„Your breast is so much better than last week“ – I am happy that my breast does not only cheer up my doctor, but also my physio therapist Alexandra Dietrich! The breast is ready to be cupped…. ouch…. if I had known how painful this is, I would not have gotten the permission from my doctor and oncologist….. the cupping itself is not the problem, but she actually moves the cupping glass across my breast…. uhhh!! I hope it helps though, but I really trust her – Frau Dietrich … not my breast!

Happy, but tired (yes, I had my first wee Gin Tonic last night at Maja’s Birthday gathering in her allotment garden and a little wine, but it feels like I drank the entire stock) I return home to meet Nadine, who wants to take a few picture! We have breakfast and start our little tour around the botanical gardens.

I know Nadine through kindergarten, she is a film maker, a photographer and she has become my friend since my diagnosis – we have a lovely time and now I am resting before I dive into the afternoon with the kids.

And if there is any energy left, I have my monthly girls get together at Schillplatz tonight…. one of my favorite places in Nippes ❤️

My life is beautiful right now, two of my buddies had positive check-ups, it’s a beautiful day, but my thoughts are with Rachael, who is facing her final days with her little family and it breaks my heart how unfair and cruel cancer is playing! Cancer – I hate you so much!

Prof. Dr. Breidenbach checks my breast today! I am a bit nervous, hope all is alright and remember how I went to see her a year ago for the first time.

„I am really amazed how wonderful your breast is recovering! Much better than expected and there is no water retention, no lymphoma, nothing to worry about! The breasts are all fine and so are the lymphknots!“ is what I hear as the ultrasound head moves all over my breasts….Pfewww… what a relieve!

I am grateful for the reconfirmation and happy that I will only have to see her in December for the next check…

Ultrasound has saved my life and while a mammogram is a normal check for women over 50, there are no mandatory screening checks for young women….my gynecologist checked my breasts and felt the knot I had discovered and said „oh, probably just a cyst!“ and if she had not said „but I better check it with the ultrasound to be on the safe side!“, I might no longer be here! There are too many stories of young women being sent home, as something they feel „is probably just a cyst“, as they are too young for breast cancer!

Ultrasound can save lives and there is definitely improvement needed in our health system to make sure that young women are checked properly! #nevertooyoung

Family time – I am alone with the kids until the early afternoon …. happy to spend the day between pancakes, playdoh and books, but exhausted and no rest for the wicked – we bought a bunk bed for the kids on eBay, which needs assembling… quite a task with these little rascals, but they actually enjoy it 😉 and I am frustrated, as half the screws are missing 🤦‍♀️

Have a nice Sunday – I am back to the construction site in the kids‘ room and then, I need some rest – after trying the popcorn cake I made yesterday! Pfewww….I am a bit sick, have hot flushes and will probably be in bed before the kids! I am also very thin skinned and ready to burst…. breath, breath, breath! Back to my doctor’s‘ routines tomorrow 😉

I always thought that I was lucky in life and would never be seriously sick…. I was never really ill, never broke a bone, did not even have all the kids deseases…. sometimes, as a kid, I wanted to be ill, have an operation, get a cast, braces or at least glasses, but nothing and therefore I felt that I was immune to everything….. well, I had to think again! It can hit anyone!

Feel your boobs on the first! I won’t get tired of telling everyone over and over again that a quick body check can save your life – it is nothing to be ashamed of. I was raised in a generation, where you would not speak about boobs or genitals, leave alone check them. I believe that children have a natural body awareness and we need to make sure that they keep it for their entire body and learn that there can be issues with legs, toes, tummies, but also boobs, poo or genitals and it is nothing to be ashamed of, as not having it checked, if something feels wrong or letting a doctor brush you off, because you are young, can be a matter of life or death! Love yourself enough to look after yourself, check your body and make sure you do something about it, if something feels wrong!

I felt a lump while showering…. thank goodness, as I never checked my boobs – never! My doctor checked them in May and there was nothing! It was there – from one day to the other and in case you wonder what it feels like?!? Mine was hard as a stone, big as a chestnut and the little one felt like pebble stone under my skin… and yesterday one year ago my doctor said „I am sorry, but it is cancer and a really aggressive one as well, fast growing and happy to metastasis“.

There are different symptoms and self examination is not the holy grail, go to your regular check-ups as well, make sure you check your breast standing up for the outer tissue and laying down for the deeper one, check if there is discharge or dents – if you are unsure, think that something is not right, go and see a doctor and insist to be checked properly, as you can have breast cancer at any age!

This is an early #feelitonthefirst post – today is my one year cancerversary of my diagnosis and how do I feel?!? Terrible!

This is the day I was sure that I would be back in my normal life after a summer of fun and a big bash to say thank you to everyone and celebrate life! But instead I am still in chemo, I am always tired – even after a long sleep, I feel exhausted, my breast hurts and my back as well and I want to be fit again! It is probably all the flashbacks that drag me down a bit… and the worry will hopefully go away on Monday, when I have a date with my doctor and my oncologist.

But then, I get a message from Nicole – we were diagnosed on the same day and I have a coffee, a shower and start reflecting the last year…. yes, I could have done without cancer and yes, it is horrible to live with the fear, but hey – I am here, I am alive and kicking and I gained so much…. weight…. yep, that’s not good, but my attitude towards excess weight is much better and my life is enriched! What I really gained though is a new perspective. There are now so many wonderful people I met throughout my cancer journey, I no longer want to miss and my journey so far is a success story, as I am cancer free as far as I am concerned. The oral chemo will be finished end of November. There will be rehab and a final operation and then it’s over and done with! Finito! Bye bye Breastcancer!

Maja visits and I am off to lymphdrainage and I am happy and thankful, a bit sentimental, but eager to live! Take care of yourself!

Chemo sister Block asks what I do against cancer fatigue „sports and deleting 1/3 of my to do list“ and she bursts out laughing together with nurse Fassbender, who giggles in the background. It’s maybe not a good day, as I am extremely tired and have already been to the beautician and the alternative practitioner – who now tries ultrasound on my hip to reduce bone aches …. whatever 🤷‍♀️ I try anything.

My veins are a nightmare at the moment, but that is a normal thing for cancer patients, either they don’t find them or they don’t punch them properly or there is no blood…. whatever it is, I get really irritated from being punched, when she wiggles the needle in my arm!

I sit quietly with a poke bowl, breath and rest before picking up the kids and their play date from Kindergarten…. and tonight? Tonight I will be in bed really early and do absolutely nothing!

Perspective – My kids live in their own little world sometimes – Leo is building a solar system with hulas and is flying as a crazy Saturn through the Kindergarten grounds, while Mia is a baby fairy, a baby giraffe and a baby cat and sometimes all together and I, I also build my little world within my possibilities… going to LaufMamaLauf and the post office are more than enough to kill my energy, a coffee with Mona recharges batteries and unpacking a suitcase after I shower, takes an effort like climbing Everest, but I manage – proud as anything!

Our friend Sandra from Austria is passing through Cologne and visits with her three girls, I manage to prepare waffle dough and coffee with the kids, while I leave the baking to Steffi – our household aid – have a lovely chat and hearing the kids – mainly Mia – bubbling and giggling away, makes my heart jump ❤️ She admires those ‚big‘ girls, who are equally impressed by her saying the alphabet for 100th time and recapturing every little detail from our holiday!

My little perfect world circulates around my kids, a few daily duties and doctor’s appointments, as I am still in chemo treatment, but there is a parallel universe, where I am being far away from everything and tonight is one of those moments, where I am in another world. Lea and I spend the evening in the Residenz cinema – a wonderful place and I have never seen anything quite like it. We are confused when being handed 3D glasses, as we bought tickets for „The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society“ – a book club story about heroism, love and resistance during the war, tragedy, pen pals and soul connections in the beautiful settings of London and Guernsey in 1946. Not the typical 3D material, but we quite quickly learn that we are supposed to be in the small cinema next door, where we are sitting in wide comfy seats with foot stools in an intimate private atmosphere with only a few guests amongst bookshelves sipping a welcome drink! I naturally cry my eyes out, as I hear feel the wind amongst the cliffs, breath the salty air and feel the love…only during little blinks do I think about cancer and death, mainly due to the story line, but I also think about my little story of love, lost love and soul connections… while enjoying my time-out! What a little gem – I will be back ❤️

A year ago today, I was at breakfast with my mummy friends, relieved that I had both kids in day care for the first time ever and a couple of weeks left for myself before returning to work…. just then, I remembered that I wanted to see my gynecologist because of that knot…. I was luck to get an appointment straight away, which I postponed to Wednesday due to the kids…. but then I changed my mind, asked our babysitter to take over and went to see Dr. Rix.

„Oh, it’s probably a cyst, as you just stopped breastfeeding, but let me have a look!“ The only thing I have ever seen on the ultrasound were eggs, babies and anything positive, but there was this black lump… and that fact that she tried to call a colleague there and then, worried me! She made an appointment with Prof. Dr. Breidenbach for a biopsy the next day and said it could be anything… but how she held my hand and wished me good luck, worried me again…. I had known her for years – it was that look!

Today I am with my physio therapist and she says that I should get an ultrasound of my breast, as something is strange….. hopefully just water, maybe the haematoma started to finally dissolve or maybe a lyphoedema… now I have flashbacks…. I get an appointment for Monday… and again I have flashbacks…. it was the Monday before my yoga and wellness retreat last year that I went to Dr. Rix…. but what can I do?!?

Shopping! I need a dress for the Dreamball in Berlin – whoohooo … I am so excited to go – and sometimes I think that I have developed a shopping addiction, as I walk home with a dress, a sweater and some trousers and I don’t want to check my bank account…. but it was all on sale 😉

Coffee is my remedy…. I love coffee! Not just the coffee itself, but the mood around it! Coffee let’s me sit down, I smell it, nip the foam, take the first zip and breath. I can drink it alone or with company and my coffee dates are like therapy for me….

It is the first day past our vacation, it is hectic, Markus is at the doctors and I need forever to drop the kids off. But I manage it and there are no tears and I see my psycho oncologist…. without breakfast and without coffee! But I have my coffee now – with fresh orange juice and a Müsli in Café Krümel ….. ahhhh! Life is beautiful and I enjoy my little time out before I get some groceries and face the mess and to do list at home…. or maybe I just mediate and sleep, when I get home 😉

I sit there, at a small table on the pavement outside the little café, a cool breeze let’s me shiver, which is something I am not used to any more… I wear closed shoes for the first time since week, as we are having this amazing summer…. it will be warm again in a couple of days, it is sunny! I sit quietly and watch the people – a young mother is passing by on her bike, talking to the kids in the bike trailer and next to me a group of international students is planning a trip to Spain, while the pensioners at the traffic light chat about their last vacation…..and I wonder, if I will ever manage a normal life again…. I get stressed with little things I would normally not even think about…. and I mean little!

But for now, I get my book out and have another coffee! Enjoy your Monday!

Fun fact – little Bennet sees me for the first time with hair…. „hey, you have hair again – last time you looked like Valdemort“ oh, thanks – I guess that was a compliment 😂 Now that makes up for my post chemo and post holiday excess weight of meanwhile 10 kgs 😳

I am officially back from my time out, rested, stronger, less bones aches, more energy…. I might have spent all last night though, when I danced away till the wee hours of the morning, but at least for one day I felt strong and full of power. It was a beautiful party with friends I know for more than 20 years…. but up til then it was all week good food, a bit of wine and happy kids – my remedy – and daily sports… Pilates, yoga, step aerobics, stretching, stand up paddling, aqua gymnastics, I was a jack of all trades…. low key of course 😉 I hope once I am more awake, I can confirm that I still feel stronger…. now I have a sore throat from singing and talking and a nostalgic trip through the 80s and 90s…. all the memories – I am grateful and happy!

Today I feel old and tired, but I think that I am in good company ….. It was a long and wild party, but today is not just any day – one year ago, I had a shower in a hotel in London and felt a knot in my breast, hard as a stone, big as a cherry…. I had just stopped nursing Mia ten days earlier…. probably just a cyst…. nothing to worry! Oh, boy, was I wrong!

It only took five days to know that this was an aggressive little knot, fast growing – very fast growing, minimal hormone receptive and happy to metastasize…. my world was turned upside down and it scared the hell out of me! „Give me all the chemo you have…. anything it takes, I will do it!“ and I did it, ticked off one by one, an operation, 16 chemos, pneumonia, another operation, 28 radiations and little complications and bits and bobs, but my little friend decided to be stronger than expected and after all of the treatments, it shrank, but was still alive and kicking, the little rascal….less fast growing, but mutated to a triple negative…. thank you! Now I am taking chemo pills and I hope that the end of therapy is end of this year! Enough is enough and I want to go to rehab, dance with Paula at the seaside and drink Gin Tonics shouting „it’s a wrap“!

One year of fears, tears, but also laughter, strength and amazing people, who I would have never met….it makes me stronger, a better person and I am determined to change something…. not only in my life, I want to raise more awareness, make cancer visible, give it a face and make sure that women and men look after themselves! We only have this one life!! And I try to live it to the fullest, while carefully choosing what to use my energy for…. I am more and more aware, am living the moment, try to look after myself and dance in the rain and I know that there is an army of wonderful people out there, who go along with me and I am thankful for every single one! Thank you for going on this journey with me, being there in real life or virtually – today I am not throwing my „Thank you to all & I am cancer free“ Party, as planned…. but I danced away last night and am enjoying my life and I am thankful for being alive! Please look after yourselves! YOLO!