I am sitting on the train to my yoga and wellness retreat – just like last year – with my rain coat under my arm…. last year I sat on this train, it was the day after my diagnosis. I spent the time informing everyone I possibly could that I was diagnosed with breast cancer. Scared, but positive and determined! I was too puzzled and confused and as a result I left my raincoat on the train…. and I never got it back!

I used this weekend to pack a bag full of positive and happy moments for the months ahead of me!

This year, I have a new raincoat and I look forward to packing another bag! Silke will be there with me again, but this year Inga is joining us and the outlook is much happier, as I am soon facing the end of my treatment and slowly going back into ’normal life‘ – whatever it will be. It will be my old life, but with a new twist… and for now, I am off to packing my bag! Namaste!

PS: I did complete the 5k B2 Run – running – slowly, but running!

Photo: Nadine Heller Menzel

Bag: Miss Souk

#throwbackthursday – the picture is 10 years old and was taken when I ran my first half marathon ever….. and it meant so much to me.

I was always terrible at sports, one of the last to be selected into any team and I dreaded sports lessons… running was the worst, but I started slowly and trained while working onboard cruiseships. A 10k New Years run to Werl was something I never thought I could do… but I did it and the next step after a few shorter runs, was my first half marathon!

I was so proud and to top it, I started to train for a real marathon…. I had a plan, which I followed meticulously and even a special diet for the day prior to my marathon and the actual marathon day. And you know what?!? I did it – I finished the marathon almost effortlessly, as I met a girl during the run and we chatted away after km 6 or 8…. it took me 5 hours, but I had a great time…. and what followed were marathon two and three to improve my time….

During my first pregnancy 2016, I suddenly could not run any more and I missed it…. being pregnant again while still nursing baby No. 1, running was the last thing on my mind…. my time with the running Mamas has since the beginning been a walking event for me… as after the babies my pelvic floor was not in running mode 😉

But things changed and despite the fact that I went from nursing baby no. 2 straight into chemo and could still not run, I could suddenly run again in June… and I ran the Pink run of 5k!

And despite being on an all time low, as I am tired as anything, I will try to run the B2 run with my colleagues tonight! Wish me luck! #believeinyourself

At lunchtime I learn that Rachael Bland passed away this morning…. and I cannot stop thinking about her husband and her wee son 💔

Yes, my life continues and I am ever so grateful! I get comments that I no longer do coffee dates and yes, I am too tired, to busy, but I have coffee with my running Mamas after my LaufMamaLauf Sport Session today and I love the coffee scene Nadine shot yesterday…. ties in quite nicely, as coffee plays such a major role in my cancer story!

I see my oncologist later today and due to my chemo brain, I prepared a long list with questions.

But for now, I don’t feel like writing about me – Rachael was such an inspiration to me and her podcast „You, me and the Big C“ (please download it) will be continued by Debs and Lolli, who inspire me as well, will continue what the three of them started. Her legacy will live on, but for today I am heart broken and I am sending all my love to her family 💔

„Your breast is so much better than last week“ – I am happy that my breast does not only cheer up my doctor, but also my physio therapist Alexandra Dietrich! The breast is ready to be cupped…. ouch…. if I had known how painful this is, I would not have gotten the permission from my doctor and oncologist….. the cupping itself is not the problem, but she actually moves the cupping glass across my breast…. uhhh!! I hope it helps though, but I really trust her – Frau Dietrich … not my breast!

Happy, but tired (yes, I had my first wee Gin Tonic last night at Maja’s Birthday gathering in her allotment garden and a little wine, but it feels like I drank the entire stock) I return home to meet Nadine, who wants to take a few picture! We have breakfast and start our little tour around the botanical gardens.

I know Nadine through kindergarten, she is a film maker, a photographer and she has become my friend since my diagnosis – we have a lovely time and now I am resting before I dive into the afternoon with the kids.

And if there is any energy left, I have my monthly girls get together at Schillplatz tonight…. one of my favorite places in Nippes ❤️

My life is beautiful right now, two of my buddies had positive check-ups, it’s a beautiful day, but my thoughts are with Rachael, who is facing her final days with her little family and it breaks my heart how unfair and cruel cancer is playing! Cancer – I hate you so much!

Prof. Dr. Breidenbach checks my breast today! I am a bit nervous, hope all is alright and remember how I went to see her a year ago for the first time.

„I am really amazed how wonderful your breast is recovering! Much better than expected and there is no water retention, no lymphoma, nothing to worry about! The breasts are all fine and so are the lymphknots!“ is what I hear as the ultrasound head moves all over my breasts….Pfewww… what a relieve!

I am grateful for the reconfirmation and happy that I will only have to see her in December for the next check…

Ultrasound has saved my life and while a mammogram is a normal check for women over 50, there are no mandatory screening checks for young women….my gynecologist checked my breasts and felt the knot I had discovered and said „oh, probably just a cyst!“ and if she had not said „but I better check it with the ultrasound to be on the safe side!“, I might no longer be here! There are too many stories of young women being sent home, as something they feel „is probably just a cyst“, as they are too young for breast cancer!

Ultrasound can save lives and there is definitely improvement needed in our health system to make sure that young women are checked properly! #nevertooyoung

Family time – I am alone with the kids until the early afternoon …. happy to spend the day between pancakes, playdoh and books, but exhausted and no rest for the wicked – we bought a bunk bed for the kids on eBay, which needs assembling… quite a task with these little rascals, but they actually enjoy it 😉 and I am frustrated, as half the screws are missing 🤦‍♀️

Have a nice Sunday – I am back to the construction site in the kids‘ room and then, I need some rest – after trying the popcorn cake I made yesterday! Pfewww….I am a bit sick, have hot flushes and will probably be in bed before the kids! I am also very thin skinned and ready to burst…. breath, breath, breath! Back to my doctor’s‘ routines tomorrow 😉

I always thought that I was lucky in life and would never be seriously sick…. I was never really ill, never broke a bone, did not even have all the kids deseases…. sometimes, as a kid, I wanted to be ill, have an operation, get a cast, braces or at least glasses, but nothing and therefore I felt that I was immune to everything….. well, I had to think again! It can hit anyone!

Feel your boobs on the first! I won’t get tired of telling everyone over and over again that a quick body check can save your life – it is nothing to be ashamed of. I was raised in a generation, where you would not speak about boobs or genitals, leave alone check them. I believe that children have a natural body awareness and we need to make sure that they keep it for their entire body and learn that there can be issues with legs, toes, tummies, but also boobs, poo or genitals and it is nothing to be ashamed of, as not having it checked, if something feels wrong or letting a doctor brush you off, because you are young, can be a matter of life or death! Love yourself enough to look after yourself, check your body and make sure you do something about it, if something feels wrong!

I felt a lump while showering…. thank goodness, as I never checked my boobs – never! My doctor checked them in May and there was nothing! It was there – from one day to the other and in case you wonder what it feels like?!? Mine was hard as a stone, big as a chestnut and the little one felt like pebble stone under my skin… and yesterday one year ago my doctor said „I am sorry, but it is cancer and a really aggressive one as well, fast growing and happy to metastasis“.

There are different symptoms and self examination is not the holy grail, go to your regular check-ups as well, make sure you check your breast standing up for the outer tissue and laying down for the deeper one, check if there is discharge or dents – if you are unsure, think that something is not right, go and see a doctor and insist to be checked properly, as you can have breast cancer at any age!

This is an early #feelitonthefirst post – today is my one year cancerversary of my diagnosis and how do I feel?!? Terrible!

This is the day I was sure that I would be back in my normal life after a summer of fun and a big bash to say thank you to everyone and celebrate life! But instead I am still in chemo, I am always tired – even after a long sleep, I feel exhausted, my breast hurts and my back as well and I want to be fit again! It is probably all the flashbacks that drag me down a bit… and the worry will hopefully go away on Monday, when I have a date with my doctor and my oncologist.

But then, I get a message from Nicole – we were diagnosed on the same day and I have a coffee, a shower and start reflecting the last year…. yes, I could have done without cancer and yes, it is horrible to live with the fear, but hey – I am here, I am alive and kicking and I gained so much…. weight…. yep, that’s not good, but my attitude towards excess weight is much better and my life is enriched! What I really gained though is a new perspective. There are now so many wonderful people I met throughout my cancer journey, I no longer want to miss and my journey so far is a success story, as I am cancer free as far as I am concerned. The oral chemo will be finished end of November. There will be rehab and a final operation and then it’s over and done with! Finito! Bye bye Breastcancer!

Maja visits and I am off to lymphdrainage and I am happy and thankful, a bit sentimental, but eager to live! Take care of yourself!

Chemo sister Block asks what I do against cancer fatigue „sports and deleting 1/3 of my to do list“ and she bursts out laughing together with nurse Fassbender, who giggles in the background. It’s maybe not a good day, as I am extremely tired and have already been to the beautician and the alternative practitioner – who now tries ultrasound on my hip to reduce bone aches …. whatever 🤷‍♀️ I try anything.

My veins are a nightmare at the moment, but that is a normal thing for cancer patients, either they don’t find them or they don’t punch them properly or there is no blood…. whatever it is, I get really irritated from being punched, when she wiggles the needle in my arm!

I sit quietly with a poke bowl, breath and rest before picking up the kids and their play date from Kindergarten…. and tonight? Tonight I will be in bed really early and do absolutely nothing!

Perspective – My kids live in their own little world sometimes – Leo is building a solar system with hulas and is flying as a crazy Saturn through the Kindergarten grounds, while Mia is a baby fairy, a baby giraffe and a baby cat and sometimes all together and I, I also build my little world within my possibilities… going to LaufMamaLauf and the post office are more than enough to kill my energy, a coffee with Mona recharges batteries and unpacking a suitcase after I shower, takes an effort like climbing Everest, but I manage – proud as anything!

Our friend Sandra from Austria is passing through Cologne and visits with her three girls, I manage to prepare waffle dough and coffee with the kids, while I leave the baking to Steffi – our household aid – have a lovely chat and hearing the kids – mainly Mia – bubbling and giggling away, makes my heart jump ❤️ She admires those ‚big‘ girls, who are equally impressed by her saying the alphabet for 100th time and recapturing every little detail from our holiday!

My little perfect world circulates around my kids, a few daily duties and doctor’s appointments, as I am still in chemo treatment, but there is a parallel universe, where I am being far away from everything and tonight is one of those moments, where I am in another world. Lea and I spend the evening in the Residenz cinema – a wonderful place and I have never seen anything quite like it. We are confused when being handed 3D glasses, as we bought tickets for „The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society“ – a book club story about heroism, love and resistance during the war, tragedy, pen pals and soul connections in the beautiful settings of London and Guernsey in 1946. Not the typical 3D material, but we quite quickly learn that we are supposed to be in the small cinema next door, where we are sitting in wide comfy seats with foot stools in an intimate private atmosphere with only a few guests amongst bookshelves sipping a welcome drink! I naturally cry my eyes out, as I hear feel the wind amongst the cliffs, breath the salty air and feel the love…only during little blinks do I think about cancer and death, mainly due to the story line, but I also think about my little story of love, lost love and soul connections… while enjoying my time-out! What a little gem – I will be back ❤️