9:45am and my FitBit Alta vibrates like crazy blasting fireworks to celebrate my 10.000 steps mark…. and no, I just started my sports programme with LaufMamaLauf. The simple trick was to celebrate Karneval until the wee hours of the morning 😉

I won my FitBit a month ago, just in time to test it during my rehab!

Can I recommend it?

Yes! By all means! It wasn’t love at first sight and I still don’t like the fact that it isn’t waterproof, as I love to swim and I get angry, when I leave the pool and my FitBit moans that I have not moved for a while… but generally I like those little reminders and I celebrate the fireworks I get – stop wherever I am and have to watch it!

The ultimate highlight is the monitoring of my sleep though! Fatigue is making my daily life difficult and now I know that I sleep very restless and have something I can work on…

I am back in my daily routines of doctor appointments, administration nightmares and regulations, but it all adds to my FitBit step account and that motivates me!

I am on my way home…. the Black forrest dressed for the occasion with sugared trees, as it snowed again last night… I have never been to the black forrest, but it is so beautiful. As we pass the last mountain before reaching Freiburg, all is covered in deep snow and I love this winter wonderland… we follow a snow plow and see the black clouds hanging over Freiburg – it is breathtaking …. I love the nature, the snow, the funny accent and the wooden houses, but enough is enough and I look forward to going home!

Would I recommend Todtmoos and the Wehrawaldklinik? It depends what you are looking for…. I made the most out of my stay, but I feel that it is one of the quieter rehabs from what I heard from other rehab facilities and I would have loved to see more yoga, meditation, relaxation, creative therapies and maybe creative sports, like Zumba or any feel good activities. Half of the patients are here for psychosomatic issues and they had by far more activities like that.

I am happy they do, but why would you not offer it to cancer patients? Isn’t our soul entitled to relax, unwind and try new things? Isn’t cancer something that can cause mental stress?!? Don’t we classify?!? Is rehab only looking at the physical side of things? If these activities are offered at the clinic anyway, why not offer it to cancer patients as well?!?

I have benefitted from the rehab and would say that it was ok, but I would not rave about it… I kept a little bit quiet and to myself, but some connections I made were special and especially during my last week, I enjoyed the company and conversations, but I really wanted to focus on myself and the peace and quietness!

What are your experiences, my fellow cancer folks?! What were your expectations?

I wanted to tackle my cancer fatigue, I wanted to get fit again and hopefully loose some weight (which was a success, but not due to any programme the clinic recommended, but just sports and healthy nutrition and being sick for two weeks), have some mindful me time, where I recharge my batteries (and the quietness and rest certainly were good for me), have someone work on softening my scars (I had once a week lymph drainage, so that helped) and return fit and strong into everyday life….. I doubt that I am much fitter or stronger, but I will wait what it will be like once I am at home!

Next step – Karneval in Nippes with my kids this afternoon, hopefully a wee bit of Karneval for myself tonight and starting my life without a household aid tomorrow…. wish me luck!

There is a new tab in my blog „What helped me?“ with things that helped me during therapy and I will continue to talk about rehab and follow up care! Let me know what you think and if there are any tips you would like me to include….

#feelitonthefirst – did you know that you need to not only check your boobs, but also the area around it until you reach the collar bones and arm pits?

Start with a visual check – is anything different? Any lumps, dents, any change of colour? Continue to examine the entire chests area laying on your back and side using the three middle fingers. Move in little circles all over your chest area in rows like a lawn mower. If you are not sure, there are several instructions how to do it on YouTube and websites like Brustkrebszentrale.de!!

There is no screening programme in place for people under 50 and you know what, in the mammogram my tumor was in fact hardly visible, as smaller and younger boobs are too tight for good results! Ultrasound would be a better, but it is not part of the regular check up…. and therefore it is your responsibility, as you are the expert, when it comes to your body and you need to look after it!

I will not get tired of repeating that I only found my lump by accident and I had only been to a regular check with my gynecologist three months earlier and there was nothing…. another three months later and I don’t want to imagine what the consequences would have been – I could literally watch my tumor grow and it scared the hell out of me…. breast cancer treatments have many options and advance fast, but the chances get slimmer the later the cancer is diagnosed.

My rehab is coming to an end and the endless days of sunshine as well…. my skiing plans will probably be replaced by more knitting and crochet work – anything that helps to get some feelings back into my fingertips 😉I will give you an update once I leave the black forrest, will digital detox a bit longer and try to find a bit of Karneval in Todtmoos!

I feel that I benefitted from the rehab, as no matter how fit, unfit, awake or tired I am, I had a time out to focus only on myself and I could mentally recharge my batteries…. the fatigue is still there, but today is actually a good day – right now I feel slightly more awake (which might be different in an hour, but I am grateful for any small improvement along the way)! Onwards and upwards ❤️

Gee, I really should play the lottery…..

According to the rehab doctors it is a miracle that I have not developed a lymphedema yet, as we are being told – and no matter if only one sentinel was removed or 20 lymph knots – the following are total no gos for us:

– sauna, sunbathing or any kind of heat (oups….18 months of sauna…. guilty)

– increasing your circulation (no extreme sport, no massage, no heat…. whoops…. I love massages and my sports)

– weight lifting with the concerned arm (no lifting of anything heavy actually, no working with weights, etc. and no yoga positions, where the arms hold any of my body weight…. same goes for push ups, etc….. hmmm…. tubes, push-ups, burpees, yoga…. guilty in all aspects)

– extreme Probleme fast movement with the arms (no Nordic walking… – I might be ok here 😉)

Apparently, you can develop a lymphedema years after your sentinel removal and once you have one, you keep it forever. Hmmm…. I think there is more panic than necessary, but I shall be cautious – in some areas 😉

Rehab recap – I feel still extremely exhausted and I have no idea how to handle everyday life, but will give it a go. A bit of normality is maybe just what I need… step number one – learning to handle life without my household aids. Step two – finding back into working life: Reintegration will start April 1st and if all goes according to plan, I should be up and running by mid May…. theoretically! The doctors don’t think that this Willen enough time, but it is the maximum they can suggest and my doctor at home needs to adjust it according to how I am coping. I just hope that the fatigue will go away …. the miracle Talasar pills did not do their magic, but at least I tried! I enjoy the peace and quietness, the sunshine and will benefit as much as I can from the sports offered! Our walking rounds have really accelerated and after climbing the stiff hill to the clinic, I need a break! I sneakily sit in the sun for a wee bit enjoying my time before the weather shall turn tomorrow…

Oh and yes, we watched the Karneval parade with „Narri Narro“ instead of „Alaaf“ confetti instead of „Kamelle“…. what an experience…. as long as you don’t start comparing 😉

Hello World, hello Life!

Since my cold stuck like glue and the doctor heard something in my lung, while my inflamation levels are high, I was put on antibiotics on Tuesday. There is improvement… finally …. at long last and I am glad I had booked a day trip to Freiburg today!

Rehab recap so far….

Todtmoos is an internet free zone and mobile reception is next to nothing (at least for Vodaphone clients like me – they dream about 3G, but only get Edge…. in some place). As a consequence a little bit of digital detox comes in quite naturally for a while and I deliberately decide to not buy hotspot access and take a time out, but it is lovely to finally update my FitBit (it actually believes that I have not slept for a week 😳), check my messages and do anything I cannot do on my laptop…. and another highlight is to catch up with my fellow cancer blogger buddy Leukofighter Alex, who could not make it our blogger workshop, but who actually lives in Freiburg!

He shows me around town, there is Guggamusic blasting through the alleyways and it is great – the sun is shining, we even see the French Alpes, I see and learn a lot about Freiburg, but most importantly, we chat away and it is so good to see him!

Due to my cold, I have now missed out on two weeks of sport. Actually, I still did all sport programmes like mobilisation gymnastics, Qi Gong and yoga, as my pulse does not even rise, but I got the no go for swimming, aqua gym and walking…. in a way, the calm was good and I hope I can be back on a fitter track starting Monday!

What did I do in the meantime after my kids departed?!? I am the proud producer of a knitted hat and scarf and I used the sewing machine the creativity lab to make a hoody and cardigan for myself, a loop Mia and long sleeve for Leo …. I am reading and sleeping and it is good!

I don’t think that this rehab is increasing my fitness level, as it seems to be tailored to people, who are very sick, old or have never done any sports, but I still benefit, as I can do things my way.

For now, my main goal is to find back into normal life without a household aid and after April 1st into working life…. rehab is actually planning my reintegration with my employer and I am guided into the next steps: getting signed off sick from the day after rehab until the end of reintegration and registering with Arbeitsamt, as the health insurance payments end March 9 – which is ok, as the pension fund payments, which I get during rehab, will continue to be paid until I am fully back in job…. there is a lot going on and I am grateful that I am getting the support!

What are the rehab people like? Everything and anything… all walks of life, but I am one of the younger folks…. and now I am on my little pensioner bus returning to rehab!

I am sick as a dog – a really bad cold kills my last energy….the kids are here and I simply do not have the nerve and power to do things with them the way I want to. If at least I could sleep in their apartment during the weekend, but the clinic said no 😢… I see their point that I am ill and I need a good night’s sleep to recover, but it is so hard to leave them at night….

There is also a positive side to everything though and due to my cold, I am not allowed to go to walking or aqua gym, which means I a lot more time with the kids and Monday, I just have to switch a seminar and can spend almost all day with them…. Yipehhhh!

It is the hardest bit during this whole cancer journey though! As much as my kids motivate me, give me strength and structure to my day, not being able to be there for them as much as I want just hurts. I am too tired, too thin skinned, too weak….. and it is something I just don’t want to accept!

It hurts and I push myself and as hard as it is, I have to admit that I am at the moment not fit enough for my kids! Daily life actually scares me right now and I have no idea how I will find my way back into working life, but this is one of the goals of rehab….

One problem though: Being tired all the time, means that I have no reserves for colds or other illnesses, which might play it’s role in the whole dilemma though and I am waiting for my mind to clear 😉

I am still happy to have my kids here and to generally have my kids, but I think that I will probably benefit best from rehab after cold and kids have departed.

My mind spins, after I see a terrible accident yesterday, where three kids on a sledge crash high speed into the end of the slope – just meters away from us – and are being catapulted into the air to crash onto the frozen ground and some abandoned concrete pipes. I still see them flying in slow motion and one girl, the eldest, probably 10 or 12, was actually flown to Freiburg with severe injuries!

They did not wear helmets and neither did Mia and I, as we just returned from the ticket booth. I had my back towards to slope and did not even see them come…. I am hoping that the kids will be ok, I am grateful that none of us were hit, I love my kids and it breaks my heart! Helmets can save lives!

Today I actually notice the first improvement…. yipehhh!! Onwards and upwards!!

PS: i am really bad at replying to messages of any kind – the internet is dreadful and sometimes I receive messages, but it doesn’t mean I can answer 🤷‍♀️ thank you for your understanding!

There is fresh snow everywhere and the clouds open. I feel the warm rays in my face while doing Qi-Gong and I feel happy.

I feel I have arrived in rehab mode. The new doctor wants to see me today, as the lung test shows that my volume is restricted, which is probably due to the pneumonia I had December 2017…..She examines me, as I am coughing and says I should not trivilise my cold. She takes aqua gym and walking off my schedule, as I have a bit of a temperature, prescribes some medication and I shall see her first thing tomorrow morning.

While the vibration lounger is loosening my tight muscles, the psychological group session catches my interest. There is one man amongst us breasties – yes, men can also have breast cancer – and it is a new perspective.

I have a vibration therapy for my fingers on an Anduflex cushion and now I want to go to the crafts room before I have a single session with the psychologist…. I stroll along, at ease, and look forward to a little rest in between taking in as much sunshine as I can. It feels so good….

What I forgot to mention yesterday, is the blue fatigue brochure I received. It is published by German Cancer Aid, German Cancer Society and German Fatigue Society.

The blue guidebook series includes approximately 150 brochure, all well researched, tailored to patients, relatives and anyone interested. They cover all different types of cancer, but also related topics like prevention, fertility, fatigue, etc. Not only do they give answers to medical questions, they also offer help and show perspectives. The booklets are available with most onchologists or can be ordered directly via the German Cancer Aid website.

Deutsche Krebshilfe (German Cancer Aid) is a non-profit organisation financed purely by donations and definitely something worthwhile supporting.

#Fatigue – what is that?!?

Are you tired? Why don’t you sleep a bit more?!? If it was that easy….

I check Wikipedia:

Cancer-related fatigue is a subjective symptom of fatigue that is experienced by nearly all cancer patients.

Among patients receiving cancer treatment other than surgery, it is essentially universal. Fatigue is a normal and expected side effect of most forms of chemotherapy, radiation therapy, and biotherapy.^[1] On average, cancer-related fatigue is „more severe, more distressing, and less likely to be relieved by rest“ than fatigue experienced by healthy people.^[1] It can range from mild to severe, and may be either temporary or a long-term effect.

Fatigue may be a symptom of the cancer, or it may be the result of treatments for the cancer.

So, what helps? If only I knew…. I start to feel the fatigue in May/ June during radio therapy and the only relief I had was after my cure in Avène, but it was only that I suddenly had single days, where I would not feel like I had participated in a marathon during the night 😉

Sports helps and now I shall try Talasar pills for 10 days. It is a natural product with saffron…. If there is no improvement, I shall stop using it and I actually would not mind… the Swabians have a reputation of being tight, but €29 for 30 herbal pills?!?! Let’s wait and see….

Since fatigue never stops me, I still join the others to go to Bernau after breakfast on Sunday. We see the snow sculptures – or rather the leftovers – and I hit the slopes for an hour until it storms and rains. What to do?!? I am exhausted and stuck in Bernau, but I find my way home and finish my first beanie in the crafts room with lots of ladies singing along horrible folk songs blasting out of the radio. I don’t like the music, but I enjoy the atmosphere, the colours, the creativity and company.

All is arranged for my rehab extension…. in a way I don’t want to do it, but a) do I think that it will help me and b) am I a bit scared to say no, as I don’t know what the reaction would be and I want to say that I really tried everything to overcome my fatigue and to get fit again!

I miss my kids and they will celebrate Karneval without me….

Oh, and you know what?!? I absolutely love Karneval – not the traditional Karneval with uniforms and lame jokes, but the Karneval in the pubs and streets away from the tourist areas…. the songs in local dialect, which are mainly all about Cologne, heart, Rhine, friends and time! All in different orders though 😉

Missing Karneval means a lot to me, as I will only return a day after it is all over…. but a) Karneval is every year and b) I have celebrated Karneval in the Caribbean, Rio and Düsseldorf and now the list will feature Todtmoos. The festivities started today and they scream „Marie“ and throw gingerbread, costumes seem to be only witches and instruments are horns and drums…. whatever – it will have to do for this year!

After my sports units, I take the bus to Bad Säckingen, which is next to the Rhine river that marks the Swiss border. There is a bridge crossing the river and therefore I have been to Switzerland today! People go shopping on the German side, but live in Switzerland and customs is having a close eye…. I only buy some material though and stuff for the kids, but what a lovely little town.

As the bus drives along the winding roads to Todtmoos, I chat away with the other rehab buddies and some people from Berlin, who are visiting a Zen monastery … we pass the snow line and I am actually quite happy to return to my little winter wonderland!

PS: little correction – I am allowed to eat soup and dessert…. the sign was only for the 1.500 kcal diet patients 😉

The sun is shining and the snow is sparkling. I am slowly arriving in rehab mode and despite moments, when I feel like in an old people’s home, I feel that it is good for me …. the dancing teacher is 80+ and we are all holding hands, but the „what the hell am I doing here“ turns into „whatever it takes, it somehow relaxes me“!

The food is good – I think the restaurant and I just had a bad start 😉 I am now seeing fresh meals and I am asking for what I need. Concerning almond, oat or whatever milk alternatives, I need to talk to them dietician, but I am ok with it and will see her as soon as she is back from sick leave.

After having a bit of a rushed feeling during my first examination, I have my first senior doctor’s visit lined up today and I now feel that they really care.

After listening to my story, she orders a lung function test and says that the fatigue is the main issue. Fatigue is difficult to handle and she recommends Talasar for ten days to see, if it helps, as the German Fatigue society strongly recommends it. She wants to keep me for four weeks to have a better chance for a strong return into my everyday life. I know it is the best for my health, but it is Karneval and despite the fact that the kids‘ costumes are ready, I need to make sure that I still have the household aids, etc. before I can say yes.

She will then recommend to starts back into working life after 4 weeks as slowly as possible! Babysteps….

And now, I have Qi Gong, a talk, aqua gym and I will use my daily walking unit to explore Todtmoos and go with a rehab buddy to the hairdressers – she needs a trim, not me, but I can probably do with a little clean up around the edges 😉. It is beautiful outside and I cannot wait!