I spend almost all day in bed and sleep a lot, while Markus is out and about with the kids. Additionally I am still busy trying to get one of the completely sold out Tonies Boxes for Xmas, as I – idiot – talked Leo into wanting one.

Reading is not possible, but I listen to the audiobook Am Arsch vorbei ist auch ein Weg, which I downloaded after my first operation in hospital. The author is reading it herself and her voice is sooo tiring and the book is so boring, that I fall asleep all the time 😉

There are a lot of cancer stories out there and the more I get into the subject, the bigger the subject gets…. a lot of people don’t talk about it for all different reasons and it is up to each individual how they want to handle it. Since I went public with my story, a lot of people told me their unknown or secret cancer stories and it seems that cancer is everywhere, but most of the stories I heard have a happy ending ❤️ never give up!

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Finally managed to capture my amazing – though probably temporary – hair growth ❤

16 December 2017

No more coughing, but I get my revenge for yesterday – I am exhausted! I still manage to decorate the tree with Leo and go to the Kulturkirche Christmas market meeting lots of friends and kids… I am freezing though and shivering when I arrive back home and have to cancel my evening plans  – yes, that is what I do nowadays 😉 good girl!! Hot water bottle and a cup of tea – what an exciting Saturday evening….

Something amazing happened today though….my hair is still growing!! I did have to shave my head after hospital, but now there is new hair again and it seems to grown quite strongly … I tried to take a picture, but it is really light coloured. It will probably stop growing soon, when I am back on chemo track, but I am amazed how fast it grows, will shave it off again and look forward to enormous hair grow at the end of chemo 😀

15 December 2017

Doro sent me Aloe Vera goodies from Fuerteventura – I love the gloves and socks, which make really soft hands and feet and I do use the gel, but sorry…. I cannot make myself drink that stuff on an empty stomach yet…. maybe it is the bottle, which looks like shower gel, but I will soon make an effort….. promise 🤢

I definitely overdid it today. It was not really my fault though for having an physiotherapist appointment at the other end of town in the wee hours of the morning though. Then I had lots of things to do in town, met auntie Ingrid & Mom for lunch and more running around. I think it was a side effect of the chemo though, as I felt exhausted and tired, but at the same time had the urge to do everything for Christmas TODAY… mind you, I did by myself some presents as well. Prof. Dr. Breidenbach had mentioned that that can happen – treating yourself to something nice to make up for the stuff you are going through 😉 I did bump into Hannah though and had a little coffee & rest. Home, baking cookies with the kids and bringing them to bed … pfewwwww! I am knackered!

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Leo thinks that the KitchenAid is too noisy….

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14 December 2017

Chemo day… juchhey!??!?

I pack food, books, earphones and Christmas cookies for the nurses and off I go. My blood is good and chemo #8 is on it’s way!  They always order them from a pharmacy across the road and it is only mixed just before I get it. While I wait, I manage to do today’s mediation and then they put the first drip and immediately I feel sooo tired. The cortisone pushes you and it is responsible for the restlessness and sleepless nights, but the painkiller I get first, makes my eyelids really heavy. No reading, no watching movies, but I listen to an audio book and dose off. Having missed two chemos, Prof. Dr. Breidenbach will decide after my check-up in January with Dr. Reiser, if I can skip any of the next 8 chemos or continue until February. I have to check Bali‘s volcano anyway, so there is no rush 😉

Claudia arrives a bit later, so I rest first and only start chatting with her, as the third bag – the chemo itself – mighty Paclitaxel (known as T) runs through my port into my blood vessels. Today they cool my hands and feet while I have the T, though nurse Theis does not really think that it will make a difference. My fingertumbs are really numb now and I don’t like typing, but hey, it is worth a try 😉

Already in hospital I no longer tasted the NaCl flushing my port on my tongue. They are doing it slower now, but maybe my taste buds have given up on salty!?!? My tongue looks  funny and they tested it and will get the results next week. Claudia leaves before me and shares some licorice – licorice is something that really works for me and I love it! There is the Bärendreck Apotheke, licorice heaven, just a few houses down the street and I send Claudia there, who cannot believe that she has never been there… especially the very pure licorice can help so well with the chemo sickness!

As I get up, I am all dizzy and tired and I feel my head is under a huge diving bell…. I am not a high blood pressure candidate anyway ;). I take the taxi home, eat something and sleep like a baby. The kids are at Nina’s again and I am so grateful, as I can peacefully sleep and Mom is here and pampers me – being all dizzy, I am glad I am not alone today ❤

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13 December 2017

When the going gets tough, the tough get going – Tabea and the running Mamas are training despite the cold and the rain, but we sit for ages in the Klee’snack Cafe afterwards hugging the radiator… cold and wet is not ideal, but I took it easy. It is the second day without antibiotics and I feel the coughing is getting a bit worse, but try to inhale a bit more to be fit tomorrow.

The subject of the day is silicone implants and one of the running Mamas is wondering, if they are being removed after you die or if you are buried with them!??!? What a thought…I seriously do not get it… are there environmental concerns!?!? It was a fun morning though 😉

Well, I see the dentist (I am not allowed to use the special toothpaste for more than three months and they recommend something else) and pick up Leo from Kindergarten to… how do I put this the right way without coming across like an iceskating mom: We visited Speaker’s Corner, who have English playgroups for kids, who are three and older and it is just around the corner from where we live. It was actually good fun and Leo enjoyed it and we will be there next week again before we decide, if he will continue. No worries, he is not starting Mandarin and violin yet, but I often talk in English and he always asks about it 😉

While Mia is at gymnastics with Anja, Leo and I prepare cookie dough and fresh carrot juice. Mom arrives and I use the evening to finally clean up my bedroom, sort all my paperwork, pay all overdue invoices and get my stuff ready for tomorrow – I wanted to do that for weeks and it is such a relief. I have the urge to make the most of today, while my head is clear and I am under less chemo… and I will spend time with Mom now and try to read, as I will probably loose my concentration again by tomorrow… Carpe diem!

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Tough ain’t enough – soaking wet after training with Simone 😉

12 December 2017

After a lazy morning, I see psycho oncologist Beate Rahn and funnily enough, I can see her again in January…. She says that the fact that my head is clearer and I can concentrate on reading books, is probably due to the chemo pause – therefore I have to hurry with my next book before chemo on Thursday! I really hope it will go ahead.

From Holweide I go straight to see psycho no. 2, Dr. Kroll-Fratoni, an American guy. He agrees to fill in the paperwork required by the insurance company, says that he will put adjustment disorder regarding my breastcancer situation and recommends two psychotherapists. He also recommends someone the kids can see, if I feel they have issues. Haus LebensWert is the psycho oncologist service of the Uni Klinik and the offer a lot of activities for cancer patients and nurse Fassbender is also raving about it…. I shall check it out!

Having talked with two psychos about what I do, how I handle the situation, how my kids and Markus are, how I look after myself, etc., really does my head in…. it’s all mushy peas. Today I missed my stop at Holweide and also the one for Dr. Kroll-Fratoni – Chemo Brain is not completely gone 😉

I just finished the last nude art session – it really takes my mind of everything and the psychics…..