11 December 2017

Cologne is green and rainy again and I am back in my busy life, but at a much slower pace. The coughing is almost gone and my voice is still a bit rough, but coming back 🙂

I see my gynecologist, Dr. Rix, for the first time since seeing her with the lump in my breast on 28 August. She hugs me and we chat for a while. There were actually six or seven women, who she sent to Prof. Dr. Breidenbach and Katja was the first, all were young, the youngest being 28… she said that I am handling the cancer in a good way and that she would make the same choices I have made, compliments me on writing a blog and says some people have been successful writing their stories … and I know immediately that she is talking about Nicole Staudinger – the quick-wittedness queen!

Having been in hospital I was unable to get a new sick note from Prof. Dr. Breidenbach, therefore I organize this quickly, drop it off at work and say hello to my colleagues. The administration around cancer is annoying. Every four weeks I have to get a new sick note and drop one off at work and send another one to my insurance company. Welcome to Germany with all it forms, rules and regulations. Guess what – the psychologist, who I will see tomorrow, will have to fill a certain form (PTV 11) and the insurance company pointed out that he will have to enter a certain code and I should double check. With this form and a code, I then call this appointment service number of the Association of SHI Physicians North Rhine, who arranged this appointment for me, again and they will find a psychologist, who I can see in the future… and you do not have a say in the where and who 😉

I am suppose to have lunch with Armin, one of Markus friends, who is wonderful, but Katja calls. I have not seen her since her last chemo and she had also just been to Dr. Rix, so I decide, if I take a taxi, we can quickly meet and catch up… Her hair is already growing again. It is very soft and does not look like the down some of the cancer pictures show, but it actually looks like proper hair. Well, from pictures I know that she had a lot of hair beforehand – so did I and that is a nice perspective! She will also keep her hair short and apart from facing radiation next, she is well and suddenly has these remarkable eyelashes…. I probably focus mainly on eyebrows and lashes now, as I am terrified of every single lash I loose at the moment and my eyebrows are a dilemma.

Taxi to meet Armin, lymph drainage, groceries and Christmas party in Leos Kindergarten…. I do rest as well though, inhale and will have a lazy morning tomorrow!

I finish the day with yoga and on my way home I get a chicken Dürüm again, which is – and this is scary – almost like my pavlovian response to yoga now…. ahhh – how ironic?!?! But at least I am eating 😉

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This is the first time Leo actually draws something recognizable (it’s Nikolaus and not a cockatoo!!) …. proud Mummy Me ❤

10 December 2017

Oh what a beautiful day! Note to self – always check the weather app before taking the bike anywhere in December. I thought a little excercise and fresh air would be beneficial, so we take the bikes to Simone’s for breakfast. It is 10.00am, a bit cold, but a nice and dry day.

While chillaxing with Simone and Sebastian, it starts to snow and does not stop anymore… suddenly we are in Winter Wonderland and in the early afternoon we figure that there will not be any improvement and we still have to take the bikes home. It is magic – but also mad to ride a bike, as there are tons of snow!

We can finally build a snowman, have snowball fights, go crazy and the kids are sooo happy and excited. This is the first snow for Mia! We warm up, eat cookies and the excited, red and glowing faces of my kids warm my heart. My Mom is leaving in the late afternoon despite the fact that all transportation around Cologne completely breaks down, but she does not want to stay another night, so we cross our fingers and toes, but there is already a two hours delay with the first train… Good luck!!!

A neighbour brings some freshly baked brioche around and I actually have a second serving. Not enjoying food is really sad and therefore this is a great 🙂 When I was younger I would comfort myself with food to numb feelings, therefore food has always played a large role in my life. Nowadays I allow feelings, a healthy nutrition is important to me, I enjoy dining with friends with a good glass of wine and not having any appetite is taking something away from me. I know that it is temporary though and in the meantime I just force myself to eat regularly.

I am exhausted, but happy, as I love snow and we did not have this much snow since years! I am taking it easy now, rest  and look forward to tomorrow, which is a bit packed, but I will try to go slowly 😉

 

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9 December 2017

Snow… snow… snow… for about one hour and all was green again…. well, that is Cologne for you!

I am a bit down today. The kids are adorable and give me so much joy, but everything else is really tiring. I want to bake spritz biscuits and am all motivated when I prepare the dough in the morning. At lunchtime I try to process it for the first time with the KitchenAid and greatly fail… the dough is too dry and it does not work. I have absolutely no nerves for this and just leave it as it is in the kitchen. Ahhhh!!!! I have no patience whatsoever and no energy, I feel hot and cold and completely exhausted …. Markus just returns from running and he and my Mom are trying to finish it off  – bless – but I am angry that I lost my patience. How long after chemo will it take for me to be me again!?!??

Emotionally I am really struggling today and cry during the afternoon, when Markus and the kids are at the zoo. My mom is still here, my Dad comes to visit and that distracts me. The problem with being strong is that everyone expects that you are always strong, but I have my lows as well, especially being super sensitive, thin skinned and fragile. The other problem is that people do not think you are really ill, if you don’t moan about it. When Leo arrived, for example, the hospital did not think I had contractions, as I had cycled there and was speaking normally. They would have sent me home again (and I would have gone home), if they had not seen last minute that the cervix was already open 7 cm.  It was probably the same with the pneumonia, but I did tell everyone that the coughing was annoying me….hmmm. No, I will not start to be a moaner!

On a positive note – the coughing seems to get a little better and the kids love the inhalation machine, as there is a tiny mask for kids as well and Leo has a theory that it cures coughing just by putting the mask on – for some reason only in the combination with a builder’s hat  😉

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8 December 2017

After a sleepless night, I can’t wait to go home – goodbye Klösterchen! I should take it easy, inhale and take the medication. Maja was ill all week, but comes to pick me up and it is great to see her 🙂

Home Sweet Home – I need to go to ‚downtown‘ Riehl to see the podiatrist – who did say that apart from the air under my nails, my feet are actually in good shape and could be much worse –  but I take it easy and cannot wait for Mia to get home. I have not seen her since Sunday and it is wonderful to spend time with her alone. When Leo gets home from music school, we finished decorating the cookies we baked before I went to hospital and the kids are full of chocolate, but I love it … and I am exhausted…. Dinner, bedtime reading and I realize that I need to rest a little more. I am ok to rest during the weekend and we do not have any plans. If I am fit on Sunday, we might see the lights parade, but I do not have the restlessness I faced beforehand and am quite happy to chill and read, when not with the kids. Mom is staying an extra night with us to make sure that I rest 😉

Sadly, I realized today, that I still do not really feel at home in this apartment, even after two years and I need to address this issue after cancer along with a lot of other things. I did spend a lot of time here at the beginning of my therapy though and I will be fine to increase the home time again, just looking after myself.

Strange things are happening – My appetite is completely gone now and I have to force myself to eat. Normally I love eating, but even being without chemo right now, I did not get my appetite back…. especially sweet things do not tempt me at all and decorating the cookies I did not even try to see what they taste like.

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7 December 2017

Hurray, hurra! They found a high level of mycoplasma antibodies in my blood and the CT showed that my lungs improved – I can go home tomorrow 🎉🎉🎉🎉

Markus saved the breakfast dilemma, by dropping off müsli, almond milk and fruit last night after reading my blog – thank you 🤩

Hans already said good by, as he is off for a few days and we are all a bit sentimental…. I am still happy to go home though.

I get my last antibiotics drip and will start with tablets in the evening, the port needle is being removed and I will get an inhalation machine to use at home. The coughing will probably continue a little bit longer, but from Tuesday no antibiotics and next chemo on Thursday!

My highlight of all my visitors was Leo ❤️ – I thought it would have been too much for Mom to bring both kids, but one is better than none. I had not seen him since Sunday, we had so much fun and I look forward to being home with the kids ❤️

I got a psychologist appointment for next week and the insurance company will have to decide, if I continue there or somewhere else – it is all a bit complicated!

Chemo buddy Katja is in full remission and only needs the radiation now🎉🎉🎉

6 December 2017

Thanks for worrying about me – I simply did not blog yesterday, but I am fine.

I am still in hospital and there were no news and no results, but the coughing is a little better! Prof. Dr. Breidenbach called me today, as she only found out now that I was to check how I was – she is so nice and will follow up with Dr. Reiser!

My cousin Sylvie is brightening my mornings with daily Soja lattes and green smoothies ❤️

I was hoping to leave hospital today and to do chemo tomorrow… Prof. Dr. Galetke came to see me at lunchtime and said that the bronchoscopy did not help them to locate the cause of my pneumonia – they tested a few, but all negative – but that they are waiting for more blood results. He wants to do another CT of my lungs tomorrow to see if there is improvement and will then see, if I can go home on Friday 🙄 no chemo until next Thursday. It annoys me, but I know I have to listen to them and Prof. Dr. Breidenbach confirmed that he is the best!

Hospital routine is getting a bit boring now… 5:30am they wake me for the first drip, then the day consists of drips and inhalations, meals and the doctor’s visit and last drip at 10:30pm…. thank god there are Hans and Franz and the other staff and my friends, who visit, call and chat to me! I try to stay positive, read, meditate, watch movies and will wait for the blood and CT outcome. I miss my kids though….

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Find the Müsli … yep – No Müsli today, la lalala lala….

4 December 2017

Not a single nurse enters my room without commenting on my Rituals advent calendar – even Hans, Franz and the Professor!

I get the wrong breakfast again and wonder if my ex roommate is enjoying my Müsli…. probably not, she order all the white flour bread and rolls I have to eat now – Sylvie saves the morning and brings a Soja Latte, fruit and a green smoothie ❤️ and for tomorrow I will get my müsli!

At lunchtime I get the info that one of my followers was just diagnosed with breastcancer on Friday…. stupid cancer! We talk a lot and I keep my fingers crossed until she has her final results!

I know that it is difficult to help and some people do not know what to say, if someone has cancer! If you don’t know how to approach a friend in a cancer situation, just send a message or call – the people, who matter to me right now, are the ones, who just do things – send presents, send messages, call me (I simply do not pick up, if I don’t want to talk…. or can’t speak like the last few weeks 😛), check how I am doing, offer help right there and then, when a situation arises, call to say they are close by and want to meet me, say they arranged a play date and can pick up the kids….. thank you to these people of actions ❤️ Show the person with cancer that you care – that is the most important!

Professor Galetke checks on me and says that the results are not back yet, but that my inflammation levels are almost back to normal! He would like to keep me longer and continue as we did until the results are here. I see the point that I have to be fit to go home – I want to get rid of the coughing once and for all! The new ward is not ready yet, but I enjoy it here and tell him what a wonderful team they have here! My Mom will arrive tomorrow to stay with Markus and the kids and I wait and see how much longer it will take….tomorrow is tumor conference and Prof. Galetke will speak to Dr. Reiser and then I will probably know more!

In the afternoon, I have seamless visits from Antje, Tina and Andrea ❤️

3 December 2017

The first snow 🤗 The kids are so excited and I wish I was with them….it is just a little icing sugar, but Leo is hoping to build a ’sandman‘! I am crossing fingers and toes for more snow ….

I am still coughing, but this is day three of all my antibiotics drips and I was up until 4am last night…. In a way this is the old me again – I am a night owl by nature and I have my most creative moments then, but I am sooo tired today. They woke me at 6:30 for the first drip and I had to get up to inhale, as the coughing did not stop. I did cry last night and that also made the coughing worse…. I put the book away for a little bit…. but had to continue….Thank god there is nothing planned today apart from a few visits 😃 Starting the next book from my mummy gang „The Rosie Project“ ….Christina comes around with a good Latte Macchiato, which helps a lot and I have not seen her for ages ❤️

I realized last night that the reason I was so busy the last month, was that I was running away…. from my thoughts. It is easier to get over something, if I am busy, but being busy is not the right thing for me at the moment and surprisingly I am absolutely fine doing nothing! I also realized that I started being ill on the 31st October and that is more than a month actually! The coughing started later though 😉 I am happy I can finally rest and hopefully recover soon!

Dr. Schünemann comes to see me again and says that I need to be patient and I will still need time to recover, which is fine and he says that I have the right attitude! Yeah! I am still coughing but think it is a little bit better today….

The running Mamas run the Nikolaus run, but honestly, I do not envy them today with the snow and the rain. Thanks Tabea for carrying my chip – it will probably be the fastest I ever ran 😉

The kids finally visit me again, but Leo did fall asleep on the way and I just take him into bed with me like last time…. I miss those cuddles …. Mia is being her temperamental self and I love them so much. They have to go and I miss them, but I have to be fit again to go home! Today she said „noodle“ for the first time…. actually „Mia more noodle“ – she eats so much!

Katja lives opposite the hospital, but cannot see me, as she got one of these kindergarten infections – even though she stopped chemo weeks a go, her immune system is still weak…. what an outlook 🙄 I am actually glad there are no more visitors and cancel Tina, as I really need time to sleep during the day!

Franz tells me that the next day the entire ward is moving to a newly renovated ward with minibar, large flat screen TV, tablet holders, balconies and somehow I am hoping that I can move with Hans & Franz despite the fact that this room already feels quite luxurious, Franz is raving about the new ward…. going home would be nice as well though 😉

I have a Sweet Sushi evening with Sylvie….. hmmmm! Much nicer than the hospital dinner, which I also had a bit of, but they serve it at 5:30 and I have to be up until at least 10:30, when the last antibiotics bag has run. I just finished the huge bag of candy Michael gave to me, but I think I actually lost weight since I arrived – Hurray to Sweet Sushi! 🍱

2 December 2017

Markus took Leo to the emergency services last night, therefore I did not switch my phone off……mild imflammation of the middle ear. Obviously he did not sleep at Carla’s, but he is fine again today. My phone is playing funny games…. it restarts every few minutes and annoys me so much that I switch it off most of the day! I was supposed to get my new phone today, but it has apparently not arrived yet and they will call me on Monday 🙄

I love my new room and the private ward …. feels like being in a hotel – nurses Hans and Franz (he is actually called Christian and I need to make an effort here) make me constantly laugh …. they are the perfect double act, but also take turns to see me and brighten my day!

Yesterday, Christian took my temperature and said that it will take three days for the antibiotics to show results. My arm is actually burning and he says that this antibiotic is very aggressive and makes my venes burst 😳 What?!?! He says that I should not worry, as it is only internal…. oh, that make a difference! Not! I wonder why they don’t give it via the port then, where it can do less damage? Christian compliments my clever idea, but refers me to the doctor. He probably think „….another smartass patient“ 😂

Hans puts the second antibiotics infusion at 8:00. After a few minutes it runs down my arm. Christian says that the venes cannot take it any more and that I will get a new intravenous access.

At lunchtime Dr. Schünemann comes to see me, tells me that they will get the results from the bronchoscopy on Monday and until then they will continue with the two antibiotics. He says that something should have been done earlier, but I told him that all doctors knew about my coughing and there was nothing else I could have done! He says that I can come and see them directly now, if anything happens again, as my immune system is really weak…. as he leaves, I quickly ask, why they don’t give the aggressive antibiotics via the port? „I don’t know – by all means you should get it via the port! Good point!“ 😁 I finally get my port punched and the antibiotics can continue. Hans and Franz stop working at lunch time and I miss them, but so far, all the staff is extremely nice! The only issue I have is pressing the button – when I was an air hostess I hated the people, who pressed the button …. it is for emergencies only, so why should I press it here when the antibiotics are finished?!?! They still insist I should press it though. Ok!

It is so nice to have a chemo free week – I don’t know if it is that or the resting, but my mind is really calm and is resting as well. I feel that my body can recover a bit from all the chemos now and I love the idea! The fact that I can easily read a book again, makes me wanting to not stop reading at all. I missed it so much and I am reading „The Life List“ (Conny’s recommendation) all day! Markus will actually drop off another book before going to Hauke’s 50th Birthday bash, which is literally around the corner.

Lars comes to see me at lunchtime and it is lovely to catch up with him! Antje sees me between two operations, as she works in Klösterchen hospital and we have not seen each other since the day I got my diagnosis. When Simone visits in the afternoon, she tells me that all apple users, who use Headspace and the meditation reminders, have the issue with the restarting phones and Apple has just released an update – whooohooo…. that fixed my phone and Simone is my hero of the day!

1 December 2017

Oh I am loving this – sleeping, resting and relaxing! I was so tired after yesterday, as they made me inhale on different machines until late at night and I really needed this!

I am on an almost constant drip of antibiotics, but I am still coughing. An atypical pneumonia is a pneumonia, but the symptoms are weaker and it is hard to detect. Low fever, if at all, low inflammation levels, hard to hear, when examining the chest, etc. and that is why it was detected so late despite the fact that I am being examined regularly prior to chemo and some of the changes in my blood levels could also have been caused by chemo.

At some point I am being rolled to the bronchioscopy. Prof. Dr. Galetke and his team are really nice and here I feel normal – there are people coughing left, right and center. They explain one more time that they will go with a tube into my lungs and already the thought makes me cringe – thank god they put me to sleep.

Waking up, Prof. Dr. Galetke says that there is pus in both side of my lungs and that he wants me to stay until Monday at least. They said I was fighting a bit and my nose is bleeding 😳

He will discuss my results with Dr. Reiser during Tuesday’s tumor conference, but I might not be able to do the chemo on Thursday….They roll me straight to my single room and I sleep a bit more! I love the room! I know I had been doing too much and maybe I needed a bit of a harder wake-up call than others, but I am here and now and do nothing else than reading (it actually works again!) and resting and only allow little windows for the phone – I needed a bit of digital detox as well.

The kids and Markus come to see me in the late afternoon – I ask all other visitors to see me during the weekend. Sylvie might pop in later, but that is ok. It is lovely to see my kids, but Leo is really sad, when they leave 😢

Markus brings along what was supposed to be my Mummy Gang Chemo present – a Rituals advent calendar ❤️ – and leaves with detailed instructions where to be when during the weekend and where to find the advent wreath and what candles to buy for it – bless him 😉