7 December 2017

Hurray, hurra! They found a high level of mycoplasma antibodies in my blood and the CT showed that my lungs improved – I can go home tomorrow 🎉🎉🎉🎉

Markus saved the breakfast dilemma, by dropping off müsli, almond milk and fruit last night after reading my blog – thank you 🤩

Hans already said good by, as he is off for a few days and we are all a bit sentimental…. I am still happy to go home though.

I get my last antibiotics drip and will start with tablets in the evening, the port needle is being removed and I will get an inhalation machine to use at home. The coughing will probably continue a little bit longer, but from Tuesday no antibiotics and next chemo on Thursday!

My highlight of all my visitors was Leo ❤️ – I thought it would have been too much for Mom to bring both kids, but one is better than none. I had not seen him since Sunday, we had so much fun and I look forward to being home with the kids ❤️

I got a psychologist appointment for next week and the insurance company will have to decide, if I continue there or somewhere else – it is all a bit complicated!

Chemo buddy Katja is in full remission and only needs the radiation now🎉🎉🎉

6 December 2017

Thanks for worrying about me – I simply did not blog yesterday, but I am fine.

I am still in hospital and there were no news and no results, but the coughing is a little better! Prof. Dr. Breidenbach called me today, as she only found out now that I was to check how I was – she is so nice and will follow up with Dr. Reiser!

My cousin Sylvie is brightening my mornings with daily Soja lattes and green smoothies ❤️

I was hoping to leave hospital today and to do chemo tomorrow… Prof. Dr. Galetke came to see me at lunchtime and said that the bronchoscopy did not help them to locate the cause of my pneumonia – they tested a few, but all negative – but that they are waiting for more blood results. He wants to do another CT of my lungs tomorrow to see if there is improvement and will then see, if I can go home on Friday 🙄 no chemo until next Thursday. It annoys me, but I know I have to listen to them and Prof. Dr. Breidenbach confirmed that he is the best!

Hospital routine is getting a bit boring now… 5:30am they wake me for the first drip, then the day consists of drips and inhalations, meals and the doctor’s visit and last drip at 10:30pm…. thank god there are Hans and Franz and the other staff and my friends, who visit, call and chat to me! I try to stay positive, read, meditate, watch movies and will wait for the blood and CT outcome. I miss my kids though….

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Find the Müsli … yep – No Müsli today, la lalala lala….

4 December 2017

Not a single nurse enters my room without commenting on my Rituals advent calendar – even Hans, Franz and the Professor!

I get the wrong breakfast again and wonder if my ex roommate is enjoying my Müsli…. probably not, she order all the white flour bread and rolls I have to eat now – Sylvie saves the morning and brings a Soja Latte, fruit and a green smoothie ❤️ and for tomorrow I will get my müsli!

At lunchtime I get the info that one of my followers was just diagnosed with breastcancer on Friday…. stupid cancer! We talk a lot and I keep my fingers crossed until she has her final results!

I know that it is difficult to help and some people do not know what to say, if someone has cancer! If you don’t know how to approach a friend in a cancer situation, just send a message or call – the people, who matter to me right now, are the ones, who just do things – send presents, send messages, call me (I simply do not pick up, if I don’t want to talk…. or can’t speak like the last few weeks 😛), check how I am doing, offer help right there and then, when a situation arises, call to say they are close by and want to meet me, say they arranged a play date and can pick up the kids….. thank you to these people of actions ❤️ Show the person with cancer that you care – that is the most important!

Professor Galetke checks on me and says that the results are not back yet, but that my inflammation levels are almost back to normal! He would like to keep me longer and continue as we did until the results are here. I see the point that I have to be fit to go home – I want to get rid of the coughing once and for all! The new ward is not ready yet, but I enjoy it here and tell him what a wonderful team they have here! My Mom will arrive tomorrow to stay with Markus and the kids and I wait and see how much longer it will take….tomorrow is tumor conference and Prof. Galetke will speak to Dr. Reiser and then I will probably know more!

In the afternoon, I have seamless visits from Antje, Tina and Andrea ❤️

3 December 2017

The first snow 🤗 The kids are so excited and I wish I was with them….it is just a little icing sugar, but Leo is hoping to build a ’sandman‘! I am crossing fingers and toes for more snow ….

I am still coughing, but this is day three of all my antibiotics drips and I was up until 4am last night…. In a way this is the old me again – I am a night owl by nature and I have my most creative moments then, but I am sooo tired today. They woke me at 6:30 for the first drip and I had to get up to inhale, as the coughing did not stop. I did cry last night and that also made the coughing worse…. I put the book away for a little bit…. but had to continue….Thank god there is nothing planned today apart from a few visits 😃 Starting the next book from my mummy gang „The Rosie Project“ ….Christina comes around with a good Latte Macchiato, which helps a lot and I have not seen her for ages ❤️

I realized last night that the reason I was so busy the last month, was that I was running away…. from my thoughts. It is easier to get over something, if I am busy, but being busy is not the right thing for me at the moment and surprisingly I am absolutely fine doing nothing! I also realized that I started being ill on the 31st October and that is more than a month actually! The coughing started later though 😉 I am happy I can finally rest and hopefully recover soon!

Dr. Schünemann comes to see me again and says that I need to be patient and I will still need time to recover, which is fine and he says that I have the right attitude! Yeah! I am still coughing but think it is a little bit better today….

The running Mamas run the Nikolaus run, but honestly, I do not envy them today with the snow and the rain. Thanks Tabea for carrying my chip – it will probably be the fastest I ever ran 😉

The kids finally visit me again, but Leo did fall asleep on the way and I just take him into bed with me like last time…. I miss those cuddles …. Mia is being her temperamental self and I love them so much. They have to go and I miss them, but I have to be fit again to go home! Today she said „noodle“ for the first time…. actually „Mia more noodle“ – she eats so much!

Katja lives opposite the hospital, but cannot see me, as she got one of these kindergarten infections – even though she stopped chemo weeks a go, her immune system is still weak…. what an outlook 🙄 I am actually glad there are no more visitors and cancel Tina, as I really need time to sleep during the day!

Franz tells me that the next day the entire ward is moving to a newly renovated ward with minibar, large flat screen TV, tablet holders, balconies and somehow I am hoping that I can move with Hans & Franz despite the fact that this room already feels quite luxurious, Franz is raving about the new ward…. going home would be nice as well though 😉

I have a Sweet Sushi evening with Sylvie….. hmmmm! Much nicer than the hospital dinner, which I also had a bit of, but they serve it at 5:30 and I have to be up until at least 10:30, when the last antibiotics bag has run. I just finished the huge bag of candy Michael gave to me, but I think I actually lost weight since I arrived – Hurray to Sweet Sushi! 🍱

2 December 2017

Markus took Leo to the emergency services last night, therefore I did not switch my phone off……mild imflammation of the middle ear. Obviously he did not sleep at Carla’s, but he is fine again today. My phone is playing funny games…. it restarts every few minutes and annoys me so much that I switch it off most of the day! I was supposed to get my new phone today, but it has apparently not arrived yet and they will call me on Monday 🙄

I love my new room and the private ward …. feels like being in a hotel – nurses Hans and Franz (he is actually called Christian and I need to make an effort here) make me constantly laugh …. they are the perfect double act, but also take turns to see me and brighten my day!

Yesterday, Christian took my temperature and said that it will take three days for the antibiotics to show results. My arm is actually burning and he says that this antibiotic is very aggressive and makes my venes burst 😳 What?!?! He says that I should not worry, as it is only internal…. oh, that make a difference! Not! I wonder why they don’t give it via the port then, where it can do less damage? Christian compliments my clever idea, but refers me to the doctor. He probably think „….another smartass patient“ 😂

Hans puts the second antibiotics infusion at 8:00. After a few minutes it runs down my arm. Christian says that the venes cannot take it any more and that I will get a new intravenous access.

At lunchtime Dr. Schünemann comes to see me, tells me that they will get the results from the bronchoscopy on Monday and until then they will continue with the two antibiotics. He says that something should have been done earlier, but I told him that all doctors knew about my coughing and there was nothing else I could have done! He says that I can come and see them directly now, if anything happens again, as my immune system is really weak…. as he leaves, I quickly ask, why they don’t give the aggressive antibiotics via the port? „I don’t know – by all means you should get it via the port! Good point!“ 😁 I finally get my port punched and the antibiotics can continue. Hans and Franz stop working at lunch time and I miss them, but so far, all the staff is extremely nice! The only issue I have is pressing the button – when I was an air hostess I hated the people, who pressed the button …. it is for emergencies only, so why should I press it here when the antibiotics are finished?!?! They still insist I should press it though. Ok!

It is so nice to have a chemo free week – I don’t know if it is that or the resting, but my mind is really calm and is resting as well. I feel that my body can recover a bit from all the chemos now and I love the idea! The fact that I can easily read a book again, makes me wanting to not stop reading at all. I missed it so much and I am reading „The Life List“ (Conny’s recommendation) all day! Markus will actually drop off another book before going to Hauke’s 50th Birthday bash, which is literally around the corner.

Lars comes to see me at lunchtime and it is lovely to catch up with him! Antje sees me between two operations, as she works in Klösterchen hospital and we have not seen each other since the day I got my diagnosis. When Simone visits in the afternoon, she tells me that all apple users, who use Headspace and the meditation reminders, have the issue with the restarting phones and Apple has just released an update – whooohooo…. that fixed my phone and Simone is my hero of the day!

1 December 2017

Oh I am loving this – sleeping, resting and relaxing! I was so tired after yesterday, as they made me inhale on different machines until late at night and I really needed this!

I am on an almost constant drip of antibiotics, but I am still coughing. An atypical pneumonia is a pneumonia, but the symptoms are weaker and it is hard to detect. Low fever, if at all, low inflammation levels, hard to hear, when examining the chest, etc. and that is why it was detected so late despite the fact that I am being examined regularly prior to chemo and some of the changes in my blood levels could also have been caused by chemo.

At some point I am being rolled to the bronchioscopy. Prof. Dr. Galetke and his team are really nice and here I feel normal – there are people coughing left, right and center. They explain one more time that they will go with a tube into my lungs and already the thought makes me cringe – thank god they put me to sleep.

Waking up, Prof. Dr. Galetke says that there is pus in both side of my lungs and that he wants me to stay until Monday at least. They said I was fighting a bit and my nose is bleeding 😳

He will discuss my results with Dr. Reiser during Tuesday’s tumor conference, but I might not be able to do the chemo on Thursday….They roll me straight to my single room and I sleep a bit more! I love the room! I know I had been doing too much and maybe I needed a bit of a harder wake-up call than others, but I am here and now and do nothing else than reading (it actually works again!) and resting and only allow little windows for the phone – I needed a bit of digital detox as well.

The kids and Markus come to see me in the late afternoon – I ask all other visitors to see me during the weekend. Sylvie might pop in later, but that is ok. It is lovely to see my kids, but Leo is really sad, when they leave 😢

Markus brings along what was supposed to be my Mummy Gang Chemo present – a Rituals advent calendar ❤️ – and leaves with detailed instructions where to be when during the weekend and where to find the advent wreath and what candles to buy for it – bless him 😉

30 November 2017

Chemo day…. At least that was the plan!

Chemo nurse Fassbender gives me a very concerned look, as I enter coughing away… the usual: she checks my blood, checks my temperature and says that I have a fever…. hmmm…. additionally her and Dr. Reiser are concerned that I am still coughing and make an appointment at the PAN Klinik for a quick lung CT. No chemo today, but as I am disappointed, Dr. Reiser promises me to simply skip this one 😉

Nurse Fassbender tells me to use the week to rest and recover now and to not go out …. she is reading my blog, so no getting away here. I promise to do so!

I take the tram and hurry to the Pan Klinik. The radiology brings back memories of the day I got my diagnosis, but it is ok. No crying this time during the CT 😉! I get the results and it is probably an atypical pneumonia and it has been there for a while.

Back to Dr. Reiser, who calls the hospital. He wants to have a bronchoscopy, where they flush the lungs, test what was flushed out and determine afterwards what is inside my lungs in order not to waste time with the wrong antibiotics. He is such a nice guy and we laugh a lot, he gets the paperwork ready and off I go to hospital.

Cardiogramm first, then nurse Tobi tortures me digging for some venes and they get me to inhale for a long time. The doctor examines me and says that I will have to stay for two nights and I need to get things organized. Markus needs to pack my things and as he needs to pick up the kids from Nina, I post for the first time a message in the What’s App group „Alex needs help“ for someone to bring my stuff to hospital. This is amazing – they actually battle about it, but Michael wins!

Poor Markus – it is quite a challenge for him to find all my things and coughing telephone instructions don’t help. On top of this, I planned to get the advent calendar ready in the afternoon, which he will also have to do now with my barking guidance via the phone once the kids are asleep.

I get a room quite late and it is quite grim – there are no single rooms available … I hope the old lady next to me does not snore 🙈 she is big and a smoker and whinges…. fingers crossed. I did already warn her about my coughing, but the nurse said she would give me something for a quiet and peaceful night for both of us 😴Tomorrow they have a single room for me!

The good thing about the hospital is that there are no alternatives to resting and no kids, who wake me early! I feel sad though that I could not even say goodbye to them and asked Markus to let the kids call me via FaceTime before they go to sleep ❤️

They only wanted to start with the antibiotics after the bronchoscopy, but while Michael is here – he brought drinks, magazines and candy and we chat away – they start the antibiotics infusions anyway?!?! I inhale and shall wait for the things to come….

29 November 2017

„Chemobrain is like a mix of ADHD & early Alzheimer’s.“ I read an article on ‚I Had Cancer‘, which made me laugh and actually summed it up so well… „I wish, I wish, I wish, I’d known about the feelings!“

The psychologist actually put it so well yesterday. „You are very thin skinned and need to look after yourself and be with yourself…“ and this is where the conflict lays – on one hand and in theory, I am determined and have the best intentions to meditate, look after myself, be self-contained, but there is the restlessness, which makes it very difficult at the moment to stay focused. I have difficulties concentrating on a book, on meditation or on being there and then in the moment – even with my kids. My mind is all over the place and though in theory I am aware of it, I often cannot make it stop wandering. Apparently the intuition training might help me with this and I shall give it a try.

The longer I am on this journey, the more I appreciate the opportunities this time holds! – Without cancer, I would not have had the chance to look at myself and after myself in the way I do right now. It is the chance to step back and reflect on your life, rethink and make changes and adjustments, where necessary. I have learned that you always have a choice and what used to be my credo „love it, leave it or change it“ needs to apply to all areas of my life again. Any massive changes have to wait until the cancer is gone, but I have changed a lot of little things already and I think I am really lucky to have this opportunity.

Today is the opening of the little Nippes Christmas market and I shall visit it with the kids  and maybe I can even get a haircut for Leo beforehand? We shall see…and I still have to get the kids‘ advent calendar ready…. and the HRG Christmas bash already starts at 6.30pm….ahhh! Well, no sports today and hopefully all will fall into place 😉

HRG organized a Time Ride – a virtual reality tour through the old Cologne followed by a great evening at the Maritime Hotel. It was lovely catching up with the colleagues and the everyone hugged me and wished me well. I had some wonderful conversations – obviously speaking way too much and did not want to leave. It is chemo day tomorrow, so I am home now.

I feel slightly sick, when I get ready for bed and suddenly I have to throw up…. I hope it was just the food and the coughing and that I can have the chemo tomorrow! Today I did stay in bed until the afternoon – with the exception of breakfast and a brief visit from Sandra…and that is the plan for tomorrow – I know that I need to slow down!

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28 November 2017

What a day! Well, it started easy with a yoga massage – pure bliss!

Dr. Zenev makes sure there is no infection in my throat, fungus is gone, blood is ok, but he reckons since I am there, I might as well have another laser session and he is such a fun character and really makes me laugh! Cough Sirup for another day, but also an aerosol and the stuff Dr. Reiser prescribed again….. somehow I think it is getting better – I can actually talk a little bit. Dr. Zenev tells me to go to sleep, when I get home, but I have two kids, I am booked into a nude art session tonight and have my company’s Christmas party tomorrow….hmmm, I promise to sleep early after chemo on Thursday 😉 and I am seriously considering not going to the running mamas tomorrow for the first time since my operation!

I see my gynecologist for a prescription, get all medication and rush to Holweide to see the psycho oncologist Beate Rahn. She actually tells me to see her again in two weeks time. I had a bit of an eye opener today and despite the fact that the intuition center visit with her was a bit too spiritual for my likings, I think I might go for a free test session.

Hush hush home to meet the kids, take Leo to kids gym, quick tea with Lea and her dad and rush home to bake those cookies with the kids and Steffi. It is actually really cute how Mia and Leo are rolling the dough and both seem to have a flour fetish…. they put it on everything and the stuff is everywhere!

Markus comes home and I rush off to the nude art session. I am late, but it is nice and relaxing. I wonder why the model always looks at me, but then she asks me during a break, if I can give her one of my candies…. hmmm… had just finished them. Sorry!

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Laser girl in action!

27 November 2017

Oh well, where do I start – yes, I am still coughing and yes, it feels like there is no improvement whatsoever!!! I have enough! I cough all night, my lungs are hurting and by times I feel I will throw up… and I get headaches. I am never ill and I get a headache max. every second year… The solution – yet another visit to the ENT doctor. Blue tongue, laser, I shall no longer use the spray, but cough sirup instead, shall inhale and see them again tomorrow….. Straight to the physiotherapist for lymph drainage, acupuncture and the infrared lamp. This time I do not get the long term acupuncture needles to see, if it makes a difference 😉

I do inhale NaCl with a glass inhaler, which I got 2014, when I had the vocal cord infection – it looks a bit like a pipe and is actually the least messy solution. I feel already a little bit better!

Today is our traditional Christmas cookie baking bash with my cousin and all the kids…. I do manage to prepare the dough just before they arrive, but the last lot just does not seem to  stick well enough – we try all… more butter, more fridge time, but nothing helps and these are the ones the kids are supposed to decorate 😦 well, as they leave we figure that I put by accident the double amount of flour…. ahhhh!!! Fixed the dough and will have to find time tomorrow sometimes to bake them by myself now – that was not the idea 😉

I shall skip yoga today, as all week is packed and I need to be fit – I really miss yoga, but I figured that my voice needs a rest! This is what bothers me most – I really want to do things and my body stops me…. well, after almost four weeks this simply must get better now!

Concerning the psychooncologist, the health insurance does not want to pay for the one I picked, but I had to contact a central service team of the „Kassenärztliche Vereinigung Nordrhein“, who promised to find someone on my behalf this week. Fingers crossed – I will see the one I found next week anyway and pay myself!

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